Dream Gone Wild

by Lucia Ashta

  And though I’d spoken as a trigger reaction, and felt like the biggest hypocrite in history, I refused to back down. I needed to get Jace alone. I needed to talk to him.

  I needed him.

  But I wouldn’t have him, I reminded myself. This was about seeking forgiveness and salvaging whatever I could from the beautiful relationship we’d had. This was only about preserving the memory of the love we’d shared. I couldn’t stand the thought of him hating me. Others could hate me all they wanted, but not him.

  “I’m only here to make amends for what I did to us. Nothing more, I promise.” Even then, I feared I was lying.

  “Follow me,” he said abruptly before telling Judy, “Hold my calls. I want privacy.” Then he stalked past me to another door and yanked it open. He started stomping up the stairs while I hurried after him. All the way up, I didn’t even try not to look. His ass was just as amazing as it used to be.

  I was going to apologize and pray he’d forgive me. And then force myself to forget all I’d given up, and all I could have had, but never would.

  Chapter Fifteen

  ~ Jace ~

  My living room had never felt so tiny and cramped. The air lodged in my lungs, making my breathing shallow, and my heart beat too quickly. I got lightheaded like I was some waif about to have a fainting spell instead of a man who was two hundred pounds of muscle.

  But Rae was here. After all this time, Rae was here.

  The moment she closed the door behind her, I couldn’t help but notice how alone we were. In my apartment. When we’d been teenagers, we would’ve been rushing to the bedroom, lost to a tangle of tongues and limbs, racing each other there. We would’ve been naked in ten seconds flat. I wouldn’t have wasted a moment before sliding inside her and she would have fucking loved it.

  So much had changed since then. I didn’t think of the bedroom—okay, I was fucking lying. I did think of the bedroom and my king-sized bed and all the things I would have loved to do to her and have her do to me. Except now thoughts of the bedroom surfaced only to torture me. I’d never been one for denying myself what I wanted. Hell, we only lived once.

  But Rae was one hundred percent off limits. Not because of her—though she was recovering from a serious injury and I might not have gone there anyway for that reason—but because of me. Since I’d last seen her, I’d struggled to learn to respect myself again after the girl I’d loved didn’t see anything in me to respect or cherish. She’d tossed me away like garbage.

  With a start, I noticed I was staring at her while considering all the reasons I shouldn’t be.

  And she was staring back with wild eyes that seemed to be trying to speak to me, but I couldn’t tell what they were saying.

  Her cheeks were flushed, though not enough to conceal the fact that she was pale beneath the blush. She was a bit too thin, her shoulders curved slightly inward. When she seemed to notice me considering her hair, she tucked the long strands on one side behind an ear and cast her gaze downward, like she was embarrassed.

  “I, uh,” she started, toeing at the floor with the same black leather shit-kicker boots she’d worn in high school. She also wore the t-shirt I’d given her, the one she used to love the most. What the hell was that about? Was she here to rub that shit in my face? Why else would she wear the shirt I’d gifted her?

  A deep grumble vibrated through my chest and I could suddenly breathe again. Anger replaced my panic. “I uh isn’t going to cut it. I’ve got stuff to do and no time to waste on the past. Whatever you want, spit it out so I can get on with what I have to do.”

  She looked up at me, her eyes wide with surprise … and maybe hurt … before nodding rapidly and then wincing.

  “Are you okay?” I asked before I could stop myself. Immediately, I regretted the question. I don’t care what happens to her!

  The shock dropped from her eyes and something more disturbing replaced it. I didn’t dare examine it. I needed to get this girl out of my place, stat.

  “I’m okay,” she said slowly. “Thanks.” She tucked her hair behind her ear again before huffing and dropping her hands to tuck her thumbs into the front pockets of her jeans. I’d seen her hook her hands in her jeans like that a thousand times. I knew everything about her. She didn’t look that different from the last time I’d seen her except for looking worn down. Everything else was much the same. I battled my instincts, the ones still some-fucking-how used to her. Even her scent was the exact same. How could it have not changed over all these years?

  She kicked at the floor again, inhaled, and offered me a tentative smile. I didn’t smile back, not even a little. I didn’t dare to.

  Her smile trembled and dropped. Fuuuuuck. Now I wanted to comfort her. I was out of my damn mind!

  “What is it, Rae?” I heard the harsh tone of my voice and was glad.

  “Look, Jace, I know this is awkward, and I’m sorry, shit, I’m so fucking sorry, you have no idea.”

  I didn’t say a word, waiting for this to be over so I could get on with my life. Maybe this was the closure I needed and I’d finally be free of her.

  “I don’t know if anyone told you what happened to me.”

  “I heard.”

  “Well, I don’t remember anything from the last twelve years of my life.”

  If she was waiting for sympathy, she’d be waiting a long damn time.

  She sighed, her shoulders drooping. “Can we sit?”

  “I don’t know, can we?” I was being a dick. Good.

  She gave me a give-me-a-break look, and I lamented that I could still read her expressions like I was a dictionary of her.

  Grimacing, I walked over to my favorite armchair with heavy, thudding steps that Judy would be able to hear downstairs, no doubt. She was probably down there trying to guess what we were saying. I sat and slid to the back of the chair.

  With another sigh, she walked around the low coffee table and sat on the couch closest to me. She stared at me for what seemed like endless moments, then crossed her fingers in front of her and looked at them as she talked.

  “I woke up from a coma and didn’t remember anything after high school. In my mind, we’re still in high school and we’re still together.” Her mouth twisted. “Were still together. I get that we aren’t anymore, and I get why. Well, that’s not true. I honestly don’t get why. I love you. I mean, loved you, I guess.” She slumped back into the couch, tilted her head back, and shut her eyes. “Hell, this sucks.”

  I waited, swallowing thickly, debating whether it was smarter to hear her out or kick her out before she could say anything to soften me toward her.

  Right when I decided I could live without the apology, but I couldn’t live with more images of her like this, wounded and weak, she continued, and I froze, my bloody body betraying me, keeping me rooted so I could hear everything she had to offer me.

  “I have no idea why I’d ever break up with you. I was so in love with you, why I would do it … I can’t figure out. From what Sam tells me, I turned into some kind of raging, anal-retentive bitch.” Her voice cracked. “That just seems so unlike me, I can’t figure out how that would happen. From everything I’ve seen, I don’t even like anything about who I became. And yet I’m stuck with everything she did. Every single bad fucking decision is mine to own up to, and this other version of me feels like a total stranger. Like I’m paying for the mistakes of someone I wouldn’t even want to hang out with. It’s messed up.”

  “So this is all about you.” Once more, I heard the tightness of my voice and celebrated it. “After all this time you just wanted to see me to talk about you.”

  She sat up at that and winced again, bringing a hand to the side of her head. “No, this isn’t about me. I came to apologize, and I’m doing a shitty job of it apparently.” She held my eyes and my instincts were to lose myself to that rich whiskey color. Damn traitorous instincts; they were supposed to protect me!

  “This isn’t about me beyond my regret over what I did,” she said. �
�This is about us … but mostly, it’s about you. I’m devastated by the thought that I hurt the one person in this world I love like crazy.”

  Love. Present tense. Not past.

  “I have no memory of wanting a life without you, and right now it seems like the last thing I’d ever want.” Her eyes glittered with unshed tears and I steeled myself. I was itching with the desire to pull her into my arms to comfort her.

  “The person I turned into sounds like a gigantic dick. I’m so sorry that I … that that version of myself … hurt you. I mean, to break up with you over the phone? Who does that? An asshole, that’s who. Sam told me all about what I did.”

  Her gaze returned to her hands. “Jace, I’m just so damn sorry. I’m sorry for hurting you. I’m sorry for breaking us. I’m sorry about everything. If you’d broken up with me, it would’ve ripped me in half, that’s how much I loved you.”

  And now she was back to the past tense. Where our love belonged. Good. Great.

  “That I’m the one responsible just kills me. When I woke up from the coma, I expected to find you there, coming to see me in the hospital. Instead I got some prick named Todd who gives me the creeps.” She shuddered. “To think I replaced you with him. The only reason I can come up with is that I lost my damn mind. And a lawyer! I became a hoity-toity attorney who didn’t have time for anything but her career.”

  Her eyes sought out mine again before angling back down. She whispered, “I became a stranger to myself. A very stupid, very fucking annoying stranger who screwed up my entire life.”

  Silence stretched between us until I asked, “Is that it?”

  She snapped her gaze to mine in time for me to witness her hope dying. But what could she have possibly hoped for?

  Her mouth, the one that still haunted my dreams when I couldn’t prevent it, turned downward into a sad smile. “Yeah, that’s it. I just wanted you to know how incredibly sorry I am. You meant—mean—so much to me. I wish I could take it all back and replace the last dozen years with you. I want to kick myself in the boobs every day.”

  At the mention of her boobs, my gaze traveled involuntarily to her chest. She had a great rack. Always had. I licked my lips at the memory of pulling her nipples into my mouth. She loved that.

  My dick started to harden and I shifted my gaze back up, alarmed. She was already staring at me like she could see through me and read what was going on inside.

  Couldn’t have that.

  I stood. “Well, if that’s it, I’ve got to get back to work.”

  She nodded, eyes glistening, so I turned my back to her, walked toward the door and pulled it open.

  From behind me she said, “It’s so great to see you, even if … even if it’s the last time. Your shop’s awesome. I’m so proud of you. It’s amazing that you’re doing bikes. You always did love them. Do love them.”

  I didn’t turn around.

  “Shit! This is confusing as hell. My body wants to touch you. My mind thinks you’re mine. But nothing could be farther from the truth. And I have no one to blame but myself. Maybe I deserve an asshole who hits me in the head and then lies about it like he’s some freaking hero.”

  Every muscle in my body tightened. Luke had told me this, but to hear her tell me was a different thing. I felt like killing her ex-fiancé. If he’d been here, I just might have.

  I spun on her. “You don’t deserve that. No one should ever lay a hand on you.”

  She looked at me for a few beats before offering me a timid smile. My Rae was never timid.

  My Rae.

  I had to get her the hell out of my place. What had I been thinking bringing her up here?

  “Thanks for that,” she said. “The only thing I know for certain is that you don’t deserve what I did to you. You’ll never understand how sorry I am.”

  But she was wrong there. I fully understood. I was sorrier than she was.

  She started to walk through the door but stopped right next to me. Her scent—jasmine and the ocean, like a flowery day at the beach—enveloped me and I sucked in a deep whiff of it before I realized what I was doing.

  “Thank you for hearing me out. I realize you didn’t have to. You don’t owe me anything. I’ve been tormenting myself with what I did to you. To us. So thanks. And, uh, I hope I didn’t mess things up for you too much. I just want you to be happy.”

  She trailed through the door, her final words following behind her: “Even if that can’t be with me anymore.”

  I listened to her open and close the door at the bottom of the stairs. My mind was a freaking mess and my heart was a twisted, bloody pulp. I waited for the sensations to pass, for the constriction to release from my chest. When too much time had passed and it didn’t, I stomped down the stairs myself. The moment I exited the stairwell, Judy jumped to her feet.

  “Well? What happened?”

  “Nothing happened.”

  “She didn’t apologize?”

  “She did. But that doesn’t change a thing. Set me up on those dates. I’m ready.”

  Judy grinned. “You got it, boss.”

  When I settled back in front of the Indian I’d been working on before Rae’s arrival, I immersed myself in the work with a desperate fervor. I had to get her out of my mind.

  I already knew how impossible that would be.

  Chapter Sixteen

  ~ Rae ~

  When Sam showed up at our parents’ house for her daily visit a week later, I was pacing the front porch waiting for her. It was early fall; the evenings remained warm enough, though I did wear a light jacket against the slight chill. I couldn’t stand to be inside anymore.

  Now that I’d officially quit my job at the law firm and I was feeling better, I couldn’t stand another minute of doing nothing or having Mom encourage me to take it easy. If she told me to rest one more time, I was going to blow my lid.

  “What’s crawled under your skin?” Sam asked as she made her way up the sidewalk to the house; I met her halfway.

  “I’m going nuts stuck in this house. I can’t take it anymore.”

  “Okay,” she said, but continued to make her way up the walkway.

  I reached for her arm. “No, you don’t understand. I’m not exaggerating here or trying to be dramatic. I’ve got to get the hell out of here before I lose my mind entirely. If I have to lie in bed another hour, you’re going to have to ship me off to a psych ward.”

  Sam arched a single eyebrow. She’d always been able to do that. No matter how much I tried, I’d never been able to imitate her.

  “What are you suggesting?” she asked.

  “Were you serious about the job offer?”

  “You’re interested? Like, for real?”

  “For real.” I nodded a bit too vigorously and a dull pang of pain erupted in my head, behind the scars. The pain was diminishing daily, but the reminder of how close I’d come to dying, or living with severe brain damage, remained. “What would I have to do?”

  Sam grinned. “You’re going to love it. I love it. The job’s awesome. How about I take you out for drinks and we can talk all about it?”

  I grinned back. “Sure. That sounds awesome. Let me go get my fake.” My brain skipped a beat and caught me up to the present, making my insides squirm. It was so far from normal to forget how old you really were or what time you were really living in that I had no way to quantify how screwed up my life had become.

  Sam must have noticed the way sudden unease bubbled inside me. Her smile grew bigger, but this time, it was forced. “No need for fake IDs anymore. Probably no need for an ID at all. I’m pretty sure everyone at Nick’s knows how old you are and what happened to you.”

  “I’ll bet.” Despair threatened to weigh me down. I actually physically shook to rid myself of the feeling. I couldn’t let it grab hold of me. Since seeing Jace, my thoughts had been racing to keep one step ahead of it.

  Sam chuckled darkly. “You’re a local celebrity. Rae Cantrell, the girl who lost her mind.”

&n
bsp; My bottom lip trembled.

  Sam patted me on the shoulder. “I’m just kidding. Don’t be so serious. You remind me of attorney-you, except that you would never cry over this.”

  I pulled away from her, ambling to the edge of the street. I didn’t know where to go or what to do. My head was a tangled clusterfuck I had no idea how to begin to untangle.

  My sister gave me a moment before she followed. “Sorry,” she said, sounding like she really meant it. “You know me, I don’t always stop to think before I speak.”

  When I didn’t respond, she added, “I’m just really ready to see the real you come back, that’s all.”

  Sniffling, I studied the street without really seeing it. “I’m beyond ready. But every time I think I might have a grasp on her, I lose her again. I’m all messed up inside, Sammy, and I don’t know how to fix myself.”

  Wrapping an arm around my shoulders, she steered me toward her car. “Come on. Let’s grab a burger and fries and a few drinks. You’ll feel a thousand times better.”

  “What about Mom? You aren’t going to go inside to say hi? You know you’ll never hear the end of it if you don’t.”

  “Mom’ll understand. You come first.”

  “But it shouldn’t be that way. I put myself first for too long.”

  She tucked me into the passenger seat of her Jeep like I was made of glass. I wanted to protest, but what was the point? She was right. One more misstep and I might shatter. I was sick of myself lately.

  “Don’t worry,” Sam said. “I promise I’ll give you plenty of opportunity to make it up to me. You’ll owe me for the rest of our lives. It’s going to be great. I’m going to milk it for all it’s worth.”

  A laugh burst out of me. “Hey, hey. Don’t go taking advantage of your poor, invalid sister over here.”

  “I wouldn’t dream of it,” she said as she pulled away from the curb. “I am, however, dreaming of making you wild again. And that’s a dream I guarantee the two of us will find a way to make true.”