I tried to cover my laughter with a cough. “Stop it. I like meatloaf,” I whispered.
Kathy came through the kitchen and called out, “I made meatloaf. I hope you like it,” as she walked by. I glanced up at Levi, he had his hand over his mouth and was pretending to gag. I glared at him but cleared my throat to keep from laughing.
“Meatloaf sounds great. My mom liked to make it too.” I managed to reply, sounding normal.
“Do you get back home much?” she asked.
I actually hadn’t been home at all since school started. Levi glanced over at me. I guess he hadn’t noticed I never went home or if he did, he didn’t ask me about it. “No. I haven’t had the chance to make it back yet.”
She glared at Levi and in a huff said, “You’ve got her working every Saturday, and now she can’t go see her family.”
“Mom, she can take off work anytime she wants. It’s not a big deal,” he replied, closing his eyes. I knew his patience was wearing thin.
“Well good, there you go, Katie. You heard the boss. You can take off anytime you want.”
I smiled at the way she got on to Levi like he was still a kid. He shook his head. “Let’s eat. I’m starving.”
I appreciated the way he changed the subject for me. I didn’t really want to get into why I didn’t go home. Levi caught my eye and winked. Yep, he knows me oh so well.
We sat at the kitchen table and ate our lunch. It was really good and I complimented Kathy on her cooking. She smiled and looked pleased that I said so.
“Tell me about your family,” she said sweetly.
“Well, my dad’s name is Paul and he and my mom, Lisa, have been married for over twenty years. I also have a younger brother named Asher. We’re just a regular family- kind of boring actually.” Good grief, who am I kidding? I wondered if that sounded as rehearsed to them as it did to me.
Kathy smiled. “Oh, I bet you are a great big sister. How old is he?”
I froze. The few people I told that I had a younger brother never asked how old he was, not even Levi. I was about to drop a bomb on him and hoped he didn’t put it all together. I swallowed and tried to calm my nerves. “He’s seven months old,” I answered softly.
Levi had been taking a drink when I said it and got strangled. He coughed a few times and his mom looked over at him. “You okay, son?” He nodded his head as he wiped his watery eyes. “Wow, seven months old. How old are your parents? If you don’t mind me asking.”
“Mom,” Levi cut in.
Crap! It’s too late to turn back now. “I don’t mind, Levi. They’re both forty,” I said and tried to muster up a smile, but failed.
Kathy obviously had trouble processing this news. “Bless your parents’ hearts. A baby is a lot of work at twenty, let alone forty. I’ll be sure and pray for them.”
I managed a smile this time. “I’m sure they would appreciate that.”
I finally worked up the courage to glance over at Levi; he was staring out the kitchen window. That’s not a good sign.
We finished our lunch, and I helped Kathy clean up while she had Levi repair some things around the house. When everyone was done, we said our goodbyes with another round of big hugs from Kathy.
She kissed me on the cheek. “I’ll be praying for you too, sweetie.”
“Thanks, I appreciate that.” I’m sure I’ll need it shortly.
I was so ready to get home and ball my eyes out. Lunch had been a total disaster, and I knew the day was about to get worse.
“Your mom is really nice,” I said on the drive to my apartment.
“Yeah, she’s great,” he said but kept his eyes straight ahead.
We were back to the awkward silence and it was a long ride home. I kept my emotions in check and knew not to ask if he was upset with me, because that would just bring unwanted questions.
He pulled into the parking lot of my apartment building and turned off the truck. Still staring straight ahead he asked, “Can I come in?”
“Of course,” I replied but didn’t bother with a smile, he wouldn’t see it anyway.
As we went inside, I told him I wanted to change out of my dress. He didn’t say anything, just went and sat down on the couch. I slipped into the bathroom and brushed my teeth before going to my room and throwing on a pair of shorts and a t-shirt. I moved slowly, dreading what I knew was coming. I sat down next to him on the couch and turned to face him.
He finally looked at me. “Why didn’t you tell me your brother was just a baby?”
I shrugged my shoulders. “You didn’t ask.”
He crossed his arms over his chest and chewed on his bottom lip. I’d never seen him do that before, and it scared me. “You know what I think is weird? Most women I know that are around babies, talk about them all the time, but not you. You have a tiny baby brother, yet you never mention him.”
I swallowed and found a scrap of courage to reply. “I’m not most women.”
He grunted. “Yeah, I’ve noticed.” His voice sounded hard, and I knew this was going to be an uphill battle.
Get it all out, my love. You already know.
I took a deep breath, preparing myself for heartbreak. “Levi, just say whatever it is you have to say,” I whispered.
“All right, I will. I finally put a few things together. Like you don’t ever go home, you don’t ever talk about your family, and I remember your reaction when you first started working with Sydney. At the time, I couldn’t figure out what it was about her that bothered you, but now I know. It was because she was pregnant. It hurt you to see her belly. Asher isn’t your brother, is he?” he asked in a deceptively calm voice.
I looked into his eyes and with a steady voice answered, “No. He’s my son.”
He stared at me in disbelief. Anger and hurt washed over his face. “Why didn’t you tell me? You said you loved me. How could you lie to me about something like this? You have a child!” he yelled.
“Why do you think I kept pushing you away? I didn’t want to fall in love with you. I wanted you to find someone else, but you wouldn’t and then it was too late- I was already in love with you. I thought maybe I could finally be happy, move on and make a real life with you,” I said as tears streamed down my face.
He didn’t cry. His face looked hard, like stone. “So you were just going to let me marry you and hope I didn’t figure it out. You’ve lied to everyone about him, haven’t you?”
“I had to, but I was going to tell you, I promise. I was just waiting for the right time. I was so afraid I’d lose-”
He stood up, cutting me off. “I gave you the chance to tell me. What part of tell me everything about you and Seth, did you not understand?” he shouted as he towered over me.
I jumped up on the couch, my face almost even with his. “I had to lie to everyone. Seth couldn’t find out about Asher. Please, believe me.”
His jaw clenched, and I prayed my words were getting through. “Even me? You could have gone to the police and gotten a restraining order against him. I think the real reason is you didn’t want a child, so you left him with your parents and moved on. Seth was just an excuse. I loved you, Katie, how could you do this?” he said as his tears started to fall.
Loved, he said loved- past tense.
I reached out for him, but he dodged me. “I can’t do this. You aren’t who I thought you were. I’m done. No, we’re done.”
He walked to the door, opened it and was gone without a look back. I ran to the doorway and yelled out his name, but he ignored me, just like in my dream. He got in his truck and drove away. I closed the door, collapsing onto the floor. I welcomed the panic attack as it began. I deserved to drown in my misery after everything I’d done.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Levi was gone, and he wasn’t coming back. The rest of that Sunday, I was a wreck. I had a terrible panic attack that lasted into the evening, but I wouldn’t take my medicine. I just let the panic take me under. When it was finally over, I dragged my sweaty, exhau
sted body to the couch and slept.
When I woke up Monday, I felt like I’d been run over. My entire body hurt, along with my heart. I didn’t go to class, didn’t shower, and didn’t eat. I just lay on the couch and sobbed until there were no tears left. I felt the fingers of depression reaching out to pull me under for good, so I closed my eyes and did the only thing I knew to do. I prayed like I’d never prayed before. I poured out my heart and gave God all my pain: the pain over the one man I’d truly loved and lost, over the boy I’d foolishly trusted, and over the blond- haired, blue-eyed monster that continued to haunt my dreams. I gave God all my shame too: the shame I felt for the mistakes I’d made and lies I’d told, but mostly for abandoning my son and Him. I asked Him to forgive all my sins. Sins, that for so long, I thought didn’t deserve forgiveness. As I lay on the couch open to God and unafraid, I felt a peace come over me. It was a peace like I hadn’t felt in a long time.
I thanked God for sending Levi into my life, even if it was just for a short time. Levi had showed me that I mattered to God. That He loved me no matter what, and waited for me with open arms to come back to Him. I remembered the words Levi had said at the bonfire after he asked me to church. God misses you, Katie. I remembered his uplifted hand as he praised God next to me Sunday after Sunday and the way he prayed over me when I was scared or hurt. As I remembered the worn pages of his Bible, I knew what I needed to do.
I got off the couch, showered and got dressed. I got in my car and turned to the Christian radio station Levi always listened to. A song began to play that I didn’t recognize, but when I heard the words, I gasped. They struck my heart like an arrow. I sat in the parking lot and listened to the song. It was called “Never Beyond Repair” by Everfound. When it was over, I sat stunned and thought about what Levi might say about it. God will use whatever He can to get your attention. He loves you and wants you to know that He’s here for you, no matter what you’ve done. I couldn’t hold back the tears that fell from my eyes. This was God speaking to me through a song.
I dried my eyes, said a “thank you” to Him and drove to the book store. I made my way through the aisles knowing what I was looking for. I finally found the right section and smiled. I rushed over and picked up a new Bible. I held it to my chest as a tear rolled down my cheek. I paid for it, not even concerned at the strange looks I received from the clerk as I clutched the Bible tightly to me and cried. I spent the rest of the evening studying God’s word and praying for guidance in my life.
***
I got up Tuesday and went to class. I still missed Levi, but knew God would heal my broken heart as time passed. I loved him so much and prayed for his heart to heal. I didn’t know what God had planned for his life, but I knew it would be something great even if it didn’t include me anymore.
I went to work, unsure how I would react when I saw Levi, but he wasn’t there. I was disappointed, yet relieved. I knew God had given me more strength than I’d ever had, but my heart still ached for Levi almost constantly. I finished out the workday and went home. I felt like God wanted me to do something. I had an idea of what it was, but I had a lot of praying to do first. I sat on my bed and opened my Bible.
“Show me, Lord. I’m ready for whatever You want me to do,” I prayed out loud.
I turned to a verse I knew well. It was Philippians 4:13 “I am able to do all things through Him who strengthens me”. I smiled as I thought about how many times I’d repeated that verse to myself while growing up. I felt the Lord lead me to John 16. I read the whole chapter but when I read verses thirty-two and thirty-three, I knew I had my answer. “Look: An hour is coming and has come, when each of you will be scattered to his own home, and you will leave Me alone. Yet I am not alone, because the Father is with me. I have to tell you these things so that in Me you may have peace. You will have suffering in this world. Be courageous! I have conquered the world”. Tears of joy fell from my eyes. I knew what I had to do. I spent some time reflecting on my life and made a new plan.
I picked up my phone and with a shaking hand, dialed a number I knew so well. “Momma, I’m coming home,” I said when she answered the call.
I didn’t want to tell her over the phone what I had decided to do, so I only told her that Levi and I were no longer together and that I’d be home on Thursday.
When I woke up Wednesday, I called the college. The semester would be over soon, so I asked to take all my finals that day. The counselor agreed, so I got ready and headed to school.
I barely finished all my exams in time to grab a quick lunch before I went to work. I took a few deep breaths when I parked my car in front of the office and repeated Philippians 4:13 to myself. I walked through the door with a real smile on my face.
Sydney was behind the counter. “Hey, Katie, what are you so happy about?” she asked with a smile.
I laughed. “I’m excited about some things God is doing in my life.”
She beamed at me. “Oh, that’s awesome. I’m so glad for you.”
I glanced over at the hallway. “Is he here today?”
Her smile fell and a sorrowful look crossed her face. “Yeah, but he’s not doing very well though.”
I bit my bottom lip to fight back the tears. “Do you mind staying a little longer? I need to talk to him.”
“No I don’t mind, sweetie. Go talk to him.”
I repeated that verse in my head again and walked to his office. The door was closed, and I found that odd. He’d always kept his door open. I knocked and when he answered, I noticed his voice sounded strained.
I open the door and stepped into his office. My heart broke all over again when I saw him. His clothes were wrinkled, like he had slept in them, and he had dark circles under his eyes. He hadn’t shaved in a while either and was well on his way to having a beard.
I closed the door behind me and took a deep breath. The way he looked tore me up inside. I looked into his eyes and saw so much pain. I took a step towards him, but he held his hand up and shook his head. I put my hand on my chest, covering my heart as he ripped it out again. He’s never going to forgive me. I felt tears sting my eyes. I tried to fight them back but a few slipped out.
“I’m not here to beg you to come back to me. I just wanted to thank you for showing me the way back to God and for letting me love you. I’m going back to Springfield tomorrow. I’ve got some things to make right, and I don’t know when I’ll be back,” I said, my voice sounding hoarse.
He surprised me and smiled. “Katie, that’s wonderful. I’m going to keep praying for you. God’s going to give you the strength to handle whatever comes your way.”
It really is over for good. I’d held out a tiny bit of hope that Levi would come back to me, but I could now see that wasn’t part of the plan.
Tears streamed down my face. “I can’t stay here today. Will you apologize to Sydney for me? I’ve got to go,” I said as I fled his office. I ran past the counter and out the door to my car. No one followed me out as I got in and drove away.
When I got to my apartment, I packed several suitcases since I didn’t know how long I’d be gone. I changed my mind about waiting until the next day and loaded my car up for the drive home. I kept my Bible on the passenger seat and listened to Christian music as I drove the two hours home. I watched the beautiful Tennessee country side roll by and felt surrounded by the Lord’s spirit, and I was unafraid.
***
I made it to my parents’ house by late afternoon. I didn’t even reach the front door before it opened and both my parents were standing there. I rushed into Mom’s open arms as my tears immediately started to fall.
She hugged me close and kissed my cheek. “I’m so glad you’re home,” she said, her voice sounding thick with emotion. After a moment, she released me and it was Dad’s turn.
He pulled me in for a tight hug and kissed the top of my head. “I missed you, pumpkin.”
They led me inside and as I looked around, I realized everything was the same here, nothing ha
d changed- nothing but me.
“Where’s Ash?” I asked, trying to focus on the reason I was there.
Mom smiled. “He’s asleep in his crib. It’s about time for him to wake up. Why don’t you go on up and see him. We’ll put your bags away.”
I dashed up the stairs, ready to see my sweet boy. I opened the door to the nursery and crept over to his crib. There he was, my beautiful Asher, asleep on his belly. I saw his perfect little pouty lips and reached down to lightly touch them. He opened his eyes and rolled over onto his back. He smiled when he saw me, his chubby cheeks calling to me for a kiss, and my heart melted. I picked him up, held him close, and inhaled his sweet baby scent. His blond hair stood up on top of his head. I ran my hand over it, savoring the silky soft texture.
He lifted his head from my shoulder and touched my face. He babbled for a second, but said something that sounded a lot like “momma”. I smiled and felt a gentle tug in my heart. I knew he was just making noises, but it still felt good to hear that name come from his little lips, even if he didn’t know what it meant.
I said the words I’d never allowed myself to say to him. “Yes, Asher. I’m your momma, and I’m not going to hide it any longer.” I cuddled him to me and he giggled. “I love you so much, Ash,” I whispered to him.
I changed his diaper and carried him downstairs. It was time to tell my parents what I planned to do, but first, I had to tell them the one secret I’d kept from everyone- except Levi.
I sat them down and told them what happened to me at that New Year’s party. I told them it wasn’t Seth but still wouldn’t say who. They were upset but took it better than I thought they would.
Dad told me they already knew more had happened than what I’d let on. He finally told me what Dr. Baird said to them after my first appointment, when they were alone in his office. He told them I’d suffered more than physical abuse, that I’d probably suffered sexual abuse or rape too but wasn’t ready to talk about it. He assured them eventually I would.
I apologized for not telling them sooner, and they said they understood. Then I told them about my relationship with Levi, going to church again and finally finding my way back to God. They were happy for me. I told them Levi knew the truth about Asher, and that he’d broken up with me because I’d lied about it.
Katie's Glimpse (The Glimpse Series) Page 18