Paper Dolls

by Emma Chamberlain

  If I drowned, she drowned.

  That was the lesson.

  I wasn't sure if she was intending to stress me out but I felt the nerves. My hands shook and I still shortened her a bit. She wasn’t watching too closely. She didn’t have to know.

  “What kind of thoughts are you having?” Avery asked, taking the glass from me and taking a drink.

  She didn’t make a face this time. The taste must be agreeing with her by now.

  I sighed. I couldn’t watch her pretend to understand. Something about her question and tone right now reminded me of Vivianne and I didn't like that.

  I turned to the bottle and poured a small bit in my glass, taking it quick to my lips and gulping without lime or restraint.

  It burned when I breathed now, really burned.

  “Doubts in myself,” I said, staring out away from her at the dark with both hands on the counter so there was no way she could fully see me.

  “What does that mean? What are you doubting about you? That you are good enough, that you can do this, or what?”

  “You know my thoughts,” I said. It was hard to say though. I could never tell if maybe she thought I could just get over them or something absurd like that. “You know my doubts…”

  I took the bottle in my hand and drank from it, sucking a piece of lime right after.

  “Olivia, I’m not sure drinking three quarters of a bottle of tequila will get rid of doubts.” She drank the rest of hers. Maybe to catch up or maybe because she just wanted it gone, and then she stood beside me.

  “Yeah,” I laughed, feeling so fucking better. I took another sip and smiled as it entered. Avery accidentally knocked into me though, or I knocked into her, I couldn’t be sure. I laughed and lost half of the liquid in my mouth amongst my laughter. “But drinking like this will make me insanely horny,” I said, knowing it. I always got extra touchy when I was really drunk. Not that Avery had seen much of that yet. I rarely got drunk with her. It's probably only happened once and I doubt she was super cognate of me then. That was during the dead space. Avery couldn't notice me if I threw a rock at her then...

  She grabbed the bottle from me and took a drink. Jarring me from the memory. I watched as she exhaled through her mouth after she’d swallowed and shook her head in protest of the taste.

  “Are you trying to get horny so you can forget that you doubt yourself or are you just trying to distract us?”

  “I’m just being myself,” I said, stealing the bottle back from her and taking a very generous gulp before laughing again.

  I completely dodged her question.

  Fuck her question.

  “Fuck your question,” I smiled defiantly. By now I was more than sure; I had found the realm I’d been reaching for. My defiance, my lack of care, it came quick. This was a happier space.

  “I’d rather not, thanks.” She scowled and stepped away, going to the other side of the kitchen where there was a wine cooler stocked with bottles and a few assorted drinks. She peered through the glass before giving up.

  “Let me see that.” She stepped over and took the bottle back, took a long drink consisting of three gulps and pushed it back at me.

  I couldn't tell what she was thinking and I hated that. “I don’t want you to get sick,” I said, sort of mad. Why did I have to be thinking about that?

  “I don’t want you to have doubts the night before we get married but we can’t always control things, right?” She said it softly, not with anger.

  Still, it hit me like a slap. My whole body tensed.

  I felt my hand fall down as the bottle accidentally slipped right out and fell.

  The remainder of the liquid inside it began to spill out.

  I dipped. “Oh shit,” I said, trying to catch it and failing.

  I hurried to the ground to pick it up, tears coming.

  Avery swooped in and grabbed the bottle, bringing it back up to the kitchen island and setting it there. After the fall, not much liquid remained in the bottle. Maybe enough for one shot.

  “Babe,” she reached out for me.

  I was on the ground though and I hadn’t the strength to rise. She was right, I had ruined this.

  The alcohol made my limbs a lot heavier than I was used to. With the balls of my feet I pushed my body back into the kitchen Island so I could rest against something and feel a bit of something solid to help me sit up.

  As I rose, Avery grasped my arms and pulled me the rest of the way up, away from the island and into her.

  “It’s okay,” she hugged me and tried to soothe away the upset.

  “It’s not,” I said darkly. She’d just told me it wasn’t. I was fucked up on our pre-wedding night and she wasn’t. What the hell did it mean?

  “I didn’t think you’d be sad,” I said. “I didn’t think I could mar this.” It was true. If I thought the truth would make her sad I would’ve hid it. That’s just what I did sometimes. With Avery, that's just what I did… “That wasn’t my intention.”

  I caught myself slurring. I was shit. I was utter shit.

  “Olivia. I’m not sad.” She pushed me back, making me look at her. “I’m not sad,” she laughed a little. “I didn’t say that because I was hurt or sad. I just said it. It was stupid.”

  She picked up the bottle and handed it to me. “Maybe you should finish this off. I think it might actually help at this point.”

  “You tell me how you really feel and expect me to continue drinking?” I asked. “Yeah, no. Already feel like shit, thanks. Also, if you didn't want me to drink you should've said it BEFORE I drank a whole bottle of something.”

  I pushed into her body and stumbled away from her. I still needed air.

  She’d stopped me from getting air before. She didn’t get it.

  I couldn’t expect her to get it. And I’d ruined this somehow. She was trying to tell me I hadn’t but I had.

  Sometimes I forget that she actually does want the fairytale like Skylar says…

  She didn’t follow me at first and I got to the doors going out onto the balcony and into the night. The waves crashed far below but I could hear them as they crushed the rocks and pounded the cliffs way down beneath me. It was violent. It was Earth.

  I clung to the door-length windows of the house, spreading my back flush against one as I stared out as if taking one step away could mean my death or my rebirth or my anything else, anything but this here with her. I didn’t want anything else. I was screwing things up but she was everything and, despite my behavior, I wanted her more than life. Still, the truth of life called out: the violence, the noise, the predictability, all the harshness and dark.

  Avery came from behind me walking out onto the balcony and going up to the edge to look over.

  “It’s beautiful.”

  She stepped up, putting one foot on the railing and then hoisting herself up. She straddled the railing and swung her other foot over, sitting on the top, a second from death.

  “Places like this make you think about beauty. How can it exist beside ugliness? How can a person do wonderful things and terrible things in the same life? I’ve wondered what would happen if I died. I figured it was just nothingness, ceasing to exist.”

  She looked over at me, her hands braced against the railing, her eyes lit by the moon.

  “There’s something I never told you because it’s one of those things I don’t like admitting.”

  Avery’s balance was very good but she was tempting fate right now, hanging most of her weight into the nothingness below.

  “After the piano I never wanted to die again.”

  “Avery,” I said.

  It wasn’t fair that a life could be so hard.

  I wanted to move but the wind and the dark made me fearful.

  Her precarious position on the ledge terrified me a bit too much. “Come back,” I asked. I could hardly go to her. I could hardly stay. I stumbled out a few steps and stopped. I was actually worried that my presence could somehow make her slip. “Bab
y…”

  I didn’t like this feeling.

  “I’m not in any danger,” Avery said, brave and strong.

  She pitched forward just a little and I froze, but she was only coming back over. She lifted her leg and turned around on the railing, setting her feet back down on the balcony.

  “You have doubts about things. About making promises, about how I see you… I have doubts about myself and if I’m any good for you. That’s just how it is. It doesn’t make me any less insistent that this is the right thing for us.”

  “My doubts are the same Avery,” I gasped. “It’s not about how you see me. It’s about knowing you deserve so much fucking more,” I gasped again, trying to stay still even when I knew it hurt to speak and I had done it.

  “I don’t think that’s true.”

  “Which part?” I asked, nearly stunned by her. Why did she think my doubts were so delusional? So shallow?! I could never doubt in her. She was my everything. I’d told her so much. That’d been all I’d done since we met, since I’d saved her. It hurt.

  The only thing I ever doubted in her was the reality of her seeing me, her knowing me. And I had valid reasons but none that could keep me from wanting her. This was different.

  “I don’t think I deserve more than being with you gives me. You make me feel everything, most importantly real love.”

  She pushed off the railing and turned around, looking out over the land.

  “I want to marry you and you want to marry me. What else matters?”

  She was right but she was wrong.

  “I don’t want to let you down,” I said, feeling it in every fiber and every inch and every vein. “Being not enough for you is so much worse than being not enough for myself, don’t you even see?!”

  The tears welled and I couldn’t chase them. She did deserve better than me. She deserved so much better. She deserved better than this place and this person and this world. She deserved everything.

  “I still don’t see why you’re not good enough for me.”

  “You can’t see,” I said, exasperated. “You can’t see because you can’t see how great you are no matter how much I try to tell you or teach you or show you. You’re the best person I’ve ever met. Do you even understand what that means? I’ve met a lot of people, Avery. I’ve met a lot of people and I have a big fucking head. I have a ridiculous ego and you’re the one. You see me different- as some savior on a pedestal; not real. Just stop and think about all that please.”

  I wasn’t anything special. I knew that now. I knew that. I’ve always known.

  “There are so many fucking people on this planet but I am fucking sure. I am fucking sure that you are the only person here who could mean shit to me. Don’t you get that?”

  “I can’t feel safe. I can’t feel like I could mean as much to you and really know that I mean as much. I can’t think that I can go through life and be this person who gives you the best. There’s no way for me to know that I can be the best for you. And the more I think about it the more I’m sure I’m incapable. I’m so incapable. I’m so deficient and complicated and fucking weak.”

  “Do you realize that I have that exact same feeling? Why are you so worried about being the best. I don’t want the best for me, whatever that means. I want you.” She walked toward me, putting her hand on my chest. “I want you.” Her eyes insisted I at least hear the words.

  “I want you,” I said, feeling the pain in my chest that meant: I will never be good enough.

  My body shook. The ocean roared down below.

  “I want to be the best for you. I want to be the best.”

  She couldn't get it. It wasn’t worth it if I wasn’t going to be the best. She deserved the best. She deserved it so much. What did I deserve? I don’t even know but it wasn’t the best… I couldn’t deserve her…

  “I mean, I get that you think I’m this magical person because I’m supposedly smart and my family’s rich and I can do well on tests and I can play all these instruments and recreate skill like some gifted goddamn monkey. But I’m not good enough Avery. I’m not nearly good enough to make-up for the stupid shit that you should never have had to deal with. I can never be that. There’s no fixing it, no way. I want to be the best but I’m not. I know I’m not. I’m good for you now but there’s better out there. And I want you to have better. I love you so much and I want you so much but I want you to have better than me no matter how much it hurts.”

  “Are you kidding me? You really think that’s how I see you? It’s not your job to make up for what’s happened to me. No one can do that. I don’t want that. You have one real job and that’s to love me. You already do that. You see me.”

  “That is definitely NOT how I see you. You’re missing the point. I see that you really don’t understand how thoroughly you’ve been mistreated by some asshole and your family and everyone else. I see that every person in your life has let you down and I don’t want to add on to that list. I don’t want to be someone who does add some weight to your body and drag you down.”

  “Did you mishear me? I’m saying that I don’t see you as magical or goddess-like because you’re smart and rich and pretty. I know this stuff doesn’t just go away and you’ve been holding it in because it upsets me but I don’t know how you want or expect me to react to it. I can’t be anything but a little upset that you don’t think you’re worthy of me, which is ridiculous.” She looked away for a second and then regained her fire. “And I know so very well what kind of fucked up shit has happened to me and that I didn’t deserve it. Sometimes that fact gets lost in the damage.”

  “I’m already fucking this up,” I said, pinned by the reality of us. I felt the cold glass on my back and I knew it was true. That’s what hurt the most. I knew it was true. “I’m already fucking this up.”

  “You’re not fucking anything up. You’re telling me what’s going on in your head and I’m telling you what’s going on in mine. Doesn’t mean we’re not getting married tomorrow.”

  “You want me to pretend I can ever be delusional enough to think I deserve you,” I said, looking up at her with tears in my eyes.

  “No, I want you to marry me and prove that you do but if you can’t jump with me then you don’t have to. I’m not even sure you won’t wake up in a year and realize that I’m too damaged for you but I’m trusting that because of how we love that it’ll work out and we’re gonna be okay. I don’t want to be without you. I can’t.”

  “I’m gonna marry you. If you let me, I am going to marry you, but that doesn’t mean for one second that I could ever think I deserve you because I don’t.”

  “Well, okay. We’re just going to agree to disagree. I think you deserve every good thing in the world but I’m in love with you. Especially, right now.”

  “You make no sense,” I laughed bitterly, sort’ve pained by her rationalizations. “It’s like you want to settle for less.”

  Chapter 14

  Avery

  “Because I know I’m not settling for less. You are not less.”

  I heaved a great sigh and shook my head. “You see yourself as weak and less than. I see you as amazing, human, crazy, and the only person who can match me like I want to be matched.”

  She was driving me insane with this insecurity but not in the way she thought. I couldn’t even tell you how it worked in my brain. I felt my feelings swell all the more as she kept presenting her doubts.

  “Therein lies our greatest difference. I can’t make you see yourself differently just like you can’t make me see you any differently so we are at an impasse on that. I hope you realize that I’m just drunk enough to fight with you all night long if I have to.”

  “Yeah, well… You should probably just smack me around and shut me up. I’m terribly easy to silence.” She was being truthful but she felt sad about that and I could easily tell. “I like to obey,” she said, troubled. I watched her eyes meet the dark out in the distance, the dark that seemed to spread on and on until it w
as all and nothing at once, so dark and so endless. “Sometimes I think that’s all I’m here for…” She said.

  “You’re not here to obey me or anyone else. What do you want? Just tell me, right now.”

  “I want you but it’s selfish,” Olivia said, all whiny and guilty.

  “You have me. I want you too. I guess I’m selfish too.”

  I wanted to kiss her so badly right now. The breeze whipped through my hair and I had to push it away from my face to see her. She looked so sad and I wanted to make her feel better. I just didn’t know how. These things came from inside of her and I knew those demons were the hardest to defeat.