Bella bit her lip as she weighed up her choices, even though by rights she knew that she should tell him to take her home. She didn’t want to talk to him, especially not tonight when she felt so raw, so emotional, so very vulnerable.
‘Come on, Bella. Just choose where you want to go and I’ll take you there.’ His tone was so gentle, so persuasive, and Bella wanted to be persuaded so much...
‘Yours.’
Mac nodded as he closed the door. Walking round to the driver’s side, he got in and backed out of the parking space. He didn’t say a word as he drove out of the hospital gates. Bella had no idea where he lived and quite frankly didn’t care. Wherever it was, it had to be better than the soulless apartment she was renting. They drove for about fifteen minutes, the roads becoming increasingly narrow as they headed away from the town centre. Bella had done very little exploring since she had moved to Dalverston and had no idea where they were going until she saw the pale glint of water in the distance and realised they were heading towards the river. Mac slowed and turned down a narrow lane, drawing up on the grass verge.
‘We have to walk from here,’ he told her. ‘It’s not far, just five minutes or so, but we can’t take the car any further.’
Bella nodded as she unfastened her seat belt. She slid to the ground, breathing in the musky scent of damp vegetation. She could hear the river now, the softly sibilant whisper of the water providing a backdrop to the sound of the birds performing their evening chorus. It was so peaceful that she sighed.
‘It’s wonderful not to hear any traffic.’
‘One of the big advantages of living out in the sticks,’ Mac replied with a smile that made her breath catch.
He turned and led the way along the path, leaving her to follow, which she did once she had got her breath back. It was the way he had smiled at her that had done the damage—smiled at her the way Mac had used to do. Did it mean that he had forgiven her for her apparent misdemeanours? She doubted it, yet all of a sudden she felt better than she had done in ages. The world didn’t seem quite so grim now that Mac had smiled at her. How crazy was that?
* * *
Mac paused when they reached the riverbank. It was almost nine p.m. and the light was fading fast. In another month, there would still be enough daylight to light their way along the towpath but he was afraid that Bella would trip up in the dark. Holding out his hand, he smiled at her, determined to keep a rein on his emotions this time. He was offering to hold her hand for safety’s sake and not for his own nefarious reasons!
‘You’d better hold on to me. The path’s a bit slippery after all the rain we’ve had recently. I don’t want you ending up taking a dip.’
There was a moment when he sensed her hesitate before she slipped her hand into his. Mac sucked in his breath when he felt his libido immediately stir to life. OK, so, admittedly, he hadn’t made love to a woman in a very long time, but that had been his choice, hadn’t it? He had grown tired of dating for dating’s sake, had become weary of sex that hadn’t really meant anything. It had seemed better to step out of the game rather than continue the way he had been doing. However, it was completely out of order for him to start lusting after Bella. She’d been through enough without him making her life even more complicated.
Mac gave himself a stern talking-to as he led her along the towpath and, thankfully, it seemed to work. There were several boats tied up along the riverbank and he guided her around their mooring lines. They came to the last boat in the row and he stopped, suddenly feeling on edge as he wondered what she would make of his home. Although he loved the old boat—loved everything about it, from the tranquillity of its mooring to the fact that it was the first home he had owned—Bella had been brought up to expect so much more. He couldn’t help feeling a little bit...well, nervous about what she would make of it.
‘This is it,’ he announced, wincing when he heard the false note of bonhomie in his voice. It wasn’t like him to put up a front and he hated the fact that he’d felt it necessary. If Bella didn’t like his home—so what? It wouldn’t make a scrap of difference to him... Would it?
‘You live on a boat!’
The surprise in her voice made his teeth snap together as he forced down the urge to start apologising.
‘Yep. I bought it when I moved here. I couldn’t afford a house so I opted for this instead. It’s the perfect base when I’m in the UK. Come on. I’ll show you round.’
He helped her on board and unlocked the cabin door, turning on the oil lamp so that she could see where she was going. ‘The steps are quite steep,’ he warned her. ‘So take your time.’
Bella nodded as she cautiously stepped down into the cabin. Mac followed her, turning on more lamps as he went so that the cabin was suddenly bathed in light. Bella stopped and looked around, her face looking even more beautiful in the lamplight. And Mac’s libido wriggled that little bit further out of its box.
‘It’s beautiful. So warm and welcoming... Oh, I do envy you living here, Mac. It must be marvellous!’
There was no doubt that she was telling him the truth and Mac’s nerves evaporated in a rush of pleasure. He had no idea why it meant so much to hear her praise his home but it did. He laughed out loud.
‘I was worried in case you hated it,’ he confessed as his confidence came surging back. ‘After all, it is rather different from what you’re accustomed to.’
‘And that’s why I love it so much,’ she said simply. ‘You can keep all your architectural gems as far as I’m concerned. I much prefer somewhere like this—a real home.’
She sat down on the old couch that he had spent so many hours reupholstering and smiled up at him. Mac felt himself melt as relief washed over him. Bella liked his home—she genuinely liked it! He wanted to leap up and punch the air in triumph even though he knew how stupid it was.
‘Thank you, although you’d better not be too lavish with the compliments or I’ll get a swelled head,’ he said, trying to joke his way through such a truly amazing moment. ‘Not a good idea in a place as small as this!’
‘Not small—compact. Or maybe that should be bijou if you prefer estate agent speak.’
Her smile was gentle, making him wonder if she had guessed how nervous he’d felt, but how could she? Bella had no idea that he had always felt at a disadvantage around her in the past, thanks to his background. He had gone to great lengths to hide his feelings and had thought that he had succeeded too. Thankfully, he no longer felt that way. The passage of time had given him the confidence to accept himself for who he was, which was why it was all the more surprising that he had been worried about her reaction.
‘Hmm, I’m not sure if most estate agents would class it as that,’ he replied lightly, not wanting her to guess how disturbed he felt. He hadn’t realised that she understood him so well, hadn’t thought that she even cared enough to try. And that thought was the last one he needed when he and his libido were having such a hard time sorting themselves out.
‘Right. I’ll make us some coffee.’
He hurriedly set about filling the kettle. Opening a cupboard, he took out a couple of mugs and placed them on the worktop. There was fresh milk in the tiny fridge and sugar in the jar so he fetched them as well. By the time he had done all that, he was feeling far more in control. Maybe it had come as a surprise to discover that Bella knew him rather better than he had thought she did, but he wasn’t going to allow it to throw him off course. Maybe he did want to hold her, kiss her, do all sorts of things to her he had never even contemplated before, but he wasn’t going to forfeit their friendship for a night of rampant sex. Bella was too important to him; he cared too much about her. And not even what Tim had told him could change that.
It was a moment of revelation, a light-bulb moment that suddenly made everything so much clearer. He may have accepted what Tim had told him. He may even have been hurt and angry about
what Bella had done, but he still cared about her. And he always would.
* * *
‘Thank you.’ Bella accepted the cup of coffee. It was too hot to drink and she set it down on the table in front of the couch.
Everything was scaled down to fit, yet, surprisingly, it didn’t feel cramped. She found herself comparing it to the vast amount of space in her rented apartment and realised that she much preferred it here. In fact, she had never felt so at ease in any of her previous homes, not even the house she and Tim had started their married life in.
Tim’s parents had insisted on buying the elegant Georgian town house for them as a wedding present and her parents, not to be outdone, had insisted on furnishing it. However, the designer-styled rooms with their expensive furniture and luxurious fabrics couldn’t hold a candle to this place, she decided. The house had been more an expression of wealth than a real home and it was a relief not to have to live there any longer.
The thought immediately made her feel guilty. It reminded her of how relieved she’d been when she had finally plucked up the courage to leave. It had taken her months of soul-searching before she had reached her decision and it still hurt to know that she had broken her marriage vows, even though she’d had no choice. Tim’s behaviour had become increasingly erratic by that point; he had become a danger to his patients as well as to himself. Leaving him had been the only thing she could think of to shock him into seeking help and it had worked too. But did Mac understand that? Did he understand just how hard it had been for her to break her vows? All of a sudden Bella knew that she needed to find out.
‘It wasn’t an easy decision to leave Tim,’ she said quietly. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Mac stiffen and experienced a momentary qualm. She had sworn that she wouldn’t try to justify her actions, but she needed to make Mac understand how impossible the situation had been. ‘I agonised over it for months but in the end I realised that I didn’t have a choice. It was the only thing I could think of that might bring him to his senses.’
‘Wouldn’t it have been better if you’d stayed and encouraged him to get help?’ Mac suggested and she flinched when she heard the cynicism in his voice.
‘I tried that, but Tim refused to listen to anything I said. He insisted that he didn’t have a problem and that I was making a fuss about nothing.’ She shrugged, recalling the vicious arguments they’d had. The drugs had changed Tim from the man she had married into someone she had barely recognised. ‘He couldn’t see that he was addicted to the painkillers and needed help.’
‘So you upped and left him?’
Mac regarded her from beneath lowered lids. It was hard to tell what he was thinking, although she could guess. Mac believed that she should have stayed with Tim no matter what, but he hadn’t been there, had he? He hadn’t witnessed the rows, the lies, the empty, meaningless promises to stop taking the drugs.
‘Yes. I hoped that it would shock him into admitting that he had a problem and it worked too. He went into rehab a couple of weeks later.’
‘I see. So why didn’t you go back once he was clean?’ Mac’s brows rose. ‘Tim told me that he begged you to go back to him but you refused. If you loved him then surely that would have been the right thing to do?’
‘It wasn’t that simple,’ Bella said quietly. She stared down at her hands, wondering if she should tell him about Tim’s affair. Would she have gone back if she hadn’t found out about it or had it been the excuse she had needed? Her feelings for Tim had reached rock-bottom by then; the thought of trying to make their marriage work had filled her with dread. The truth of the matter was that she had no longer loved him, always assuming that she had loved him in the first place, which she now doubted.
‘No? It seems pretty straightforward to me.’ Mac’s tone was harsh. ‘What about all those promises you made when you got married? Were they just so many empty words at the end of the day?’
‘Of course not!’ Bella said angrily, hating the fact he seemed determined to blame her for everything. ‘I meant every word I said, but it needs two people to uphold a promise, although Tim obviously didn’t see it that way.’
‘What do you mean?’ Mac shot back. ‘It was you who left him.’
‘Forget it. It doesn’t matter.’
Bella picked up her coffee mug, feeling infinitely weary. No matter what she said, Mac would continue to blame her. Even if she told him about Tim’s affair, there was no way of knowing if he would believe her. The thought that he might think she was lying about that to save face was more than she could bear. It would be better to say nothing than take that risk.
They finished their coffee in silence. Bella put her mug on the table and rose to her feet. It was gone ten p.m. and time she went home, even though the prospect of going back to the apartment wasn’t appealing. ‘I’d better go. Thank you for the coffee and everything.’
‘Do you know how to get back?’ Mac asked gruffly.
‘I’ll use the satnav.’ She bent and picked up her bag, swaying a little as exhaustion suddenly caught up with her. It had been a long day and add to that the ongoing guilt she felt about the divorce and it was little wonder that she felt so drained.
‘Sit down.’ Mac eased her back down onto the couch. Taking the bag off her, he placed it on the table then crouched down in front of her. ‘There’s no way that you can drive yourself home in this state. You’ll have to stay here tonight.’
‘Oh, but I couldn’t possibly,’ Bella began but he ignored her. Standing up, he crossed the cabin and opened a door at the far end to reveal a tiny bedroom complete with double bed.
‘You can sleep in here,’ he informed her brusquely. Picking up one of the oil lamps, he placed it on the shelf next to the bed, turning down the wick so that the room was bathed in a soft golden glow. ‘The sheets are clean and you should be comfortable enough. Bathroom’s through there,’ he continued, pointing to a door leading off from the bedroom. ‘It’s only basic but there’s everything you’ll need.’
‘But where are you going to sleep?’ Bella protested, more tempted than she cared to admit. Maybe it was foolish but the thought of staying on the boat was the most wonderful thing she could think of. She felt safe here—safe, secure, protected: all the things she hadn’t felt in ages.
‘The couch pulls out into a bed so don’t worry about me,’ Mac told her. Opening a cupboard, he took out a T-shirt and tossed it onto the bed. ‘You can use this to sleep in. I haven’t anything else, I’m afraid.’
‘It’s fine. Thank you,’ Bella said softly.
She sank down onto the bed after Mac left, feeling the last vestige of strength drain from her limbs. Picking up the T-shirt, she held it to her cheek, savouring the softness of the cotton against her skin. Tears filled her eyes again and she blinked them away but more kept on coming, pouring down her face in a scalding-hot tide. She hadn’t cried before, not even when Tim had said all those awful things to her after she had told him that she wanted a divorce. Now Mac’s kindness had unleashed all the feelings she had held in check and they came spilling out, all the hurt and the pain, the guilt and the relief, every single thing, including how she felt about Mac himself.
Bella took a deep breath. She didn’t want to think about Mac and how confused he made her feel. It had always been the same and yet she couldn’t understand why he made her feel so mixed up. Normally she had no difficulty making up her mind. Every decision she had ever made had been carefully considered, rationalised, even when she had agreed to marry Tim.
Marrying Tim had seemed like the right thing to do. He had come from a similar background to hers, had held the same values as well as the same expectations. To her mind, their marriage was bound to be a success; however, with the benefit of hindsight, she could see that it hadn’t been enough. It had needed more than the fact that they had been compatible on paper—her feelings for Tim had needed to b
e much stronger, especially after he had become addicted to those drugs. She had failed Tim because she hadn’t cared enough, because she wasn’t sure if she was capable of feeling that deeply about anyone.
Lying down on the bed, Bella clutched the T-shirt to her as sorrow overwhelmed her. She had spent so many years ignoring her emotions that she had lost touch with them. No wonder she couldn’t understand how she felt about Mac.
CHAPTER FOUR
THE GENTLE MOTION of the boat woke Mac from a restless sleep. It had been the early hours of the morning before he had finally dozed off, his mind too busy to allow him to rest. Last night had been unsettling for so many reasons, the main one being that Bella had slept right here on the boat. Several times he had heard her crying and he’d had a devil of a job to stop himself going to her. However, the thought of what might happen if he did had helped him control the urge. It would have been far too easy to allow the need to comfort her to turn into something more.
His body responded with predictable enthusiasm to that thought and he groaned. He had to stop this! Maybe it was time he thought about breaking his self-imposed vow of celibacy. So what if sex had become merely a physical release, like an itch that needed scratching? Surely it would be better to deal with the itch than allow it to turn into a major problem.
Rolling out of bed, he filled the kettle and set it to boil then opened the hatch to let some fresh air into the cabin. It had been raining through the night and he grimaced as raindrops splashed onto his head and shoulders. Picking up a tea towel, he dried his face then looked round when he heard the bedroom door open, his heart lurching when he saw Bella standing in the doorway. She was wearing the T-shirt he had lent her and although it came midway down her thighs there was still an awful lot of her shapely legs on view. His gaze ran over her, greedily drinking in every detail. Although his T-shirt was huge on her, somehow the washed thin cotton managed to cling to her body, outlining the curve of her hips, the hand-span narrowness of her waist, the swell of her breasts...
Best Friend to Perfect Bride (Contemporary Medical Romance) Page 4