“He’ll love it,” Riley remarked. “He’s too smart not to.”
Lexie smiled and turned her body to his, tucking her legs under her butt. “He’s so excited. He was excited about today. He barely slept last night.” She regarded him for a brief moment. “You really enjoyed today, didn’t you?”
Riley ran a hand through his hair. “It was so good. Just hanging out with him is amazing. I never knew a kid could talk so much.” They both laughed. “He kills me when he holds my hand or hugs me. He trusts me so much. We played in the kiddie pool at Mom’s and I was turning him upside and throwing him around—I was really careful with him—and I remember thinking, I don’t know when I’d last felt so happy.”
Lexie’s blue eyes seemed to shimmer. “I’m glad.”
Riley looked down at his glass. “Actually, that’s a lie.”
“What is?”
He huffed a small laugh. “I do remember when I was that happy.” He looked over at Lexie, noting from her expression that she knew which memory he was referring to: the night of her seventeenth birthday when they made love for the first time under the stars, and began making all of their plans. Riley shifted in his seat, avoiding her stare. “That was so long ago.”
Lexie hummed. “It was.” She played with a piece of her hair, twirling it around her finger. “Still feels like yesterday, though.”
Riley’s gaze drifted over her, trying to see the girl from that night: the girl he’d loved so much he couldn’t even begin to describe it; the girl who was his best friend; the girl he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. She was still there, behind her careful blue eyes, underneath the invisible scars of life that he knew they both bore. He blew out a breath before taking a huge gulp of wine. Jesus, he’d never felt so unstable, so fraught with worrying about what the best thing to do was.
“It’s okay,” Lexie said gently. “Don’t wear yourself out. I have no expectations. I don’t deserve any. Truthfully, I’m just glad you stayed. I like sitting and talking to you.”
Riley had to agree. For all that he missed about being intimate with Lexie, losing himself in her body, he missed their quiet moments even more. They could laugh and play just as much as they could devour one another. It was why they’d worked. The balance had always been perfect. They had been friends first and, sitting with her, Riley was struck with how comfortable he was.
“I have something for you,” she said suddenly, placing her wineglass on the coffee table and standing up. “Wait right there.”
Riley smiled as she left, and rubbed a hand down his face, willing his heart and his brain to slow the fuck down and start cooperating already. He was exhausted with it all.
Lexie appeared a short while later with a large book in her hands. “Here,” she said, her eyes downcast as though she was embarrassed. “I made this for you while you were back in New York.”
Riley placed his glass next to Lexie’s and sat on the edge of the sofa, taking the book from her. It felt heavy in his hands and he cocked an inquisitive eyebrow. “What is it?”
Lexie dropped down at his side. “Open it,” she encouraged, folding her hands together and lifting them to cover her mouth.
Riley opened the front cover to find that it was in fact a photo album. A small piece of paper had been inserted in the first sleeve, upon which Lexie had written Noah, 0–3 months. He turned the page over and was met with at least a dozen photographs, all of Noah, from what looked like the minute he was born. Riley’s mouth dropped open as he looked at his son’s squished face, his hair covered in dried blood, wrapped in a hospital-issue blanket in Lexie’s arms.
“He was five minutes old there,” Lexie said at his side. “And here—” She pointed to a piece of paper. “That’s his foot from the day he was born.”
Riley let his fingertip trace the lines of Noah’s foot. “So small.” His throat tightened as he looked over the pictures and turned the page to find more. In each one, Noah changed, his face rounding, his smiles seemingly coming easier. There were two full pages until Riley reached another piece of paper that read Noah, 4–6 months.
“I’ve done it up to his second birthday. There are so many pictures of him, I couldn’t fit them all into this one.” She shrugged. “The next one is halfway done.”
Riley shook his head, smiling at a picture of Noah on his first birthday, a pointed party hat on his head and a spoon filled with ice cream in his fist. “This is amazing, Lex,” he whispered. He looked at her. “You sure I can have all of these?”
Lexie gave a tiny nod. “I want you to have them. You should have been there. I can never make up for that. This is the least I could do.”
Without even thinking about it, Riley placed the photo album at his side and wrapped his arm around Lexie’s shoulder, pulling her in for a hug. It took her by surprise and she seemed to pause for a moment before she reciprocated. “Thank you,” Riley said, the smell of her hair making his eyes close. “It’s perfect.”
Her arms tightened around him and her nose dipped behind his ear. “Don’t thank me. I don’t deserve it.”
Riley rubbed a hand down her back. “Maybe not, but I appreciate it all the same.” He pulled back a little.
She smiled wryly. “Quit being so nice.”
Riley tucked a piece of hair behind her ear. The softness of it on his fingertips was so familiar it whipped his breath away. Her small hands fisted in his T-shirt and her tongue peeked out to wet her lips. Riley closed his eyes.
“Lex,” he whispered. “We— I can’t . . .”
She moved her hands to the back of his neck, pushing her fingers through his hair. She shushed him. “It’s okay. Riley, stop. I know. We’re okay.”
“I want to be sensible,” he said, the fight in him waning as her hands moved around his neck and her breath blew across his face. “I do. But I’m struggling to convince my body that it doesn’t want you.”
Her eyes sparked. “Riley, I won’t lie; I want you. I always have, but I know we have a lot to work through before we can . . . be more.”
Her words were honest, they were right, sensible even, but Riley’s heart thumped in his chest, beating back every one of them. More? He didn’t even know what that meant. If it meant kissing her right now, tasting her tongue on his, then, yes, he did want more. After that? Who knew?
“I’m so confused,” he admitted quietly, pressing his forehead to hers.
“That’s allowed,” she whispered. “I only want what you’re willing to give me. No more. No less. If that’s just us being friends, that’s fine, too.”
Riley’s gaze met hers. “I don’t know what I’m capable of right now.” He ran his hands down her bare arms and watched gooseflesh appear in their wake. “God, you kill me.”
She wrapped her arms around his neck and held him close. Riley sucked in a breath when he felt her lips on his neck. Fuck, he’d always loved it when she did that. But this time, she was tentative, gentle, as though waiting for him to push her away. He knew he should, he knew that letting her do that was sending her the wrong signals, but, Jesus, she’d paralyzed him. All he could do was close his eyes and breathe and think about how, despite it being years since they’d touched this way, natural it felt to have her so close.
“I have to go,” he managed, his voice husky and full of lust.
“I know,” she mumbled into his skin, before she exhaled and sat back, moving so there was an inch of space between them. Her cheeks were beautifully flushed, but her eyes were guilty. “I shouldn’t have done that. Sorry.”
“It’s okay,” he replied, willing his heart to slow down. His lungs squeezed before he spoke again. “I want to be honest with you.” She blinked in reply. “I’m terrified.”
“Of me?”
“Sort of. But more of this.” He waved a hand between them. “Of what this means, of what it might mean.”
She dipped her chin. “What do you want it to mean?”
Riley lifted his shoulders. “I have no fucking idea.” L
exie moved back from him a little more. “Lex, wanting you was never the issue. I do; I do want you. I don’t think I’ll ever switch that part of myself off. But with Noah here now, I can’t just push my worries to one side and forget.”
“I know,” she uttered, smiling sadly.
Riley reached for her hand and squeezed it. “Let’s take this slowly, okay? See what happens.”
“I’d like that.”
Yeah, Riley would, too. At least half of him would. The other half, the half that was still scarred, still wary, wasn’t so sure, but, hell, what could he do? It was nothing but the honest-to-God truth when he said he was unable to turn off the part that cared for Lexie, that wanted her and, in many respects, still loved her. All he could do was take his time, be honest, and pray that she wouldn’t break his heart all over again.
14
Long Lake on a hot Sunday in July was beautiful. Lexie and Riley wandered along the shore, eating the ice creams they’d bought from Moomers while Noah ran ahead, arms out wide, running in and out of the shallowest parts of the water and splashing like it was the best thing he’d ever done.
“This was a great idea,” Riley said, looking out toward the lake. “It’s been so long since I’ve been here.” The nice thing about Long Lake was that it was mostly for residents, so, although it did get busy, the water was sand-bottomed, clean, and not dirtied by hundreds of tourists.
“I love coming here,” Lexie replied. “When I moved back here I’d bring Noah and I’d sit watching him play.” She watched her feet while she walked. “I’d think about you mostly.” She shook her head and looked up and out toward the water. “I wasted so much time, Riley. I should have called you.”
Riley agreed in the deepest parts of his heart, the most wounded parts, but he couldn’t keep looking back to the past. He and Lexie were both different people now with different priorities, different views on what they had been, and what they wanted to be. Her apologies helped him for sure, and he knew they had to make her feel better, but they’d agreed to move forward.
The rest of the day was one of the best Riley had ever had. They spent some of it on the water, swimming and playing together, and then they ate at the lake restaurant. Noah continued to captivate Riley at every turn, and the fact that the little boy was becoming more tactile and open with him was simply incredible. Lexie could barely get a word in edgewise between father and son, but the soft, wistful look in her eye told Riley she didn’t mind.
“Are you coming backs to our house?” Noah asked, his mouth full of pizza, from his seat opposite Riley.
“If you’d like me to,” Riley offered with a smile.
“Yes,” Noah insisted. “Comes and stay with me and Mommy.”
Riley looked over the table at Lexie. “I can stay for a little while.”
“And has a sleepover? Mommy, can Riley sleeps over?”
Lexie coughed gently into her napkin. Riley smiled at the pink flush that appeared on her cheeks. “Riley needs to go home to his own bed, sweetheart.”
Noah frowned at Riley. “You do?”
“Yeah, buddy. I get scared if I’m not in my own bed.” He sipped his drink. “Maybe another time.”
“Okay.” He whipped his head around to Lexie at his side. “Can I has dessert now, Mommy?” He leaned over and placed a small hand on her cheek. Riley wondered how Lexie could resist the little boy when he looked at her that way. Riley knew he’d give the kid just about anything when he busted out those cute Puss in Boots eyes.
“Hmm,” she mused. “Did you eat all of your—?” Noah quickly lifted his plate to show her that he’d eaten everything save for a couple of fries and the crust from the pizza.
Lexie chuckled. “Then I guess so.”
Noah beamed and clambered up so he was kneeling on his seat and kissed Lexie’s cheek. “I loves you.”
“All the world, baby,” Lexie replied, glancing quickly at Riley before she handed Noah a menu and showed him the pictures of the desserts on offer. Noah quickly decided on apple pie. “Wave to the waitress when she next passes,” Lexie said, moving Noah’s plate out of the way so he had room to finish coloring in the picture of the lake on the paper place mat he’d been given when they’d arrived.
Riley sat back, watching the two of them, seeing their routines and the love they had for one another in every word and action. It made his own heart beat a little faster, as though the love the two of them shared was slowly seeping into him, too. It was hard to be around them and not get lost in fantasies about the three of them being together, permanently, like a real family.
Shit, was that what he wanted? Sitting with Lexie and Noah now, with the sensation of the sun still warm on his skin, he would say absolutely. But this was just one day. How would it work for the rest of their lives? It certainly wasn’t difficult to conjure up old memories of when he’d thought seriously about being with Lexie forever, but they’d lost their potency with all that had happened between them. He had reconciled with the fact that he wouldn’t have to fall back in love with Lexie—that shit had never gone away—but things were so different now.
Riley had thought long and hard about what he wanted with her since the night she’d given him the photo album. As each day passed, she continued to try so damned hard to make up for keeping him and Noah apart, and, if Riley were truly honest, her efforts were working. Riley didn’t want her to spend every day groveling, as much as others thought she deserved to. It tore him up to see her so submissive, despite how angry he had been with her. He simply wanted to get to know his son. Spending time with Lexie was an added bonus.
Deep down, Riley knew she’d started to create dents in the armor he’d kept resolutely around his heart when she was near, while the trust she’d shattered was slowly healing. For every day that they spent together, every time he watched her play with their son, each time Riley saw what an amazing mother she was, like just now, shards of that trust fused back together.
“Are you all right?” Lexie asked, her expression concerned.
Riley blinked back into the room, allowing the blue of her gaze to solder together more of the faith he’d had in her, in them, and smiled. “Sure. Just thinking.”
Her face relaxed. “Good things?”
Riley paused for a beat before he nodded. “Yeah. Good things.”
An hour later, back at Lexie’s place, Riley offered to help Noah get cleaned up in the bath. It was the most fun Riley had had in ages, playing with all of Noah’s bath toys, and he was almost as soaked as the kid was when he picked him up out of the water. He helped Noah choose his pajamas but left him to join Lexie downstairs, after rubbing at his own clothes with a towel in an effort to dry himself.
Lexie laughed when she saw the state he was in. It looked like he’d wet himself. She handed him a glass of wine. “Oh God.”
Riley held his arms out wide. “Bath time is officially awesome.”
Lexie quickly reached for a dish towel and approached him. “I’m so sorry,” she said with a smile as she wiped at his chest. “He thinks splashing is the best thing ever.”
Riley held her wrist gently, stopping her fussing. “I said it’s okay. I had a great time.” She looked up at him and Riley was momentarily struck dumb by how fucking beautiful she was. The curve of her upper lip beckoned him like a siren’s call and, before he knew what he was doing, he bent his head to kiss her.
“Mommy!”
Riley’s head snapped up at the sound of Noah’s feet pounding down the stairs. Lexie stepped away from him and ran a hand through her hair. “In here. Have you brushed your teeth?”
“Yes,” Noah replied, skidding into the kitchen.
“Let me smell.”
Noah approached Lexie with a reading book under his arm and opened his mouth, breathing out heavily into her face when she crouched down to meet him. “Oh!” she exclaimed. “Nice and minty.”
“Can Riley reads to me my bedtime story?”
Lexie glanced up at Riley, her breathing
seemingly a little labored. “If you ask nicely, I’m sure Riley would love to read to you.”
“Come on, Riley,” Noah urged, pulling on Riley’s hand and dragging him into the living room. “Sit there,” he ordered, pointing to the sofa. Riley chuckled and did as he was told, as Noah scrambled up onto it next to him, still holding the book. He sat as close to Riley as he could and slapped the book onto his lap. Riley smiled. “The Velveteen Rabbit?”
“It’s my favorite,” Noah told him.
Riley looked at his son. “It’s my favorite, too.”
Noah’s face was ecstatic. “Please cans you read it?”
Riley placed his wineglass onto the coffee table. “Sure, buddy. I’d love to.” He sat back, wrapped an arm around Noah, and opened the hard-backed book, marveling at the illustrations. Noah pointed with a small finger at the first page. “It starts here.”
Riley nodded, looking briefly at Lexie as she sat down in the chair by the fireplace, trying his hardest not to think about what would have happened if he’d kissed her, what it would have felt like. “Okay.” He cleared his throat. “There was once a velveteen rabbit, and in the beginning he was really splendid.”
Riley read the story, putting on voices that made both Noah and Lexie giggle. As he read, Noah squeezed closer to his side and Lexie leaned over the arm of her seat, her chin in her hand, occasionally sipping her wine. Riley allowed himself to imagine the moment as a small glimpse into what his future could look like. He took a quick photograph in his mind of the scene and stored it, knowing he would pull it out on the days he was away from the two of them.
“ ‘That?’ said the doctor. ‘Why, it’s a mass of scarlet fever germs! Burn it at once. What? Nonsense! Get him a new one. He mustn’t have that anymore!’ ”
“Riley.”
Riley looked over to Lexie to see her gesturing with a tilt of her chin toward Noah. He looked down to see the little boy fast asleep, curled up against his side. He was just about the most perfect thing Riley had ever seen. He closed the book and gathered Noah to him, picking him up just as he’d done out of his car the night before.
A Measure of Love Page 20