What a Woman Needs

by Judi Fennell

  She put her hand on his knee and he wanted to yank it off because it was too painful to have her touch him and know that he wouldn’t have the right to do this when he left here.

  “You weren’t listening to me. “

  “I heard you.”

  “No, you heard part of what I said.” She put the pillow aside. “I want to say yes, Bryan. I do. And if it were just me, I’d do it in a heartbeat. Because I love you.”

  “I know you do. You wouldn’t have made love with me last night if you didn’t. So why are you saying no? You do realize you’re the only woman I’ve ever asked this?”

  Adding insult to injury, she put her palm on his cheek. And he let her.

  “I know. And I love that you did, but your life, Bryan . . . We’ve talked about this. I can’t subject the kids to it. They’ve lived in the spotlight and they didn’t handle it well. Maggie still has nightmares.”

  Bryan closed his eyes for a second, willing himself to calm down. He had to think of the kids. As a parent, even a stepparent, he had to think of the kids’ well-being. “You haven’t mentioned any since I’ve been here.”

  “Bryan, it’s only been a few weeks.”

  “That she hasn’t had any. Since I’ve been here, right?”

  “Well, no, but—”

  “No buts, Beth. Maybe she’s stopped having them because she wants me in her life.”

  “Oh she wants you. They all want you. They love you. But they don’t really realize what your lifestyle entails. I, however, do. I’ve been down that road. Every move scrutinized. Every word commented on and analyzed and perhaps twisted in a completely different meaning because it makes good copy. I can’t tell you how many times I had to turn off the television when a news report would come in or a sighting of my kids would happen and they’d be plastered all over the screen. You might have thought Mike had robbed Ft. Knox or had downed a keg before getting on that plane with all the coverage of the accident. Everywhere we turned, there were cameras. And your life invites cameras. The kids don’t understand that, but as their parent, I have to.”

  “But maybe it’ll be different now that I’m in the picture.”

  “You being in our picture isn’t the problem. It’s the other picture you’re in that will be the issue.”

  “So I’ll quit.” And damn if he didn’t mean it. Beth and the kids were more important to him than any movie.

  “That’ll only make the situation worse. The media will jump all over it.”

  “Okay, so I’ll finish this picture and then that’ll be it. I’ll retire.”

  She cocked her head and where he used to find it cute, now he didn’t. Now he wanted her to go along with him and see his reasoning, not argue with him.

  “Bryan, they’re not going to let you go. You retiring will be big news. And the reason you retired will be bigger news. We aren’t going to be able to avoid the spotlight if I say yes to you.”

  She was right and this wasn’t an argument he hadn’t thought of himself, but dammit, why did it have to be one or the other? Why couldn’t they compromise and work something out? She loved him, he loved her, the kids liked him, and God knew he loved them . . . This couldn’t be the end.

  “The constant limelight isn’t fair to the kids, Bryan. It’s bad enough navigating adolescence with Twitter and Facebook, and heaven forbid if they do something careless online and the press gets wind of it. Things we did as kids that weren’t recorded for posterity on YouTube. I can’t risk it, Bryan. I’ve finally gotten them to this place; being engaged to you could send us right back to square one.”

  She was right; he knew it. The constant spotlight could be hard to deal with—and he’d sought it out. The kids, on the other hand . . . Beth was an amazing mother to put her children’s needs ahead of hers—and that only made him love her more.

  It also made him do the same thing because he loved them, too. “Maybe when they’re older—”

  “You’re going to wait until Maggie turns eighteen? That’s thirteen years from now, Bryan. I’m not going to let you do that. You deserve to have a family. Kids. A wife who can give you all of that without all the baggage I carry. I can’t be that woman for you.”

  Her voice broke, the first sign that she wasn’t as resolute in her decision as she was trying to make it seem.

  This was as hard for her as it was for him. There ought to be some comfort in that . . . but there wasn’t. There wasn’t anything comforting about this entire situation.

  Bryan pulled her into his arms. “I’m not going to apologize for asking you, Beth.”

  “I don’t want you to. I love you, Bryan. But I can’t marry you, and you’ll never know just how sorry I am to have to say that.”

  “Oh, I think I have a fairly good idea.” He kissed her temple and rested his chin on her head. “This isn’t a one-and-done offer, you know.”

  She stiffened. “Please, Bryan, don’t get your hopes up. It’s just not feasible. My kids have been through enough. As much as they like you, the fishbowl will get to them. We’ve already lived it; we know.”

  “I hate that you do.”

  “I know.”

  “I hate that my career is going to be the thing that comes between us.”

  “Me, too.”

  “But there’s no way around it, is there?”

  “I can’t think of one.”

  “I love you, Beth.”

  She squeezed him tight. “I love you, too. Thank you for this weekend. For the memories. For making me feel again. For loving me.”

  “Always, Beth. Always.” Three words. That was all he was capable of because tears were threatening to choke him.

  Dammit. Life had been just fine when he’d thought he’d had everything he wanted. Now that he knew he didn’t—and that he couldn’t—he was going to have to adjust. Make some changes. Find something to fill the void. Not someone because no one could take Beth’s place in his heart. He just hoped that someday there’d be room in it for someone else. And five different kids . . .

  “Mommy? Where are you?” Maggie hopped down the front stairs. The stairs he and Beth had . . .

  He pulled away from Beth. It’d be okay for Maggie to see them like that if they were going to move forward as a couple, but since they weren’t . . .

  “I can’t sleep.” Maggie appeared in the doorway in her nightgown, her curls all fuzzy around her head, and her thumb half in her mouth. “Bryan!” The thumb came out. “You’re still here!”

  “Hi, Mags.” He held open his arms. One last hug. That’s all he wanted from her.

  She flew into his arms and clung to him fiercely. “I thought you left.”

  One hug wasn’t going to cut it. Bryan cleared his throat. “No, sweetheart. I’m still here.”

  “What are we going to do tomorrow?”

  He looked at Beth over Maggie’s head. Help me out here, he mouthed because he honestly didn’t have a clue what to say to the little girl.

  Beth took her daughter from his arms and, honestly, it felt as if she ripped his heart right along with it.

  How the hell was he supposed to walk away?

  “Bryan has other plans tomorrow.” Beth settled Maggie on her lap.

  Maggie’s head whipped around fast. “You do? What?”

  “Um, well, I’m going to help my brother find something in the house where he’s working.”

  “Find what?”

  “I’m not quite sure. We have to follow a bunch of clues.”

  “Like a scavenger hunt?”

  “Um, yeah. Something like that.” At least that’s what Sean had said it was. Among a good three dozen curse words he’d thrown in for good measure. He and Liam had volunteered to help if only to stop their ears from burning. Sean had gotten pretty inventive with the curses.

  “I’m really good at scavenger hunts. So are Mark and Tommy.” Her big brown eyes—so like her mother’s—blinked at him in such innocence. Too bad he’d seen her in action and knew exactly what she was up to.<
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  The thing was he didn’t mind that she was trying to play him. He wanted to take her and the boys along. He liked being with them. And, hell, the more eyes the merrier at the mansion if what Sean had said was true. They were going to need all the help they could get.

  “Sweetheart, Bryan has to work quickly so he can get back to his movie. He can’t be watching you and the boys.”

  “But Mommy,” Maggie huffed with all the self-righteousness a five-year-old could muster, “that’s why we hafta go. We can help and Bryan can go back to his movie really quick.” She looked at Bryan and put her hand on his knee. “Please can we come with you, Bryan? We’re good helpers. Just like with the clothesline. We can help you.”

  How was he supposed to say no to that? He couldn’t. “I’m okay with it if your mom is, Maggie.”

  Probably not fair to turn it back onto Beth, but he just couldn’t tell Maggie no. He just couldn’t.

  The look Beth sent him over Maggie’s head said she couldn’t either and had been hoping he would’ve.

  “Okay, Maggie. Fine.” Beth exhaled. “You three can go. But only for a little while. The Martinson mansion is a very big place and I don’t want you running around unsupervised.”

  “What’s unsuperwized?” Maggie’s thumb went back in her mouth as if she’d gotten what she’d come to do and anything else was just marking time until she got back to her room.

  “It means without someone watching out for you.”

  “But Bryan always watches out for us. Don’t you, Bryan?”

  Seriously, the little girl was better than a surgeon when it came to eviscerating him.

  “That’s right, Maggie. I’m always watching out for you guys.”

  “See, Mommy? Bryan’s gonna take care of us. You don’t have to worry.”

  Out of the mouths of babes . . .

  Chapter Thirty-eight

  BETH worried the entire next day. She worried she’d break out into tears, or that she’d tell Jason and Kelsey all about Bryan’s proposal, or worse, she’d tell Kara all about Bryan’s proposal and then it’d be all over the neighborhood in no time and once that happened, the media wouldn’t be far behind.

  So she kept her mouth shut, the tears at bay—barely—and went about her normal day as if her heart weren’t breaking because a great man would soon be flying out of her life. Again.

  He saved her the heartache of saying good-bye. She wouldn’t have been able to fake her way through that, so she was thankful that he’d let the younger three off in the driveway from their scavenger hunt day, waved briefly, and backed out as if he’d be back tomorrow.

  They’d both known better.

  So here it was, Day One of The Rest Of Her Life Without Bryan, and Kara just couldn’t let the man go in peace.

  “I honestly can’t believe he just left. I thought for sure there was something happening between you two.”

  Beth made a pretense of sniffing the perfume at the department store counter. She had zero interest in shopping today, but there was a petting zoo at the mall and the younger three had been begging to go. She was paying Jason and Kelsey to watch them, so she could have some peace and quiet she’d thought. But then she’d run into Kara and once she’d realized Beth didn’t have the kids with her, well, that was permission to open the floodgates with questions about Bryan.

  “He has a career, Kara. I told you that. You can’t commute to Hollywood from here.”

  “Bull. Movie stars do it all the time. They buy private planes and fly in for a day of filming. He could do it if he wanted.”

  The thing was, he would do it if Beth had said yes. She knew that as surely as she knew Kara would blab to everyone if she told her about the proposal. So she said nothing on both counts and tried to let the matter rest, because, really, she needed it to. She’d been second-guessing her answer for the past forty-some hours and she wasn’t any closer to a resolution than she’d been when she’d answered him.

  “And you guys could go on location with him. I mean, it is summer. The kids don’t have school or jobs and you’re a teacher, so you’re free . . . I just didn’t think he was that fickle. I thought he had some substance to him. That he wasn’t all Hollywood. God, you don’t think he was laughing at us, do you? Using us for research for his next role?”

  “Bryan’s not like that. He liked everyone.” Loved a few of them, actually. “But it’s his career. Can’t argue with success.”

  Kara shrugged. “I just don’t get it. I mean, you’re hot, the kids are great, and it’s not as if you’re after his money. Mike left you guys in good shape.”

  If one could call being widowed and fatherless good shape.

  Beth bit back the sarcasm. Kara meant well. All her friends did, but they all figured that two years was long enough and time to move on. And while Beth was ready to move on—her time with Bryan proving that—she wasn’t just going to forget Mike. She wasn’t going to say, “oh well, onward and upward.” She’d loved him and she would always miss him. He was her friend and her husband and her lover and the father of her children. She ached that he’d never see them grow up, never know their grandchildren. That her kids would never know Mike as a man when they became adults. Death sucked and there wasn’t a damn thing Beth could do about it.

  But you could do something about Bryan . . .

  “So do you think you might be ready to date someone else?”

  “Someone else? I wasn’t dating Bryan, Kar.”

  “I know, but I mean, you know. You kind of got back in the saddle again, as it were, if only looking. And he was nice to look at, you have to admit.”

  “Yes, he is.” He’d been great in the saddle, too, but she wasn’t going to admit that.

  “So if another good-looking guy came along, you wouldn’t be opposed to going out with him.”

  “Kara, you’ve already set me up on a few blind dates. They haven’t worked out so well. That last one didn’t, either. Why don’t we just leave it to fate and see what happens?”

  “That’s all fine and good, but I don’t see you making plans to go barhopping with fate any time soon.”

  Barhopping. Beth shuddered. She was not going barhopping with anyone. “I don’t want to date that badly, thankyouverymuch.”

  “Well where else are you going to meet someone?”

  “Why do I have to? I’m doing just fine as I am.”

  “Bull. You’ve been alone too long and I saw how you looked at Bryan. You’re coming out of your shell, Beth. You need to strike while the iron is hot before you get too comfortable inside it.”

  Beth gave up trying to hide her shudders. She was so not ready to do the singles’ scene. Doubted she ever would be.

  Luckily, there was a commotion outside the store as a bunch of security guards went running by, shouting, batons waving, and Beth didn’t have to respond to Kara. Then a mall-wide alarm went off and Beth wasn’t so thankful anymore. Her kids were out there.

  She ran out of the store and hung a right for the petting zoo—which was the direction the guards were running.

  It was also where the guards were stopped. And where they had a guy facedown on the floor, arms behind his back, a couple of knees holding him in place and two of them talking to . . . her kids.

  Oh God.

  Beth pushed her way through the crowd of people gathered around. “Jason! Kelsey! Tommy! Mark! Maggie!” They were all there, looking solemn while they answered the guards’ questions.

  “Hello. I’m the children’s mother. What happened?” She had to touch each one, herding them around her like a mother duck pulling them under her wings and she didn’t care. She had to make sure her babies were safe.

  “Your kids did a great thing, ma’am,” said one of the guards. Hinkle it said on his name plate. “They saw this guy with a hammer—”

  “He was gonna smash the jewelry case, Mommy!” Maggie hopped up and down. “Tommy saw it and told Jason and Kelsey. Kelsey ran to the formation boof, and Jason stuck his foot out s
o the guy tripped. He’s a hero!”

  “I saw it, too!” said Mark, unhappy at not playing a part in Maggie’s narration.

  “Did not!” said Tommy. Of course.

  “Yuh-huh. That’s why I poked you so you could see it, too.”

  “Did not!”

  “Did too!”

  “Boys, that’s not important right now,” said the guard, herding them away from the guy on the floor. “We need you to stand back so we can get him to his feet.”

  Yes, it was important and their faces fell when the guard dismissed them so out of hand. Right now, it was the most important thing in their world and for him to push it aside like that . . . Bryan wouldn’t have done that.

  Bryan. God, she couldn’t stop thinking about him.

  “Ma’am,” said another guard, “if you and the kids could step over to the teddy bear shop, we’d like to ask you a few questions.”

  “But Mommy doesn’t know anything. She didn’t see. Me and Tommy saw.”

  “And Jason,” piped in Maggie. “Don’t forget Jason. He’s the real hero.”

  Beth shuffled the kids to the store, running her hands over everyone’s shoulders. “Jason, are you okay?” She wanted to yell at him that he could’ve been hurt and he should have stayed out of the way and let someone else handle it—the same words she’d said to Mike the morning he’d picked up that damn flight at the last minute—but she didn’t because of the look of pride on his face. Jason was actually smiling at people and feeling really good about himself and Beth wasn’t going to ruin that for him for a second. Still, dear God . . . he could have been hurt.

  “Yeah, Mom, I’m fine. Guy shoulda looked where he was going.”

  “He was,” said Tommy. “He was looking at the watches.”

  “Nuh-uh. It was the diamond rings. Those are easier to carry and they cost a lot more.”