After a while, Wes walks up to the group of people we are talking to and acts completely normal. Like the kiss that almost happened between us never occurred. I am not sure if it’s for my benefit, his, or ours. Either way, I am grateful for it.
All three of us spend the rest of the day hanging with just each other, sitting on the fold out chairs and genuinely enjoying each other’s company. Occasionally, I could feel Wes’ eyes on me, but I couldn’t bring myself to look at him to confirm it, but I knew he was. Emily had left right after our little tiff, so I was able to mostly enjoy the rest of the day. Well, besides the fact that I can’t help but think about what almost happened between Wes and me.
By the time we are ready to clean up and leave, Gem comes over to talk to me. “So, that was an interesting start to the day. I mean, I was going to let you rip her limb from to limb, but the good best friend that I am didn’t want to see you in prison. I kind of need ya’ for our business. Besides, even though you can rock just about any type of clothing, I don’t think even you could pull off an orange jumpsuit,” she jokes with a smile.
“You know, that’s exactly what I was thinking. Me in an orange jumpsuit? Yeah, that wouldn’t look good. But… on the other hand, it would’ve given me some street cred.”
“I think you have plenty of that.”
I freeze at her comment and she instantly takes it back, “Shit. I’m sorry, chick. I didn’t mean it like that.”
“Yeah, you did. But it’s alright; I know you meant it in a harmless, funny way.” I froze as a reaction to the blow directed at my past, even though I know she never in a million years would use it against me. Maybe one day I’ll be able to take jokes like that and laugh at it. But that day is not today.
Getting back to town, we unload the canoe and bring the cooler to the front porch. Wes has meetings in Chicago Monday that he needs to prepare for, so he is leaving as soon as we take him to his car. As we’re walking towards my car, Gemma excuses herself claiming she is exhausted and headed for bed. I know better and should have seen it coming; she always seems to dip out on Wes and me every opportunity she gets. I’m thinking she can’t abandon me now because that would mean Wes and I will have to talk. Though, she wasn’t around when the almost kiss happened. She has to know how much I want her stay since I keep pleading with her with my eyes; she completely ignores me. Damn her! On our way home, we definitely need to have a little chat about her little antics when it comes to leaving when Wes is around. It’s absolutely bogus.
Wes and I drive to the gas station in complete silence. I put the car in park next to his. I look over and give him a nervous smile. “This is it. Thanks for coming and spending the day with me. I mean us.”
“Yeah, it was definitely an interesting day. I like Gemma and all, but do you really think I came to visit you both?” I have no response for his question. He shakes his head. “No, Marlie. I came to be with you.” He reaches over and tries to kiss me again but this time I don’t let it almost happen. I don’t let it happen at all. I avoid his lips by turning away.
“I’m sorry, I can’t. I just… can’t.” I am on the verge of crying because I know I want this, I just can’t get hurt again. I have a secret or secrets, however you want to think of it, and I can’t begin something with him and have it end up destroying me. The last time I ended up hurt, it almost completely shattered me.
“I know,” he says with a sigh. “I just wish you would let me in that stubborn head of yours. I know you want to let me in,” he leans his head back and closes his eyes.
“Maybe I do, but I can’t,” I say with a sorrow filled voice.
“That’s all you ever say is you can’t. Can’t you give me something more? I want to understand you.”
I lean my head against my window and look out as I speak “I have secrets; secrets that I can’t share. Some I don’t want to share and some I have no choice in. You don’t want to be with me, Wes. I am fucked up. I don’t know why you would even want to try.”
He leans over and grabs my chin, forcing me look at him. I see dark flash through his green specs as he speaks, “You think you’re the only one with secrets, Marlie? I have shit that I have kept in me that I don’t want to share, or can’t, either okay? We don’t need to share our secrets to make this work. I have feelings for you and no matter what I do, they won’t go away.” He looks down and I can tell he’s trying to hold something in. When he looks up, determination is plastered all over his face. “Just give this a damn chance.”
Before I know what’s happening, he grabs me a kisses me hard. A kiss that feels like he is desperate for it. And I reciprocate like a ticking bomb that has finally exploded. And shit, it feels so good.
Instantly, I am touching him everywhere. He grabs me by my hips, pulls me from the driver’s seat and places me on his lap. As our hands explore each other’s bodies, I can feel the hard length of his arousal and I rub vigorously against it. His hands start to creep lower and lower, finding the buttons of my jeans, but before he can go any further, I stop him and break away from his lips. I lean my forehead against his and our heavy panting fills the air. “I can’t, Wes. I want to, I really do. I just need more time. Can we take it slow? See how this goes?”
“Fucking finally.” The relief of my giving in and letting go is evident in his voice. He gives me another passionate kiss before he releases me back to my seat and gets out.
I can’t believe this; any of it. He’s right - we don’t have to share our secrets, but I’m afraid that if he gets too close to me, he’ll find out. I have just made the biggest step. A step that I thought I would never be able to make again. The funny thing is, is that I am okay with this. I am elated actually; like a small piece to my large broken puzzle has been put back together. But where do we go from here? That’s something I am going to have to think through.
TEN
BACK IN DENVER, MY LIFE RESUMES as normal. The only thing that is bothering me is that I haven’t spoken to Wes. For once, it’s not because of me. I have called and texted him a few times and have heard nothing. I was kind of going crazy for a while there. I was being super bitchy to everyone and living in my own little world. Gemma eventually spoke up and I ended up breaking down and telling her everything that happened when I dropped Wes off. She was over the top with joy, but couldn’t really give me anything solid as to why he hasn’t responded to me. For now, I am just going to let it go even though my mind is spinning in circles trying to figure out what is going on. I mean, we went from talking every day, to that kiss, to nothing at all. Talk about mixed signals.
“Hey guys.” I greet walking past Alex and Henry to the back to start on my work for the day. I am still working on my childrens line, and I plan on revealing everything the first of September. I don’t know how well they will turn out as far as a profit, but I will never know unless I try. I, for one, am pretty happy with how everything is going.
Four hours later, after focusing only on my work, I am walking out the door with Gemma to lunch, when my phone starts to ring. It’s a number I don’t recgonize. I usually don’t answer unknown numbers, but it’s a local number and I haven’t heard from Wes, so I am hopeful it could be him.
“Hello?”
“Ms. Edwards?” the vaguely familiar female voice on the other end asks.
“Yes, this is she.”
“Ms. Edwards, this is Detective Asbury. I handled your case two years ago. Do you have a moment to talk? This wont take long.”
My heart rate speeds up as soon as she utters her name.
“Yes,” I whisper. I stop walking and I look over at Gemma who has stopped with me and eyes me questioningly.
“Okay, well I am calling to inform you that I just got news that Carter Murdock, was released early yesterday morning. I don’t know much about the how or why, but given how bad your case was, I thought I ought to let you know.”
Panic sets in and I can’t breathe. I move to sit down along the wall and drop the phone. I am frozen in a st
ate of dread. This can’t be happening; this can’t be happening. I feel like my world has just come to an end.
On the ground, I hear the detective calling out my name, but I can’t move. Gemma moves to grab my phone from the concrete.
“Hello?” she asks to the other end. I hear nothing coming from the detective’s side.
“Hello Detective, this is Gemma Mathews… Yes, we met back then….. Yes, okay, I’ll let her know. Thanks for calling,” and then she hangs up.
“Oh Marlie, sweetie, I am so sorry. I don’t know what to say,” she says, bending down to my level. I am too shocked to move, to breathe, or to respond. I just sit with my head in my hands trying to hold back any kind of emotion. I know that once I let myself feel anything, I won’t be able to handle it.
She brushes some of my hair away from my face, “Let’s get you up and back to the apartment, okay?”
I nod and she helps me up. I can’t believe they let him out. How? Why? He was supposed to sit and rot in that fucking prison for at least another year. I don’t know what any of this means for me.
The man I fell in love with when we were both sixteen is the not the same one who did what he did to me two years ago and was locked up for. No, that man is now a monster. A man who has succumbed to his uncle’s ways and lifestyle. A man who is the reason I have to race and risk my life every summer for his same uncle. All because I sent him to prison, and I had to take his place. It would be nice to think that now that he is out, I won’t have to do it anymore, but I know better. I know I have to finish my time and pay off my debt or he’ll end my life. It also means I will have to see him. To face him, and I am beyond terrified.
I make it up to the apartment and go straight to my bed with Gemma following close behind. I sit on the edge of my bed and stare out the window.
“What did she say to you?” I ask Gemma, continuing to stare at nothing particular out my window.
She moves to sit on my bed next to me, “She said she recommends you getting an order of protection immediately because she checked and there isn’t one on him for you.”
“It doesn’t matter, it won’t do me any good,” I say softly.
“It does matter. The minute he is near you, he can go right back to jail,” she throws back at me with determination in her voice, but also laced with fear. Fear for me.
“Why? So Olin can just go ahead and fucking kill me? Either way, I am screwed Gemma. I need to pick the lesser of the two. Die, or deal with it.” And now the emotions are starting to kick in. First was panic, then complete numbness, and now rage. I don’t know how she could think that it would be that easy. She knows exactly how it is.
“I know Marlie and I’m sorry. I don’t want you to think any of this is your fault. That motherfucker should have to pay for what he did to you! Now you are the one having to pay for him hurting you! It’s just not fair. And now this? What are you going to do?” She gets up and starts pacing the floor. She is completely worked up. That’s makes two of us. But I am trying not to show it.
“I… I don’t know,” I whisper, putting my face back into my hands. I have no clue what I am going to do. My complicated life just rose to a whole new level.
I. Am. Fucked.
“Okay, what do you need me to do?” she asks, stopping to look at me.
The thing is, I know Gemma can’t do anything. She can’t, or she’ll end up in a situation like me. I was lucky last time to not have had her dragged into this. And I will make sure she doesn’t get involved this time. If she does, she will be putting her life at risk. She knows exactly how Carter’s Uncle, Olin, works.
In the years before shit went down, when Carter and I were only sixteen, his uncle seemed like a sweet, slightly off-hinged, old man. But as we grew up, his true colors really started to show. I tried to get Carter away from it all; the drugs, guns, and women going in and out of his uncle’s warehouse. I tried, I really did; myself included.
At first I thought it was going to be okay, that I had him. He spent more time with me and less time with him. But in the end, there was nothing I could do. He grew up knowing only that life. His parents were dead, so he only had his uncle to raise and care for him since the age of nine. The only thing I am grateful for, when it comes to Carter Fucking Murdock, is that he taught me how to drive. Otherwise, my first race probably would’ve ended my life.
“Nothing. I just want to be alone right now,” I tell her thinking this is going to be a battle with her. The last time I was in this state of mind, I locked myself in my room for three weeks and almost drank myself into oblivion. To my surprise, she doesn’t argue.
“Okay, but I am going to call the shop and tell them to go ahead and go home for the rest of the week. I am going to be here when you need me. I am not going anywhere. Stay strong Marlie, you are one of the toughest people I know. You can and you will get through this.” She places a kiss on the top of my head and walks out quietly shutting my door.
She thinks I am strong but I am not. I am weak. Strong people don’t sit in their rooms and hide from their problems. No, only weak people do that.
I get up and start pacing my room. I need to let it out. I need to let myself feel something more. If I do, it’ll clear my mind to think. The only emotion present right now is rage. Rage and hate for Carter and his uncle.
I rip my skirt off and sit back down on my bed. I scoot back to my headboard, lean back on my pillows and pull my panties away from the front left side of my hip. I just stare at it. At my scar that was left from that day two years ago. The day that my life changed. I slowly run my fingers along the four inch scar. He did this to me. He should be the only one who suffers. Not me.
I get up and pace my room again and scream out with everything I have. I hate him. I swipe my arm along everything I have on my dresser. I hate him. I punch the wall over and over again. I hate him. I grab my phone and chuck it towards to bathroom and watch as it shatters the mirror and then shatters itself on the tile. I. Hate. Him! All I see is black. I left. I have left reality and gone into the dark, and my mind sees nothing but anger.
In the middle my blacked-out outburst, Gemma comes in and grabs me. “Stop this, Marlie!” She wraps her arms around me and interlocks her fingers to keep her hold on me. In the middle of trying to remove her hold, my body gives out and I collapse bringing Gemma down with me. She starts to rock me back and forth like a small child. “It’s okay, Marlie. It will be okay.”
That’s when I let go. I start to cry. Not weep, but ball my eyes out. The ugliest of cries, and Gemma is right there with me. She knows the hurt I have been through. The things I have witnessed and done. I didn’t choose this for myself. Just as my life was coming along, it had to crash back down.
What have I done to deserve any of this? Deep down. I know I deserve this. I did make the choices that led me to this mess. It’s all my fault.
I eventually get to my bed and continue to cry until I drift to sleep, with Gemma right there with me the whole time.
I CAN’T MOVE. I can’t breathe. I never thought this is what would become of him. He has me by my throat. “Please.” I beg him.
“Please what, bitch?” he is angry. God, is he angry. I shouldn’t have let him in.
“Please don’t do this. Let me go, Carter,” I plead.
He squeezes his hand around my neck even tighter. “You think you can just end this? You can’t leave me! No matter what you do. You can NEVER get rid of me. NEVER! Do you understand me, bitch!?”
Grasping at what little air I have left, because I know my time is up, I give him my final words. “Fuck you,” I spit out.
My vision starts to get blurry. This is it, he is going to squeeze my last breath out of me. But then as soon as I give up, he lets go and drops me. I scramble to my hands and knees gasping for air and try to get away as he moves towards the kitchen. But I knew it couldn’t be that easy. It never is with him. He comes back and grabs my hair and slams my body to the ground. I kick and try as hard as I can to ge
t him off of me, but I am too weak from the death grip he had on my neck. He pins me down and brings a knife to my throat. Oh god!
“Fuck you? I’ll show you ‘Fuck you’!” he fumes at me. He moves the knife and starts cutting off my clothes while nicking my skin at the same time. Each cut burning into the next.
“NO!” I scream. I will fight. I will not let myself go down this way; this easy.
I get a blow to the face from struggling against him. He pulls down my pants and rips my underwear off. He’s distracted for only second as he works to free the buttons on his pants. I gather my strength and head-butt him, but it doesn’t faze him. It only makes him angrier.
What is he on?
“You. Fucking. Bitch. If you don’t stay still, I will make you stay still!” and then he brings the knife down to below my hip and stabs it into me, twisting it around to give it that extra effect.
It hurts so fucking much, it’s unbearable and I scream out in more pain than I have ever felt.
“Shut up, you think you’re special? Just because I have been fucking you the longest? No! That just means you were available long-term. I can replace you. I have whores lined up ready to do as I ask! Whores that I’ve been doing when you weren’t around. Now I am going to treat you like the rest of them!” He gets his pants down the rest of the way. I try to use what little strength I have to get away from him, but I can’t move. The knife in my upper thigh won’t let me.
“No! No! No!” I scream at him
“Marlie!”
My body is being shaken
“Marlie! Wake up!”
I fly up into a sitting position, grab my throat and start gasping for air. I am shaking and drenched in sweat. A hand touches my back and I flinch.
“Hey, it’s just me. You had a nightmare,” Gemma soothes.
Underground Secrets (The Underground #1) Page 12