A Memory Away

by Taylor Lewis

  Jonah found he was listening seriously to Lopez right up until the moment she mentioned someone else coming in and taking responsibility for Kyle and his son. He was brought up short at the sharp pang in his chest when he considered the possibility of someday having his son calling another man daddy. Of that man being able to go to little league games and graduations and do a hundred and one other things that were his by right...and by choice, goddamn it.

  He stood up. “Where the hell is my phone?”

  ~*~*~*~

  When the knock came at his door later that night, Jonah froze for a moment with his heart slamming against his ribs and felt a cold sweat spring out on his body. A few hours’ sleep thankfully not assisted by alcohol, another shower – even more thankfully this time not assisted by Lopez – and a meal of some pasta and crusty bread and he was feeling a lot more human. The call he had placed to Kyle had been brief and uncomfortable on both sides, he could almost smell the trepidation wafting down the line from Kyle’s end. When he had basically demanded a meeting between the two of them he had been surprised when Kyle had insisted on coming to his apartment instead of having Jonah come to him or meeting somewhere neutral. Or in public.

  Jonah was prepared to concede that the thing that surprised him most of all was that Kyle was insistence on them meeting alone considering how their last meeting had gone. In the other man’s shoes he wasn’t sure he would have made the same decision.

  Another knock sounded and Jonah shook himself before crossing to the door and pulling it open to reveal Kyle in the small hallway outside, looking white and tired and clutching the strap of his messenger bag like a lifeline. “Hey.” Jonah nodded at him and then stepped back. “Come in.”

  “Thank you.” Kyle’s voice was soft but steady and he moved past Jonah without meeting his eyes, his shoulders tense under his black leather jacket. He stopped in the centre of the room and looked around uncertainly until Jonah pointed to the armchair under the window indicating he should sit. Kyle looked worriedly back at the door and Jonah realised he had inadvertently chosen the position furthest from the only avenue of escape. If things went badly then Kyle not only had to get across the length of the room but through a man that had already proven he could snap him like kindling if he chose. Kyle gave the door once last look and then tilted his chin up and sat himself down, placing his bag on the floor at his feet and crossing his legs neatly.

  “You want a drink?” Jonah shoved his hands into his jeans pockets and couldn’t quite make himself look at Kyle, unsure how to act after their last meeting. “I got some of that tea in that you like. Well, my friend did a grocery run for me earlier and I got him to pick some up.” He took a step towards the kitchen. “I’ll go put on the water.”

  “No, thank you.” Kyle laced his hands together over his knee and stared at the floor, his artfully cropped hair falling into his eyes. “If you’d just say what you have to say then I’d appreciate it.” He hesitated and then added almost defiantly, “I want to get back to Shea and I don’t like to leave him in the evenings if I can help it.”

  “Right.” Jonah quashed a stab of anger at the carefully blank expression and cool tone of voice. Then he noticed the way Kyle’s knuckles were showing bone white through the taut skin of his hands and the fine trembling in his body and realised that the other man wasn’t indifferent and dismissive of him – he was goddamned scared.

  He sat himself down on the end of the couch furthest from Kyle and said roughly, “I’m not going to do anything to you. I didn’t want a meet to push you around some more.”

  Kyle’s eyes lifted in surprise for a moment and then he dropped then back down to the floor, scowling and with a faint stain of colour on his otherwise chalk white face. “I didn’t imagine for one minute that you would. I doubt even you would be stupid enough to attack me again in your own home when I’ve informed two different people where I am and who to contact if I don’t come home tonight.”

  Jonah really wanted to laugh that comment off but somehow he didn’t think Kyle was kidding. Deep in his gut he felt a stab of guilt and then another of reluctant admiration – it had taken real guts for Kyle to come to him alone if he had even a suspicion Jonah would turn on him again. He shifted uneasily on his seat and tried to think of something to say to start the conversation but nothing came to mind. He shifted again and blurted out the first thing that came into his head. “He really mine?”

  Kyle’s head jerked up again, a look of incredulity on his face, before his mouth twisted bitterly and he muttered, “Score one for Megan.” He bent to tug open the flap of his bag and rummaged inside for a moment before pulling out a small plastic tub and tossed it onto the couch near Jonah. “I swabbed the inside of his cheek with a cotton bud. I’m not really sure if that’s how you’re meant to do it in real life but it seemed fairly consistent with what I’ve seen on C.S.I.”

  Jonah stared blankly down at the plastic vial and picked it up where, on closer inspection, it did indeed hold a cotton bud. “What’s this?”

  Kyle looked at him like he was mentally deficient. “A DNA sample? You wanted proof that he’s yours, yes?” He cast a glance at the vial in Jonah’s hand and then looked away again, his mouth twisting in distaste. “There it is. I’m sure with your connections you can have it tested fairly quickly. If....” He broke off and swallowed hard for a moment before forcing out, “If I haven’t done it correctly then I’m willing to bring him to his paediatrician and have another sample taken there.”

  Jonah continued staring and then delicately put the vial down on the coffee table. “Sorry.”

  Kyle shrugged. “I was expecting it. It’s not like I’ve given you any reason to trust me.” He focused on his hands and asked with a slight tremor to his voice, “When the test proves that...that he’s yours, what do you want from us? Are you....” His mouth worked frantically for a moment before he said thickly, “Are you going to try and take him away from me?”

  Wishing profoundly that that he was still drunk for this conversation, Jonah shook his head and said, “Hell, no, that’s...I would never do that okay?” He sat forward and asked with raw intensity, “Is that why you didn’t tell me, because you thought you would lose him? That I’d take him away from you?”

  Kyle flinched and then shook his head. “No, I...maybe, I don’t know.” He raised a slender white hand to his eyes and said brokenly, “I haven’t really been thinking that clearly for the past couple of weeks.” He drew a shaky breath and then squared his shoulders, looking up with a determined expression. “I have to know. The other night....the way you were....is that how you really are underneath? Having a child can be...frustrating....and I have to know that....if you lose your temper again....”

  Jonah jumped to his feet, freezing when Kyle pulled back sharply in his chair and looked up at him with wide eyes. “Fuck, Gerritsen, I’m a cop. I would never hurt a kid! I spend my life trying to put away the bastards that do.” Kyle continued to stare at him mutely, evidently not convinced and Jonah turned sharply away, his hands clenching into fists in frustration at himself and the situation. “The other night, that wasn’t because of the...because of Shea. Not really.” He took a deep breath and then another trying to calm himself and find the words to explain and finally muttered, “I hate talking about this shit. I really fucking hate it.” He turned back to Kyle and said, “Look, there’s something you should know but I don’t want to make a big deal out of it, okay? It happened and I dealt with it and it’s over. Done.”

  Still looking nervous at Jonah’s sudden movement, Kyle nodded and said hesitantly, “Alright.”

  Jonah stared at him for a long moment and then gritted his teeth and made himself man the fuck up. “That night at the club where we....” Hooked up? Fucked? I destroyed your life and dreams? “....met, I was working undercover. There was a gang roaming the area at the time, targeting gays and beating the fuck out of them before robbing them. You remember hearing anything about it?”

  “Yes, i
t was all anyone could talk about for a time.” Kyle nodded, looking dazed. “Wait, you were undercover?” He stared at Jonah torn between dismay and fascination. “When we were together you were on duty?” He blinked when Jonah nodded shortly and said faintly, “Well you had me fooled. You’re very good at your job.”

  Jonah was surprised into a bark of laughter and grinned at Kyle when he finally seemed to relax slightly and smiled warily back. “Yeah, I guess I am.” He went back to the couch and flopped down onto it again, dropping his head onto the back and closing his eyes. “Anyway, I was still working the case when I ran into the gang and took a pretty bad beating. Ended up in hospital for a few months and it was almost a year before I was allowed back on the street.” He cracked an eye open and looked at Kyle who was staring at him in horror. “One of the side effects was that I ended up with some memory loss. Nothing major but there’s a bunch of days I can’t remember and it’s not likely I’m ever going to get them back.” He smiled wearily when Kyle finally made the connection and said, “Lopez seems to think I got jumped a couple of days after that night in the club, three or four at most.”

  “Oh my God,” breathed Kyle in understanding, a hand pressed to his mouth. “That’s why you didn’t recognise me.”

  “Yeah.” Jonah tapped his head self-mockingly. “You kinda got lost in the soup they turned my brain into for a time.” He pulled himself up a little and said gruffly, “I’m okay now. Nothing got broke permanently but I sometimes have these dreams, like, flashbacks I guess.” He felt his face flush with hot colour when Kyle’s face reflected nothing but confusion and muttered, “Most times I think it’s from when I got jumped. Images and stuff from when they had me down and I couldn’t fight back, but recently since we met I’ve been seeing you. Us. Together.” Kyle blinked at him dumbly and Jonah expanded irritably. “Fucking. We were fucking.”

  “Oh!” Kyle flushed a brilliant fuchsia pink. “You’ve been flashing back to us meeting. I...see.”

  “You really don’t,” said Jonah bitterly. “I don’t ever know what’s real and what’s not and it freaks me the fuck out, okay? Then I meet you and I start seeing you every time I close my damn eyes and I think if I get in your pants then it’s gonna go away. Get it out of my system, y’know?” He looked at Kyle with an unconsciously desolate expression. “Then we go out and bump into Lee and he recognises you from the club and I just...lost it. I thought I was just horny and needing to get laid and then he tells me that we hooked up and....” He gestured vaguely at Kyle’s rigid body. “I kept seeing that mark on your back in my dreams and I knew there was no way I’d seen it in real life. I figured that if I just saw your back and there wasn’t a mark then it was just because I liked you that I kept dreaming about you but then there was a mark and you’d lied to me and....”

  “Jonah,” Kyle’s hands closed over one of his fists and he said urgently, “Jonah, you need to calm down, okay? I understand now and I’m sorry that happened to you.”

  Blinking, Jonah raised his head from the back of the couch and realised that his voice had been rising steadily as he rambled and tried to explain the confusion and helplessness he felt at the mercy of his dreams. Kyle was now sitting beside him looking worried and sympathetic and clutching at him so hard that he was in danger of bruising the skin. His lips peeled back from his teeth in a snarl. “I don’t need fucking pity.”

  Kyle drew back a little at the defensive growl and then scowled and snapped, “Well that’s just as well because you don’t have mine.” He stared intently into Jonah’s sweating and angry face and said, “I’m sorry that happened to you and that you had to go through that, but, like you said, you seem to have made a full recovery and I have nothing to pity you for.” He tightened his hold on Jonah’s fist for a moment before letting go and slipping back a little on the couch to cross his legs and refold his hands neatly on his knee. “I just wish I’d have known from the start why you didn’t....” He frowned at the vial on the table with the proof of Shea’s parentage in it and said slowly, “I can’t say that I would have done anything differently but I like to think I would have done. I’m afraid I never even considered the possibility of, er, amnesia.”

  Jonah laughed mirthlessly. “Yeah, it is a little soap opera, huh?” He scrubbed a hand over his eyes and said reluctantly, “Look, I know it isn’t an excuse and I find it hard to own up to, but this whole not remembering shit and feeling helpless deal - I’m not so great at it. The other night....I was freaked and I was mad as all hell and I took it out on you. I’m not saying it was right and I’m not saying that I don’t get a little mad sometimes, but I don’t usually lose it like that ever and you don’t have to worry about it happening again. I’d never hurt Shea like that...or you.” He took his hand away from his eyes and turned his head to look at Kyle with miserable sincerity on every line of his face. “You at least get that, right? You believe that I’m not some kind of psycho who only knows how to talk with his fists?”

  Kyle stared back at him for a long time and then his face softened, eyes warming as he reached slowly out to touch Jonah’s arm again. “Yes, I believe you.” He bit his lip and continued warily, “I realise it’s a lot to ask but I’d like you to believe me when I tell you that I never set out to hurt you in any way. I know I could have handled things better, but....” His lips twisted ruefully. “I wasn’t thinking logically. Megan has suspicions that I was blinded by hormones.”

  Jonah smiled tiredly. “Yeah, I suppose that’s one of the drawbacks of the intersex thing, right? Man, puberty must have been rough for you. Double whammy.” He frowned when Kyle’s hand dropped away and the other man looked guilty suddenly. “What? I say something wrong?”

  Frowning down at the floor, Kyle took a deep breath and then said softly, “In the interests of full disclosure I should tell you that I’m not actually, by the strictest definition, intersex.” He flinched when Jonah jerked upright and stared at him in surprise, but stayed where he was and held his ground. “I’m wired a little differently inside, granted, but I was born only with male genitalia. Inside I have both female and male reproductive capabilities.”

  “But...” Jonah frowned in confusion. “On Shea’s birth certificate it says that you’re intersex.”

  “Yes,” Looking a little more confident when Jonah looked like he was holding good on his promise to not lash out or lose his temper, Kyle nodded. “That’s standard for someone like me. There’s only so many boxes to check to explain away certain things so for male pregnancies they still use the intersex option on official documents to make life easier. Internally, I have everything necessary to conceive and carry a baby, but Shea was born by C-section as when he came to term I had no way of naturally delivering him. Roughly two percent of the male identifying worldwide intersex population is like me.” He shrugged. “We’ve been trying to get it changed for years now and have all sexes and possible carriers of children recognised correctly, but it’s a slow change to come.” He looked warily at Jonah, evidently still searching for any signs of a negative reaction. “That’s why I questioned if you had accessed my medical records because obviously you would have known immediately then, but then when you said that you had just seen Shea’s birth certificate it became obvious you’d made an assumption so I didn’t correct you.” He looked downwards again, ashamed. “It was just another lie. One more wouldn’t matter, right?”

  “Oh thank God,” said Jonah and fell back against the couch again, ignoring Kyle’s startled look at him. “That’s been bugging me since I found out that we...knew each other.” He grinned sheepishly at Kyle’s puzzled frown and said, “These dreams of mine are pretty explicit, you know? X rated all the way.” He felt something warm near the region of his heart when Kyle blushed bright scarlet and dropped his eyes again, continuing mischievously, "And I figured if I got the mark on your back right then I must be remembering everything else right too, only no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t remember you having anything down there that you shouldn’t
and in my dreams I was pretty handsy with you.”

  Kyle cleared his throat when Jonah paused expectantly and said in a slightly higher pitch than normal, “Yes. We were very...enthusiastic.”

  “I figured.” Jonah shot him a lopsided smile and then said slowly, “The only thing I can’t figure out is why we didn’t use protection. I’m, uh, usually pretty careful about that.”

  Kyle thought again of Jonah guiding his hand back to touch his cock, sheathed in a condom, and reassuring him silently that they were being safe and replied, “We did. We went to the bathroom before we...well, before, and got what we needed from the machines. It must have spilt or been faulty already.” He looked up with an utterly mortified expression and said, “I’m sorry. I know it’s not fair on you, but I’m finding it very strange to be the only one who remembers what really happened and it’s making me very uncomfortable talking about it. I understand you want to have the DNA test run to prove what I’m saying but do we really need to dissect what happened down to every last sordid detail? I don’t generally behave like that and talking about it with you is...I don’t like it.”