Across the Ocean

by Heather Sosbee

My reasonable side decides to make her appearance now, tugging on my floating foot to pull me back down to the ground. What about Lára, she asks. So what if he loves you, if he won’t leave her.

  An icy cold bucket of imaginary water washes over me and I pull away from Ari. Sitting up in the bed, I cross my legs and look down at him. He rolls onto his back, his arms tucked under his head.

  “What about Lára?” I ask, and I think there was a faint tint of anger tossed in there. Maybe.

  “I’ll take care of Lára. Don’t worry about it.” There’s strange tone to his voice too, defensiveness? Uncertainty?

  “What happens after you ‘take care’ of her? All of you are friends; won’t this cause a huge drift between you? She obviously doesn’t like me and she’s made it very clear to me that she doesn’t want me around.” I can’t stand the thought of being the one to break it all up.

  “Aren’t you in love with Lára? How do you just turn that off? If you leave her for me, will you regret it after our newness wears off? Where will that leave me?” Aren’t these valid questions?

  I’m ridiculous. I want him to leave her for me, and yet I don’t want him to leave her because I don’t want to cause any problems. How can I expect him to have the right answer if I don’t even know what I want?

  I love him. I know this much. I want to be with him. I need to see from him that he wants to be with only me before I step in any deeper. I’m already in deep enough as it is. Walking away now would cripple me.

  Ari sits up in the bed with a frown on his face. His hands run through his hair in agitation and I can tell that he doesn’t really know the answers to my questions. I can’t say that I blame him, these are things we need to figure out. There are other people involved and our own hearts that we need to watch out for.

  “All I know is that I love you. I love Lára, too. I’m not completely sure if they’re the same kinds of love, and it’s something I need to figure out.” He climbs out of bed, grabbing his jeans and sliding them on.

  “What are you doing? Are you leaving?” I ask, as he buttons his pants, then reaches for his shirt. I’m suddenly self-conscious and pull a sheet up to cover my nudity.

  “I just need to go and think about what to do about everything. I can’t think straight when I’m around you, it’s too distracting. I just need some space.” I feel a bit like I’ve been rejected, even though I probably shouldn’t. My cheeks burn with shame that he’s just going to leave after we had the most incredible sex of my life.

  I can respect that he needs time, since there are so many uncertainties in this situation. What if he leaves and realizes that he can’t keep me, and then these are our last moments together? I’m scared and unsure.

  Ari must see the panic flaring in my eyes, as he leans over and gives me a sweet yet passionate kiss. I can feel the emotions behind it and it soothes me a little.

  “Nothing prepared me for what it would be like with you, Brooke. Just remember that I love you. I’ll call you tomorrow.” I nod quickly, swallowing down the swell of tears I feel rising within me. Ari reaches down and grabs his shirt, pulling it over his head and arms.

  He heads to the door of my bedroom, and stops in the frame to turn back and look at me. I’m sure I look pathetic sitting on the bed like a wilted, sad flower.

  “Bye, elskan.” And then he’s gone. I hear the front door open and shut soon after.

  “I love you.” I whisper quietly after him.

  Chapter 11

  Ari

  I am heading up the stairwell toward Gunnar’s flat. This is the only place I know I can go where someone will give me an unbiased opinion on the situation. He will let me get it all out of my system, and then give me a logical solution to the problem.

  Reaching the door, I lift my hand and press the buzzer. Now that I’m standing still, the scent of Brooke and sex floats up to my nose. I tell you, it’s like a drug. I instantly feel lightheaded and happier.

  I can hear Gunnar walking across the house to answer the door. I’m filled with so much buzzing energy, I just have to vent.

  I hear the lock to the door twist, and the door pulls open, revealing a smiling Gunnar.

  “Hey. What’s going on, man?” Gunnar steps back and invites me inside. He closes the door behind me and follows me into the kitchen. Grabbing both of us a beer from the fridge, he motions his head toward the living room.

  I take one of the beers he offers me and follow Gunnar into the living room to resume my normal spot on the couch. It’s routine by now. I pop open the lid to my beer and take a deep chug, preparing myself for the discussion.

  “So, spill. What happened? Are you glowing?” Gunnar is squinting at me, scrutinizing my appearance. I shrug a bit, because I probably am.

  “I had sex with Brooke.” I blurt out, without preamble. I might as well just get straight to the point so that I can figure all of this out more quickly. I don’t like the thought that Brooke is just waiting for me, but I really do need to figure out what I’m going to do.

  Gunnar’s eyebrows rise so high that they almost blend in with his hairline. He starts nodding, as if it all makes sense to him now. A broad smile sweeps across his face, and I can tell he is genuinely happy for me.

  “How was it?” I appreciate him not diving into the Lára issue right away. We both already know there is an elephant hanging out in the room, and we’ll get to it soon enough.

  I relax back into the couch and let out a deep sigh. Oh, the many ways I could describe how good it was to be inside of Brooke. Where do I even begin? I’m sitting here, my mouth open and ready to speak. Gunnar starts to laugh at my response, causing me to smile in return.

  “That good, eh? She left you speechless? How does it compare to Lára?” His laughter fades off, a serious tone taking its place. We have to get down to business. I sit up in my seat, resting my forearms on my thighs. Glancing down at my hands, all I can see is earlier when I was touching Brooke. Focus, Ari!

  “Brooke is incredible. I can’t even put into words how right she is for me. Making love to her was absolute bliss. I can’t ever go back to being without her.” I really can’t. I don’t even want to imagine it.

  Being inside of Brooke showed me that it was her all along, and that even if it will hurt Lára’s feelings, I have to break up with her. I can’t lie to myself or to anyone else about it.

  “I love Brooke. I thought I loved Lára, and maybe I do. Maybe I just love her the way friends love and care about each other. I’m not even sure if she loves me in the same way that I love Brooke.” I look up and meet Gunnar’s eyes.

  “She loves me too, Gunnar.” My heart is starting to float away, it feels so light.

  “I know she does. She wouldn’t be here if she didn’t. She came all this way, subconsciously seeking you out. The time is right, buddy. So what are you going to do?” Good question.

  “I guess I just need to go talk with Lára. I don’t think she’s going to take it so well, as she’s been so jealous of Brooke. I can’t blame her, and I don’t know this person she is these days.” Gunnar nods in understanding, contemplating the situation. “She’s unpredictable. Brooke is really concerned about how this will affect everyone if I leave Lára and cause a lot of drama. I don’t blame her.”

  “Well, the only thing you can do now, is head home and talk to her. You can’t control how she behaves, and if she goes nuts, everyone will see it. They’ll understand how it goes. We all want you to be happy and it’s so obvious that you and Brooke go hand in hand.” This is what I need to hear. I just need to do it.

  Taking another chug of my beer, I nod thoughtfully. Gunnar is completely right. It doesn’t matter how Lára will react. I can’t just stay with her because she will throw a tantrum if I leave her to be with someone else. She will have to move on, right? Then, I can finally be with Brooke.

  ******

  Brooke

  I step out of the shower, grab the towel from the hanger, and begin to dry off. My body is sore from earl
ier and I’m not sad for it. I’d gladly take several days of soreness if it meant that I was able to enjoy Ari like that on a regular basis.

  Turning to look at my reflection in the foggy mirror, I push wet strands of hair behind my ears. I really hope he comes back to me.

  I head out the door of the bathroom and up the stairs to my room. It’s awful quiet in the house, so I turn to my laptop to put on some music. Ari left several hours ago. Even though the light coming through the window in the ceiling makes it seem like its afternoon, I know it’s after dinner time.

  So much for Ari’s and my day out having a great time getting to know each other. I mean, I suppose we did get to know each other, I technically even got exactly what I wanted—Ari telling me he loves me.

  I didn’t, however, expect him to leave so quickly after we had shared such intimate moments. It was like his ass was on fire or something. I just hope it isn’t because he’s doubting himself or second guessing us together.

  I notice MSN chat has a bubble up and I can see it’s from Ari. A wave of excitement washes over me. I hope he’s going to tell me that he broke it off with Lára. I lean back onto the bed, pulling my knees up to rest my laptop on.

  marxist: Hi Brooke. Are you here?

  salemsme: Yeah, I’m here.

  marxist: We need to talk.

  I swallow the lump in my throat. That doesn’t sound good.

  salemsme: Okay…go ahead and talk.

  I see ‘marxist is typing’ on my screen for quite a while, and it only causes my stomach to sink deeper and deeper. I’m scared to death about what he is going to say.

  marxist: I’ve been thinking, and I needed to tell you that I realize I am very much in love with Lára. I’m not in love with you. Whatever you think we have together is just not real. We have had some sort of make believe ‘relationship’ all these years that really amounts to nothing. You mean nothing to me. You actually mean less than nothing to me. Lára has been here for me, in person. I love her, and I will never leave her for you.

  I actually think you’re one of the worst people I’ve ever known for putting me in a position to question my love for my girlfriend. Flirting with me, tempting me. Really, I think it would just be best if we didn’t see each other again and if you realized that it’s probably time for you to be heading home.

  I don’t think you should try to contact me again, and if you do, I won’t respond. Sorry, reality needed to hit you sometime. Good luck on your flight home.

  marxist has signed off.

  I am absolutely shocked stupid. How is it possible for this situation to turn like this? My heart feels like it’s been shattered with a huge hammer and broken into a billion tiny slivers all over the ground.

  My stomach starts to roll, tempting me to throw up. A wave of embarrassing heat flows throughout my body. My blood is roaring in my ears, and my dark side is screaming inside of me in agony. Ari has rejected me.

  Tears are welling up and overflowing, dripping down my cheeks in a constant flow. I can’t possibly wrap my brain around what has just happened. Sure, I could try and say that Lára was the evil culprit, but she’s supposed to be working right now. Plus, this is actually my fault, allowing us to get involved like we did.

  “Well, fuck you.” I yell to my laptop, smacking the keyboard. If Ari doesn’t want me, then it’s definitely his loss. Now I know I can just go back home and try to forget about everything. Try to forget about his touch, his kisses, and his lovemaking.

  I let out a loud frustrated yell, to no one in particular. My shock and embarrassment are quickly turning into burning hot anger and I stand up and pace around my room in my bath towel. Yanking it off, I grab some clothes from a drawer in my dresser, and begin to get dressed.

  I’ll just buy my ticket now for departure in a day or two. The sooner, the better. I don’t care how much it costs. I don’t care if I have to hitchhike to the airport. I’m leaving. Emilia has been amazing to me, and I know she’ll understand why I have to leave.

  I turn back to my laptop and begin to search for return airfare. Within minutes, I have a flight selected to return back to San Diego for tomorrow night. I know it’s short notice, but it doesn’t matter. Without thinking twice, I pull my credit card out of my wallet on the table next to the bed and purchase my ticket.

  A drop of water splashes onto my keyboard as I’m typing. I realize that I’ve begun to cry again. After completing my purchase, I shove the laptop off my lap and push it to the side of the bed I’m not occupying.

  Curling into the fetal position, I grab the blanket and tuck it in around me, tears streaming from my eyes. I can’t allow myself to break down over this; I have to strive for numbness now. Eventually, I fall asleep.

  ******

  Ari

  I unlock my front door, and head inside. It’s late in the evening now. I think somewhere around one in the morning. I left Gunnar’s place after I calmed down enough to think of how I was going to approach Lára. I don’t think I’m really calm at all, and there’s no real way I can prepare for this properly.

  Lára isn’t going to be happy, no matter what I do. I’ve tried coming up with several different types of speeches, and when it comes down to it, I’ll probably forget all the planned stuff and just fumble along like an idiot.

  The idea of hurting Lára doesn’t help. I have never been that guy who goes around being careless with women’s feelings. I like to consider myself a gentleman, although having slept with Brooke before leaving Lára wasn’t behaving like a gentleman at all.

  I find her sitting on the couch in the living room, dressed in blue and green plaid pajama pants and her normal white tank top. Looking over in my direction from the television, she gives me a large smile. I have a feeling this isn’t going to be easy. I slide my shoes and jacket off.

  Lára stands, coming up to me quickly. Wrapping her arms around my waist, she kisses my lips softly. Her eyes are glittering with something I haven’t seen in a while, maybe excitement? Glee? It just makes it harder.

  “Hi, baby.” She purrs, standing on her tip toes to bite my earlobe. Uh oh. This is the last thing I need right now.

  “Hey,” I respond while trying to extricate myself from her grasp. “Why are you so happy tonight? Did you have a nice evening?”

  I move toward the kitchen to grab a beer from the fridge, pop off the cap, and take a deep gulp. I’m going to need it.

  “Yeah, I guess you could say it was great, but I’m mostly happy to see you. You’ve been so distant lately and I’ve missed you.”

  I nod, not sure how to respond. I can’t say to her that I haven’t really missed her or that I just had sex with Brooke.

  “Did you hear that Brooke is leaving tomorrow?”

  The casual question makes my heart jumps so hard that I think it could explode out of my chest. She’s leaving? Tomorrow? This can’t be.

  “Where’d you hear that from? I thought she was staying a while longer.” I try to keep my voice steady and head back into the living room with Lára trailing behind me. I’m scared for her to see my face, since I know it must be sporting a shocked expression.

  I know Lára is talking behind me, but I’m having difficulty keeping all my motor skills running properly and paying attention isn’t so easy. How can she leave me? Did all she want was to fuck me?

  “Emilia told me earlier that she was leaving tomorrow. She said she was going to get back to her life in San Diego. Personally, I’m kind of happy. I know she’s your friend and all, but she was creating an awful lot of awkwardness between us, don’t you think?” More like Lára was creating a lot of awkwardness between us.

  Sitting on the couch, I take another swig of beer. This just can’t be happening. I had her in my arms. I could see the emotion in her eyes. I could feel her trembling around me. There’s no way she was faking, right?

  Lára comes to cuddle up next to me, and I wrap my arm around her shoulders. If what she says is true, then am I supposed to break up with Lára ev
en though Brooke is leaving me? All the feeling is slowly dripping out of my body, leaving me numb.

  How could I have been such an idiot? I’ve allowed Brooke to affect me when I should’ve been doing that to the girlfriend I already have. Humiliation and rejection is just washing over me in waves. I can hardly handle the intensity of it all.

  Lára is still snuggling up on me, her hand rubbing up and down my chest. I don’t know how she isn’t aware of the fact that I’m completely tense and on edge. She really seems completely oblivious to my reaction, now that I am paying attention.

  My mind is all over the place, doubting every little thing. Does Lára even know me? Does Brooke? Do I even know who I am, or what I want? I can’t handle all of this!

  I stand up quickly and hardly notice that I push Lára away from me. I head toward my bedroom to prepare for a shower.

  I don’t even know how Lára couldn’t smell the sex on me or the scent of another woman. She must really be caught up in her own world.

  “I’ll be back in a bit.” I mutter as I head down the hall. I don’t notice if she replies or not. I’m trapped in a bubble that includes me, guilt, anger, and heartache. I walk quickly into my bedroom, yanking my shirt over my head. Tossing it on the ground, I notice my laptop is partially open on my bed.

  Since Lára has her own laptop, it’s strange for her to use mine. Walking over to the bed and flipping open the screen; I see that MSN is up. It’s not signed in, but still. I usually close out of the program completely when I’m finished, and I haven’t used it in a while. Its obvious Lára has used my computer.

  Closing the laptop rather forcefully, it scoots slightly across the bed, revealing an open letter underneath it. Picking it up, I see it’s from the University of Edinburgh to Lára. My curiosity (or suspicion) gets the better of me, and I pick it up to inspect it more closely. My eyes skim the first paragraph of the letter and I’m incredulous.