by Lara Wynter
I’m gonna be right beside you
Back in the sunshine again
Oh yeah, back in the sunshine again
Help me to live, help me to fly
The crowd yells and hollers their approval of the new music, but I’m lost in my memories. That song makes the memories of the past swirl to life. I didn’t just bend, I broke. My past broke me. Can I really get past it and have a normal life?
Sophie tugs on my arm. “Did you like it Autumn?”
“It was great,” I say automatically. “I need to go to the bathroom, will you be alright here with Simon?”
“Of course, I’m not a baby.”
I manage to smile as I stumble past Simon and back into the corridor that leads to the dressing rooms. I push my way into the room with Finn’s name on it, knowing he prefers to hang out with Wes most of the time. The band is still playing anyway so no one will even come in here, I can be alone with my thoughts. I just need a few minutes alone.
Tucking my knees up to my chin, I wrap my arms around them and bury my head. Shame fills me. I’m not strong, I don’t bend. I break. It’s not like what he did to me was even that bad. So many people have been hurt far worse than I have. Why can’t I get past it? What’s wrong with me that I still can’t cope with what happened?
In my mind I am there again. The dark couch in the dark room, the only light comes from the television in the corner.
“It’s not wrong Auttie, something that feels so good can’t be wrong.”
“My name is Autumn.”
“I thought we were past all that Auttie. You’re special, you deserve a special name.”
“My name is Autumn.” My voice is weak, barely above a whisper.
“That’s right, you feel better now don’t you?”
“Yes.” Did I even speak?
“That’s my good girl.”
No, I want to shout. Why didn’t I run, why did I just sit there and let him control me? Instead I shattered into a million tiny fragments that I’m still trying to put together.
Finn
I feel it, the exact moment she leaves. It’s like we’re tied together with an invisible string that suddenly went taut and then broke. How stupid am I to sing that song for her for the first time when I’m on stage in front of hundreds of people. I wanted her to know how amazing and brave she is. But I should have thought it through better. What if it brought back dark memories for her the way it did for me when I wrote the song? Somehow I manage to keep singing as I curse my stupidity.
I cut out the next few songs and skip straight to Invincible, the last song before the encore. As the song ends, I rush off the stage, my surprised bandmates behind me.
“Sophie, where’s Autumn?”
“I’m right here Finn.” Autumn says appearing out of the darkness. She looks a bit pale but otherwise unharmed. “Sorry I took so long, I didn’t mean to worry anyone.”
“Uh, right. Ready for the encore guys?”
“Sure,” Ryan says. “I can’t believe how pumped the crowd is, this is so much better than my last band. Not to mention, the songs rock.”
“Wes, can we stay for the encore?” Sophie begs.
“Maybe just this once, but if you’re tired and cranky tomorrow, don’t blame me. Is that alright with you Autumn?”
“Sure thing. I wouldn’t want to miss it.”
Her smile looks a tad forced, but she seems alright. I need to get my head back in the game. The crowd is chanting for us as I walk back onstage to thunderous applause. The music comes to me without much conscious thought. I love it up here, it’s like the biggest high in the world, feeling the crowd sing the words you wrote and knowing they are feeling the song and getting their own meaning from it.
I sing the last notes and bow my head. The crowd is still applauding as I walk off the stage and swing Autumn around in a circle, heedless of how sweaty I am. She giggles and I smile back. Before I can stop myself, I lean forward and gently brush her lips with my own. Her eyes close and a shudder runs through her whole body. Somehow, I find the strength to set her gently on the ground.
“Do you want to go somewhere? Get something to eat maybe?”
“What about Sophie?”
“Wes is finished for tonight, he can take Soph back to the hotel.”
“But it’s my first night on the job, I can’t cut out early.”
I turn to yell at Wes who is still chatting with the guys, one arm around his sister. “Wes, what are you doing now?”
“I’m beat, I think I’m just going to head back to the hotel with Soph.”
“Do you mind if I take Autumn out for something to eat?”
“Course not. Tomorrow will be a full day, so you might as well enjoy a break while you can.”
“Great, see you tomorrow. Thanks for the show. Ryan, Zane, you guys really rocked it tonight.”
Zane smiles as Ryan replies, “You weren’t bad yourself. Can’t wait to record those new tracks.”
“Yeah we should have them pretty well mapped out by the end of the tour.”
Wes leads Sophie and the guys off to the dressing room and I turn back to Autumn. “I suppose I should actually ask you if you want to go out to dinner with me?”
“What about the paparazzi?”
“I’ll wear my disguise.”
“Um, are you sure we shouldn't get back to the hotel? I should be with Sophie, it’s only my first night.”
“Wes is with her. You don’t work 24-7. When Wes is there you’re free to do whatever you want.”
“Well, if you’re sure?”
“Positive.”
“Well then, Finn I’d love to go to dinner with you.” She smiles a cheeky smile. “So where’s this sexy blond wig of yours?”
I pull my bag out from behind the couch and put the world’s ugliest cap on my head, but with Autumn beside me I feel better than ever.
Chapter 21
Finn
We leave out the back door with a few of the crew. Autumn is wearing an oversized Infusion Deep hoodie and has her hair bunched up under a cap. The remaining fans give us a quick glance and then ignore us as we all pile into the twelve seater bus that usually takes the crew back to the hotel. I get the driver to drop us off after a few blocks and Autumn and I climb into the black Merc that Stan has been following us in.
“So where are we going?” Autumn asks in an over-bright voice, that tells me she’s still trying to deal with what happened but is determined to pretend she’s fine.
I pull off the ugly cap and wig and throw them on the seat.“Well there’s this little Italian place that I often go to whenever we’re in town. The older couple that run it are used to me coming in and won’t tell anyone we’re there. Does that sound alright?”
“Sounds perfect.” She smiles and looks at me with too many emotions reflected in her eyes for me to even try and decipher.
I pick up Autumn’s hand from where it lies on the seat because I can’t resist the temptation to touch her somehow. “I won’t ask if you’re okay, because it’s a stupid question, and I hate it when people ask me that all the time. But please, just know I’m here for you. You can talk to me about anything and I’ll listen and never judge you. I want you to know that I’m here for you, I want to be your…friend. Will you let me do that, gorgeous girl?”
She looks down at our joined hands. “Can I ask you something?”
“Anything.”
“Why did you send me away and get Wes to tell me I couldn’t see you anymore? And why did you change your mind?”
Did I really just say she could ask me anything? Damn, how do I answer that without saying too much? I really just want to pull her close and kiss her and never stop. But I can’t do that, I can’t betray her trust in me. I have to put her first. “I was an idiot when I got Wes to tell you that. I thought I could let you go, that I could put you first and let you have a normal life without me in it. But I’m weak Autumn, I couldn’t do it. I don’t have your strength. And before yo
u say you’re not strong, believe me when I tell you how strong you are. You’re here aren't you? In spite of all the stress that puts you under, of all the new things you have to face you’re still here, fighting. And that takes a kind of quiet strength I’m in awe of. So don’t ever think I don’t see that. You make me see I can face my own demons, that I don’t have to hide from the things that scare me.”
Autumn looks at me with misty eyes. “Oh Finn, you tell me I don’t see my own strength, but you’re the same. Here you are on tour, doing interviews and photoshoots that I know you hate. Living your life under a microscope, when you have more than enough money to never have to work again. On stage you shine so bright, but the courage I see when you have to face the things you hate, to try and make a difference in the world is amazing. It’s like the foundation you run, but don’t publicize, to help disadvantaged children. I looked up your foundation, I see how much you care, how much you want other children to not have to go through what you did. I know you don’t talk about that, you keep it all bottled up inside. But you’re my best friend, Finn and you can tell me anything. Even though we haven’t known each other that long, I feel like we are connected somehow, that we need to support each other.”
I reach out and pull Autumn towards me and hold her close. Does she really see all that good in me? Why can’t I see any of that inside myself? Once again in trying to help her, she gives me back more in return. She’s like an angel sent from heaven to light up the darkness within me. I wish I could hold her close and never let go.
The car comes to a stop, but we don’t get out, we just sit in the darkness and hold each other.
Autumn
The restaurant is sweet and has such a homey feel I can understand why it appeals so much to the man without a sense of home. Luca and Maria, who own the restaurant come out as soon as they know Finn is here. Maria hugs him and they talk to him like he’s part of their family. As soon as Finn introduces me, they start talking about marriage and babies. Apparently, I’m the first girl he’s ever brought here. And as embarrassing as it is, it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
We haven’t said much since we got out of the car. How do you go back to normal conversation after what we shared? My heart is so full of love for this complex and troubled man. I wish I had a happy home and a loving family I could welcome him into. I wish I could be enough for him. It’s better that we stay friends and as much as it hurts me, I have to remember that’s all we can ever be.
The food arrives and it’s all I can do not to faint from the wonderful aromas coming from the mounds of food spread before us. Luca and Maria noticed immediately that Finn had lost weight and seem to see it as their mission to reverse it. His cheek bones do stand out sharply against his stubbly cheeks and his eyes still have dark smudges beneath them. He needs to rest, not be keeping up this hectic tour schedule. At least tonight he is getting the care and attention he deserves.
I pile some spaghetti onto my plate and take a mouthful. “Mmmm, this is so good, I can’t believe it.”
“I know, right? Luca and Maria have the best food on the entire planet. Why do you think I make this a regular stop when we tour?”
I laugh as I try to swallow the rest of my mouthful without choking. “I can believe that. I’d probably come here for holidays as well.”
Finn looks sheepish. “Well I have been known to fly in for dinner occasionally.”
“How occasionally are we talking about?”
“Well, every month or so.”
“Ha! No wonder they treat you like family.”
“Sometimes I wish I could do something for them, but they always say they never need anything.”
“What about a holiday? Do they ever take a break from this place?”
“Good point. In all the time I’ve been coming here, they’ve never been away.”
“That’s perfect then. Do you think they’d let you hire a replacement chef for them?”
“Hmm, that might be an issue, they’d never want to give away their secret recipes.”
“Where do you think they want to go?”
“Where would you go if you could go anywhere in the world?”
“Australia,” I say without a moment’s hesitation. “I want to see wombats. I don’t know why but I just love them. Of course there are other things I’d want to see there as well.”
Finn chuckles. “Wombats huh? Aren’t they just kind of overgrown rats or something?”
My mouth drops open in disbelief. “They’re nothing like rats, they’re marsupials for a start and they have cute little furry tails and they eat grass not rubbish. I’m sorry but I don’t think we can be friends if you don’t appreciate the wonder of wombats.”
Finn holds up his hands in mock horror. “Whoa, you had me at marsupials.”
We both crack up, and it feels so good to be laughing and having fun with Finn.
Finn
Being out with Autumn is just what I need. Once we can get past all the ‘stuff’, we have so much fun together. Somehow she just gets me like no one else. The only other person I have this sort of connection with is Wes, but Autumn has some attributes that Wes is lacking. I’m trying to be on my best behavior and not stare at the way her shirt curves around her body, but I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t noticed. I want to do this right, I’m in love with this girl and I want to put her first. I want to show her that if we can be friends, maybe one day, we could be more.
“So what do you think, Finn?”
“Ah, sorry what?”
Autumn frowns and it’s so damn cute, it’s hard not to lean across the table and kiss her.
“I said, do you think it would be a good idea to take Sophie to some museums and galleries while we’re on tour to help make her school work more interesting?”
“Sure, just make sure you take Stan and one of the security guys with you.”
“You really think that’s necessary? Won’t that just make people notice us more? Surely no one would even recognize either of us?”
“That’s not a risk I’m willing to take – with either of you.”
“Well, alright then…I guess, if you think it’s really necessary?”
“I do.” The intense fear that I feel at the thought of either of them being in danger is a shock to me. Autumn doesn’t know what sort of crazies exist in the world and I’m hoping she never has to find out.
“Are you alright? It’s like you’re locked inside your own head at the moment.”
“Sorry, it’s nothing.” There’s no way I’m going to mention the letter I found in my room this morning. There hasn’t been one in a while. I’d thought it was all over with and in the past. I do my best to smile normally. “Would you like some dessert?”
Autumn pats her flat stomach. “I don’t think so, I’m totally stuffed. How about we go for a walk?”
“Sure thing, let’s go.” I put some money on the table leaving a very generous tip, and take hold of Autumn’s hand under the pretext of helping her up. I don’t let go as I lead her to the front door. Cool air hits my heated skin as we walk onto the dimly lit street. It feels good, but I wonder if Autumn will find it too cold. “Do you want my jacket?”
“No I’m fine. This hoodie is warm enough.”
A shiver runs through her body as she looks at me. “Are you sure you’re not cold? You’re shivering.”
Her skin flushes. “It’s not from the cold.”
I can’t help the goofy grin that spreads across my face. She feels it too, this chemistry between us. Heedless to my instincts to take things uber-slowly, I wrap my arm around her shoulders holding her body next to mine as we walk along the shadowy street. Although I’ve been with plenty of women before, just holding Autumn like this feels better than anything I’ve felt in a long time. We walk in silence, and I glance around, never fully trusting that no one is watching. I wish I didn’t have to be like this, but it’s almost second nature to me now.
A small park opens up before us a
nd I pull Autumn into the shadows of some tall trees. She looks up at me, her lips slightly parted.
“Can I kiss you?” I know I shouldn’t even ask, but the way she’s looking at me…
“Yes.” Her voice is breathy and all sorts of sexy.
I wrap my arms tightly around her body and gently place my lips against hers. She makes a small sigh and I deepen the kiss. Her hands reach up into my hair and she pulls me down further as if she can’t get enough of me. No matter what happens between us, I will never regret this moment, this feeling.
Autumn
Finn pulls away and I regretfully let my hands slide down his shoulders and along his arms. The way he just kissed me, it makes me forget…everything. It’s like nothing bad has ever happened or could ever happen and it scares me. When he looks into my eyes and smiles like that… My whole body shivers again and not with the cold. I know I’ve fallen, and fallen hard. As much as I know this is doomed to end in heartbreak, I can’t stop my heart from loving this strong, complex, dark and yet incredibly sweet man. He’s so different than I thought he’d be, at least when we’re alone. Onstage he’s the confident rock frontman, who takes control and makes everyone fall for him. But I’ve fallen for the private man, the Finn the world doesn’t see. I hope I can be strong enough to face the world when people find out about us. If that’s what’s going to happen. Are we still just friends? Does this mean to him what it does to me?
Finn’s mouth turns down in a slight frown. “We should head back to the hotel, it’s getting late.”
That’s it? Are we going to talk about what happened? “Uh, sure. I guess.”
He takes my hand again and leads me back onto the street. Somehow the car pulls up beside us. Is this something Finn does all the time? How does Stan know just when to be here? Or was he following us the whole time and I was just too focused on Finn to notice?
Finn opens the door for me and I slide onto the cool leather seat. I shiver again and this time it’s from the cold and from the uncertainty about what just happened. I want to talk about it, but my inexperience makes it hard for me to know where to start.