When I returned to work on Monday, Travis was waiting for me. He waited until I greeted and was briefed by my staff, before he walked into my office, offering me a hug. His strong arms comforted me. He kissed my cheek and said he was sorry to hear about Samantha. But it felt different. It felt like a friend who cared about me, unlike my husband’s loving arms where I felt deep affection and a deeper connection. I also felt cheated because Travis walked out on me and had only returned to comfort me because he too shared my pain, not that he wanted it to be eliminated as my husband’s embrace did.
“She really thought well of you, Travis. She was impressed with your work and your high standards.”
“She was so intelligent and down to earth for such a young woman. I worked on several contracts with her and was impressed with the way she handled the attorneys and accountants. Samantha was the real deal.”
“I know, Travis. She was so special.”
“When are the funeral services for her?”
“They are planned for later this week. I will give you more details later. Her husband said that maybe on Friday. He is working on it with her parents.”
Looking concerned, Travis said, “Losing someone who was so special to me would be so devastating. I couldn’t stand to lose my wife or my children.” When he said that to me I had a light bulb moment! The call that day in the office when he was hugging and kissing me was his wife. Travis loved her as I did my husband. We were both hurting and were looking for something, not someone. It was too easy for him to spend time with me, yet neither of us could really move that forward. Weirdly, I didn’t get jealous; his words didn’t hurt me. I actually respected him for loving his family.
“Nor could I, Travis.”
With that, he stood up, walked over to me, and hugged me. “Are you going to be all right?”
“Yes,” I whispered as the tears rolled down my face. He squeezed me close to him. It felt good being in his arms. But I felt something had changed in him too. In the office that day, I felt the heat in his body for me. Now I just felt concern.
“I’ll call you later.”
“Okay, Travis.”
Chapter 19
It’s So Hard to Say Good-bye
Throughout the day, my staff and I reminisced about Samantha. We missed her so. It was so unbelievable that she was gone. She was a healthy woman who only suffered from high blood pressure. She was not overweight. This shit was so fucking wrong. Why did she have to die? I decided I would not question God because I knew from my teachings, in church, that God knew best. But I sure in the hell was going to miss my boss and friend.
We went through the week in a daze. Services were on Friday. My staff and I had to have a lot of support because we were so devastated. We were mourning the loss of a loved one. The corporate office offered us grief counseling. I accepted it for our staff. It was something to go through. This was my first time having a session such as this. There were plenty of tears and plenty of questions.
The counselor was good. She handled a staff of ten pitiful women who were suffering and were so brokenhearted. It took several hours for the counselor to get us to calm down. We felt better after the session, but she scheduled two more follow-up visits.
Travis did not attend the funeral services. He called me to say it was too difficult, but he had gone to view her body. He apparently had trouble with funerals. I fully understood this. He e-mailed me often for weeks after the funeral. I missed him so much. For almost a year he was in my office at least three to four days a week. Now I just received e-mails about computer issues. We never ventured outside of the business aspect of our relationship. There were days I felt sluggish. I couldn’t find the energy to care about too much. I shut my feelings down and tried to forget him. But there were days when the staff was gone that I would stare out the window and cry. My heart was in so much pain. I felt like he had stabbed me in the heart and left me for dead. I found no comfort in his e-mails. I knew he stayed in touch because he didn’t want me to have bad feelings. Emotionally, I was drained. I found the things I enjoyed in the past were just like a fading memory. My joy was gone. I settled back into my regular routine. I gravitated toward Dexter and because he felt all was well the appointment to see the counselor was never made. As a matter of fact, I felt worse than I did initially, but the difference was I didn’t care. I didn’t talk to my friends much because I didn’t want them to know I was in so much pain. I didn’t want them to say I told you so.
Then one day, out of the blue, he called me.
“You want to go to lunch?”
“Yes.”
“I’m on my way to pick you up.”
“Call me and I’ll meet you downstairs.”
We went to a quiet restaurant that was frequented by professional white folks. We were the only African Americans there. He ordered a house salad and a steak and potatoes, while I ordered baked chicken. He also ordered chocolate cake for dessert.
“Are you enjoying your food?”
“Yes, thank you, Travis. This is a quiet restaurant.”
“I miss you.”
I responded, “I miss you too.”
Travis cut his steak and took a forkful. “I thought of you often over the past weeks.”
“Why?” I needed to know since he decided it was unethical to be with me.
“I care a lot about you but we’re both married with families and I don’t want you to fall in love with me, complicating things.”
“What would make you think I would?”
“The fact that you have been married for more than sixteen years and never stepped out on your husband. I believe you would fall and I don’t want to hurt you.”
“Maybe you will be the one to fall. You said you’d never had an affair.”
“Honestly, I haven’t, but men are different. We can do things without the emotional attachment. I care about you, but like I said I have a wife and children and I’m not about to lose my family.”
“I have a husband and a child. I didn’t plan on wanting to be with you. Hell, this happened suddenly. I see why men and women can’t be friends. We get too close. We spent too much time together. But trust me, I am okay.”
“Have a piece of my chocolate cake. It is quite tasty.”
“No, thanks.”
“No, come on, try it,” he said, while handing me a fork. We sat there silently, eating his cake. It was so romantic. I wanted him badly. Every time I took a mouthful of cake, I imagined him inside of me. I wanted to feel him deep inside of me. Even if it was only one time, I had to have it.
“Malika, I want to take you to a movie this weekend.”
“I’m not fucking you!” I know I am the author of this confusion. Why is it that every time he takes a step toward me I sabotage it with the same stupid stuff about not wanting him when that is all I think about?
“I didn’t ask you to.” He looked at me like I was crazy. But I had to say it. I wanted him to romance me. I was so confused that I confused him. Why would he romance me when he didn’t want me to fall in love with him? I was so mixed up.
“I know, but I was establishing ground rules,” I said.
“Well, let’s just go to a movie and we’ll see what our next steps will be.”
“All right.”
“Meet me at the movie theater in Edwardsville. You know the one I’m talking about?”
“Yes, Travis, I know.”
“The movie starts at three. It’s an action movie. I can’t remember the name, but you’ll like it because I’ve heard you say you wanted to go see it.”
All week long I thought about what I would do when I saw Travis over the weekend. As I planned what I wanted to wear, my mind kept telling me to dress to make him want me. I told my sister, Karen, what I was doing just in case something went wrong.
“You shouldn’t do that. It is so not you.”
“Well, I can’t believe you are saying this, considering you are doing it yourself.”
“Well, Malika
, you are not me. Plus, you should try to keep your husband. Travis is going to use you. At least you know Dexter loves you for you. After all, when you gained all that weight, he stayed, didn’t he?”
“Karen, what is wrong with you? Why are you such a complete asshole? Call me when you know how to talk to me.” With that, I slammed the phone in her ear. That bitch was getting on my nerves. Why does Karen have to make me feel so insecure about myself? I love my big beautiful body and Dexter has never complained about my weight. Why does my own sister try so hard to make me feel so bad? I didn’t understand that. But it made me think that maybe I was ashamed of my body and that was why I was so reluctant to jump in bed with Travis. Was that why I was sabotaging an opportunity to feel his body next to me, as I’d dreamed?
On Saturday, I drove over to Edwardsville to visit a friend. I left more than two hours before I was to meet Travis. While I was laughing and kicking it with my girlfriend, Shanice, who I graduated from college with, my cell phone rang.
“Hi, this is Malika.”
“Hi, Malika, I have some bad news.”
“What?”
“I can’t come. My wife was suddenly called in to work.”
“Oooh.”
“We can try to get together next week. I hope you are not upset.”
“No, I am not. I’ll talk to you later.”
I was so upset that I told Shanice I had to leave, but I would call her later. I had to leave quickly because I knew I was going to cry. I walked out and got into my SUV. As I drove toward home, the tears started to fall. My feelings were hurt so badly I had to pull to the side of the road for safety. As I sat there, I screamed and beat on the steering wheel. I was upset that I ever thought something would come of us. Why did this man have such an impact on me? I had been a good Christian and an upstanding citizen. Everyone who knew me deemed me a professional, but this man made me break every professional rule and ethic I had ever learned.
I sat there thinking about the many times I had an orgasm while dreaming of him thrusting into me. That had never happened to me. All I had to do was think of my legs wrapped tightly around his powerful legs, and my panties would become soaked. I could be in the grocery store and his face would run across my mind, and I would have to squeeze my legs while squeezing my vaginal muscles. I did this to stop myself from having an orgasm in public.
How many times had I gone to church and midway through the sermon, my thoughts would trail off and I would be fucking Travis right there in the church? Not just a little fucking, but the entire act from foreplay to penetration. The pastor would be preaching about God and His commandments, and suddenly, I could feel his breath while he was sucking and licking my nipples. I would squeeze my thighs together and fuck him in my head. I could feel myself become as moist as morning dew. Then after he and I would climax together, the guilt would set in. “Please forgive me, God,” I would say loud enough for only my ears.
Every week for six months, I fucked Travis in my head while trying to hear the sermon. I became convinced that Satan had targeted me and I was his candidate for hell. Satan had taken that very important place where I could pray and talk to God, and replaced it with a dick in my mouth. How could God hear me if I was sitting in the sanctuary, sucking a man’s dick in my head? I felt like a guilty whore. How could I allow the devil to make me imagine fucking someone who was not my husband while in church? Didn’t the Bible say that lusting was a sin? Yet I sat in the church and had full-fledged adulterous sex in my head. Not only that, my panties were soaking wet, because I was so horny for this man. I had to do something, but what? I didn’t want to die suddenly and go to hell. I wanted to get that man out of my head.
Now that I thought about it, I felt like Travis was using me. I thought he played this game with my head and won. When I met him, I didn’t want him; our relationship was totally professional. I was satisfied at home, not 100 percent happy, but I had no plans of having an affair. I always felt that I had a wonderful husband. He was a good provider and was very good in bed. He had only one flaw: he was not a good communicator. Dexter had been that way from day one, but it never bothered me before. Now that we were getting older and we needed to work on many things for Little Dexter, my expectations were different.
Travis picked up on my insecurities and played me like a fiddle. He knew how to get me started and pushed the right buttons. I had started to believe that maybe he had done this before. Accept me, chase me, and then dump me before anything ever starts and then call me back and start the process over. Well, I was so tired of crying for him. I was letting go.
Chapter 20
How Do You Mend a Broken Heart?
My staff and I held a parent meeting to discuss issues they needed to know about getting their children immunized in a timely manner. There were twenty mothers present for the informational workshop. Many parents did not believe in immunizations for their children, and those who objected stated the shots were dangerous and they wanted no part of giving them to their children.
I asked, “Can someone tell me what would stop you from keeping your infant’s medical appointment?”
Three people raised their hands to answer. “Paris, tell us what would stop you from making sure your child is okay.”
“Ms. Williamson, I didn’t say I wouldn’t do anything to keep my baby healthy. But if I didn’t have transportation, I would have to reschedule my appointment.”
“But, Paris, by virtue of not taking your child to the doctor for a checkup, you are risking her health. You see, when doctors schedule monthly appointments to check on children, they are looking to see if the baby is thriving. Some babies don’t eat enough and may be too small; others may be eating too much and are too heavy. Doctors check to see if the babies’ eyes can follow objects, even to see if the babies are growing at the appropriate rate. So when you consistently miss your doctors’ appointments, I would say, yes, you are putting your child at risk.”
“I never thought about it like that, Ms. Williamson. You are not trying to hurt your child, but sometimes you don’t have a way to take them or someone you asked to take you may back out.”
“How many of you have heard of having a backup system?” No one raised their hands. “Surely, when you plan to wear an outfit to a party or somewhere else, you prepare a second outfit just in case that one doesn’t look right. How many of you pack second outfits for you and your baby?”
Every hand in the class was raised high in the air. All twenty women were in agreement.
“It is the same thing you do with your child. You should always plan on a second ride to the doctor, just in case. You can map out the bus route, carry cab fare, or contact one of the local organizations that provide free rides. There are at least seven agencies in this area alone that provide these services. Also, the state provides insurance through their health insurance carrier.”
“So, is that a backup system?” asked Janice.
“Yes, it is,” I replied. “It is having something planned just in case your previous plan doesn’t work out.”
I continued to talk to the class, because I loved the young women and knew if they could do better, they would. I also believed that many of them wanted to learn, but their circumstances thwarted them from overcoming poor decision-making skills. Also, I knew all of the parents I had met wanted their children to be happy, healthy, and educated. In all my years, I had never met a parent who said, “I want my child to be the worst damn child you have ever met.”
I turned the class back over to Frances. Unfortunately, for me, I was still craving Travis’s dick. All the time I was talking to the class, I could feel him penetrating me. Actually, my panties were wet. So I walked into my office and shut the door. I laid my head on the desk and let my dream overcome me.
I was working late and he saw my car on the lot. He came up to my office and knocked. I didn’t answer because I was the only person there and I had not expected anyone. Suddenly, my cell vibrated. I picked it up.
“Hi. Are you alone?”
“Yes, I am.”
“Open the door, please.”
I walked out of my office and opened the door. Though I was very happy to see him, I tried my damnedest not to show it.
“What brings you here?”
“You.”
I didn’t even waste my time with asking why. Suddenly, he grabbed and kissed me. Damn, that boy could kiss. My legs buckled and he lifted me up, so I wouldn’t fall. He backed me up against the file cabinet. We were kissing as if we would stop our blood would have seeped out of our bodies. He gently caressed my breasts.
“Malika, I want you so badly. I can’t stop thinking about you.”
He started rubbing his hands down my stomach until he reached my vagina. He slipped his fingers inside of my panties and moaned. “You’re so wet. You want me, Malika?”
“Yes!” I said, trying to catch my breath. But before I could say another word, his tongue was back in my mouth. I was enjoying his tongue because he knew how to use it, which left me wanting more.
Suddenly, he snatched my panties off. He tore them off because he couldn’t wait to get inside of me. I unbuckled his pants and they fell to the floor. He lifted my dress up and I struggled to get his briefs down. This man was built. Not only that, he had a very large, thick penis. I couldn’t wait to have it inside me. Before I could ask him to put on a condom, because we had thousands in the office, he entered me hungrily. His penis stretched and filled me up. He was lightly thrusting in me, but I wanted it harder. While sucking on his tongue like I wanted to suck his dick, I pleaded with him to fuck me harder. He then began thrusting in me, harder and deeper.
“Malika, damn you feel so fucking good. Shit, girl.”
“Oh, Travis, I want you.” I was going out of my mind. He lifted me high off the floor and I wrapped my legs around him. We were out of control. I had never fucked like that. “Harder, Travis, please. Damn, boy, this shit is good.” Ten minutes later, he kissed my neck and I buried my head into his chest as I had multiple orgasms. Before he could come, my selfish ass asked him to put on a condom.
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