“Malika, it’s too late for that,” he said as I felt his penis almost double inside of me and then he exploded. After he had climaxed, he continued to gently roll his dick inside of me. “Malika.” He affectionately called my name.
“Malika.”
I jumped. It was Felicia calling me. I stood up from my desk and my panties were soaked. I was so afraid my clothes were soiled. At that moment, I decided I had to change jobs. I could no longer think like a manager, because here I was in a building with twenty parents and my staff, and I was stuck in the office mind-fucking the IT man. This shit was stupid and I knew that like a drug addict, trying to kick the habit, I had to change the people I was around. To rid myself of Travis, I had to forget when I fell for him, change the places we went together, and forget about the things I did with him. To find myself again—the professional, down-to-earth, clear-headed Malika—I had to find another job. Sadly, I had ruined this perfect job because I feared my staff couldn’t respect me, knowing I had feelings for a contractor. No matter how much I tried to deny how I felt, it was so clearly written on my face that a blind man could see it.
I could no longer work like this. Travis had not been to the office in two weeks, no phone calls, no anything. I found myself searching and staring out the window; most of the time I cried. Even though my staff never saw the tears, Felicia voluntarily told me she was afraid for me. “Malika, what’s wrong with you? The spark is gone from your eyes. You don’t talk and laugh as much as you used to. I want the old Malika back.”
I just ignored her. But I smiled. I didn’t respond directly to her question. However, I thanked her for working so hard on the projects.
I had changed. The truth was Travis wanted a professional relationship with me. We had made a serious mistake, one that I would have to live with or change jobs. I decided I would find another job. He and I would never be able to work with each other again.
Chapter 21
Strangers in the Midst
Two weeks after the workshop, the computers crashed. Felicia called Travis five times and he did not call back. That shit never happened before. In the past, before that broken date, he would call me back in two seconds flat. So I e-mailed him and he e-mailed me back.
Good morning, Malika. I am in Washington, DC. I will not be back in the city until Friday. I will send an employee to your office to look at your computer system.
Travis
That was how much our relationship had deteriorated. It was so professional now. His employee took over the account. He was a very young, scrawny-looking Caucasian. Though he was nice, he was not Travis. I guessed Travis made sure he wasn’t sending another fine African American brother for me to fall over. Although his employee was nice, I felt empty and broken.
Twice during the month, Travis stopped by to check on the computer system. I swore he almost ran out of the office. What a slap in the face. That said, I still had the head fuck. I still craved his dick and I still needed to talk to him. But it was so over. So why couldn’t I move on?
It was a hot day in May when I received a call from a large corporation that was interested in talking to me about working for them. I had been sending out resumes because I was having a difficult time forgetting Travis and letting go. I scheduled an interview for the following week.
All week long, we did paperwork and held parent meetings at various times, so all of our parents would be able to participate. By the weekend, I was happy to have the much-needed break. Saturday, I drove over to East St. Louis to see my parents and we had a good visit. Kurt told me he was going to treatment and that he was tired of begging. For some reason, I believed him. While I was talking to my mother, Karen called and apologized. She informed me that she had said negative things to me on purpose, because she was jealous that I had more opportunities than she. In her mind, she thought our parents favored me because I was smart. She told me she loved me and I wasn’t fat, but she knew calling me that would hurt me. She further explained that although she was rich, her husband, Tim, was an asshole. He was a great provider, but awful in bed. But that’s another story. I accepted her apology and told her I loved her.
Earlier that morning, while I was in church and the pastor was preaching, my mind began to see Travis fucking me hard and rough. But I whispered, “Satan get back.” Three times during the services, Travis grabbed my breasts and sucked them. Twice, he finger-fucked me. But I closed my legs and asked God to help me.
I enjoyed the time with my family because it kept my mind occupied. When I was talking and laughing, thoughts of Travis had a more difficult time getting into my head. I was trying hard to let go, but I still had crying spells and I still saw his face when Dexter was inside me. If Dexter knew I had fallen for another man, he never showed it. He continued to love me and he was trying harder to communicate more.
Sunday, I met with my girls, Zandra and Pamela. We had lunch at Joe’s Crab Shack. We asked for a corner table so we could have privacy. Zandra wanted to ask a lot of questions, but I was limited in my answers.
“How are you and the computer man?”
“Zandra, you know I gave that up. You told me it was unprofessional and not to cross those boundaries and I didn’t.”
“Girl, you did the right thing. That man could have fucked you fifty times and decided to sue you for sexual harassment. It was a bad situation.”
Pamela had to throw her two cents in. “I know it was hard and he was fine, but shit like that doesn’t work out. As I always said, never get your butter where you make your bread. That simply means, don’t fuck someone on the job, because you could lose your income.”
“Yeah, you are right about that. But both of you know that shit sneaked up on me. I have never found myself in a situation like that. Although I have had many men pursue me on the job, I have always discouraged it. But this was different. I wasn’t looking for anything and I certainly didn’t need anything. Yet, he found the one area in my life that was suffering and that was my need to have a man talking to me, sharing ideas and dreams with me. You all know Dexter isn’t a talker and that he only wants to communicate when it suits him, but I needed more.”
“Malika, did you tell your husband what you needed?” Zandra asked.
“Yes, Zandra. I talked to him. He listened, and he agreed to go to counseling to help me. Things improved and changed again. But I knew that he cared. Hell, he’s always there for me, he cooks for me and Li’l Dexter, and he makes sure we are comfortable. I guess for my man, being a great provider was showing love. Yet, it wasn’t enough. You all know that relationships survive when you are communicating. You can have the best sex in the world, but if that’s all gone, what do you have to look forward to? Travis and I could talk about anything, anyplace and anytime. He understood my job and the people I worked with, while Dexter didn’t want to hear about my life. So it was so easy to fall for Travis. But, ladies, I am getting better. I’m looking to make a job change. I’m going to change my surroundings and start anew. Also, I have started to get Dexter to talk more. We’re not where we need to be, but it’s slowly coming along. A new environment will help me to get over Travis and help me to work on my marriage. Right now I feel like a rain cloud is over my head and until I make a change, it’s hard to find sunshine. If I don’t leave, I’m like the walking dead. So I have to think about me. I have to move forward.”
“Good for you. I was really worried about you,” Pamela said.
“I fell hard.”
“No, you just wanted to sample another dick.”
We all laughed and continued talking about life and other issues that were affecting us. My girls fought for me. They never once encouraged me to have an affair. They cared about my happiness and my marriage. I wasn’t used to women helping each other like that. Some women would encourage you to have affairs and would also provide you with an alibi. But my two best friends wanted me to work out my issues with Dexter. They knew not all that looked good was good for you.
As we left
the restaurant, Pamela said, “If you had gotten that dick, you would have been disappointed. He probably had a little-ass dick anyway.”
Zandra agreed, “That’s right! Usually men you want that bad can’t fuck worth a damn. Count your blessings because if you had fucked him, you would be pissed.”
We all laughed in that parking lot. Even though I was feeling better, I still wanted Travis.
Chapter 22
So Alone
Life has a way of bumping your head up against the wall so hard that you can feel the lumps and bruises. You know they are all over your head even if you don’t look into the mirror. I felt sore all over. I was not myself. Falling in lust was so emotional for me that Zandra told me that I was having a lustful and emotional affair with Travis. She further told me that getting over him would be just as hard as mending a broken heart.
She was right. I could not shake him out of my mind. I found myself sinking as if I were in sand, losing my grip on my lifeline. How did I become so into a man who was not mine anyway? Why did this happen in my life at a time I was progressing and seeing so much success in my life? I could not understand it.
I skipped church and family day on Saturday and lounged around the house. I really didn’t feel like seeing and talking to anyone. I couldn’t fathom pretending to be happy when I was feeling as if I had a hole in my heart. I spent the entire day in my pajamas. I called Mom to tell her I was sick and would see the family the following weekend.
Since it was Sunday and I was feeling so alone, I decided to get into my car and drive to visit an old supervisor. She was easy to talk to and I could say anything to her. I drove the fifty miles to her house. The last time I visited O’Fallon, Illinois was almost a year ago when I went to look at a new subdivision being built. I had thought about moving. Maybe I should have. Moving may have prevented me from going through so much pain.
I drove over many highways and enjoyed the peace and quiet of barren roads. Not too many cars were on Highway 255 South. I had time to think as I took in the fields of grass and large stalks of corn. I marveled at the sun as it beamed on me. I felt a little better as I wondered what I would say to Brenda.
Brenda was a beautiful lady in her sixties. I worked for her about ten years ago and stayed on her payroll for ten years. She was the one who taught me how to run a company and how to keep a staff happy. She always said a happy staff was a productive one. She was right.
Brenda was a beautiful brown-skinned African American who had been married for almost forty years. She and her husband acted as if they could not keep their hands off each other. They were still having sex in their sixties. I knew she could guide me.
As I drove, my mind slowly went into a dream state. Travis was rubbing his hands gently up my thighs. He pulled my thong over to the side and began to gently massage my clitoris. While he was doing that, he took my right hand with his left one and started to lightly suck my fingers. He asked me to pull to the side of the highway and I did. Reaching over, he pulled me close and started to kiss me passionately as his fingers manipulated my vagina. Light moans seeped out of my mouth as he whispered, “This is what we both have been wanting.”
I took my left hand and pushed the button to lay my seat all the way back. My seat nearly lay flat enough to mimic a bed. Then I pushed the knob that lifted the steering wheel. I did all this, but Travis wasn’t having it like that. He released himself from his pants as we kissed. His nearly ten-inch penis popped out of his jeans. I became wetter. Travis pulled me over the cup holder that sat between the seats. He tore my thong completely off and helped to position me on top of him. He gently pressed me down on his manhood. As he entered me I gasped. It was total pressure.
He pumped up into me while French kissing me as we allowed our tongues to dart in and out of each other’s mouths. We were both breathless as he unbuttoned my blouse and removed my breasts from my bra. He sucked and kissed my nipples. “Malika!” he moaned. “You feel so fucking good to me. I knew your pussy would feel like this. Damn, baby, I love you. You know that, don’t you?”
I whispered, “Yes,” as I bounced up and down on his thick penis. I was near climax. “Fuck me, Travis, do it hard.”
With that, he put both his arms under my armpits and pulled me tightly to him, forcing himself deeper up in me. I screamed from the thrusting he was putting on me. “Oh, baby, oh, baby. I’ve been missing this.”
“Yeah, it’s yours, baby. It’s yours!” I screamed while trying to grit my teeth. He was growing in me, both of us humping like it was life or death for us. We pumped hard. Him into me and me onto him! Finally, I screamed, “I’m coming, baby.” We came together. “Damn that was good,” we both said at the same time, out of breath.
I opened my eyes and found I was parked on the side of the highway with my thong in my hand. I screamed loud and prayed. Thank you, Lord, for not allowing me to kill myself.
I was so overcome with lust and love that I was hurt and confused. Please help me before I lose my life or kill an innocent person while having these blackouts. I don’t want to hurt like this anymore. Please, Lord, let me love and lust for the man you blessed me with. And, thank you, Lord, for pulling my car off the road because I certainly don’t remember doing it myself. Amen.
I pulled back into the highway and arrived at Brenda’s home safely. I got out of the car and rang the bell. Brenda opened the door widely. She was so excited to see me. Her smile was as wide as the opened door. She clapped her hands with excitement.
“Hey, lady, how are you?”
“I’m okay.”
“I was so excited to get the call that you wanted to come by. Come on in. I made some tea for us.” I followed her into the kitchen and we sat at her oak wood table with the countryside blue and white kitchen curtains and tablecloth. Her home was so beautiful and tastefully decorated.
“I love coming here. It is so beautiful. I love how you decorated the place.”
“I had to find a place that was comfortable and homey. Since we retired, I am loving it.”
“I can see you’re so happy.”
“And you’re not. What’s wrong?”
I told her everything about me wanting Travis and about our plans to date, and how I always blurted out, “I’m not getting into bed with you.” Pushing him away every time by making it seem that all he wanted was sex from me.
Brenda told me about being emotionally involved with someone. She said that Travis and I were emotionally connected, which was pretty bad in itself.
“Malika, an emotional affair is any infidelity that occurs through feelings or thoughts. Now with technology the definition of cheating has been expanded to include the traditional definition, plus the feelings and/ or thoughts that comprise emotional infidelity. Look at it this way: cheating now includes having intimate conversations with someone while on a cell phone, meeting someone over the Internet, and sending inappropriate e-mails while maintaining a close, personal relationship with someone other than your spouse.”
“I’m not in love with Travis. I just needed him.”
“There is a difference between a physical and emotional affair. While the emotional affair may include meetings, it usually does not include physical contact. These affairs are committed via e-mail, texting, and talking on the phone. However, the physical affair is face to face and involves physical touching and kissing. Trust that an emotional affair can definitely lead to a physical one. Emotional attachments are very difficult to let go of because they start within the mind.”
“Why is it so difficult to let go?”
“It becomes psychological. The end result is that the unfaithful spouse is paying more emotional attention to someone other than their partner, and they are removing themselves from the commitment they made to their marriage. That’s why it is so hard. You are actually mentally bonded with another.”
“I see. How do I get myself back?” I asked as I twisted my hair into a circle.
“Stop seeing the person and pay more at
tention to your husband.”
I agreed with her. We spent the next hour talking and laughing. We reminisced about the past and joked about other things. I enjoyed spending time with her. I felt uplifted.
Chapter 23
A Change is Coming!
It’s been said that the mind is so strong and powerful that it can make itself do anything. Almost a week had passed since my visit with Brenda. Although I felt like I was getting stronger, I still had good and bad days. Often my mind flowed right back to sexing Travis. I found myself walking around with his dick imbedded in me. I realized that was a problem, but thinking about him stimulated me so. But really every day I became stronger. I didn’t think about Travis every day, but so much reminded me of him. When I heard a man laugh or giggle, I remembered. When we ate certain foods, I remembered the lunches. When the computer crashed or something happened at work, Felicia called Travis and he sent another worker. Still though, Travis benefitted me. When feelings of Travis overcame me I’d go and talk to my husband. Really just doing that helped me.
I continued putting out to associates and friends that I was searching for another opportunity. Although I could’ve very well started my own company, I’d rather have worked with other folks’ money. It would take a lot of worry away from me because I could always go home to my life if the bottom fell out.
Tonight, I prepared a special meal for Dexter. I sent my son to be with his granny while I tried to get my marriage back on target. I prepared a big seafood feast with oysters. When Dexter and I were dating we always ate oysters believing they stimulated sex. Today, they’d just serve as a good way to talk. I just wanted some quiet time with my husband. I wanted to strengthen our marriage. I planned to fuck my husband tonight. I wasn’t interested in making love. Dexter had it coming.
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