by Lara Wynter
“You want to listen to some music?” Wes hands me his phone and I scroll through his music. I choose a random playlist, not sure I can cope with any of the band’s music right now.
We listen in silence for a while before I turn the music down, it doesn’t seem like Wes is going to bring up Finn anytime soon, so it looks like I’ll have to.
“So why couldn’t Finn look after Sophie?”
“Are you sure you wouldn’t rather wait until we’re home to talk about this?”
“Well, seeing as how I live nearly an hour away from you, I think now is probably a good idea. Oh, you can take me home can’t you? I can always get a taxi from your place if it’s too much trouble.”
“About that…I had a chat to your doctor and I asked if it’d be better if you stayed with us for a while, instead of being on your own and he agreed it would be. So I was going to ask if you wanted to stay in our guest room. It’s very private and you’d have your own bathroom of course.”
“Really Wes, you’ve gone out of your way for me enough already. I really don’t want to be a bother.”
“Trust me it’s no bother, and I know Soph would love to see you again.”
“Are you sure?”
“Positive, she really likes you and she could do with more positive female role models in her life.”
“Um, I’m a bit of a mess, I’m not sure what sort of a role model I’d be.”
Wes chuckles. “Trust me Autumn you are one of the sweetest and kindest people I’ve met. Have you met Drew’s sister Scarlett?”
“Ah, okay I think I see your point. Is she really as bad as the media portrays her?”
“Worse.”
“Alright, I’ll stay. Just for a few days though.”
“No pressure, stay as long as you want. You can work from anywhere right?”
“Pretty much, I just need a decent wi-fi connection.”
“That shouldn’t be a problem.”
“You know you still haven’t told me what’s up with Finn. I’m starting to get really worried…”
Wes glances at me before looking back at the road. “Look, Finn is uh…complicated. His heart might be in the right place but his actions aren’t always so well considered.”
My heart pounds in my chest as I wonder what Finn might have done that Wes is so hesitant to tell me.
“Just tell me Wes, I can take it. I won’t freak out or anything.”
Wes shrugs his shoulders before sighing. “Well, after Finn overheard me telling you about the pictures of the two of you online, he came up with a plan to take the heat off you.”
“Okay…go on.”
“Look, I had no idea what he was planning okay? If he had of told me, I would have tried to talk him out of it.”
I wish he’d just spit it out, this feels like torture.
“So anyway, his brilliant plan was to tip off the paparazzi that he was going to be at some dive bar downtown, where he kind of let them get a picture of him and some groupie chick.”
Bile rises up in my throat but I manage to swallow it back down.
“Is that it?”
“Isn’t that enough?”
“You tell me.”
“There are photos of them leaving together in today’s papers.”
Surely Finn wouldn’t have slept with some groupie just to get the press to leave me alone? Who am I kidding, why wouldn’t he do that? It’s not like we had a relationship or anything. Finn was free to live his own life. So why did it feel like my heart was being ripped out of my chest and shredded into hundreds of tiny pieces.
“Autumn, are you okay?” Wes says flicking me numerous glances.
I gulp. “Of course I am. Finn and I are just friends, if we’re still even that. He was right to do what he did. Now the paparazzi will forget all about me.”
“Just promise me you won’t look at the pictures online alright?”
“I’ll think about it.”
“They’re not real. You’ll only hurt yourself if you go looking.”
“I know. I’ll try okay. That’s the best I can promise at the moment.”
So what if Finn hooked up with some random girl? He’s a grown man, he can do what he wants. Maybe one day we can be friends again? When the new album comes out, at least I’ll know that some of the songs came about because I helped Finn get through his writer’s block.
“Autumn?”
“Huh.”
“You’re crying.”
I lift a hand to my cheek and I’m surprised to feel wetness. How did I not even realize I was crying?
Wes looks over at me, concern in his eyes. “Do you want me to pull over?”
“No, keep driving.” I cover my eyes with my fingers trying to halt the flow. It’s my own fault. I let myself believe that someone like Finn could ever want something with me. Before long I’ll be back at home and my life will return to normal. Well, maybe a new sort of normal where I at least leave the house on a regular basis. Just the thought of going out in public makes me shudder. Maybe I’ll just wait a while before I attempt to change things too much. After all, I was…if not happy, then at least content with my old life. Wasn’t I? The lull of the motor and trees flashing past cause my eyes to drift closed.
Chapter 17
Finn
The sun streaming through the curtains sends daggers into my skull. It’s been months since I felt like this. At least it was worth it. The press will have their fodder for the gossip pages and Autumn will be safe. Even though I know she’ll hate me for it, it’s for the best. Well, the best I can do for her. For me, I just let the best thing I ever had slip through my fingers. Heck, I just pushed it out the door and threw away the key.
That face, so sweet and beautiful. There’s something so beautiful in the way Autumn doesn’t even realize how stunning she is. I could run my fingers through that soft golden hair forever. Those big hazel eyes, brown one minute and green the next. The way they open wide when I tell her how beautiful she is, as if she can’t quite believe I could feel that way.
Even though my head still pounds, I feel the music rise up within me. Stumbling out of bed to the ensuite bathroom, I throw some water on my face, and avoid looking in the mirror. I don’t want to see my guilt and pain looking back at me. My shoulder collides with the doorframe as I leave the room and head downstairs to my music room. I lift the lid of the piano and place my fingers on the worn keys. The melody flows out like water and the song quickly takes shape. Closing my eyes I sing the words in my heart.
I’m not walking away
Not walking away from you
Despite what you hear
And what you read
Don’t believe the lies
Don’t believe the hype
Cos I’d never do that
It would break me in two
So believe me babe
I’m not walking away
Still not walking away from you
Wherever you go and whatever you do
When you think of me
Just know, that I’m thinking of you
Cos you’re in my heart
Forever in my soul
And I’m not walking away
Never walking away
Cos I’d never do that
For you have my heart
And even though you’re far from me
I‘ll never let you go
Resting my head against the polished wood I close my eyes. How could I ever have thought I could just let her walk away? Although I promised myself I’m no good for her, I can’t do it. I can’t stay away. At least she’s still safely locked away from me and the world. With any luck, by the time she knows what I’ve done, she’ll be strong enough to realize it was for the best. If she was here, I would drive straight to her house and beg her forgiveness. And then we would be back to the beginning. She doesn’t belong in my crazy world and I don’t belong in hers. Placing my hands back on the keys I lose myself in the music once again.
By 1
a.m., I’ve worked myself up into a state of agitation. I need Wes to talk me out of doing something crazy, like driving up to Peaceful Shores and demanding to see her. It’s a bad idea and I know Wes is the only one who can talk me back down off the ledge.
I leave my car keys on the table as I lock the front door behind me. It’ll be that much harder for me to drive there if I don’t have my car. I’m also pretty sure I shouldn’t be driving after I finished off a bottle of wine I found in the back of my pantry. Something left behind by the previous owners. The cool night air pushes some of the fogginess from my head. My skin feels hot despite the fact I’m not wearing a jacket.
I stumble in the dark as I reach Wes’s front steps. The bulb must have blown in his front light. Finding the key Wes gave me, I turn it in the lock and quietly let myself into the dark house. Damn, Wes must have turned in early. I probably shouldn’t wake him, the walk over has helped me realize I can’t go to her. In the morning I’ll play Wes the new songs. They alternate between hope and heartbreak. With the new stuff I’ve written today we have enough to go into the studio and start laying down some tracks. Hopefully, that’ll be enough to distract me from her.
Wes has a guest room set up that I think of as mine since I stay here so often. I kick my shoes off and pad quietly up the stairs. The door to my room is slightly ajar and I step in quietly. Exhaustion suddenly overwhelms me and I collapse on the bed. Not even bothering to take off my jeans or shirt I close my eyes and let the day’s tension slip away.
Autumn
In that state between sleep and waking up, I dream that Finn is holding me safely in his arms. It’s a feeling I never want to end so I keep my eyes tightly closed and try and surrender to the blissful feeling. What I wouldn’t give to stay in this dream forever. The feel of his warm breath tickles the back of my neck and my eyes pop open.
Someone is in the bed with me. I scream and try to pull away. The arm tightens around me and my heart pounds as I bite down hard on the warm firm flesh that’s holding me.
“Ow, what the fu– Autumn?” The voice sounds groggy and unsure.
The arms release me and I jump out of the bed and turn around. “Finn? What the heck are you doing in my bed?” He looks beyond gorgeous as he brushes his rumpled hair out of his face.
He looks at his arm as if he can’t quite believe the obvious tooth marks that mark his skin, just where the dragon’s tail ends. “You bit me.”
“Well, I thought you were a crazy person in my bed.”
He chuckles. “I guess you weren’t wrong then.”
“What are you doing here?” My skin flushes and I cross my arms over my chest, suddenly conscious of the fact that I’m only wearing a thin t-shirt and silk shorts.
“Sorry, I’m sorry. I should have said that already. I came over to talk to Wes and he was already asleep so I just came to my room and crashed.”
“Your room? I thought this was the guest room?”
“Yeah, it is the guest room, but I’m usually the only guest, so I kind of think of it as my room.”
“Oh, well, um…Wes said I could stay here for a few days.”
Sophie runs into the room in a cute pair of Mickey Mouse pajamas followed closely by Wes. Wes’s eyes go wide as he takes in the scene. Sophie just laughs, seemingly realizing what’s happened faster than the rest of us.
“Uncle Finn, you can’t stay here. Autumn is our guest.”
Finn quickly climbs out of the bed, I’m relieved to see he’s still fully dressed. “Yeah sorry guys, I didn’t realize anyone was in my room.” He rubs his arm and gives Wes a sheepish smile.
Sophie steps closer to Finn and grabs his arm. “Did you bite him?” Her wide eyes look up at me.
“Uh, yeah I kind of might have thought he was an intruder.”
“Ha ha, I can’t believe you did that. You totally rock Autumn.” Sophie grins at me, before turning to Finn. “Does it hurt?”
Finn looks at Sophie. “Not any more than I deserve.”
Wes seems to have regained his composure. “How about, we all get dressed and meet downstairs for breakfast.”
Finn gives me a hesitant smile that melts my heart before he follows Wes and Sophie from the room. I run into the adjoining bathroom and lean back against the door. What just happened here? I can’t believe Finn crawled into my bed last night and neither of us noticed. I’ve never been in a situation like this before, so I don’t know if I’m a light or heavy sleeper. The thought that someone could just get in my bed and I wouldn’t wake up is a disturbing one. Knowing it was Finn causes my heart to do funny things in my chest.
The fact that I woke up with Finn makes my skin flush from head to toe. How am I going to go downstairs and face everyone when they all know what happened? How am I ever going to look Finn in the eye again after biting him hard enough to leave teeth marks on his skin? But if I don’t go down soon, someone will only come looking for me.
Standing in front of the mirror, my flushed face stares back at me with wide eyes and tangled blonde hair. I grab my brush out of my bag and hastily run it through my hair then tie it back in a loose bun. I run the cold water and splash my face before patting it dry on one of the super soft bath towels.
Quickly making sure the bedroom is still empty, I hastily rifle through my bag before pulling out an oversize t-shirt and a grey hoodie. Slipping into yesterday’s jeans, I pull on some socks and I’m ready, on the outside at least. Inside I’m a quivery mess of nerves and restless energy. At least I haven’t felt like fainting, surely I can take that as a sign of progress? I’m certainly feeling plenty of stress but I’m coping…well sort of.
Cracking open the bedroom door, I glance in both directions. What I’d actually do if I saw someone I have no idea. Just go down the stairs Autumn. You can do this, just get it over with… I slowly walk downstairs, fighting the impulse to run back to my room every inch of the way. I relax slightly as I hear laughter coming from the kitchen. My body tenses as I picture them laughing at me and what just happened. I pause just outside the door to listen.
Sophie giggles. “That sounds like so much fun. Please let me come on the next tour with you.”
“I don’t think so Soph, it’s not a proper environment for a child.” Wes’s voice is tense.
“Aw, come on, I’ll be thirteen soon, I’m practically a teenager already.”
I walk into the kitchen as Finn answers. “Exactly, and we were once teenage boys. A rock concert is hardly the place we’d like you to be.”
Sophie smiles as I sit beside her. “Hey Autumn, tell the boys that it’d be totally fine for me to go on tour with them. And I just had a great idea, you could come as my chap…capa…whatever you call someone who looks after someone else.”
“You mean chaperone,” I reply nervous at the thought of being near the guys when they take on their rock personas.
“Yeah, that. So Wes, can I go if Autumn comes as my chaperone?”
“Well for one Sophie, Autumn hasn’t actually agreed to come and babysit you. And two, what would you do about school?”
“Autumn could home school me while you guys are rehearsing and doing press stuff.”
Finn laughs. “Sounds like you’ve totally got it figured out. You’d make an excellent tour manager some day with those skills.”
Wes grimaces. “Finn, don’t encourage her. Sophie, as brilliant as that plan is, Autumn already has a job and a home and a life. We can’t just ask her to give all that up to become a glorified nanny on a smelly tour bus.”
“But Autumn is part of our family now.” She looks imploringly at each of us in turn. “What do you say Autumn? Do you want to come on the next tour? You’d get to see them play every night, plus they’d double what you get paid at your current job.”
“Sophie!” Wes scolds, but I can see he’s trying hard not to laugh.
I put my hands against my hot cheeks to try and cool them down. I’ve never met anyone like Sophie before, but I’m still stunned that she called me a par
t of their family.
Finn grins at me, a slight dimple appearing on his cheek. “So what do you say Autumn? Do you want a new job? I hear the pay is fantastic.”
“You…you can’t be serious?” I look to Wes for help.
“Well…” Wes says slowly, “It would ease my mind about Soph coming with us. I still hadn’t figured out how I was going to manage the next tour. Besides, it won’t be for a few months anyway, so we’d have plenty of time to work out the finer details.”
“But what about the press?”
“Don’t worry Autumn,” Sophie answers. “Wes and Finn won’t want me anywhere near the paparazzi, apparently I’m still an impressionable minor blah, blah, boring, blah.”
A laugh escapes me. “Well they’re right about that. Trust me I know.”
Sophie slaps a hand across her mouth. “Shi- shoot, I’m sorry Autumn I totally forgot…”
Wes glares at Sophie. “Did you just swear young lady?”
“No, I said shoot, not…that other word.”
“Well if you even want coming on tour to be a remote possibility, I’d better not hear any inappropriate words cross your lips in the next few weeks.”
“You won’t Wes, I promise.” Sophie gives Wes a mock salute. “So is it all agreed then, are you coming?”
The hope shining in her eyes is impossible to resist. I’ve never had any siblings, but Sophie is just so endearing, telling her no and seeing her disappointment is something I just can’t make myself do. “Well if you really want me, and you think I can handle it. Then I guess…I could go.”
Sophie jumps up and throws her skinny arms around me. I hug her back and it feels amazing. I close my eyes to keep the tears at bay and I feel more arms close around me. My eyes dart open, Wes and Finn have both come around the table to join in the hug. It feels amazing, it’s like coming home.
Chapter 18
Finn
A smile touches my lips. Despite the fact that the drummer in front of me has got all the chops, he ain’t got no pocket. His resume is impressive, but I don’t want to work with him. Autumn is coming on tour with us. The realization makes me think all kinds of thoughts I know I shouldn’t be having. Now that she works for us, she’s more off limits than ever. At least I get to see her. I thought she’d be out of my life for good, and although I can’t have the kind of relationship I crave, at least I can still hang out with her. And who knows, we won’t be on tour forever…