“Oh, sweetie, I’m so sorry. It sounded like you two were meant for each other,” Mom said with sadness in her eyes.
“I know, but that may not be what God has planned for us, and I’m okay with that now. I know Levi served an amazing purpose in my life, and I’ll be forever grateful for that,” I said as the tears fell from my eyes again. I didn’t think I had any left, but they kept coming. “There’s one more thing I need to talk to y’all about. I’ve been praying, and I feel that it’s time for me to be Asher’s mother.”
Mom’s eyes grew huge in shock, and Dad swallowed hard. They didn’t say anything for a long time. They just sat there trying to get a handle on what I’d said. Finally, Mom leaned over to Dad and whispered in his ear. I glanced down at Asher. He had one of my knuckles in his mouth and chewed on it as best he could with his one tooth. He was so innocent. He didn’t know the things we did to keep him safe. He just knew he was loved.
I looked up to see my parents watching me. Mom took a deep breath then spoke, “Your father and I did what we thought was best for you at the time. You could barely take care of yourself let alone a baby. Then there was Seth, we were afraid of what he would do if he found out. There was no way we could let him stay in your life or be anywhere near Asher. We know it was wrong to lie and deceive people and we have asked God to forgive us, but we didn’t see any other way. It looked like the best solution then but now, we just don’t know anymore. He needs you and if you’re really ready, we’ll support you in this decision.”
I began to sob. I would never know how hard it was for them to let go of Asher. They’d been his parents from day one. They loved him more than life itself, but they also loved me. This love was so abundant, that they would give all that up to do what was right for us.
“I want to take him back to Jackson. I don’t know how I’ll make it work but with God leading the way, I know everything will be okay.”
Mom shook her head and started crying. Dad got up and left the room. I held Asher to me and prayed out loud. “Help them, Lord. Give them the peace over this that You have given me.”
Mom looked up, reached over and pulled us both into her arms. We sat and cried together until Asher squirmed between us. She pulled away and took him in her arms. “I love you, Asher. You and your momma are going to be just fine,” she said with a small smile.
Dad walked over and sat on the coffee table in front of me. He took my hand. “We knew this day would come. I know it’s going to be hard on everyone for a while but deep down, we always knew this was going to be temporary.” He looked over at Mom, and she nodded her head, urging him to continue. “That’s why we never finalized his adoption.”
“What? You never adopted him?” I asked, stunned.
He shook his head. “No. You have full custody and always have. We didn’t want to tell you until we knew you were ready to take care of him on your own.”
I leaned back on the couch and tried to catch my breath. After a minute, a huge smile spread across my face. God really had been working it out this whole time. I just didn’t know it.
“What about Seth? He’s not going to be happy when he finds out and is going to want some answers,” Dad said.
I sat up straight and squared my shoulders. “I know, and I’m ready for that too. I’m not going to be afraid anymore. If he tries to start trouble, I won’t hesitate to call the police.”
They asked about my panic attacks, and I confessed that I’d had a few and the reasons. I assured them that I could take care of Asher and myself, even if I had another one. I could tell they were concerned, but they let it go.
Dad suggested I stay until the weekend so they could show me how to take care of Asher and I agreed. I didn’t know much about caring for babies. I knew the basics, but doing it all my own was still a little unnerving.
***
I spent the rest of the week feeding, bathing and taking care of Asher by myself. My parents were there if I needed help, but I didn’t ask for any. I knew I had to be ready to handle everything alone.
When Saturday morning rolled around, I was exhausted but ready to begin my new life with Asher. We went upstairs and packed a few bags for him. I decided I would just buy him a new crib once we got home. I had enough money saved from my job and was determined to pay for the things he needed. They had done enough already. Plus, they were going to continue to pay my bills throughout the summer, so I could enjoy my time my Asher. After that, I didn’t know what would happen. If I didn’t find a job that could support us, we’d have to move back home with my parents. Only time would tell what the future held for us, but I was determined to be with my son no matter what.
I ran to my room and grabbed my bag I had packed earlier in the day. Mom had some of his bottles, baby food and formula packed up for me when I got back downstairs. Dad loaded my car with all our stuff. I had to borrow Mom’s car seat but promised I’d get it back to her soon. I had a feeling I’d be seeing a lot of my parents on the weekends.
I changed Asher’s diaper and made him a bottle for the drive. My parents spent some time loving on him. When it was time for us to leave, there were lots of tears from me and my parents. I held Asher as we all walked to my car.
“Are you sure you’re okay with this?” I asked Mom.
She nodded her head. “I think I’m going to see about teaching again. I’ll need something to keep me busy, and I really miss it.”
I smiled. “That’s great, Mom.”
I looked at Dad and he just shrugged. “Don’t worry about your old man. I’ll be okay, pumpkin. I’m glad to see you happy, and I know Asher is in good hands.” My eyes misted at his words. He gave me a hug and kissed the top of my head. “You are a great mom. Don’t ever doubt it.”
Mom pulled me in for a hug next. She didn’t say anything just cupped my face in her hands, looked into my eyes and gave me a kiss on the forehead.
I loaded Asher into his car seat and slid in behind the wheel. I looked back at him and reached over to touch his sweet face. “It’s a new life for us from now on.”
He giggled as I pulled out of the driveway and headed for our home.
Chapter Twenty-Three
I made it back to Jackson after a pretty smooth trip. I only had to stop once to change Asher’s diaper and get him out of his seat for a little bit. It was early afternoon when I pulled up in front of my apartment. I took Asher in one arm, dug his playpen out of the car with the other and made my way inside. I set it up and placed him inside so I could unpack the car.
After the sixth trip, I finally had everything in the house. Asher started to fuss so I made him a bottle, sat on the couch and fed him. He drifted off to sleep when he was done, so I took the playpen to my bedroom and laid him down inside for his nap. I was exhausted but as I looked down at my sleeping angel, I knew it was all worth it.
I opened a dresser drawer to find an old t-shirt to wear. I wanted to be comfortable while I tackled the huge chore of putting away all the baby stuff. On top of the stack was Levi’s t-shirt. I reached in hesitantly and felt the soft cotton. I pulled it from the drawer and held it to my nose. I inhaled deeply, but it only smelled like the dryer sheets I used. His scent was gone, and I couldn’t hold back the pain and tears that came. I cried as I took my shirt off and slipped his on. As the tears continued to roll down my cheeks, I wondered if my memories of him would always hurt so much. I finally pulled myself together and dried my face on the sleeve. I prayed for strength and feeling resolved, tied the shirt at my waist. There was no time for tears. I had things to do.
I grabbed my phone from my purse and called my parents to let them know we’d made it home safely and everything was okay. I then sent a quick text to Levi, letting him know I was back in Jackson, but wouldn’t be able to work for a while. I apologized and told him it was probably best if he hired someone to replace me. After hitting send, I stared at the phone for a minute but got no reply. I put it down and began working on the tons of baby gear I now had to find a pl
ace for.
I’d just finished folding a stack of baby clothes and piled them on the couch, when someone knocked on the door. I peeked through the blinds and saw that it was Levi. What’s he doing here? I wasn’t ready to see him again.
I opened the door and stepped out onto the small front porch. I quickly shut the door behind me before he could see the mess. I looked up at Levi’s face and noticed he was back to his usual gorgeous self. Gone were the wrinkled clothes, dark circles, and facial hair and somehow, seeing that he was okay made me feel better. He looked like he’d made peace with the end of us.
He looked down at my clothes. “You’re wearing my shirt,” he stated.
I gave him a tight smile. “What are you doing here, Levi?”
He studied my face before his eyes drifted to the sleeve of the shirt. He reached out, felt the still damp sleeve and let out a ragged breath. “I got your text and wanted to talk to you in person. Can I come inside?”
“No. Now is not a good time,” I replied firmly.
He looked into my eyes. “Please?” he whispered.
“Levi, I brought Asher home to live with me.” I watched as a smile slowly spread across his face. Why does he look so happy about it?
“That’s really great.”
“Yes, it is. I felt that God was directing me to raise my son and even though I’m alone, I’m going to do it and not be afraid.”
He reached out and took my hand. It felt warm and so right but I knew he didn’t mean anything by it. “I need to apologize for the...” he started to say, but I pulled my hand from his and held it up.
“Stop. You don’t owe me an apology for anything. I was selfish to let you in my life without telling you from the beginning about Asher. I will always regret that because you are an amazing man, and I wanted more than anything to make a life with you. You are so strong and loved me so much, that I started to see you as what I needed most. I tried to put all my pain and fear on you, thinking it would go away, but when you left it all came right back. That’s when I knew that I’d been leaning on you for strength in my life and not the Lord.” Silent tears started rolling down my cheeks, and I swallowed back the lump that had formed in my throat. I had to be strong and finish this. “Levi, I will forever cherish the time we had together and even though it hurts me, I can let you go now. The Lord is going to take care of me.”
He grabbed me by the shoulders as a tear slipped from his eye. “No, Katie. Don’t let me go.”
“What,” I gasped out. “I thought that’s what you wanted.”
He let me go and wiped the tears from his face. “We need to talk but not out here. Please let me come in.”
I opened the door and let him step past me. I barely had the door closed when he picked me up for a forceful embrace. I wrapped my legs around his waist and clung to him like a child. He rested his head on my shoulder, burying his face in my hair. We held each other tightly, neither one of us wanting to let go and while I was happy to be in his arms again, I still needed an explanation. I loosened my grip on him, and he set me back on my feet. I looked up into his smiling face. “You’ve got to tell me what’s going on here because I’m lost.”
He turned to lead me to the couch but stopped and looked around at all the baby things littering the living room and kitchen. “Good grief, that’s a lot of stuff for one baby.”
“Yeah, I know, and I’ve got find a place to put it all.”
He went to the couch and held up one of Asher’s shirts. “It’s so little,” he said with a look of wonder. He glanced around the room. “Where is he?”
I gestured to my room. “He’s taking a nap in his playpen.”
I moved past him and sat down on the couch. I looked up at him expectantly. After a second, he scooted Asher’s clothes out of the way and sat down facing me.
He took a deep breath and spoke, “I can’t even describe how angry and hurt I was when I walked out your door. I’d already made a decision before I reached my truck. I was going to forget about you and move on. That night, I couldn’t sleep so I got up to watch TV. That movie you love was on and I wondered if you were watching it. I was about to change the channel, when the part where the girl sings came on. It made me think of how you looked that night, singing that same song in front of your TV, and I lost it. I knew I still loved you, and you were supposed to be mine so I let my anger go. I got on my knees and started praying for guidance. God gave me an answer, but it wasn’t the one I wanted.”
I swallowed. “What was it?” I asked, a little afraid to know the answer.
He gave me a sad smile. “The Lord led me to Psalms 27:14- ‘Wait for the Lord; be strong and courageous. Wait for the Lord.’ When I read that, I knew God was working in your life and I had to stay away. It was such a struggle to not call or come see you. When you stopped by the nursery and I saw you, I almost caved. I wanted to chase you down, but I knew I couldn’t. You had to trust God to let Him lead you without me getting in the way. It tore me up, but I obeyed. When I got that text from you today, I started praying and felt a peace come over me. I knew that my waiting was over. So here I am, and now I can tell you that I don’t care what you’ve done. You belong with me forever,” he said as tears streamed down his face.
I bit back a sob and threw myself into his arms. He pulled me tightly to his chest and together, our tears of joy healed our broken hearts. When I pulled away, he leaned down and kissed me gently. I felt his love for me radiate through his lips onto mine.
He rested his forehead against mine and said, “I love you.”
I looked into his eyes and gave him a sad smile. “I love you too, but I have Asher now. It’s not just me anymore.”
He stood up, pulled me to my feet and started to lead me to my room. “I know, so I think it’s time I met him. I don’t want just you. I want him too.”
I came to an abrupt stop, shocked at his words. “H-how can you say that? You’ve never even seen him,” I stammered out.
He chuckled, stepped closer to me and cupped my face in his hands. “When I prayed for guidance, it wasn’t only about you. It was about Asher too. When you told me you were going home, a part of me already knew that you would come back with him. Now, here you both are, and I have no doubt that this is God’s plan for us.”
My heart soared at his words, because I knew right then, that God had indeed brought us together, and we would never be apart again.
We looked over the edge of the playpen as Asher stirred. He rolled over onto his back, opened his eyes and smiled right at us. I glanced up at Levi. He had a huge grin on his face. “Katie, he’s beautiful.”
I smiled when Asher reached for me. I picked him up and smoothed down his blond hair. I turned him towards Levi. “This is Asher Wesley Crane.”
“Wesley, huh?” he said and smiled. “That’s my middle name too.” I grinned at this discovery and knew it wasn’t just a coincidence.
Asher reached for Levi and with no hesitation, he took him in his arms. He held him on his hip and said, “Hey, little man.”
Asher reached his chubby hand up and touched Levi’s cheek. I saw the love already shining in Levi’s eyes as Asher continued to study his face. Asher tried to stick his fingers into Levi’s mouth, but he pulled them away and kissed all over his little hand. He smiled at Levi and began to babble. He ended on a word that sounded a lot like “dada”.
Levi looked over at me, and I shrugged. “He’s just making sounds. He doesn’t know what it means yet.”
I took him back and changed his diaper while Levi watched. “He’s ready to eat. Are you staying for a while?”
“You couldn’t make me leave,” he said as we weaved our way around the bags in the floor.
I laughed and strapped Asher into his high chair. “Okay, we’re looking for baby food. It’s in one of these bags,” I said, gesturing with both hands to the living room and kitchen.
We searched through several when Levi stopped and held up a small jar. “I’ve got peas,” he called o
ut proudly.
“You are awesome,” I said and gave him a peck on the cheek as I took the jar. “These are nasty but Ash loves them.”
“How do you know they’re nasty?”
I popped the top on the jar and tried not to gag at the smell. “Because I tasted them, in fact, I’ve tried all his baby food.”
He wrinkled up his nose. “That’s gross. I’m not trying that stuff.”
I giggled. “You don’t have to. I just wanted to know what it tasted like for him. The desserts are actually pretty good,” I said with a sly grin.
Levi set the bag of baby food he found down on the table and sat down next to Asher. He leaned down to him. “Don’t worry, buddy. I won’t let Momma eat all your dessert.”
My heart melted at the sight of him talking to my son. I never thought it could happen. I fed him the peas as Levi watched. He held out his hand, so I passed him the baby spoon. He wanted to feed him some pears but after he gave him a few bites, he had more on Asher’s face than in his mouth.
He chuckled. “He’s a wiggly little thing.”
“It just takes practice. You’ll get it,” I said as I finished feeding him.
I cleaned off his face and placed a toy on his tray. “That will keep him occupied while I find us something to eat.”
I searched through the kitchen cabinets and fridge, while Levi played pick the toy up off the floor with Asher.
I heard him laugh. “He seems to really like this. I think he’s dropped this block about ten times.”
I went into the living room and found one of his toys that had a suction cup on the end. I walked over to the high chair and stuck it on the tray. Asher’s eyes lit up when he saw it.
“I thought I better come save you. He was just getting started.”
Katie's Glimpse (The Glimpse Series) Page 19