I Haven't Dreamed of Flying for a While

by Taichi Yamada

* * *

  After eating out, we returned to the apartment. I picked up the Colt Pocket Automatic Model M for the first time and it sent a shiver down my spine. Just possessing it was a crime, which could lead to arrest and even a custodial sentence. Like a lump of dry ice in my hand, I couldn’t wait to put it down. But at the same time, I didn’t want her to see me drop it too quickly. Nevertheless, I held on to it for less than twenty seconds before putting it back down on the bed.

  ‘Simply put,’ I said, ‘armed robbery is a dull idea.’

  Mutsuko was trying to balance a glass, a teacup and a bottle of whisky on the cardboard box in front of the sofa. But the top of the cardboard box was less than sturdy, and the teacup and glass looked as if they might tip over at any moment. Mutsuko was trying to flatten the surface by hitting the cardboard box. ‘Are you listening? I asked.

  ‘I’m listening.’

  Her response sounded very mature, but her actions didn’t seem fitting for someone with sixty-seven years of life experience. Don’t get me wrong, though — I don’t mean that in a nasty way. In fact, l found it quite endearing. It’s just that she would have never acted in such a way when she was an old woman. She certainly wouldn’t have considered armed robbery. I guessed she must have been adapting to her new youth more adeptly than I’d realised. Or was she? After all, on the first night when Mutsuko was an old woman, it was she who proposed we talk sex across the partition. You could say that it was a lot more radical for an old woman to propose that than a young one. So maybe she really hadn’t changed so much at all.

  ‘Wouldn’t it be better to rest all that on a newspaper?’

  ‘I don’t have any newspapers.’

  ‘A magazine would work.’

  ‘I don’t have any magazines, either.’

  ‘What do you do when you eat here?’

  ‘I don’t.’

  ‘How about when you drink whisky?

  ‘I leave the bottle by the sink, make a whisky with water there and bring it over here.’

  ‘Let’s do that, then.’

  We went over to the sink together and she let me use the only glass there was, as if it were perfectly normal. Perhaps that is the value of a sixty-seven-year-old woman. But then again, maybe that’s exactly what a young girl would do too. It’s not as if I knew much about young women.

  ‘Listen. I’m not trying to talk you out of it. But, of course, I guess I would say that. Anyway, I want you to know that I’m not saying this for moral reasons or out of fear. Well, maybe there’s some fear. It’s just that I think armed robbery is… kind of pitiful. I mean, it’s not as if we need the money. It’s just that you want to use the pistol.’

  ‘Are you going to suggest that I go up into the mountains and shoot it there instead?’

  ‘I’m not saying that. Look, don’t take me as a fool. I’ve dropped too far out of society to think that. And I’ve experienced plenty of the pain that comes with the fall, so there’s not that much stopping me from rebelling against society. I’m going to drink this.’

  ‘Go ahead.’

  Without ice, it felt like a cheap drink. It didn’t even taste good.

  ‘How about we walk into a cinema without paying,’ I said, proposing an idea that had been playing on my mind. ‘A cinema? she said, as if in disbelief.

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Sneaking into a cinema instead of staging an armed robbery?’

  ‘I asked you not to take me for a fool. Let me finish.’

  ‘Okay.’

  ‘We flash the pistol and walk in through the front entrance. If anybody tries to stop us, we can shoot the window or something and prove that the gun is loaded with real bullets.’

  ‘And we watch the film?’

  ‘Of course not. If we did that, a bus would arrive to take us away.’

  ‘Not a truck?’

  ‘It might be a truck.’

  ‘A truck would be better. Policemen piling out of a truck.’

  ‘But the police won’t have the chance to arrive in a truck or bus. We’ll simply rip one poster off the wall and escape out of the back exit.

  ‘So it’s just a game.’

  ‘A game if we get away with it. But a crime if we get caught. It’s easier said than done. We’re going to take a pistol out in public. That alone will be nerve-racking. To shoot it will be even more daring. Think about it… what would you do if the audience at the cinema noticed the shot? If they came running out into the foyer? We’d have to make sure not to shoot anyone. So we’d have to fire a shot into the ceiling. It would cause a panic. People would faint. To find the back exit in a situation like that may well be tougher than succeeding in an armed robbery.’

  ‘Are there any back exits in cinemas?’

  ‘There must be.’

  ‘Isn’t the end of the foyer usually just the toilets?’

  Now that she mentioned it, I got the feeling it was.

  ‘And even if there was a back exit, it would probably be locked.’

  My plan was falling apart just like that.

  ‘I was thinking that there would be an office at the end of the foyer, and that there would be a door that opened up to the side street.’

  ‘Okay, let’s do it,’ she said.

  ‘But there probably isn’t a cinema like that.’

  ‘That’s okay. We’ll have a pistol on us. We can leave from anywhere we want.’

  ‘What if the only way to leave without a key is to go through the front entrance? We’d be forced to go back through the panicking crowd.’

  ‘We’d have a pistol on us. Nobody would challenge us. We’ll just have to do it quickly and disappear before the police arrive.’

  ‘That’s true, but—’

  ‘What time is it?’

  ‘Eight forty-five.’

  ‘Let’s go.’

  ‘Now?’

  ‘Well most of the performances will end soon after nine.’

  ‘You want to do this tonight?’

  ‘Would you prefer to do it during the day tomorrow?’

  ‘No, but I mean the cinema will still be there tomorrow night.’

  ‘But I might not be.’

  ‘That—’

  ‘—might not happen. But then again it might.’

  Mutsuko picked up the Colt, then walked over and turned the light off, leaving the light from the window and from the room with the sink as the only illumination.

  ‘Shouldn’t we think about this a little more?’

  ‘About what?’

  ‘About… how we should hide our faces, for example.’

  ‘There’s no time for that.’

  She reached out her right hand towards me.

  ‘What?’

  ‘You hold it,’ she said, pushing me the Colt.

  ‘Oh… right.’

  I felt like I was about to grasp a live electric cable, but I didn’t feel I could say no.

  ‘We should hurry.’

  Mutsuko opened the door, then turned off the light in the room with the sink. Becoming nothing more than a silhouette saying ‘hurry’, she dashed off down the stairs. I had no choice but to run after her. I had to think quickly of somewhere to put the gun. I thought of putting it in my pocket, but I was afraid it might go off if I jolted it, so instead I kept it in my hand and held it flat against my chest under my suit jacket.

  Outside, Mutsuko was waiting, immediately trotting off down the narrow hill as soon as l caught up. But why was she making me carry the pistol? This whole thing had started only because she’d said she wanted to use it. Because she’d wanted to shoot it. So why was it me carrying it? Should I tell her to hold it herself, since it was she who wanted to do this? And even if I did, we were already among the crowds of Miyamasuzaka, so I couldn’t just pass it to her on the street.

  Just as when I’d chased her earlier in the evening, Mutsuko moved quickly and determinedly through the crowds. She didn’t seem at all concerned about me behind her, either. In fact, if I’d stopped in my tracks, sh
e’d probably have kept walking and not realised until she reached the cinema. Maybe I should stop, I thought. Surely it was crazy to do something like this without a real plan? And no matter that it was concealed beneath my jacket, the fact remained that I was carrying a pistol. What would happen if I flipped open my suit jacket? If people saw me: a man with a gun running after a woman — that’s how it would have appeared. This in itself was a huge deal, an experience unmatched in my entire life, but on top of that I was about to go and point that gun at someone.

  I wanted to think this all through a little more. If we thought about it, we might not be willing to do it any more. I mean, it wasn’t something that we actually had to do. And, of course, if we were talking only about me, then this was something I didn’t want to do at all. So it was utterly meaningless for me to be holding the pistol. I really needed to give it to her. But where? How?

  We stopped at a red light and Mutsuko suddenly turned round.

  ‘What time is it?’

  I caught my breath as sweat streamed out of me.

  ‘Is something the matter?’ she asked, and I saw a couple of strangers glance at me.

  ‘Eight fifty-seven,’ I said, looking at the watch on my left wrist, then I gave her a smile. When she’d turned round, she’d surprised me, making my hand unconsciously grip the gun tighter. Luckily the safety was on as my finger was on the trigger. If it hadn’t been, I’d have just shot through the shoulder of my jacket.

  Mutsuko and the people around us started walking. Falling one step behind, I quickly followed. I was feeling a little overcome by her assertiveness and by my willingness to go along with it. Up until now, I’d been tolerant of her ego and had made an exception of her in terms of my usual cynicism and general dislike of women. But now as I stared at her back, I sensed the same selfishness I saw in my wife; I didn’t want our relationship to become like that.

  Mutsuko suddenly came to a stop. We were already in front of the cinema. It was the largest or second largest in Shibuya. I had been there a long time ago, but I couldn’t remember what the structure was like inside.

  ‘So, shall we?’ said Mutsuko.

  ‘Yes, but…’ I said, shaking my suit jacket. ‘I need to hand this over,’ I said, keeping my voice down.

  ‘Hand what over?’

  ‘The pistol.’

  ‘To who?’

  ‘You.’

  ‘No, you hold it.’

  ‘But then you can’t use it.’

  ‘I don’t need to use it. I’II leave it to you.’

  ‘Leave it to me?’

  ‘It was your idea. You can use it. You go ahead of me.’

  ‘Huh?’

  ‘You go first.’

  ‘But—’

  ‘It would be strange if a woman went first.’

  ‘I don’t think so.’

  ‘Look, we’re wasting time, debating like this. The film could end soon. And this’ll be much more difficult once loads of people are coming out.’

  I had no choice but to head for the entrance.

  Women were like that — crying out for equality one second, then hiding behind the man and nudging him in the back the next. And she’d said it was my idea! Well, maybe it was, but I only suggested it to stop her from committing armed robbery, not because I wanted to do it. And the ticket counter seemed to be closed anyway, so there was nobody to collect tickets.

  ‘There isn’t anybody here,’ I said.

  ‘There,’ said Mutsuko from behind me.

  There was a man in the corner of the lobby standing on a stepladder and reaching for the ceiling. A woman who appeared to be assisting him was standing below him.

  ‘Looks like they’re changing a light bulb.’ said Mutsuko.

  ‘What should we do?’

  ‘What?’

  ‘What should I say?’

  ‘What do you mean, what should you say?’

  ‘Well, I can’t just go over there, flash this at them and say we’re heading to the back, can I?’

  ‘What do you want to do, then? It’s no good asking me.’

  If this was what she was like, I don’t know if it really was the husband’s fault that they got divorced.

  ‘Yes?’ came a voice from the distance. It was the woman by the stepladder.

  ‘Is there something I can help you with?’ she asked, her voice raised slightly.

  ‘Um, no. Will the film be ending soon?’

  ‘In about five minutes.’

  ‘Oh, right, it’s okay then.’

  I stepped outside.

  ‘What are you doing? Mutsuko chased after me.

  ‘We have to think of something else.’

  ‘We could go to the office. Rob the day’s earnings and run.’

  ‘We can’t do that.’

  ‘Then what do you suggest?’

  ‘I’m thinking.’

  ‘Well, people are going to be streaming out in about five minutes, so you had better think fast.’

  ‘Me? Why is it down to me?’

  ‘You didn’t like my idea. So it’s only natural that I ask your thoughts.’

  ‘Hey, I was the one who didn’t want to do anything!’

  ‘Why are you bringing that up now? I only did what you wanted to do!’

  I started walking towards the entrance again.

  ‘What are we going to do?’

  I didn’t know what to do, but I felt it would be better to do something than to keep arguing or to do nothing. I walked into the lobby and headed straight for the man and woman who were putting away the stepladder. They noticed me coming towards them and looked in my direction. I immediately pointed the pistol at them. Both of them looked completely confused.

  ‘This isn’t a model. It’s real,’ I said. ‘If you don’t believe me, I can shoot something.’

  I glanced around quickly to find something I could shoot.

  ‘We believe you. You don’t have to shoot anything,’ spluttered the man.

  He was tall, thin and young, and I was surprised by the tension in his voice. I hadn’t imagined that people would believe that it was real so easily. I thought we might have to go through some frustrating, pointless exchange.

  ‘You believe me?’ I asked, in spite of myself.

  ‘I do.’

  ‘Yes,’ nodded the woman, who was standing there looking like she didn’t know what to do.

  ‘Fine then. Go to the end.’

  ‘Huh?’

  ‘To the end. You go first.’

  ‘By end you mean…?’

  ‘Over there?’

  ‘There’s only the bathroom down there.’

  ‘I know that. Both of you go first.’

  ‘What’s the matter, Kobayashi? came the thick voice of a man from behind me.

  I pointed the pistol in the direction of the voice and a fat middle-aged man in a suit stopped in his tracks about ten metres away.

  ‘Don’t move. Or I’ll shoot.’

  Suddenly I was pushed hard from behind. I staggered.

  ‘Call 110!’ screamed the man behind me.

  I stumbled forward two or three steps, then caught my balance and turned round. The man and woman were running towards the end of the foyer. I pointed the gun in their direction and pulled the trigger. Fortunately, the safety was on. I had been half aware that it was, and that it was better that way, and I then turned towards the middle-aged man — catching a glimpse of his back as he ran into the office near the entrance.

  ‘Let’s get out of here!’ Mutsuko screamed. Of course, it was obvious that was what we needed to do, but instead I headed in the direction of the man and woman.

  ‘Over here,’ shouted Mutsuko. But I ignored her and kept running in the same direction. The man and woman weren’t out in the hallway. They’d probably run into the bathroom, and as I ran I kept my eyes on the walls, reaching out for a poster when I got to the end of the foyer.

  ‘We don’t need it!’ I heard Mutsuko cry out behind me. My hand slipped and I couldn’t
grab it. It was kept inside a glass case. It would take time to lift the glass casing off and remove the poster, so I turned back, bumped into Mutsuko and said, ‘Excuse me,’ immediately noticing how panicked I must have been to say such a thing at a time like this. By now, there was nobody in the lobby and the door to the office that the middle-aged man had run into was closed.

  We ran through the front entrance and out into the street, then headed for Miyamasuzaka. I almost bumped into several people. Then, suddenly realising that I hadn’t hidden the pistol, I quickly shoved it under the front of my jacket.

  We got to the top of the hill and looked for an alleyway. To get back to Mutsuko’s place, we realised we’d have to cross the road, but there was no way we could risk waiting at a red light. I looked around for an alleyway in which to hide, but I couldn’t see one anywhere. So I wondered if it might be best if we just kept running. At least that way we could get further away.

  ‘Wait,’ came Mutsuko’s voice. ‘I can’t run any more.’

  ‘But it’s turning green,’ I called back, trying to encourage her, then I made for the pedestrian crossing at the top of the hill. Mutsuko staggered after me, holding the side of her stomach. But we couldn’t afford to take a break. Not yet. I ran over the crossing, then turned round and waited for her. Once she’d crossed over, we headed down a hill and looked for a dark path. I made a left turn, then jogged down a back street with Mutsuko calling out ‘Wait!’ behind me.

  It was okay if she trailed behind until I found a place for us to catch our breath. But I couldn’t find anywhere that would do. Instead I found an empty lot with a big tarpaulin covering the side facing the road.

  ‘Here!’ I turned and gestured to Mutsuko, who was still trailing behind, then I peeked in through the corner. It appeared to be the site of a house that had recently been demolished. There was still a small bulldozer taking up about a quarter of the area. I checked the street and saw no one.

  ‘Let’s go in,’ I whispered to Mutsuko, who was now in earshot. But she ignored me and went right by, still holding the side of her stomach.

  ‘Don’t you want to rest?’ I said, chasing after her.

  ‘We can be at my place in less than a minute,’ she replied sharply.

  We weren’t as close as she said, but moving as fast as we could, we reached her place about three minutes later.