Letters to My Ex

by Nikita Singh

  So there. Three Tinder experiences, all fairly normal (I’ve heard horror stories) and my lesson at the end of it – I’m not ready to date. I don’t have the time or energy to go out and look for a connection. And there’s no rush. Also (I probably shouldn’t say this, but oh well) it’ll be very hard to find someone as amazing as you. What we had … talk about chemistry and passion.

  I try not to think about it, but sometimes my thoughts get away from me. I remember how we were with each other. It was as if we were custom designed to work together. We were a team. You had everything I needed, and vice versa. Together, we had everything we could ever need. Like they say in cheesy movies, we completed each other.

  Some mornings, I wake up and it takes me a second to remember that you’re not here anymore. (I know, I know, my fault.) And I wish I could just go back to sleep and things could go back to normal. Before I broke off our engagement, or even before that, when that night with Anamika happened…

  But then I remind myself why we are where we are. We could never work. There’s a reason why it has to be this way. It’s heartbreaking, every time I think of you, but this is the reality we have to live in, and I have come to accept that. Just sometimes…

  These checklists and arrangements sound so stupid compared to the intensity of what we shared. I’m in no rush to replace that.

  June

  ABHAY: Hey. Are you there?

  NIDHI: Hi!

  ABHAY: What are you up to?

  NIDHI: Working on some templates for an Instagram campaign we’re launching

  ABHAY: Oh, very cool. Excited?

  NIDHI: Yes … I mean, mostly

  ABHAY: Uh-oh

  NIDHI: I know. It’s not that serious. Just little problems with some people at work

  ABHAY: Wanna tell me about it?

  NIDHI: Do you really wanna hear it? Is that what you want to do with your time at 11.29 p.m. on a weeknight?

  ABHAY: Can’t wait!

  NIDHI: Haha, well okay, so I work really hard, and I try to make sure that I never lose drive, I always try to keep a student mentality and be better at everything I’m doing for this company, but even after giving this job everything I have, I sometimes feel so fucking underappreciated at work

  ABHAY: By your boss?

  NIDHI: No. My boss loves my work. She always praises everything I do, and gives me hard projects to work on. I love that. I’ve only been here a few months and they’re already trusting me with bigger projects. It feels great

  ABHAY: Then who are these people making you feel underappreciated?

  NIDHI: Just bitches at work

  ABHAY: Whoa!

  NIDHI: No, seriously. People in customer service and office admins, they think that their job is so much more important than mine. Because I spend most of my time either with a camera, shooting around the city, or when I’m in the office, I’m mostly working on designs on Illustrator, or editing videos, or posting on social media – apparently, digital marketing isn’t a real job

  ABHAY: Are you serious? This coming from people in customer service?

  NIDHI: I’m serious. I’m tired of the snide remarks about how easy I have it, and how my work doesn’t matter. Like yes, I get it, your work involves day-to-day operations. If something is broken, you get it fixed. If you don’t, it remains broken, which is not good. I get that. It’s more immediate, with more of a sense of urgency. And my job is more about looking at the big picture, thinking about ways we want people to look at us, expanding our demographic and reach, building audiences and giving them good content. Our day-to-day operations won’t stop if I didn’t work, but considering that it’s not a very big company, and I’m the only person handling digital marketing, I’d say my job is important

  ABHAY: Hey, even if you had a team of people working together and you were one of them, your job would still be more important. Their jobs will be taken over by robots eventually. We would be able to feed preprogrammed problems and ways to resolve those problems and with a click of a button, things will work again. They are just part of the machinery, they can be replaced

  NIDHI: Wow. That’s mean!

  ABHAY: Haha! Well, it’s the truth. If no one does your job, no one knows about the company, the company doesn’t grow and slowly fades into oblivion. Your job requires a brain, and ideas, real skills. Not just a fact sheet. You don’t have to read from a manual and match answers to customers’ questions all day. You get to do cool shit all day. Making things, and also making a real difference. They’re just jealous

  NIDHI: I appreciate you taking my side, but you don’t even know them!

  ABHAY: I don’t need to know them. I know the type. Also, whose side are YOU on?

  NIDHI: Hahaha, you’re right. I should just say thank you

  ABHAY: You think?

  NIDHI: Thank you!

  ABHAY: Okay, better

  NIDHI: I’m sorry for piling all of this on you. I’ve just been really frustrated. The other day, the bosses were away, at a conference, and this admin girl came to peek at my computer screen and asked me what I was working on. Like, bitch, we’re not even in the same department. Our jobs NEVER intersect. Why do you need to know what I’m doing at any given point in time? And last week, I was taking some photos for the website, and this one co-worker was in my frame. He didn’t realize that because he was on the phone on a work call, so I asked him very nicely if he could just move a couple steps because he was in my shot, and this girl Tina was like, ‘Yes, Tushar, move. Nidhi is doing a photoshoot. It’s IMPORTANT’ with special emphasis on important. I mean this is literally my job. Can you please back the fuck off? I don’t know why they behave like this towards me. I’m always friendly with them. I have never gone to any of their desks and asked them what they’re working on. Why is it okay for them to ask me that?

  ABHAY: Maybe there’s nothing else going on in their lives. Maybe they’re just bored. Or dissatisfied with their jobs … or overworked, and then they see you working on such cool projects, having so much fun. I don’t think this is about you … it’s just them

  NIDHI: I don’t know about that… It feels personal. They’re nice to everyone else

  ABHAY: Well, okay, then let’s say it IS personal. Why does that bother you? Do you like them, or want their approval, or … what?

  NIDHI: I think … it’s because I feel like I really tried. See, in the beginning when I first started working, I was kind of a mess. With everything that had happened with us, and this being my first job, I was all over the place. It was nice to meet new people. They were nice to me and I liked them. But then I started hearing gossip about who said what to whom about me, and I stopped talking to them. Not STOPPED stopped, but I was just friendly, never sharing anything that happened outside of the office. I guess that made me a little standoffish. But then week after week, it was such a weight on my shoulders to keep people at arm’s length, always walking on eggshells, measuring my words. So then I decided to fix this. I extended an olive branch. I was more open, and friendly, I was nice to everyone and I thought I was making real progress, but then things keep happening and I realize that this is a futile mission. I can never do anything right

  ABHAY: Okay, so you tried, and it didn’t work. You tried being friendly, you tried giving them space – nothing works. Sounds like it’s time to readjust your expectations and move on. Don’t expect them to like you or be nice to you. And don’t expect a lot of happiness in your workplace. It’s okay. I feel like sometimes we tend to put a lot of pressure on ourselves to make sure every single aspect of our lives is perfect. But that can’t always happen. It would be great if you could go to work and be carefree and relaxed, everyone got along with each other. But that’s not the reality. You can’t control other people’s behaviour, and you’ve already tried hard enough. Time to accept it, try not be bothered by it and move on

  NIDHI: Ugh, I hate when you’re right about stuff. How did you get to be so wisdom-ous?

  ABHAY: My wise-ness comes fro
m never caring what people think. Don’t get me wrong, you’re definitely a better person because you care so much, but I’m happier because I don’t

  NIDHI: Truth. But also, easy for you to preach – EVERYONE LIKES YOU

  ABHAY: I can’t deny that

  NIDHI: You better not. You’re the boss’s son. They have to like you

  ABHAY: Also, I’m likable

  NIDHI: And I’m not?! MEAN

  ABHAY: Hahaha! You said it, I didn’t

  NIDHI: You insinuated it. Anyway … how’s work for you? Probably not as dramatic as mine?

  ABHAY: Yeah, can’t complain. We’re working on this big project, and I’m sort of buckling under the pressure, but I’m doing an okay job of pretending to be fine/under control. I shouldn’t even be talking to you right now

  NIDHI: Why?

  ABHAY: I should be working. But I’m done for the day. It’s after midnight, I’m calling it a day

  NIDHI: Hmm… Why are you talking to me?

  ABHAY: Oh, right. I saw you online, and have been meaning to call you. Thought it would be less aggressive to text and see first

  NIDHI: Call me about what?

  ABHAY: Prashant’s wedding

  NIDHI: Oh, that’s next month! I totally forgot about it

  ABHAY: That’s what happens with destination weddings, I guess. Out of sight, out of mind. It’s in a few weeks and there are no preparations happening around. Until we fly to Jaipur and suddenly, BOOM, another world

  NIDHI: True. Knowing his family, the wedding is going to be a BIG deal. I don’t know if we’re prepared for what we’re walking into

  ABHAY: Hahaha I know I’m not. There’s definitely going to be elephants and rifles … maybe even tanks

  NIDHI: Tanks is a bit extreme, but I wouldn’t be surprised. They’re very Rajput in their ways

  ABHAY: Yep. So I was going to ask you how you feel about the wedding. I mean, we both have to go

  NIDHI: I know. I thought about it too. We can’t not go … and also, I think we’re in a good place, right? It won’t be awkward

  ABHAY: It will be a little awkward

  NIDHI: Why do you say that? I mean, yes, the history, but I thought we were okay

  ABHAY: We are, but it’s a wedding … and also, I don’t know how to say this, so I’m just going to say it. I’m seeing someone. It’s only been a month, but we like each other, and I wanted to ask her to come with me. But only if that’s okay with you

  NIDHI: If I said it’s not okay with me, would you not bring her?

  ABHAY: If it’s honestly not okay with you, yes, I won’t bring her. I wouldn’t like to put you, her or myself in that situation

  NIDHI: That’s very sweet of you. But yes, it’s okay with me. It’s been six months

  ABHAY: It has

  NIDHI: We knew that we would move on with someone else

  ABHAY: Yes, but that doesn’t mean that you have to be 100% comfortable with that. It can be awkward at first. And I think that’s okay. It’s natural, expected. As long as no one gets hurt

  NIDHI: No one will. I’ll be on my best behaviour

  ABHAY: I don’t doubt it :)

  NIDHI: So, tell me about her. Where did you meet her?

  ABHAY: Are we really doing this?

  NIDHI: You’re right. That’s probably taking it too far. Although, if you’re happy, I’m happy for you

  ABHAY: I know, I appreciate that

  NIDHI: It was good to see you the other day. I have mixed feelings about everything we talked about. Not sure if it helped you… But it was an important conversation and I’m glad we got it out of the way

  ABHAY: I think so too. It did help, for sure. It’s easier to try to move on when you have reasons to, and you know what is happening and why. Talking to you did give me some clarity. And made me stop playing such a victim and take responsibility for my role in it

  NIDHI: I don’t hold you responsible. It just wasn’t meant to be, I guess. I’m glad that it’s behind us

  ABHAY: Me too. It’s definitely getting easier

  NIDHI: Yep. The awkwardness has also definitely lowered significantly, which I’m glad about. It feels as though we’re slowly reversing the damage … or maybe moving past it and building something new. A kind of friendship, where it’s easy. There’s history that makes it complicated, but we’re still being adults about it, and I’m proud of us for that

  ABHAY: Look at us, being adults

  NIDHI: When you first texted me tonight, I didn’t know what to think. It was strange for a second. We hadn’t decided to be friends (or to not be friends) and you know how my brain makes decisions for me and I like to follow them, as opposed to letting things happen organically and seeing how I feel. So I wasn’t sure why you were texting me or what we would/wouldn’t talk about. But I guess curiosity won

  ABHAY: Hahah! So you’re talking to me just out of curiosity. Nice. Makes me feel special

  NIDHI: You know what I mean!

  ABHAY: I do. I wondered about it too. But then went for it. It’s really hard to explain why. I’ve thought about this. It sounds so tricky, texting your ex, especially so soon after the breakup. I mean, it has been half a year, but considering how long we were together, it’s very little time. Also, we didn’t talk at all for the first three months, or face the situation head-on, so it feels like a very short time has passed since we got any closure as they call it

  NIDHI: Agreed. Then what made you text me anyway?

  ABHAY: We had to talk about Prashant’s wedding sooner or later. And the last time I saw you, we left things in a good place … I tried to just trust that we’d be okay being adults about this and deal with the situation

  NIDHI: Oh, so much faith in us. Adulting has proven to be hard so far, but I feel like we’re doing a better job at it now

  ABHAY: I agree. And I’m glad too … about where we are now. This is … not that hard. When you first left, I didn’t think I would ever be able to have an actual conversation with you again

  NIDHI: I know what you mean

  ABHAY: Especially one where we can talk about things like we used to, with the same comfort level and familiarity … but without all the pain

  NIDHI: I know. I felt the same way. Telling you my work woes was a good idea then? Breaking the ice?

  ABHAY: Haha! Yep. Effortless. Nicely done

  NIDHI: You’re welcome

  ABHAY: No, really. It’s so you to care so much, and try, and also at the same time be totally frustrated and slightly exaggerate things. But also at the same time, when I take your side and talk shit about them, you have to run and take their side and defend them

  NIDHI: They’re not here to defend themselves! It’s unfair!

  ABHAY: You’re ridiculous

  NIDHI: You already knew that

  ABHAY: Yep. It was nice to rediscover that tonight though

  NIDHI: It was nice to have you on my side (before I switched sides)

  ABHAY: I wasn’t surprised

  NIDHI: I really wish things were better at work, but you’re right. It’s okay if things are not perfect in all spheres of my life, all the time. So I’m gonna try to live with it. Thanks for your wise-ness

  ABHAY: You’re welcome. Being so wisdom-ous is a privilege and a responsibility

  NIDHI: Okay, now you’re making less and less sense. Time for bed

  ABHAY: Time for bed. I was slightly worried about how this conversation about the wedding would go. But thank you for making this easy

  NIDHI: Of course! I’d hate to make it difficult. I’ve made many things difficult enough already

  ABHAY: No, please. Both of us, we need to stop trying to place blame on ourselves. Past. We established that. Let’s move forward…?

  NIDHI: Let’s.

  ABHAY: Good. Same page. Glad

  NIDHI: Your wise-ness is showing again

  ABHAY: Hahaha. It’s a curse

  NIDHI: Apart from being a privilege and responsibility? That’s a lot

  ABHAY: It
is. Sometimes my neck hurts (cuz my brain is so big)

  NIDHI: That’s from a movie

  ABHAY: Dammit

  NIDHI: Hahaha, okay, we should go zzz now. I’ll see you at the wedding, and we’ll make it not awkward

  ABHAY: Deal

  NIDHI: Goodnight!

  ABHAY: (Already zzz-ing)

  July

  Dragging her suitcase behind her, Nidhi walked out of the airport, the glass doors parting for her. She set her handbag on top of her suitcase and pulled out her cell phone. Someone named Sumi was supposed to receive her at the arrivals gate. She mentally prepared herself for awkward small talk and how do you know the bride/groom questions. There were going to be a lot of those this weekend.

  But of course, that wasn’t going to be the hardest or most awkward part of her weekend. No, that would be being around Abhay. And his new girlfriend. Nidhi had been taken aback when he’d told her about the new girl, but obviously, she’d behaved as if she didn’t care at all. But how couldn’t she care? Now that she’d had more time to adjust to the news, a part of her was genuinely happy for him. However, there was no denying that there would be some amount of discomfort and awkwardness between the three of them. But overall, they’d all be able to make it out alive.

  She looked around, searching for Sumi. Maybe she should take a cab to the hotel, but then she would have to let Prashant know to coordinate with this Sumi person, who might/might not be waiting for her. Her thumb hovered over the call option on her phone, just as the thought of turning around and going back home flitted through her mind.

  ‘Nidhi!’ Prashant called out to her from between the crowd of people assembled to receive their loved ones. Damn it; too late.

  Nidhi put on a smile. ‘Oh wow! The groom himself. I am honoured,’ she exclaimed, shuffling towards him, bags in tow.

  ‘Yeah, only the best treatment for my most special guests.’ Prashant smiled broadly as he hugged her.