Remembrance

by Danielle Steel

  As though the gesture were made by someone else, she felt herself nodding, and the next thing she knew she was crushed in his arms. But she found as she stood there that that was all she wanted. She wanted to be with him, to be his, to stand beside him forever, and when he kissed her this time, she felt her whole heart go out to him with her kiss.

  He took her home to her apartment that night and left her outside her doorway. He kissed her as passionately as he had before, but he forced himself to leave her at the door. He was back again though the next morning, with fresh coffee and croissants, a basket of fruit, and an armful of flowers, and she opened the door to him sleepily in her nightgown and was astounded as he stepped inside. What began after that was an old-fashioned courtship. They were together every minute of the day. He had finished his work, and she took her vacation from the agency at last. They went to the beach and the park and the country, held each other and kissed and touched, and it wasn't until the end of the week that she went to his hotel room at last. He was staying uptown at the Hotel Carlyle, in a huge beautiful suite overlooking the park. He took her there just to show her the view, and then once again he kissed her, but this time neither of them could hold back anymore. He held her in his arms with such an aching of desire that she could hardly bear it, and she knew then that there was no fighting what had to be. They needed and wanted each other too badly to try to stem the tides anymore, and they took each other with such unbridled passion that Serena wondered once or twice if they would live through the night. But when morning came, they were spent at last, lovers to their very souls, and she felt as though she belonged to him forever. She was Vasili's now, to her very core.

  The agony of it was that he was leaving for Paris on the following morning, and Teddy and Vanessa were due back in two days.

  Serena sat looking serious after their first cup of coffee. “It's all right, darling. I promise you. You'll meet me in London.”

  But, Vasili …” He made it sound so simple. She had Vanessa, a child she couldn't easily leave and didn't want to, and then there was Teddy, she hated to leave him too. He had been a brother and a friend to her for so long, and such a constant presence in her life in New York, that it was difficult to imagine being without him. She looked at Vasili now and felt sorrow well up within her. She didn't want him to leave the next day.

  “Then come with me.”

  “But I can't… Vanessa—”

  “Bring her along. She can start the school year in Paris or London. She speaks French, so it can't be a problem.” And then with a grin, “It's only as complicated as you make it.”

  “That's not true. I can't just uproot her so I can run around chasing after a man.”

  “No.” He looked at her seriously then. “But you can bring her with you if you choose to marry that man.” Serena said nothing. She only stared at him. “I mean that. I'm going to marry you, you know. The only question is when it will suit you. I think that we settled the rest of the question last night.” Serena blushed furiously and he kissed her. “I love you, Princess. I must have you for my own.”

  But who really was Vasili? Serena felt sudden panic well up in her. How could she do this? What was she doing? But it was as though Vasili could read her mind. “Stop worrying, my darling. We will work everything out.” But how from three thousand miles across the ocean? She got up from where she sat and wandered slowly toward the window, her long beautiful carved ivory body looking like a white marble statue in motion, and it filled Vasili with desire again. “Serena.” He said it so softly that it was barely more than a whisper.

  “Will you marry me?”

  Her eyes filled with tears. “I don't know.” But she already knew that she had embarked on an ocean she could not control. She wanted this man more than she had wanted anyone since Brad. Just as he seemed to feel about her, she also felt that she had to have him, but it was a kind of breathtaking roller-coaster whirl. There was nothing calm or peaceful about this. It was raw passion and a constant riptide of desire. He walked toward her now, fully erect and with his black eyes blazing.

  “Will you marry me, Serena?” It wasn't a menace, but it was a wonderful growl, and he swept her into his arms, as she caught her breath and he held her. “Will you?”

  Slowly, hypnotically, she nodded. “I will.” And then he took her on the floor of his hotel room, and she cried out with her own desire.

  And when it was over, he looked down at her with a small victorious smile. “I meant what I said, my beloved princess. I want you to be my wife. Did you mean what you said?”

  She nodded slowly. “Then, say it, Serena.” He pinned her to the ground and for a moment she thought she saw madness in his eyes. “Say it. Say that you will be my wife.”

  “I will be your wife.” She repeated it as she watched him.

  “Why?” But as he asked her his whole face seemed to melt and once again he became gentle. “Why, Serena?” It was a tender whisper.

  “Because I love you.” Her eyes filled with tears and he took her in his arms and made love to her again and again, telling her all the while how much he loved her.

  39

  The next morning Vasili left for Paris, and Serena stood at the airport, staring after his plane. It had all been like a dream, and she felt as though she were still in a trance as she got back into the Bentley and rode back to her apartment. Did he mean what he had said? Was he serious about marrying her? How could she know so soon? She barely knew him. Now that he was gone, she felt slightly less under his spell. And there was Vanessa … the child had never even met Vasili. Serena's heart pounded at what she had done. She wanted to reach for the phone and confide in Dorothea, but she was ashamed to admit that she had fallen so easily for Vasili's charms.

  As she sat and stared out the window that night, the phone rang. It was Vasili, in Paris, he already missed her and wanted to know how she was, and his voice was so gentle and so sexy that she found herself swept off her feet again. By the next morning the apartment was filled with flowers. There was four baskets of white roses for his princess, and by noon she had received a box from Bergdorf Goodman, containing a spectacular fur coat.

  “Oh, my God.” She stood staring into the mirror, in her nightgown and the mink coat, wondering how she would explain it, and once again the full force of what she had done came to mind. In two hours she had to pick up Vanessa at Grand Central Station, and she knew that Teddy would be back from Newport late that night. She wanted to tell him something, but she felt strange explaining Vasili to him. It had all happened so quickly and with such force. She was pensive and a little nervous as she stood there debating, but the phone rang again and it was Vasili. He wanted her to meet him in London for a few days the following week. And it seemed to her that if she did that, it would at least give her another chance to evaluate how she felt. She accepted quickly, thanked him profusely for the coat, said that she really couldn't accept it, but he insisted. And after they hung up, she put it back in the box and hid it in a suitcase.

  When she picked up Vanessa at Grand Central, the child was filled with her adventures at camp. She introduced her mother to all of her friends before they tearfully parted at the station, and on the way home she didn't stop once to catch her breath. Serena was grateful that nothing was required of her, all she had to do was ooh and ahh, and make the appropriate affectionate gestures, but she felt as though her mind were already crammed full with her own confusion, and there was no room for anything else, not even Vanessa.

  It wasn't until after eleven o'clock that night when the doorbell rang that she really knew how anxious and confused she was. She opened the door to tall, blond, deeply suntanned Teddy, he held out his arms to her and she looked vague and a little embarrassed.

  “You sure don't look too happy to see me.” He teased her with a broad grin, and she laughed nervously as she kissed him.

  “I'm sorry, love. I'm just so damn tired.”

  He frowned at her in consternation. “I thought you were g
oing to take a vacation.”

  “I was … I did … I mean I meant to … I don't know. There's just so much work from the agency right now.”

  “That's crazy.” He looked annoyed. “You promised me you'd rest.”

  “Well, I did. Sort of.” But how could she tell him? She knew that she couldn't, at least not yet. But she decided to leap into some of it very quickly, otherwise she knew she'd never have the courage to say anything at all. “I'm going to London next week, by the way.”

  “You are?” He looked startled. “They're really pushing you these days, aren't they?”

  She nodded. “Can you stay here with Vanessa?” It made her feel awkward to ask him, but she didn't know anyone else she trusted Vanessa with as much as Teddy. He nodded pensively.

  “Sure. What kind of a shoot is it?”

  Serena busied herself with some papers. “I don't know yet.”

  By the time she left she was feeling very nervous. She cried when she said good-bye to Vanessa. Her guilt made her feel convinced she'd crash on the plane, she was sure that the whole trip would be a disaster, and she really didn't want to go. Yet, something drove her to do it, and by the time she was halfway to Shannon Airport for their first stop, she was so excited, she could hardly breathe. All thought of the loved ones she had left behind had almost vanished, and all she could think of was Vasili, waiting for her at the other end. When she saw him in London, it was a jubilant reunion. He took her to his little mews house in Chelsea and made love to her in the beautiful little blue and white bedroom on the second floor. The shoot, it turned out, had been canceled. But instead he had scheduled a round of parties, and was taking Serena to all of the most important social events. Much of the London season wasn't in full swing yet. It was still early in September, but Serena thought that she had never been to so many parties in so few days. He introduced her to everyone he could think of, took her on long romantic walks in the park, shopped with her in Chelsea and at Hardy Amies and Harrods, took her to cozy places for lunch and dinner. He seemed proud to introduce her to everyone in sight, and on her second day there, there was an item in the paper about them. “And who is Vasili Arbus's spectacular new romance? They say the ravishing Italian blonde is a princess, and she certainly looks the part. Don't they make a handsome pair!” On the third day someone had matched up her photographs with her name from some fashion shots they had previously seen, and the papers boldly speculated, PRINCESS SERENA, VAS?L? ARBUS'S NUMBER FIVE? It was a headline that made Serena nervous, remembering how often items from London were picked up in New York. But by the end of the week she had grown used to the gossip, and it seemed as though she had always been part of his life. She brought him coffee and croissants in the morning, he gave her long sensuous massages at night. They talked until all hours of the morning, and she watched his friends with a sense of intrigue. For the most part they seemed a racy crew, but she thought that perhaps in time one could find a few people among them who were worthwhile. She couldn't truly say that she disliked his life. His studio was enormous and very efficient, his house was enchanting, and the man himself had wit and genius, tenderness and humor and taste. He was, in many ways, all that one could want in a man. But she still felt that she hadn't known him for a very long time. And yet, overwhelming everything was his obvious love for her and their passion. They seemed to spend endless hours making love, and again and again he urged her to marry him quickly. And although she thought she should hold off for a while, she really didn't want to. She wanted to be with him every hour of the day, every moment. Peeling her body away from his was almost painful. And they were always together. She could no longer imagine a life apart from his and he wanted to marry her by Christmas. Serena still had occasional doubts and fears about getting married so fast and perhaps upsetting Vanessa, but he pooh-poohed them.

  “I don't want to wait. I don't see why we should. I want us to have a life together. To spend all our time with each other, working, having fun, with our friends.” He looked tenderly at her. “We could have a baby, and, Serena, I'm thirty-nine. I'm in a hurry to have you be all mine forever.”

  “Let me try to work it out when I get home. I have to break this to Vanessa.”

  “Do you still want to marry me?” He looked suddenly crushed, and she leaned forward and kissed him on the lips.

  “Of course. I just don't want to startle her by doing it so quickly.” And then there was Teddy she would have to explain it to. She wondered what his reaction would be. But Vasili was always insistent.

  “When it's right, you have to grab the moment.” It was not unlike what Brad had said nine years before, which somehow gave his urge to rush into marriage a little more respectable credence.

  “I'll work it out.” Her voice was very quiet.

  “When?” He was pushing and it drove her crazy. She was already torn between reason and passion.

  “As soon as I go home.”

  When she got off the plane at Idle wild Airport in New York, Teddy was waiting. He looked strangely serious, and Serena saw almost right away that his eyes were sad. He kissed her as he always did, and when at last they had picked up her bags and got into his car, he turned toward her. “Why didn't you tell me why you went over there?”

  A knife of guilt cut through her. He already knew. “Teddy … I went for a shoot, and the shoot was canceled.”

  “But you went to see a man too, didn't you?” Her eyes glued to his, she nodded. “Why didn't you tell me?”

  She sighed deeply then and shook her head. “I'm sorry, Teddy. I don't know. I just didn't know where things stood. I thought I'd tell you when I got back.”

  “And?” He looked deeply hurt that she hadn't told him. He had seen a small item in the papers. It mentioned Vasili Arbus by name, and that Serena was staying with him.

  She took a deep breath then and looked into his eyes. “I'm getting married.” She wasn't sure why but she felt as though she had to defend herself to him.

  “Already?” He looked shocked. “To Vasili Arbus?”

  “Yes, to both questions.” She smiled then. “I love him very much. He's brilliant and wonderful and creative and a little crazy.”

  “So I've heard.” He stopped to look at her then. “Serena, do you know what the hell you're doing?”

  “Yes.” But she still felt a little flutter of fear. It had all happened so quickly.

  “How long have you known him?”

  “Long enough.”

  “Serena, do whatever you want, live with him, go to London, but don't marry him. Not right away.… I've heard a lot of strange things about that man.”

  “That's not fair, Teddy. It's not like you.” She looked upset. She wanted Teddy to approve of what she was doing.

  “I'm not saying that because I'm jealous, I'm saying it because I love you. I've heard that—that he killed his last wife.” He looked terrified and pale in the car, and Serena's eyes grew bright with anger.

  “How dare you say something like that! She died from an overdose!”

  “Do you know of what?” His voice was strangely quiet.

  “How the hell do I know?”

  “Heroin.”

  “So she was a junkie, so what? That's not his fault, and he didn't kill her.”

  “Oh, God, Serena … please be sensible, you have so much at stake, yourself and Vanessa.” And dammit, he thought to himself as he voiced his objections, I still love you. “Why don't you just give it time?” But he was forcing her to dig in her heels.

  “I know what I'm doing. Don't you trust me?”

  “Yes.” His voice was very quiet. “But I'm not sure I trust him.”

  She shook her head and looked out the window. “You're wrong, Teddy. He's a good man.”

  “How do you know that?”

  “I feel it.” She looked steadily at Teddy. “And he loves me. And we're in the same business. Teddy …” Her voice grew very soft. “It's right.”

  “How soon are you going?”

  �
��As soon as I can.”

  “What about Vanessa?”

  “I'm going to tell her when I get home.” And then she looked searchingly at the man who had been her brother-in-law and dearest friend for years. “Will you come to see us?”

  “Anytime you let me.”

  “You'll always be welcome. You're the only family I have, other than Vanessa. That better not change now.”

  “It won't.” But he drove her into the city in silence, trying to recover from the shock of all she'd said. For the first time in a long time he wanted to tell her that he loved her. He wanted to stop her madness, to protect her.

  40

  “But why do we have to move to London?” Vanessa was looking plaintively at her mother.

  “Because, darling, I'm getting married and that's where Vasili lives.” Serena felt very odd as she tried to explain it to Vanessa. All of the things that she was doing wrong seemed even more difficult to explain. It was wrong that she was moving so quickly, that she was giving up her career in New York, that she was leaving Teddy, that Vanessa hadn't met Vasili.

  Vanessa looked at her now. “Can't I just stay here?” Serena felt as though she had been slapped by her daughter.

  “Don't you want to come with me, Vanessa?” Serena had to fight back tears.

  “But who'll take care of Uncle Teddy?”

  “He will. And you know, one of these days he might get married too.”

  “But don't you love him?” Vanessa looked more than ever confused, and Serena looked distraught.

  “Of course I do, but not that way—oh, Vanessa, love is complicated.” How could one explain to a child about passion? “Anyway, now this nice man has come along and he wants you and me to come and live with him in London. And he has a house in Athens, and an apartment in Paris, and …” She felt like a complete fool trying to convince her daughter. Vanessa was just a child, not yet eight, and yet she knew when her mother was doing something wrong. Dorothea Kerr had been a great deal more blunt about it.