“Yes, what is the number?”
After giving her the number, I said, “I’m sure he will be happy to receive additional business. He is a very prompt and professional person.”
“Has he asked you out yet?”
“I don’t know why you think he is interested in me. He has never approached me like that.”
“Trust me, he will.”
“I don’t think so. We are both married.”
“What does that mean? I’m a woman and when I see you two together, you can see it all in your face. You both are attracted to each other.”
“Sorry, boss, but we are just business associates.”
“All right then. I will get back to you, but remember I’m a woman and I know what I see and if I see it, others do too.”
Laughing to ease the mood, I said, “I will talk to you later, bye now.”
That’s how it was with my boss, Samantha. We could discuss anything because she was so cool. I knew she wanted me to step out of the box and see what she saw. But I didn’t want anyone to know that I had such an attraction for this man. I couldn’t let her know that I would be willing to cross those boundaries. Otherwise, how could she trust me to do a professional job with her subsidiary company?
My girl, Zandra, was worried about me. She thought I would leave my husband or mess up a perfectly good marriage for a romp in the bed with Travis. She wanted me to stop this nonsense and get my head out of the clouds. Our last conversation earlier this week really pissed me off. I could still remember it.
“Have you given up on the thought of fucking your employee?” she asked.
“It is not that simple. It’s not that I want to just fuck him. I care about him.”
Laughing, she said, “Shit, girl, you want that dick and you need to forget about it before you ruin everything.”
“I am not ruining anything. I care about him.”
“Who your ass trying to fool? Your ass just wants to fuck him. You need to talk to Dexter and ask him to give it to you like you like it, because it’s not cool to fuck another woman’s husband. You wouldn’t want anyone fucking yours, now would you?”
“Earlier this year, I would have put my foot in a woman’s ass for trying to mack my man. Now, I see how that shit happens. I want another woman’s husband and I have no guilt. I would be willing to trade.”
“If you don’t want his ass, what makes you think someone else does?”
This bitch who was supposed to be one of my best friends was about to make me mad. She was slipping on thin ice and one more stupid comment from her mouth would cause me to knock her ass out. I was so angry that I said, “I never told you I didn’t want my husband. Don’t you worry your fat ass about my life! If your ass can’t understand my dilemma, then you better get your ass out of my life. I came to you because I’m scared. I love Dexter. I have never messed around on him and I never intend to. I like Travis and I am very attracted to both his body and his mind. For this to happen, he had to get me with his mind first before I noticed his body. But I would never leave my husband because I want to experiment with another man’s dick.”
“I’m not trying to make you angry. I want you to see that what you are thinking about doing could change your life. I know I tell you too rough, but you need to hear what I am saying. Once you cross that line, you can’t go back. Can you handle that?”
“I think I can. But if I never did what I’m thinking, how would I know?”
“Just know this, you could fall in love. There are too many consequences if your husband finds out. You know that these men can go out and get as much booty as their hearts desire, but the minute that you do and they find out, your ass is in the streets.”
“I know that. I wouldn’t let him find out.”
“Well, as I said before, if you mess with that man, don’t tell me or anyone else. You have to keep that shit a secret. You can’t trust anybody. It is too risky.”
“You must have done this before.”
“Don’t worry about me. Just make sure you don’t tell anyone. Get your dick and go home. Leave your heart with Dexter. Travis is married and he ain’t leaving his wife.”
“I wouldn’t want him to. I’m no fool. If he leaves her for me, he will do the same to me later.”
“You got that right.”
That’s how our conversation ended. At first, I was so upset with her, but when I realized she was trying to make sure I saw the picture from all angles, I understood. She was my friend and she was worried about me, plus I still believed her ass had already done what I wanted to do, or she was doing that shit now. I was glad my girl had my back, but she best have been careful how she came at me. I was about to tell her to kiss my ass for good.
Travis returned and prepared to leave, he stepped into my office and shut the door. “Malika, I need to leave. You had a virus. I secured the firewall, so that should stop any other virus attempts.”
“Did we do something wrong here?”
“No, it’s possible someone opened a bad attachment, but that could happen to anyone. As people create different types of viruses we just have to step up our game to protect the systems.”
“I’m glad that you were able to clean it up.”
“Hey, lady, I got you, you know that, don’t you?” His voice lowered a half octave and his eyes were shining and had this romantic look.
“Before you go, Samantha called. She wants to talk to you about something. I gave her your cell number, but, here, take her number.” I sauntered over to my desk and bent over with my butt directly in front of his crotch. He moved into me and leaned over to see what I was writing and I did it. I backed my ass into his dick and began to grind in a circular motion. His dick stood up to attention and to prevent me from seeing just how that one little action turned him on, he plopped down into the chair. Bingo, I had the answer clearly. Now it was his move.
“Do you know what Samantha wants?”
“Something about participating in a project.”
“That should be interesting.”
“Malika, line two. It’s your husband,” Frances said.
I jumped up and went around my desk, turned my back, and briefly talked to Dexter, and when I hung the phone up Travis was gone.
I was mad all week because everybody thought Travis was into me, including me, but ever since I backed my ass into him earlier in the week, I hadn’t heard from him. Maybe it was best I didn’t see him because I probably would have asked if he was interested in a relationship with me. If he said yes, I was prepared to go to a hotel with him. Then I would have fucked his brains out and sent him back home. I wondered if I would ever get that privilege.
Chapter 8
If Loving You Is Wrong, I Don’t Want to Be Right
Lately, I had been listening to a lot of old-school music. Music from back in the day never died, because its lyrics were so soulful and deep. I mean those songs were about real shit that really happened. The young people of today sing about shit like “she took my man and I’m gon’ kick her ass.” But old-school music taught about the heart, why it was hurting and how to stop the pain. It was about love. No fighting. No killing, just plain, good-time love that was explained through the music.
Every time I heard old-school music, I started to cry. That was how you knew you had it bad, when you heard a song and it made you weep. I was crying because I wanted Travis. He made me feel good inside. He pushed me to be successful.
Dexter used to do the same. He was so sweet and caring back in the day. He wanted me to be successful and would do whatever it took to make it happen. I was only forty, but he acted like our life in the fast lane had come and gone. I was still ready to live, play, and enjoy this life. I was equally as ready to achieve at a different level during this phase of my life. It was not over for me. My life was just beginning. It shouldn’t have taken a young man to spark those dormant feelings inside of me. It should have been my husband.
Yet, here I sat, lingering on the words of
a young man who seemed to have his shit together. For all I knew he could be a wife beater or gay. But all I could see was a man who was so fine and who presented himself as an intelligent professional who seemed to have my back and I was infatuated with him. I wanted that man. I wanted him. I wanted him.
Funny thing though, I still wanted my husband. I really loved his ass. Even though when we were in the bed, right before we were about to get intimate, he let out this loud-ass fart. This shit was so loud that it shook the bed and the house. It was a major sexual turn-off. He lifted the covers off and fanned the scent away from me. That made me laugh.
I was a little bothered that he thought that after I had heard something like that I could still open my legs and let his stinky ass partake of my pussy. It was at this time that I saw Travis. I saw that bright smile and those pretty hazel eyes and I didn’t smell anything funky. All I saw was a man I wanted to touch and feel. I didn’t smell funky socks and I didn’t smell morning breath. Even though I knew in my heart that his wife was probably wishing someone would take his trifling ass away from her, because she was maybe feeling the same way I felt.
We all think the grass is greener on the other side, but it isn’t. We are just on the outside looking in or we think this person can do no wrong. Each of us has the ability to show people what we want them to see. It is because of not seeing the truth about the person at the beginning of the relationship that we end up getting hurt.
The only difference when you were messing around with someone else is that you got the good stuff—the love and romance. People don’t start off showing you the bad things about their characters. They have to make you fall in love with them and then you won’t care about the ugly stuff when it happens.
In my case, I could see this fine man who appeared to be every woman’s dream. He was kind, sexy, attentive, and successful. But this was not my man. I had decided that I wanted him just for a moment. Then I would send him back to his family. Even if I found out later that he was not all that he portrayed, I needed to know if he could love me like I needed.
That brought me to this dilemma: how in the world would I ever strip down naked and get into the bed with another man? I really didn’t think I could follow through on that part. I really liked Travis, but I needed to lose about fifty pounds before I got naked around him. I had my nerve because I acted like this was a done deal when it was not.
I must admit that I was self-conscious about my body. I had never ever been this big in my life, but being overweight didn’t stop my need to be desired. It only made my desire to be held, to be kissed, and touched stronger. I wanted to know that I could still have that fairy tale kind of love.
I was trying to lose this weight so I could fuck Travis. I knew that was kinda stupid. Even though I hadn’t really noticed what others seemed to think he felt about me, my heart said he wanted me, even now, while I was overweight. But I wanted to look and feel sexy when I slept with him. I wanted a slim, beautiful body when I fucked him. I could remember my mother always said that when folks start telling you stuff, you tend to start believing it. Losing the weight was my issue, not his. He had never treated me less than beautiful. Even though I loved me, before I allowed anyone other than my husband to see my naked body I wanted to lose a little weight. I was thick, but I was overweight by my doctor’s medical standards. But hell, fat girls needed love too.
We all have idiosyncrasies. We are who we need to be when it is important to make a positive impression. We grin and bear it to reach our goals. We change the way we do things to be accepted, even in love.
But sometimes in love, you have to do things you wouldn’t normally do. You close the door when you go to the bathroom. You try to make everything smell good and fresh, because you don’t want to offend the person you love. You keep everything neat and clean, because you want that man to believe he has a good catch. So you do everything decent and in order. That is new love. That was what I wanted.
I wanted my man to want me every night because I made him feel good. I wanted him to be happy to see me because he missed me when I was gone. I wanted him to send flowers to me at my job just because he was thinking about me. I wanted him to take me on a shopping spree because he enjoyed doing things to make me feel special. That was what I wanted—that fresh, new love.
But all I got was, “I don’t have time.” Every time I asked Dexter to do something as a family, I got, “Maybe next time.” That shit was for the birds. I wanted something different. Travis presented that for me. He seemed to be together. Don’t get me wrong, I knew I was looking through rose-colored glasses, but this was the way I needed to see things. Otherwise, I didn’t have anything to look forward to.
I knew it was wrong to want this married man. I was a married woman. We were in the same position. Both of us were probably not getting what we needed to stimulate our souls and our hearts. We were both struggling with our feelings. We were trying to remain professional. But I saw his eyes and I knew in my heart that for now, this very minute, if loving Travis was wrong, shit, I didn’t want to be right. Be still my heart.
Chapter 9
Party Like It’s 1999
I watched over ninety mothers and their babies parade through the door of the community center. Some decided to wear costumes even though we were not celebrating Halloween. The children were dressed as pumpkins and famous actors. Thank goodness there were no witches, goblins, or devils. We had enough of those in the daily newspapers and in the news without our children trying to mimic those thugs.
I walked over to Felicia, who was organizing the gift table and giving the parents instructions. Sarah was standing in the corner, talking to one of the parents on her caseload. She glanced at me with a half-cocked smile. I smiled at her and she turned her head. I laughed. The other staff members were working and talking to the parents while manning their stations. I noticed Frances kissing an infant.
Some of the parents were playing Pin the Tail on the Cat, while others were helping their children bob for apples. Music was blasting and the air was full of beats and happiness. The smaller children were dancing, some in circles, and others were jumping up and down. I even saw babies gently trying to clap their hands.
Mothers were socializing and eating. There were several fathers walking around, trying to make themselves useful. One walked up to me, smiling like a slick cat, asking if I needed his help. I sent him over to help serve the goody bags that had been packed for all the children.
I tried to make myself useful, so I sat in the corner in my booth, painting pumpkins, cats, and ghosts on the children’s faces. I really had no idea what I was doing, but the children were so excited and it gave me such joy to work some magic with my hands. My artwork was quite impressive. Everything was going well until Travis walked in. Apparently, Felicia had invited him to come by; he took her up on her offer. I noticed Sarah’s face immediately as Travis made his way to me. Suddenly, I wasn’t having any fun.
See, I was okay when I wasn’t standing in his presence, but something happened inside of me whenever he was near. I got nervous. The palms of my hands became sweaty and I lost my confidence. I knew my staff was watching my reaction to his being there. I wasn’t sure if I could pull off hiding my feelings. I was trying, but the more I saw him, the stronger this thing was. I was so conflicted inside. What was going on with me? Why was I so bottled up inside? I had to get my cool and control back with quickness.
When I walked into the kitchen area of the community center, Felicia was sticking her head into the refrigerator. Walking toward her, I said as professionally as I could, “Why did you invite Mr. Ingram to this activity?”
“Oh, he heard us talking about it and I told him if he wanted to stop by he could. Did I do something wrong?”
“No,” I said quickly. “I just wanted to know why he was here.”
“Malika, girl, it is common knowledge around here that Mr. Ingram is attracted to you. I don’t care how you two try to hide it, we can all still see it.
Good or bad, that’s just how it is. Otherwise, why is he here?”
“Could it be that he came because you invited him?” I stated sarcastically.
“Are you upset with me?”
“No! I’m just tired of the rumors around, I don’t need to start new ones.”
“I wouldn’t worry about rumors. These women here are very jealous and vindictive. They will start rumors on anybody. Just don’t buy into that crap.”
“I’m not, but sometimes conflict and confusion can be so exhausting. I have too much work to get done. I don’t have time to deal with things that have nothing to do with our work. At least this shouldn’t have anything to do with it, but because he is a contractor it seems that his coming around does or should cause me some concern.”
“I know that things like gossip and backtalk can cause problems, but only if you let them.”
“I realize that, but I am spending too much time defending my honor when I should be trying to improve on the services that we give to our parents. I just don’t have the energy to fight office conflicts and politics.”
“Then don’t worry about that stuff. Be who you are. Enjoy your life. Don’t let others dictate how you feel.”
“Are you sure that you didn’t go to school to be a counselor? Because you have some serious skills.”
“That’s what I have been trying to tell you. Now, when are you going to give me that raise?”
“Oh, you are going to get a raise when I raise my hand to give you some assignments to complete.”
“So you think you have jokes?” Felicia said as she grabbed me by the elbow and pulled me back into the atrium.
We both entered the atrium, laughing. As I walked back over to my booth to join Frances in painting faces, Travis grabbed my arm and asked, “Hey, Malika, how have you been doing?”
Full Figured 5 Page 21