Finding Home

by Erica Lee

  Taylor nodded in agreement, but kept her eyes toward the ground. When she finally looked up at me, I made sure to speak as sternly as possible, to convince not only her, but also myself, that I believed the words I was saying. “We can’t let that happen again.”

  “You’re right. I know we can’t,” Taylor agreed, but the way she leaned closer to me told me otherwise.

  I looked into her eyes as she continued to move in. “It's a really bad idea.”

  “A terrible idea,” Taylor added, as her lips stopped just short of mine.

  “We could both get really hurt.”

  “We probably will.”

  Once that last sentence was out of her mouth, I sighed and closed the last few inches left between us, connecting my lips with hers. This kiss was somehow even better than the first because there was a mutual understanding that even though this shouldn’t be happening, we were too weak to stop it. Taylor and I were destined to crash back together and the universe was going to make sure we did, no matter how much we tried to resist it.

  When we finally pulled apart, Taylor gave me a look that was filled with both satisfaction and worry, but her next words took me by surprise. “Go on a date with me tonight.”

  I should have said no. I knew I had to say no if I wanted to protect my heart. But instead, I leaned in and whispered a simple “Ok” against her lips, before devouring them with mine again.

  Chapter 10: Taylor

  As I drove to Alexis’s house to pick her up, I asked myself what was wrong with me. I must be a masochist. That is the only explanation for why I would ask my ex-girlfriend out on a date just a week after being dumped by my fiancé. Sure, being back around her had brought back feelings that I had hidden deep inside and making out with her was probably one of the greatest pastimes I could imagine, but this couldn’t go anywhere so why was I putting myself through the pain of losing her again? Masochist.

  I figured we should probably discuss what was happening between us, but I really didn’t want to ruin what we had with words. Unfortunately, I didn’t have a choice once Alexis was in my car and gave me that we need to talk look.

  “I know you’re going to fight me on this, but we need to talk about what this is.” She motioned between the two of us as she said the words.

  “Two old friends catching up?” I joked, trying to lighten the mood.

  Alexis rolled her eyes at me. “Oh is that what you call it when you spend the morning making out with your ex?”

  “I don’t know what to say Lexi. I’m super confused about all of this. Not to beat a dead horse, but I was supposed to be getting married in just a few weeks and now I’m going on a date with you. I’m honestly not sure how to feel about any of that, but I do know being with you makes me feel happier than I have in a really long time. I know it’s a messed up situation and we’re going to end up at the same sticky spot we did seven years ago, but I’d really just like to enjoy my time with you.”

  For the first time since getting into the car, Alexis smiled over at me. “I’m happier than I’ve been in a really long time too.” Just as quickly as her smile had come, she grew serious again. “I think we need some ground rules or at least an understanding.”

  “Ok. What are you thinking?” I asked nervously.

  Alexis took a deep breath. “I just think we need to have realistic expectations of each other. I can’t expect you to stay here and you can’t expect me to come to New York. We need to realize that no matter what happens between us, there is an expiration date on this.”

  “Makes sense,” I said with a shrug. Although, truthfully, it made me sad to think of this ending before it even started. “Any other rules?”

  Alexis shook her head. “I think as long as we keep our heads and hearts in check, everything else is fair game.”

  I reached my hand across the middle console of my car. “In that case, could I hold your hand?”

  Alexis smiled at me as she intertwined our fingers together. The feeling of her hand in mine as we drove down the snow covered road was absolute perfection. It made me wonder what I had been thinking the past five years with Stacy. It hadn’t felt anything like this. I would have felt guilty about the revelation if she hadn’t been so heartless when she dumped me. Come to think of it, she had actually been pretty heartless throughout our whole relationship. I was just too blind to see it. It’s like Alexis had opened my eyes again.

  “So are you going to tell me where we are going?” Alexis asked, interrupting my thoughts.

  “You’ll find out soon enough,” I said with a smirk.

  A few minutes later, when we arrived at a mostly empty park, she raised an eyebrow at me.

  “Patience. This will make sense shortly,” I promised. As soon as I finished my sentence, I heard the sound of horse hooves on the pavement. Alexis must have heard it too, because she turned in the direction of the noise.

  Her eyes lit up as she looked back at me. “You didn’t!”

  “I did,” I smirked.

  I gave the driver my information, then helped Alexis into the carriage, covering us both with a blanket once we were seated. “So you do remember the last time we did this?” I asked as the carriage started to move.

  Alexis leaned into me and sighed happily. “Of course I do. It was our junior winter formal and our first official date since coming out.”

  I smiled thinking about the memory. “You were worried about how people would react to us actually being lovey in public.”

  “So you came to pick me up in a horse driven carriage and told me that if we were going to make a spectacle of ourselves, we might as well make it worthwhile. Although, if I remember correctly, we got to the dance pretty late that night. I seem to remember someone asking the driver to do a few more laps so we had more time.”

  “Hm,” I mocked. “I don’t seem to remember that. Maybe you should remind me exactly what I wanted more time for.”

  Just as I had hoped, Alexis brought her mouth to mine and kissed me slowly. I relished the way it felt to have her mouth on mine and wondered how I had let myself go years without this. I also wondered how I was going to let myself give it up again, but that was a thought for another day. For now, I was going to enjoy the fact that Alexis had her hands in my hair and mine were holding her cheeks. After a few minutes, we both pulled back, desperate for air. Instinctively, our hands found each other again.

  “So, tell me about 27 year old Taylor,” Alexis inquired, as she placed a kiss on my cheek.

  “Not much has changed. Apparently, I’m still the same girl who enjoys making out on carriage rides,” I joked. “Seriously though, it’s probably about what you would expect. I work for a big publishing company in New York or maybe I should say worked. It’s a long story, but I’m not quite sure where I stand with that. In my free time, I like to either travel or work on my novel.”

  Alexis shot up in response to my last sentence. “You’re working on a novel?! Tay, that’s amazing. That was always a dream of yours.”

  I lifted one shoulder and let it drop. “My goal was to become a full time writer someday, but that doesn’t seem too practical anymore.”

  “Tay - you can do anything you set your mind to,” Alexis reassured me. “Do you think I could read what you have so far?”

  Her words surprised me. No one had ever taken interest in my writing before. “You’d really want to?”

  “Of course,” she beamed. “Why wouldn’t I?” Then a look of realization hit her and she added, “Let me guess. Stacy wouldn’t read it.”

  I shook my head. “Nope. She said she didn’t have enough time. Apparently neither did the publishing company I work for which, I guess I should add, is owned by her father.”

  “Ouch,” Alexis responded under her breath.

  I replied with a nod. “Yep. But anyway, what about you?”

  “What about me?” Alexis asked.

  “Yeah. What’s new and exciting with you?”

  “Ha absolutely nothing. I spen
d all of my time either working at the farm or hanging out with my mom. I’m super boring.”

  I looked at the girl sitting next to me and considered this. “I don’t find that boring at all,” I answered sincerely. “I think it’s great how close you are to your mom. I was always so jealous of your relationship.”

  I thought for a moment, then added, “How have you really been doing? You know, with trying to run the business and closing in on ten years without your dad being around?”

  Alexis stared up at the sky. “It’s strange. In some ways, it’s gotten easier and in other ways it’s gotten so much harder. I’m at the point where I don’t expect to see him anymore. There were actually a good few years after he died when I would almost forget that he wasn’t around. I would call his name or go to give him a call and then the loss would hit me all over again. I guess you could say I’ve gotten numb to not having him around, but I don’t think I’ll ever get used to it. Whenever big things happen in my life, he’s still one of the first people I want to tell. When problems arise at the farm, I want to ask him how to handle them. And in some ways I still can, through prayers and stuff, but it’s still not the same.”

  I thought about Mr. Wright and the way he used to stroke his beard while he would laugh and how loving and open he was. When he hugged you, he would grab you into the tightest bear hug. It felt like you couldn’t breathe, yet at the same time, was so comforting. Then my thoughts went to the night we found out he had died and how hard that was. It might have been harder than losing my mom because it was so unexpected and because, on top of my own pain, I had to witness even more pain in Alexis. Guilt overtook me as my mind settled on me leaving her less than a year later.

  “I’m really sorry I left you after everything that happened with your dad. I never should have let you convince me to go to NYU. We could have started at the community college together. I still feel guilty that I didn’t do that,” I confessed.

  Alexis shook her head at me. “You couldn’t have. I threatened to break up with you if you stayed and I meant it. I couldn’t let you do it.”

  “Yeah and look how it turned out,” I sighed. “We still broke up anyway.”

  Alexis smiled at me and squeezed my hand. “Yeah, but we got two extra years together. We might not have seen each other a ton in that time, but I would take any extra time with you.”

  Butterflies fluttered through my stomach as I considered her words. I would take any extra time with her too, which is why I was so happy with what was currently happening. Except I also wasn’t. I didn’t just want extra time with her. I wanted all of the time with her. I wanted every day for the rest of my life and the thought of not having that killed me.

  We sat silently for the rest of the carriage ride, but it wasn’t an awkward silence. It was that kind of comfortable silence that you can only achieve with someone special and, boy, was Alexis Wright special. I don’t know how I had ever let myself forget that.

  When I dropped Alexis off, I made sure to walk her to her door and give her a goodnight kiss. She stood on her tiptoes as she wrapped her arms around my neck. “I had a really nice time tonight. You really do know how to treat a girl. I’m glad to see city life didn’t ruin those manners. We’re going to be busy around the farm this week, but I’d like you to come by as much as possible between working on your novel. Also, I was wondering if you would do me the pleasure of going on another date with me next Friday? This time I’ll plan it.”

  “Can’t,” I answered quickly. “I actually have a date with someone else on Friday.”

  I watched Alexis’s face fall. “Oh. Yeah. I mean that’s ok. We never actually…”

  I laughed watching Alexis stumble over her words, but figured I should stop torturing her. “Lexi. Calm down. The date is with my dad.”

  Her face did a complete 180 as she jumped up to peck me on the lips one last time. “In that case, I will see you soon!” she said, before slipping away.

  “I’ll see you tomorrow Lexi,” I shouted after her.

  Chapter 11: Alexis

  I woke up the next morning still feeling the sensation of Taylor’s lips on my own. Yesterday had been a dream and I had to pinch myself a few times to remind myself I was actually awake. Sadly, I knew that it was only a matter of time before this dream became a nightmare. Saying goodbye to Taylor was going to kill me, but I couldn’t think about that for now. For once, I had to just live in the moment and enjoy what I had while I still had it.

  I was happy to see that when Mr. Bradley arrived bright and early at 8, Taylor was with him. She was wearing jeans that hugged her body perfectly and a red and green flannel shirt. Christmas never looked so good and I had to remind myself not to drool.

  “Hey Lexi,” Taylor said shyly and I couldn’t help but notice the way her eyes moved up and down my body. It was like her eyes were lasers and everywhere they touched burned a hole right through me.

  “Shall we get started?” I asked, trying to break the spell.

  She followed me toward the barn and as soon as we were inside, pushed me against the door and started kissing me fiercely. “Sorry,” she apologized after a much too short make out session. “I’ve been thinking about doing that again since last night.”

  I waved a finger at her in mock protest. “Taylor Bradley. You need to behave. Didn’t you know that all extracurriculars have to wait until after work?”

  She raised an eyebrow at me. “Really? You mean you’re not going to let me sneak a few kisses in throughout the day.”

  I sighed back at her. “I guess I can make an exception just this once. But you need to earn your kisses, so get to work.”

  To my surprise, she still remembered how the morning routine went and immediately got to work feeding the animals and cleaning up. I was sure there was no one else in this world who could look so hot cleaning up poop.

  We worked around the farm all morning, then took a break to eat lunch. About halfway through my sandwich, I sat it down and turned to look at Taylor. “Ok. Be honest with me. How have you been doing with things?”

  She leaned over and bumped her shoulder against mine playfully. “That depends. What things are you referring to?”

  I rolled my eyes at her. “Oh I don’t know. Maybe the fact that your fiancé dumped you out of nowhere not much more than I week ago.”

  I felt her body tense of beside me and could take this topic made her uncomfortable. “Are you sure this is really something you and I should be talking about?”

  I took her hand in mine and rubbed my thumb against her skin. “Of course it is. No matter what is going on with us, I care about you. I also know you and I know that if I don’t push you to talk to me, you’ll just let it all build up. So tell me how you’re feeling.”

  She groaned, knowing she couldn’t get out of this. “Honestly, I feel crazy, but not because I’m sad or confused. I feel crazy because I’m fine. I’m actually better than fine. This is the happiest I have felt in years. After I got over the initial shock, I realized it didn’t even bother me that Stacy might not ever be part of my life again. She was controlling and cold toward me for most of our relationship. And now I don’t even know if I ever really loved her or if I just liked that she seemed to fill in the pieces of the life I had convinced myself I wanted. But who does that? Who dates someone for five years, decides to marry that person, and plans a whole wedding without realizing that maybe there is something missing? There has to be something wrong with me. I must not be wired correctly or something.”

  If this girl was wired incorrectly, then humankind could use a rewiring to be more like her because I thought she was perfect. I knew trying to convince her of that was nearly impossible, but I could try. “There’s nothing wrong with you. I honestly think you just met her at a time when you thought someone like that was what you needed and then you got pulled into it. Time passed and somewhere deep down, you probably realized things weren’t the way they should be, but you were in too deep at that point. You convinced y
ourself that that’s just how your life was meant to be. But I firmly believe that everything happens for a reason and Stacy ending things so close to the wedding was just God looking out for you and making sure that you didn’t get stuck in a life that wasn’t good for you.”

  As I spoke, Taylor finally started to smile again. “You’re right. You really do know me. You get me in this way that no one else in my life ever has.”

  I didn’t want to push her too much, but I knew there was something else we needed to talk about. “You and your dad are so much more alike than you would ever want to admit and I think that’s why you guys have always had such a hard time getting along. You guys have been through a lot and you both have the type of personality where you would rather shut down than actually face your problems.” When Taylor gave me a look that said she didn’t appreciate my personality assessment, I elaborated. “It’s not a bad thing. It’s just who you are. It’s why we always worked so well. We balance each other out. But that’s not how it works for you two. You and your dad both pull away when things get hard, so when one of you starts to pull away, the other just pulls away even more. That’s why it was so easy for you guys to lose touch.”

  Taylor shrugged in response. “I guess you’re right, but I’m not really sure how we change things now.”

  I grabbed her chin and brought her eyes to mine. “Just talk to him Tay. Start with your dinner on Friday. I think the two of you have a lot to say to each other if you stop being too stubborn to open your mouths.”

  Chapter 12: Taylor

  I thought over Alexis’s advice as I got ready to go to dinner with my dad. I had thought about it a lot over the week and I knew she was right. If we could just get over the walls we had put up, I truly believed we had a chance at rebuilding our relationship.