I Haven't Dreamed of Flying for a While

by Taichi Yamada

  From the morning of my third day back at home, I began leaving the house, saying, ‘I’m going to look for a job.’ Neither my wife nor son responded at all.

  I walked through Shinjuku, Shibuya and Ebisu in search of Mutsuko. And when I couldn’t find her after a week of searching, I started spending most of my time in the outdoor café in the high-rise in Shinjuku where I’d taken pictures of her not so long ago. My walking around had done no good, so I thought that I ought to stay in one place and see if she might come to me.

  So there I was in mid November, sitting staring at a fallen leaf. Assuming that Mutsuko started feeling ‘sluggish’ around the end of August and she had woken up to find herself younger again at the end of September, that would make her now… what? Ten? Six? … Two? If the length of time she had at one age was about one month now, I wondered if she might even have gone through a second transformation at the end of October; in which case, perhaps she wasn’t even any longer on this earth.

  I tried to console myself — telling myself that there was no way I should assume that her body was sticking to any kind of pattern. After all, it was possible that she could just show up suddenly, looking just the way she did before — in a sweater and coat and with a big smile on her face. Exactly like the girl who had just walked past me down the path to the station. It was possible that she could appear in front of me as a woman in her twenties, as a girl of seventeen or eighteen, or as a woman in her forties. She could even have returned to being a sixty-seven-year-old.

  The fallen leaves that day were beautiful. They reminded me of the film Portrait of Jennie, starring Jennifer Jones, and that reminded me of Mutsuko. I was amazed I hadn’t seen that connection earlier. It was a story of a young girl who appears in front of a poor painter one day and grows into a beautiful woman in a short time. Then she is swept away by a wave one stormy night. It was a tale of how a young girl becomes a woman — an experience every woman goes through — and of a death that came long before its time. The speed at which time passed in the story was very similar to Mutsuko’s situation. There seemed to be something special about Jennie’s existence, and the poor painter who meets her was supposed to be just the rare and kind hearted kind of man who could see that.

  But what could people take from my Mutsuko? What could anybody possibly be able to take from my incomprehensible existence? lf I had indeed been chosen by God to experience this, then surely he’d chosen me while drunk and blindfolded. I didn’t have the right or worthiness to challenge socially accepted values. All I’d done was to selfishly lose myself in an affair, take risqué pictures and to go down on a girl even though she was only sixteen or seventeen. It had never occurred to me to paint a single portrait. You could, of course, argue that I didn’t paint her because I wasn’t a painter. But when you think of the photographs I took instead, they were driven only by desire and never for a moment by aesthetics. All in all, my reaction to this… this miracle had been nothing short of pathetic. I’d derived no revelation from it. All I’d done was felt desire for Mutsuko, become useless, then ended up staring at a dead leaf on a table.

  But I wasn’t getting bored with staring at this leaf at all. Quite the contrary, it was as if it was the first time in a very long time that I’d taken a moment to enjoy a season. I’d experienced the northern Japanese winter, the spring before cherry blossoms, and a hot, humid summer with Mutsuko. But with my mind always occupied with other thoughts, I’d never been able to appreciate the seasons.

  I gently moved my hand along the table towards the leaf. I touched the yellow of it with the tip of my finger and it made me want to embrace its beauty. But I couldn’t. It would be impossible. It being so small and fragile, there was no way I could impose myself upon it. Immediately I knew what I was really afraid of. I was worried that Mutsuko might have regressed to a sperm and an egg. Which of the two would her soul remain in? And was she about to disappear for ever? I got the feeling that this was indeed what had happened to her.

  No. No, I couldn’t let that happen. I pinned the leaf down with the tip of my fingers to keep it from escaping. I watched it wriggle and squirm in the morning sun, but I didn’t let it go. As it moved, I stroked it with the fingertips of my other hand as if to soothe it. And as I did so, tears welled up in my eyes. I had such a strong feeling that Mutsuko was somewhere facing death right at that very moment and that there was nothing I could do about it. It was a feeling that crushed me and made tears trickle down my cheeks. Then I felt as if I was being watched. I looked up, my eyes all a blur. And there, standing a few paces from me, was a small girl.

  I watched her, unable to move for a while. As if time itself had stopped. It was Mutsuko. I guessed she was about four or five years old. She was wearing a dark brown dress with frills on the shoulders and she was looking right at me. Her white skin, her eyes, her mouth, nose, ears — everything about her was small, cute, doll-like and fragile, I felt that she might break at the slightest touch. Her eyes were filled with tears.

  ‘I didn’t know how you were,’ she said in a child’s voice, but with a tone that was unmistakably the adult Mutsuko.

  ‘I know.’

  She came closer. I couldn’t stand up.

  ‘This age is a real inconvenience. It’s hard to walk the streets alone, let alone go shopping. Whatever I try to do, somebody gets in the way. Coming here was really difficult, too.’

  The small girl flashed a cheeky smile at me with tears still in her eyes.

  ‘There’ll be good things about it, too,’ I said, gazing at her.

  ‘For instance, if I pick you up now and nestle your cheek against mine, nobody will suspect a thing.’

  ‘That’s true,’ She nodded, wiping away her tears with cute, tiny hands. Then she smiled at me: ‘Daddy.’ And I swept her up in my arms.

  She was so small and soft, I had to be gentle not to hurt her. I was struck by how terrifyingly light she was. She pushed her lips strongly against my cheek and I felt the clean and generous saliva of a small child. I placed my lips on her cheek as well and drew her face to mine.

  ‘Ouch.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Your beard.’

  Even though I knew that she was the adult Mutsuko trapped in a child’s body, I almost couldn’t help myself saying, ‘Oh, I’m sorry,’ as if I was talking to a child. ‘It’s all right,’ I said instead. ‘Everything is going to be all right now I’m with you. I’ll carry you anywhere you want. We can buy whatever you want. And we can eat whatever you want.’

  Mutsuko sat on my lap and put her arms around my neck. ‘I want to buy some clothes; she said. ‘These are dirty.’

  ‘Then let’s go to the department store. Hey we could… no, that’s funny.’

  ‘What is?’

  ‘I was going to suggest we go on the amusement ride on the roof.’

  Mutsuko laughed and, as she did, tears flowed from her eyes. She put her head against my cheek and cried. I stroked her hair and gently patted her on the back as I walked towards the store.

  I was glad. Glad I was able to see her again. I felt as if I were walking on air and I thought of the ridiculous notions that had gone through my mind. Sperm and egg? How could I have been so dumb?

  As I carried her, she never felt any heavier and I never got tired. And as I felt the warmth of her body, I was filled with happiness.

  ‘How did you manage to buy these clothes on your own?’

  ‘Well, did you notice how they’re too big?’

  ‘Are they?’

  ‘Yes, they’re a little big on me.’

  ‘Well, they look really nice on you.’

  ‘I bought a few outfits towards the end of my previous age.’

  ‘That was smart of you.’

  ‘Clothes for seven- to eight-year-olds, for five- to six-year olds and three- to four-year-olds. These are for five- to six-year-olds and they’re a little big.’

  ‘And how about food?’

  ‘I carry a shopping list and cash in hand, so
I can pretend I’m running an errand for my mother.’

  ‘I see.’

  ‘People begin to notice you when you go many times. So I went to different shops all over the place and somehow managed to get by.’

  ‘How about the apartment? Don’t your neighbours notice that you’re there all alone?’

  ‘That’s not an problem. I chose a place where people don’t notice. l chose it when I was in my twenties with that in mind.

  ‘That’s not a problem, but—’

  ‘But?’

  ‘It’s a lot of trouble to go to the bank to pay the rent.’

  ‘I would imagine so.’

  ‘I thought about it a lot, and I was finally able to do it by taking three months’ rent with me together with a letter and explaining that my mother was sick.’

  ‘I see.’

  ‘The most difficult thing is walking through large, crowded areas, like Shinjuku and Shibuya. Those aren’t the kind of places where four-year-olds usually walk around on their own. People always ask me questions when I’m on trains as well. Even when I thought you might show up at a certain place, I couldn’t stay in one place for too long without looking suspicious.’

  A woman walking past looked at us, surprised. It must have been because of Mutsuko’s adult-like eloquence.

  ‘You should probably talk a little more like a child when other people can hear you,’ I said quietly.

  ‘Daddy, you’ve lost weight.’

  ‘Yeah, I’m afraid I have. I gained a little for a while, but I lost a lot while I was looking for you. You’re managing so well, Mutsuko. You’re a good girl. A good… look how small you’ve become.’

  ‘Don’t cry.’

  ‘No, I won’t. Don’t worry, Daddy isn’t crying.’

  At the department store, father and daughter bought clothes, including an overcoat, socks, shoes and a small shoulder bag. Then we chose a restaurant and had an early lunch. It was only a little past eleven and the restaurant was almost empty. The daughter became full after eating just one piece of fried shrimp and seeing this brought tears to her father’s eyes once again. ‘I want to stay at a hotel,’ said my cheeky daughter.

  A plump lady sitting across from us heard her, smiled and said to me, ‘What a cute thing to say.’

  I smiled back, then leaned in to Mutsuko and whispered, ‘Can’t we go to your apartment instead?’

  ‘No, we can’t.’

  ‘Why not?’

  ‘I want a hotel.’

  ‘Don’t trouble your father like that, darling,’ interrupted the plump lady.

  Once we left the restaurant, with me carrying Mutsuko in my arms, she said she was sleepy.

  ‘It’s partially because I’m relieved to see you, but I also just don’t have much energy,’ she said.

  ‘You should sleep. I’ll be like a mobile bed for you.’

  ‘Will you reserve a hotel room?’

  ‘Why can’t we go to your apartment?’

  ‘We can’t.’

  ‘Why not?’

  ‘You, me, us, remember?’

  ‘Fine. I’ll take you to the hotel while you’re sleeping.’

  Trusting everything to me, Mutsuko closed her eyes. As we left the department store, I whispered a question that had been on my mind, though it wouldn’t have bothered me if she was already asleep.

  ‘How long has it been? Since you’ve become like this, I mean.’

  With her cheek still against my shoulder, she responded sleepily, ‘A little over two months.’

  A shudder swept through my body. Surely that meant that she didn’t have much time left. No, if I went by the way things had happened before, then she should have experienced the transformation already. Mutsuko suddenly felt heavier in my arms, meaning that she must have fallen asleep. Could this mean that this was as young as she was going to get? That maybe she might start to grow older again? These were things I’d considered before and now such thoughts were flooding back into my mind. Could it be that Mutsuko had been waiting for me — just like the way a sick person on their deathbed stays alive, barely breathing, until the people they care for arrive? Could it be that Mutsuko, with her small body, had been hanging on until the day she could see me again? If that were the case, then it was no surprise that she’d fallen asleep from exhaustion. She should sleep. Sleep in peace. But the truth was I wanted her to wake up as soon as possible. There were so many things I wanted to talk to her about. So many things I wanted to ask.

  The hotel room we got was on the twenty-fifth floor. Unlike the views at the other rooms we’d stayed at, from this one you could see a baseball field and an elevated road against a back ground of several skyscrapers.

  I gently laid Mutsuko down on the bed. How small she was. To think that she’d made a transfer at the bank, gone shopping for food and lived alone with these cute little feet, those tiny hands and that little body, made me want to hold her tight, and I stood there looking down at her for a while, trying to resist the temptation to do so. I placed a blanket over her, then got down on my knees. I couldn’t take my eyes off this girl’s beautiful sleeping face.

  Twenty minutes later Mutsuko opened her eyes with barely any warning. They looked at me straight away, but at first they were like glass balls. Light gradually returned to them, then she smiled at me. I smiled back and nodded.

  ‘I’m embarrassed,’ she said.

  ‘Don’t be. I’m glad you got some sleep.’

  ‘What floor are we on?’

  ‘The twenty-fifth.’

  ‘Just like the room we stayed in before.’

  ‘Yes, although the view is in a slightly different direction.’

  ‘You’re right.’

  When she sat up, the bed looked even bigger.

  ‘I’m surprised,’ I said.

  ‘About what?’

  ‘How pretty you were at every stage of your life.’

  ‘It feels like I’m looking at old photographs,’ she smiled. ‘I’d forgotten I looked like this myself.’

  She sounded like a very precocious girl talking confidently like an adult. But I found it intoxicating.

  ‘Will you draw me a bath?’

  ‘Of course,’ I replied and walked to the bathroom and began to fill it up.

  While it was running, I stuck my head out into the bedroom and saw Mutsuko standing by the large window looking out. She was small. A beautiful, extraordinary creature, and I felt something like pity constrict my chest. I think she sensed I was watching her and I saw her draw in a breath to speak.

  ‘I’m sorry… so sorry,’ she said, ‘but please understand… I have to go.’

  My mind went blank for a moment, as if suffering concussion.

  ‘Where?’ I said.

  ‘I have no time.’

  ‘I’II follow you anywhere.’

  ‘Don’t be so difficult.’

  ‘I’m not being difficult.’

  ‘I don’t have the strength to hit you and leave you like before.’

  ‘Why would you leave me?’

  ‘I want to. I need to. You and I, we can’t sleep with the same dreams. This is the same. It’s something I have to do alone.’

  ‘But what’s going to happen now?’

  ‘I don’t know, but it’s probably what you are expecting.’

  ‘It might not be.’

  ‘I know it will. I was praying to God. To wait until I could see you again. Even if just for a moment. Now I’ve run out of strength. I’m feeling it again.’

  ‘No. I don’t want to leave you alone.’

  ‘Don’t do this, please. Let me go quietly.’

  ‘Will we meet again?’

  ‘I’m sure.’

  ‘But where?’

  ‘I don’t know. This is the first time for me to experience this, too. I’m afraid of what’s going to happen.’

  ‘Then let’s go through it together.’

  ‘No. The one thing I know is that I can’t take you with me. Just like I don’t know wha
t will happen to me after I die. But I do know that I will die.’

  ‘I don’t want to hear you make connections like that.’

  ‘Look, I have to go. Don’t say anything more.’

  ‘But I want to spend at least one night with you.’

  ‘I said I’d be satisfied if I could see you for just one moment. This time together was more than I asked for.’

  ‘Why tie yourself down like that?’

  ‘I have to. Because if I don’t, I know something irrevocable will happen.’

  ‘What kind of thing?’

  ‘I told you, I don’t know! I don’t know, but I feel it.’

  ‘I don’t want to be separated from you for ever.’

  ‘Please let me go. I have to go.’

  She looked at me with determination in her eyes. And though I could have protested more, I accepted her wishes.

  Our relationship had been one based on miracles. One in which I’d been made to feel my own powerlessness. I’d known we were dealing with destiny. Dealing with something that couldn’t be controlled by people. That’s how I felt. Or was it merely how I was being made to feel? It seemed the only thing I could do was to make peace with and accept this. And as these thoughts went through my mind, I could feel my body being drained of all strength and going limp, like a marionette released from the hands of a puppeteer.

  I got down on my knees and a cry escaped my lips. It sounded like a sob, but tears didn’t fall from my eyes. I was too crushed to even cry properly. I didn’t want to lose her. Seeing me like this, she came to me and placed her small hand on my bowed head.

  * * *

  As the autumn sunlight drew long shadows and bathed the city in late-evening colours, I held Mutsuko in my arms. As if we were father and daughter, we walked out of the hotel, along the walkway and towards the street.

  ‘Let me down,’ she said.

  And I should have done so. That had been our promise, after all. But instead I carried her all the way down to the street where people were passing by.

  ‘Let me down here,’ she said.

  ‘Why do you want to leave so soon?’ I moaned quietly, unable to help myself.