‘So, what did he do?’
‘He said he was going to arrest me! Him arrest me! And him a fake . . . God, he had a nerve. I said no way am I going to be treated like that, I told him I knew he was a fake and I was going to drive away and circulate his description, and that of his “police” car, to my mobile colleagues. I told him I had my certificate of service in the car if he wanted proof of my claim, but at that he pulled a knife, which he’d got hidden up his sleeve, and before I could react it was at my throat and he was marching me towards his car. He made me get into the rear seat and lie down, then he handcuffed my hands behind my back, slammed the doors, removed the blue light with its police sign from the roof and put it in the boot, then drove away.’
‘Where to?’ I asked.
‘I had no idea. I was face down on the back seat with my hands handcuffed behind me and my legs jammed sideways down the front of the rear seat and trapped in that position when he moved the front seat backwards. There was no way I could sit up and do anything except shout like hell, and I couldn’t see where I was being taken. It wasn’t far, though; we drove for only a very short time and the next thing I knew we were entering a barn or a garage and when we were inside, he got out, locked the car doors and then closed the barn door. He left me where I was. It was dark inside, and try as I might, I couldn’t budge. And my legs were aching like hell, they were twisted, you see, and jammed . . . I’ll tell you what, Nick, I was getting pretty worried by this time. The man was a maniac, I was sure of that, I had no idea what he was going to do to me.’
‘And that’s when Claude Jeremiah Greengrass came to your rescue?’
‘It seems I had been incarcerated in an outbuilding of a former stately home. The entire complex has been transformed into a caravan and camping site, as well as sporting some holiday cottages and a pond for water sports. Claude goes there regularly selling eggs and vegetables and so on to the tourists. He’d been leaving the complex in that old truck of his when he’d seen the “policeman” rushing away from the barn, pulling off his tie as he ran, and then removing his jacket while trying to carry his cap. All most ungainly! Claude thought it odd and let’s face it, he can recognize a genuine policeman even if he’s miles away. He thought something was fishy but decided not to interfere, but as he left the complex he saw my car parked outside the entrance to the site, with the door standing open and the engine still running. He knows my private car, of course — so instead of alerting the fake copper by rushing back to rescue me, he had the good sense to telephone Force Headquarters from that kiosk near the entrance. They told him to wait there and do nothing further until the police arrived. They did arrive — within about ten minutes — and caught the imposter as he was packing his things. He was using a cottage in the grounds and had rented the garage, but he had another plain car in which he proposed to get away. I think he was going to leave me there, although he did say he would have telephoned someone to release me, once he was safely away. I’d panicked him. All he wanted to do was to get away before he was caught.’
‘Thank God for Greengrass!’ I smiled.
‘I never thought I’d have to thank that old rogue, Nick, but I do have to thank him now. Then, of course, I heard that our chaps had been looking for this fake copper for months — it seems he left the Zephyr in that lock-up at the caravan site while he was away from the place and then came back from time to time to conduct his blitz on erring drivers.’
‘He’s been doing it for years, I believe?’
‘No one knows for certain how long he’s been at it, but we think he’s been doing similar scams in other parts of Britain. He’s a fanatic of some kind, it seems he’s been turned down by the recruiting departments of regular Forces on several occasions. He’s applied to lots of Forces up and down the country, always without success. Not even the Metropolitan Police would take him! His name is Edwin Juggins and he hails from Wolverhampton. He’s got no previous criminal record, though. A weird chap. I’m glad he’s been caught.’
‘Your last big case then?’
‘I claim no credit for the arrest, and the real hero was Claude. He could have ignored my car . . . but he didn’t.’
‘So, both of you were late for your party?’
‘We had to stay and give statements and be interviewed by the team who were seeking that fake policeman. I couldn’t alert anyone for ages, it was all hush-hush at the time but, as you know, I did ask Control Room to ring you the moment we were given the all-clear.’
And that’s how it was. As I was beginning to think we would have to raise a search party for Sergeant Blaketon, the chief inspector in charge of the Control Room rang me at the pub to explain what had happened. He gave me a good account of the incident so that I could acquaint the party guests and said that both Blaketon and Greengrass were on their way home. After freshening themselves they would soon be joining us. I told Mrs Blaketon about it and she said something to the effect that Oscar couldn’t leave the job alone, even in the final minutes of his career, but she did seem very proud of him. She said he was a copper to the bitter end but hoped he’d change in retirement.
With this knowledge I asked Inspector Breckon to inform the gathering of the drama. It goes without saying that when Sergeant Blaketon and Claude Jeremiah Greengrass walked into that party side by side the place erupted in a huge cheer and more than a few of us had tears in our eyes.
THE END
ALSO BY NICHOLAS RHEA
CONSTABLE NICK MYSTERIES
Book 1: CONSTABLE ON THE HILL
Book 2: CONSTABLE ON THE PROWL
Book 3: CONSTABLE AROUND THE VILLAGE
Book 4: CONSTABLE ACROSS THE MOORS
Book 5: CONSTABLE IN THE DALE
Book 6: CONSTABLE BY THE SEA
Book 7: CONSTABLE ALONG THE LANE
Book 8: CONSTABLE THROUGH THE MEADOW
Book 9: CONSTABLE IN DISGUISE
Book 10: CONSTABLE AMONG THE HEATHER
Book 11: CONSTABLE BY THE STREAM
Book 12: CONSTABLE AROUND THE GREEN
Book 13: CONSTABLE BENEATH THE TREES
Book 14: CONSTABLE IN CONTROL
Book 15: CONSTABLE IN THE SHRUBBERY
Book 16: CONSTABLE VERSUS GREENGRASS
Book 17: CONSTABLE ABOUT THE PARISH
Book 18: CONSTABLE AT THE GATE
Book 19: CONSTABLE AT THE DAM
Book 20: CONSTABLE OVER THE STILE
Book 21: CONSTABLE UNDER THE GOOSEBERRY BUSH
Book 22: CONSTABLE IN THE FARMYARD
Book 23: CONSTABLE AROUND THE HOUSES
Book 24: CONSTABLE ALONG THE HIGHWAY
Book 25: CONSTABLE OVER THE BRIDGE
Book 26: CONSTABLE GOES TO MARKET
Book 27: CONSTABLE ALONG THE RIVERBANK
Book 28: CONSTABLE IN THE WILDERNESS
Book 29: CONSTABLE AROUND THE PARK
Book 30: CONSTABLE ALONG THE TRAIL
Book 31: CONSTABLE IN THE COUNTRY
Book 32: CONSTABLE ON THE COAST
Book 33: CONSTABLE ON VIEW
Book 34: CONSTABLE BEATS THE BOUNDS
Book 35: CONSTABLE AT THE FAIR
Book 36: CONSTABLE OVER THE HILL
Book 37: CONSTABLE ON TRIAL
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GLOSSARY OF ENGLISH USAGE FOR US READERS
A & E: accident and emergency department in a hospital
Aggro: violent behaviour, aggression
Air raid: attack in which bombs are dropped from aircraft on ground targets
Allotment: a plot of land rented by an individual for growing fruit, vegetables or flowers
Anorak: nerd (it also means a waterproof jacket)
Artex: textured plaster finish for walls and ceilings
A level: exams taken between 16 and 18
Auld Reekie: Edinburgh
Au pair: live-in childcare helper, often a young woman
Barm: bread roll
Barney: argument
Beaker: glass or cup for holding liquids
Beemer: BMW car or motorcycle
Benefits: social security
Bent: corrupt
Bin: wastebasket (noun), or throw in rubbish (verb)
Biscuit: cookie
Blackpool Lights: gaudy illuminations in a seaside town
Bloke: guy
Blow: cocaine
Blower: telephone
Blues and twos: emergency vehicles
Bob: money, e.g. ‘That must have cost a few bob.’
Bobby: policeman
Broadsheet: quality newspaper (New York Times would be a US example)
Brown bread: rhyming slang for dead
Bun: small cake
Bunk: escape, e.g. ‘do a bunk’
Burger bar: hamburger fast-food restaurant
Buy-to-let: buying a house/apartment to rent it out for profit
Charity shop: thrift store
Carrier bag: plastic bag from supermarket
Care home: an institution where old people are cared for
Car park: parking lot
CBeebies: kids TV
Chat-up: flirt, trying to pick up someone with witty banter or compliments
Chemist: pharmacy
Chinwag: conversation
Chippie: fast-food place selling chips, battered fish and other fried food
Chips: French fries but thicker
CID: Criminal Investigation Department
Civvy Street: civilian life (as opposed to army)
Clock: punch (in an altercation) or register
Cock-up: mess up, make a mistake
Cockney: a native of East London
Common: an area of park land or lower class
Comprehensive school (comp.): a public (re state-run) high school
Cop hold of: grab
Copper: police officer
Coverall: coveralls, or boiler suit
CPS: Crown Prosecution Service, who decide whether police cases go forward
Childminder: someone paid to look after children
Council: local government
Dan Dare: hero from Eagle comic
DC: detective constable
Deck: one of the landings on a floor of a tower block
Deck: hit (verb)
Desperate Dan: very strong comic book character
DI: detective inspector
Digestive biscuit: plain cookie
Digs: student lodgings
Do a runner: disappear
Do one: go away
Doc Martens: heavy boots with an air-cushioned sole, also DMs, Docs
Donkey’s years: long time
Drum: house
DS: detective sergeant
ED: emergency department of a hospital
Eagle: children’s comic, marketed at boys
Early dart: to leave work early
Eggy soldiers: strips of toast with a boiled, runny egg
Enforcer: police battering ram
Estate: public/social housing estate (similar to housing projects)
Estate agent: realtor
Falklands War: war between Britain and Argentina in 1982
Fag: cigarette
Father Christmas: Santa Claus
Filth: police (insulting)
Forces: army, navy and air force
FMO: force medical officer
Fried slice: fried bread
Fuzz: police
Garda: Irish police
GCSEs: exams taken between age 14 and 16, replaced O level
s in 1988
Gendarmerie: French national police force
Geordie: from Newcastle
Garden centre: a business where plants and gardening equipment are sold
Gob: mouth, can also mean phlegm or spit
GP: general practitioner, a doctor based in the community
Graft: hard work
Gran: grandmother
Hancock: Tony Hancock, English comedian popular in 1950s
Hard nut: tough person
HGV: heavy goods vehicle, truck
HOLMES: UK police computer system used during investigation of major incidents
Home: care home for elderly or sick people
Hoover: vacuum cleaner
I’ll be blowed: expression of surprise
In care: refers to a child taken away from their family by the social services
Inne: isn’t he
Interpol: international police organisation
Iron Lady: Margaret Thatcher, applied to any strong woman
ITU: intensive therapy unit in hospital
Jane/John Doe: a person whose identity is unknown/anonymous
JCB: a manufacturer of construction machinery, like mechanical excavators
Jerry-built: badly made
Jungle: nickname given to migrant camp near Calais
Lad: young man
Lass: young woman
Lift: elevator
Lord Lucan: famous British aristocrat who allegedly killed his children’s nanny and disappeared in 1974 and was never found
Lorry: truck
Lovely jubbly: said when someone is pleased
Luftwaffe: German air force
M&S: Marks and Spencer, a food and clothes shop
Miss Marple: detective in a series of books by Agatha Christie, often used to imply a busybody, especially of older women
CONSTABLE AROUND THE HOUSES a perfect feel-good read from one of Britain’s best-loved authors Page 22