by Shey Stahl
Willie sat down beside me just as I took a bite of my corn dog and placed his chin on my shoulder. “Hey, if you find my tip in the hauler later, don’t throw it out.”
Never engage Willie or Tommy in a conversation unless you’re ready for it to turn dirty and embarrass you. Imagine being a teenage girl around them. Worst years of my life.
I sometimes took pity on Casten. Look at who he hung out with. Tommy and Willie. There was no hope for him. Gray may even be ruined already too.
“Tip of what?” I asked hesitantly choking on my corn dog. This was Willie we’re talking about.
“My finger.” He looked at me and smiled holding up his bloody hand. “Changing engines ain’t my specialty.”
“Oh, thank God!”
“Uh,” he looked confused. “I lost an appendage last night. Don’t be so excited about my new life as disable.”
“What happened?” I asked, though I’m not sure I wanted to know. “And you’re not a disable dumb shit. That’s not even a classification. It’s just a word.”
Willie rolled his eyes. “Tommy released the engine hoist and my hand was under the engine.”
“See, your hand shouldn’t have even been there.” Tommy defended. “What were you doing?”
“I don’t know. I don’t remember.”
He probably didn’t.
Rager sat down next, smiling widely at Willie, his hair wild just like their night seemed to be. “How’s your dick, man?”
“Please tell me that didn’t happen.” Willie said, looking at Rager. “Lie to me if you have to.”
Rager could barely keep a straight face, neither could Tommy. “Of course it didn’t happen, Willie.”
He knew they were full of shit and looked between his legs. Willie is not shy. I’ve seen his dick before. And I saw it again when he checked himself. Dude had gotten his dick pierced.
“How drunk were you?” Rager looked at him, staring at his hand, and then looking over at me and winking.
Willie laughed. “Woke up with my dick pierced, a bloody hand and I don’t remember a thing. So, yeah, guess you could say I was that drunk.”
“How the fuck did you get your dick pierced?” I asked. “We’re in Attica…”
No one answered, especially not Willie, and Rager looked the other way as if it was his idea all along. It probably was. “Never mind.” I went back to eating my corn dog but suddenly felt nauseous and couldn’t eat anymore.
Two hours later we were heading toward Attica when we couldn’t find Dave.
“We can’t just leave Dave,” Casten said, his voice soft and pained. He looked like hell. “What if he’s in trouble?”
“You left me in Grand Rapids two weeks ago.” Tommy complained. “Fuck you we can’t leave him.”
Hayden smiled. “Let’s be honest. Dave has always been sketchy looking. No one should trust him.”
Tommy and Willie started walking toward the haulers, locked and ready to pull out.
“Willie can vouch for that.” Casten laughed rubbing the back of his hand across his forehead. “He’s probably just passed out somewhere. Did you check under the bleachers? That’s where we found him in El Paso.”
“How often do you lose him?” I asked, looking around the parking lot to see if he was under a car or something.
“Often.” Tommy said, looking annoyed.
“I had a good marriage. Until we hired Dave,” Willie kept walking, talking over his shoulder at us, slightly limping. “Now I’m broke and live with Tommy. Fuck Dave. Fuck him.”
I couldn’t stop laughing once we did find him. He’d passed out in the back of the hauler inside Casten’s sprint car. We left him in there for the drive too.
Being on the road with them, even though it was just a day, was exactly what I wanted, more importantly, it was what I needed. I’d never been so happy to be back around them.
It wasn’t that I didn’t love my family. I just didn’t show it in the ways my brothers did. Axel will always be my dad’s replica. They look alike, same distinct rasp to their voice and same passion to live for speed.
Casten is more like my mom, soft spoken, but loud and attention grabbing when he wants to be. He can make anyone blush and loves just the same as my mom. He’s the type of guy that even if you didn’t know him, he acted like he’d known you for years. He was everyone’s best friend.
I’m different. I’m a little of both wrapped into one. I like to be alone and think. I don’t care to talk too much and hate large gatherings. Crowds make me nervous as I always say the wrong thing when I feel pressured to talk. Once my mind is made up, there’s usually no changing it either. I’m stubborn.
Okay, that’s putting it mildly. So I’d venture to say that I’m a lot like my Grandpa Jimi and I can’t argue that point.
Being around these people, blood relatives or not, I was with my family and exactly where I needed to be today. These fucked up group of guys with hangovers and dick piercings on their way to the next dirt track was my version of simplicity. I was welcomed here regardless of who I was and how much money I had. I could be myself and people listened to what I had to say. I hadn’t had that in a very long time and more and more was realizing exactly what was wrong in my marriage, regardless of the two skanks who were in his bed less than 24 hours ago. Yeah, I’d deal with that shit later. Right now, I was in my element.
I rode over to Attica with Rager. It was probably a mistake but Casten and Willie were in the motorhome with us too so it wasn’t like we talked about anything other than the next race.
I was thirteen when I first met Rager Sweet. He was three-and-a-half years older than me. I wasn’t even on his radar at that age. I was young. Way too young to have a thing for a boy like him.
Fast forward a few years when I was sixteen, I was dating a guy named Brian but I had my eyes on Rager. Brian knew that too and took it to heart a few times. Pissed him off that I was always concerned with Rager. If he crashed or had a bad night, I was there for him and people noticed. Even my dad.
But despite my dad knowing I had an attraction for Rager, having kept an eye on his racing over the years, he hired him to drive for him. I, for one, was thrilled about that. It meant I’d see him more than once a year. I don’t think anyone really knew the extent of my obsession with Rager.
After a race in Knoxville, Nationals I think, I wanted to leave with Rager. I was ready to after he kissed me for the first time between his hauler and Cody’s, but he wouldn’t let me. He was nineteen and I was sixteen. Age didn’t matter to me. But Rager wasn’t ready to face possible jail time by being involved with me, much less deal with the wrath of my dad.
However, two months later we were in Williams Grove and I snuck into Rager’s hauler after a race, locked the door and gave him a blow job. I was still with Brian at the time. Believe me when I say I’ve made terrible decisions when it comes to men and sometimes I think I still do. I don’t really think before I make a move.
Down on my knees, Rager did nothing to stop me from something he knew would change us. He did nothing. He just watched me and let me do what I wanted to him.
My eyes never left his that night and not much has ever compared to that night in his hauler.
Rager promised me that night I would never have to worry about him, he was mine. Under a sticky night, he promised me. But often the promises made during the heat of the moment by two kids aren’t made out of the stuff that keep relationships going.
Some time had passed after Williams Grove and I was with Axel at the Four Crown Nationals. My dad was there and wanted me to fly home with them but I said I was heading to Lincoln with Axel.
I didn’t.
Instead I went to Rossburg with Rager back to his home town. Originally from Barlett, Tennessee, he moved out to Rossburg when he was six. From there he tore up western Pennsylvania tracks.
If my dad knew about me and Rager, he would have fired Rager just because of the age difference alone. My dad also knew the lifestyle that y
oung drivers experienced, pit lizards at every track just biding their time until a driver was ready for them. Rager was a man with needs and the life of a racer was hard living. My dad knew this as well as the next guy did.
So we kept whatever it was between us a secret. The problem was, what we had was never something that could have been public. At least not in Rager’s eyes.
Rager had me on his bed, naked, but then stopped, his forehead pressed against my shoulder. “Fuck,” he sighed rolling off me. “You’re sixteen, Arie.”
“So? I’m not a virgin if that’s what you’re worried about.”
My reply seemed to upset him a little, but I never understood why. “I’m nineteen. That’s illegal for one, and what if your dad finds out? I’m a fucking dead man, Arie. He’d kill me if he knew I was messing around with you.”
“He wouldn’t kill you. He’s mostly talk.” I said, trying to reason with him.
Rager wasn’t having it and reached for his jeans. “Yeah…” he snorted, “what does mostly mean?”
“Please…” I tried again.
“I can’t take this from you. I want to but…I can’t.”
“You can’t take something I’m willingly giving. Don’t you want this as much as I do?” My eyes were on his, trying to plead with a look.
“Yes, I do.” It worked and he fell forward a little, giving me his weight, his breath, his kiss. “So fucking bad baby…but I can’t.”
When he pulled away again, my temper got the best of me. I sat up on my elbows when he moved to the side again. “So I’m good enough to give you head but not fuck?”
His roughed up fingers gently touched my lips. “Don’t talk like that. You’re too pretty to talk like that.” He blinked, my body felt the heat disappear when he closed his eyes, a shiver running through me. Then he slowly opened his eyes and stared at me. “I shouldn’t have let that happen.”
“Why did you?”
“Because I wanted you.” He admitted, his eyes on my body, the need was there, the want too. His action wasn’t.
“Then take me.”
“I can’t.”
“Can’t…or won’t? There’s a difference.”
“Won’t.”
I was upset at the time that he wouldn’t do it but now I understand why.
Brian and I broke up not long after that when he found out I was with Rager a few times, and then blamed it on Axel wrecking him. But I knew it was more about me and Rager. I’m not entirely sure why he never told my dad or brothers about Rager. A pride thing possibly? Whatever the reason, I can say I was grateful to Brian for that even though he was a total asshole.
When Rager found out that Brian hit me, he went a little crazy and beat the crap out of him. So did Kale, Lily’s younger brother, my brothers and my dad.
I haven’t seen Brian since but I bet he never hit girls again.
“Don’t let anyone ever lay a hand on you.” Rager had said when I told him, more emotional than I would have ever expected him to be over something like this when he took in the black eye and busted lip.
“They wouldn’t if I was with you,” I smiled through the emotion and the hurt.
He gave me a pained look. “How old are you now?”
“Seventeen.”
That’s all that was said. A number was stopping us. Two fucking digits that meant the difference between happiness and separation.
That fall I got wrapped up with Grady Andrews, who was even older than Rager. I had a feeling who Grady was after I slept with him. Not that he said anything to indicate he was Darrin’s son, just that something was suspicious about him. He told me if I didn’t sleep with him, he would do something to my dad’s car, didn’t say what, but that he would. I was scared so I slept with him and kept my mouth shut.
I didn’t tell anyone about that night with Grady. I couldn’t. What would I have said to them?
I fucked up?
No. I wasn’t going to do that.
After Dad was hurt, I started helping Easton with the transition once he was thrown into the Cup ride. Not that I knew what I was doing but I’d gotten good at the publicity side with the help of my Aunt Alley. Easton and I got close fast and became good friends before anything ever happened between us. That was good for me because after everything I’d experienced with men, I needed a friend more than I needed a boyfriend.
He eventually found out about Grady and part of me wondered if men just took pity on me because I couldn’t make a relationship work. Regardless, our relationship developed into more and eventually we were married…and here we are now. I wonder who’s going to take pity on me now?
When we got to Attica the boys were busy getting all the cars ready to go. Dad skipped the race at Attica and I-96. Casten was clearly nervous about that.
“Do you think it’s stupid Dad isn’t here tonight and my house is unattended?” he asked watching the track promoters prep the track.
“What do you think?”
Casten scratched his head. “Yes…”
“You’re probably right.”
Naturally, since I was with the sprint car teams and not with Easton, everyone wanted to know why I was home when ordinarily I was with Easton.
“What’s up?” Casten asked knowing I would give him the answer he was looking for. I didn’t keep secrets from him.
We were closer than Axel and I was, mainly because Axel wasn’t around as much. Once he got into full sized midgets, he was in the Midwest more than he was home.
Casten raced too but not as much which left me hanging out with him more often.
He knew when something was wrong.
“What’s going on?”
I sighed watching the cultivator tear up the racing surface. “Caught Easton in bed with two girls. Two.”
“What?” he sounded surprised. He probably was.
“You heard me.”
“Wow.” Shaking his head he leaned forward and rested his hands on the wall in front of us that was caked in a thick red clay.
“Uh-huh.”
“Want me to kick his ass?”
I leveled him a serious look. “Have you ever been in a fight?”
“A few times.” He seemed completely taken back by the fact that Easton had cheated on me. “What did you say to him?”
“Not much of anything. I just left. I haven’t spoken to him since and I’m not sure I want to at this point.”
There was a four day break in the tour after the race at I-96 so we went back to Mooresville Friday morning. I checked the truck race in Dover all afternoon. Easton ended up blowing another engine at the halfway mark. Asher went on to win it, which pleased my dad. Impressed him even.
There’s always someone at, or something going on at my parent’s house. I’m not sure why but it’s always been the house that everyone gravitates toward. Parties were held there, graduations, even a wedding once. It’s just that house.
It’s also been destroyed many times and remodeled thanks to my brother, Casten. Axel never partied. At least not like Casten did. He once set an entire street on fire and landed a car in our pool. He’s the poster child for making some bad life decisions that come back to bite him in the ass. Just ask my dad. I will say Casten has matured since meeting Hayden and having Gray. Now he had his own house with his own responsibilities and the partying has simmered down a bit.
His biggest mistake was being hundreds of miles away while our dad and Uncle Spencer were home though. Paybacks were a bitch named karma and Casten was about to meet karma face-to-face.
It was time they paid Casten back and they did. In epic portions.
We’d just walked inside and Casten was dumbstruck…I’ve never seen him speechless, like ever.
“What the fuck happened in here? Were you digging for gold?” Casten and I both peeked over the edge to see the hole that went clean through, even into the foundation.
Dad shrugged. “We made a quarter midget track inside the house.”
“I can fucking see th
at.” Casten looked around at what used to be the floor but was now a quarter midget track. Even had a nice cushion built up against the walls like they’d raced in here all night. “But why the hole in the floor?”
“We needed dirt.” Spencer looked at him like he was stupid, barely breathing between his laughing and snorting.
“So get it from outside.”
“We already had the bobcat inside. That’s inefficient to go outside again.”
“What did I ever do to you?” Casten asked staring at him in disbelief.
Dad looked at him like he was crazy. “You set my house on fire. Twice. And don’t get me started on my pool and how many times that thing has had to be drained and repaired.”
“Do you like swimming?” Spencer asked Hayden, who’d yet to say a word. It’s hard to believe something could make her speechless as well.
She immediately walked outside and looked at their pool.
Dad had drained their pool and him and Spencer had bedazzled a dick on the bottom with shiny jewels that reflected the sun’s light amazingly and then refilled it with water.
“We glued that shit down and then put a glaze over it. You’d have to dig up the concrete to fix that.” Dad pointed out, proud as can be with a crazy grin plastered on his face.
Spencer couldn’t even hold himself up he was laughing so hard. “We dick-jazzled your pool!”
“That’s permanent?” Casten asked, staring at the pool and the way the sun reflected off the dick in the water. That motherfucker shined so bright I was sure the astronauts on the space station were laughing at it.
Dad nodded proudly.
Hayden looked at it and covered Gray’s eyes. “The fuck it is.”
Casten bowed to Dad. “Well played, old man. Well fucking played.”
Spencer stood next to me and nudged my shoulder. “That pool is pretty awesome, huh?”
I had to laugh. There would always be a prank going on with this family.
“Don’t ever come over to my house.” I told him walking away.
“Admit it, you want a dick-jazzled pool.” Spencer said, following me.