After Ben

by Con Riley

  He pictured Joel’s confused expression, over and over and over, as he asked, “Morgan who?” before the elevator doors finally slid shut.

  The following morning, “Who the fuck is Morgan?” was Evan’s second question for Theo, right after he asked, “Why are you wearing that?”

  Theo stood in his entranceway, wondering if he were still in his extended, night-long, anxiety-filled nightmare. In that almost-dream, Joel’s first words to Theo after he fired him had been filled with concern. Not for himself—never for himself. And not for Evan; that concern came next. No, Joel’s first words had almost made Theo take his own back.

  Theo had called him into the office, filled with icy fury that Joel knew the kid who had fooled him so completely. Theo was devastated, and lurched from feeling let down to feeling completely incandescent when he saw Joel with Evan. If Joel could meet Theo’s eyes knowing what he did—that he kept from him—who knew what lies he’d spun Evan?

  The Daly kid had been through so much already.

  Too much.

  Not only had he had to contend with a crappy start to life, shoved from an abusive foster home to a group home, but he’d settled into what looked like a perfect family, only to be the one to find his dad’s body. Death was ugly enough when it was expected; Theo couldn’t even imagine how the kid had dealt with his adoptive father’s suicide.

  Thinking that Joel might be a liar, there was no fucking way he could bear to see him anywhere near Evan, not while he had a say in anything.

  That had all made perfect sense to Theo in the harsh light of day.

  During the night, Joel’s voice echoed in his mind relentlessly. It shook as he asked, “Theo, are you all right?” after he’d just been fired. That phrase, and hearing his confused tone as he asked, “Morgan who?” made Theo feel desperately tired.

  When Evan stepped right up to Theo in his own entranceway, his face white and angry, asking again, “Why are you wearing that? Where are you going?” only this time grabbing his tie, shaking it just as a puppy would, Theo blinked.

  “To work. I’m going to work.”

  His confusion and tiredness almost overwhelmed him when Evan shook his head, flicking strands of silver blond hair from his eyes. The kid sighed, then bit his lip and echoed his boyfriend from the day before.

  “Theo, are you all right?” His gray gaze softened. “You do know it’s Saturday, right?”

  Theo shook his head.

  He was starting to think he didn’t know a fucking thing.

  “IF YOU don’t sit still, I will cut you.”

  Theo sat on a kitchen stool, towel wrapped around his shoulders as Evan snipped away at his hair. He wasn’t entirely sure how they had progressed from their awkward standoff in the entranceway to him sitting half-naked in his kitchen. Evan was like a force of nature. To be honest, he didn’t seem all that small anymore. The longer Theo sat as still as he could, the more space Evan seemed to take up. He filled Theo’s head.

  Once he admitted that he didn’t even know which day it was, Evan had taken him to his room, pointed at his bed, and told him, “Sit,” like he was a dog. So he did. He sat and watched as Evan pulled shirts and slacks from his closet, wrinkling his nose the whole time.

  “Where do you keep the clothes you wear on the weekends?”

  Evan huffed a little when Theo pointed at the clothes he had already dumped across his bed. He watched as the blond looked through the pile once more, grumbling under his breath as he did so. Theo was almost certain he heard a “No wonder you can’t get a boyfriend.” If he hadn’t been feeling so miserable, he might have smiled. While Evan did his thing, shaking out shirts and holding them up to the light, he asked Theo so many questions that he started to feel a little lightheaded.

  Laying back against his pillows, he gave Evan heavily edited highlights of the last few months, skipping the parts where he’d got off—coming harder than he could ever remember—to the typed instructions of some fucking kid. He did admit to building a friendship based purely on Internet argument and his own imagination, and he accepted completely that he’d been dumb to build an idea of a person—a partner, maybe—in his head around words typed into his chat box.

  When Evan slumped down onto the bed beside him, asking what the fuck any of this had to do with his boyfriend, Theo shrugged.

  “Morgan told me that he knew Joel. That’s when I realized I was probably around twenty years older than him.”

  “Well, Joel doesn’t know him. He doesn’t know anyone called Morgan at all.” Evan jutted out his jaw, challenging Theo to disagree with him. Theo had absolutely nothing to say. He closed his eyes as Evan insisted, saying, “He really doesn’t, Theo. He’s been racking his brains all fucking night.” He shook Theo’s knee until he opened his eyes. “Why did you give Joel an intern spot, Theo?”

  Theo thought hard before answering. “He seemed like a good person.” Evan agreed, bangs falling into his eyes as he nodded.

  “He is a good person. He’s amazing; he really is. He’s been worried sick, and pissed. Joel’s kind of hot when he’s pissed.” Theo watched as Evan shivered involuntarily before adding, “But most of all, he thinks he’s done something wrong, and he doesn’t have the faintest idea what. It’s not right, Theo, or fair. You should tell him about this Internet guy.” Theo closed his eyes again, sighing. “If you don’t, I will. If someone is saying they know him, and that’s left you thinking he’s an asshole, then he has the right to defend himself, doesn’t he? Doesn’t he?”

  Theo sighed. Evan was right. His own bruised pride had made him lash out. He reached forward, flicking Evan’s bangs to one side. “You really need a haircut.”

  “Don’t try to change the subject. If anyone needs restyling around here, it’s you.” Somehow the progression from bedroom to kitchen had been easy. Evan snipped away at Theo’s hair, explaining that his own style was cool, and Theo could be cool too. While he snipped, he probed relentlessly until Theo had told him pretty much everything there was left to tell. Evan didn’t seem like a know-nothing kid right then. He was an excellent listener, and Theo felt a little better. Still stupid for jumping to conclusions, but slightly better all the same.

  “Go shower or you’ll itch all day. I’m calling Joel. He needs to know this shit.” Evan’s calm pale-gray gaze was firm. When Theo dried off and walked back to his room, he found Evan had laid out an outfit for him—just jeans and a long sleeve T-shirt—and was sitting on the end of his bed, cross-legged, his voice low as he said, “No fucking way!” repeatedly into his cell phone.

  He left Theo to get dressed, then made him bend as he messed up his neatly combed hair into an altogether more relaxed look, adding a little of Ben’s old styling wax.

  “Joel wants to see you.” His stare was firm again. For a small kid, he was very commanding. “You need to tell him yourself that you made a mistake.” It had been a mistake to lose his cool and throw the kid out. It had been a really crappy decision. He felt so badly about it.

  “Okay. I need to apologize to him. I don’t know how to make things right, but I’ll try. I believed someone who I didn’t really know. I should have believed Joel right away. It’s just….” He swallowed, then dragged in a breath. “I really did believe Morgan. I believed everything about him, and now I feel so dumb….” His phone chimed, interrupting him.

  MORGAN: Please talk to me. I miss you so much.

  “Why do you feel dumb, Theo? It sounds like you were really close. He was a friend. More than a friend, maybe?” Theo nodded. “Well, that has to hurt. Caring about people isn’t ever stupid.”

  Theo slumped, looking at his cell phone.

  MORGAN: I need to see you.

  “I must be dumb.” He looked at Evan’s pale, pensive face. “I miss him so much, and he’s not even real.”

  Evan might have been small, Theo figured, but he had so much hidden strength. When Evan hugged him, he held Theo up.

  JOEL was working at the shelter all day. The fact that he�
��d gone from being pissed and shocked at being fired, to helping other people twenty-four hours later didn’t surprise Theo. The only thing that surprised him was the way his interns seemed prepared to forgive the crappy way he’d acted. He found it very hard to forgive himself. He called Maggie while he stood by his car, watching the Daly brothers have a somewhat heated conversation outside his apartment building. Turning away, giving them a little privacy, he apologized the moment Maggie picked up.

  “I’m so sorry. I just… I am so sorry, Maggie.”

  “Theo Anderson, I’m going to kick your skinny ass.” He snorted back a laugh that sounded like choking as his assistant continued, “I’ve been worried sick. Tell me you are making things right with those kids.” Theo agreed that he was. He was going to try, right now. “Now tell me what happened.” He gave her the short version, shoulders sagging as she sighed down the line. “So, you think he’s younger than you? Does that really matter, Theo?”

  “It does to me.”

  “If he’s legal, I really don’t see what the issue is. You got along just fine, didn’t you? You said he was clever, and you never ran out of things to talk about, did you?” Theo huffed, agreeing grudgingly.

  “You should let him explain himself. That might clear up the supposed Joel connection at least. Morgan could still be a friend, Theo. He was so good for you.” He turned back toward the Daly boys, noticing the way Aiden pulled his younger brother in for a tight hug before letting him go. Maggie said, “We all need people, Theo. It doesn’t matter how we find the people who matter to us; it just matters that we hold on to them. Please don’t cut everyone off again. At least talk to Joel.” Theo promised that he would.

  On a day when Theo would have preferred traffic snarl-ups and all the lights to be red to allow him a little more time before facing Joel, they made good time instead. His tall intern was waiting at the shelter entrance, looking grim. Evan ran ahead, catching another hug. Theo took his time, dawdling along the sidewalk as he watched Joel’s face relax. He kissed Evan quickly, then picked him up and squeezed him until Evan’s laugh huffed out. Theo thought they were adorable, so completely perfectly suited for each other. He had no idea why he had worried so much.

  Putting his boyfriend down, Joel stepped up to Theo, his face sliding into uncharacteristic sternness again.

  “We will talk, Theo, but we’re having a crisis here today. I’ll be with you just as soon as I’m free.” He turned away without waiting for an answer, heading for the office where Theo had left Ben’s clothes the last time he visited.

  Ushering him behind the counter, Joel indicated several archive boxes, lids barely able to contain their contents. “While you’re waiting, maybe you could make yourself useful. The accounts are a real mess. Adam will man the front desk. I’ll be out back with Evan.” Theo blinked as Joel walked away without waiting for his agreement. He heard Joel yell, “Adam?” before his voice faded as the door to the break room swung shut behind him.

  Sighing, Theo pulled open the first box. It was crammed full of paperwork. At least this was something he could do. Numbers were so much easier than people.

  “They are aren’t they?” Theo jumped at the low voice behind him. He managed a small smile and nod when he realized he must have spoken aloud.

  “I’m Adam. I have no idea what I’m doing.”

  Theo’s smile widened a bit as he replied, “Oh, me either. I’m Theo. I’m just here to see Joel.” He shrugged, then indicated the papers he’d started separating into categories. “I think this is my penance.”

  Adam sat on the desk and picked up a stack of papers before saying, “Penance? Have you been very bad?” His voice was full of gentle humor. Theo’s eyes flickered toward him, then away again.

  “More dumb than bad, but anyway, you don’t need to help me. I can manage just fine.” He didn’t want to keep the man away from his own work.

  “Oh, we’re all dumb from time to time. Just as long as we take it in turns, things usually work out okay.” Theo could hear the smile in his voice. “I’m not here often enough to have assigned work. I just do whatever I’m asked. I’m a man of few skills,” he added.

  Theo sat back a little, looking at the man as he sorted through papers, concentrating. The line between his brows was particularly pronounced. “Oh, I’m not sure the being unskilled part is true, Adam,” he said. “I saw you here once calming down a fight. You made that look easy enough.” The other man pushed his hand through his very short, dark hair, smiling down into his paperwork.

  “They don’t really want to fight.” His voice was a murmur. “They just want to feel that what little they have left is worth fighting for, you know?” He looked across at Theo, his dark eyes huge, his expression open. “We all have things that we want to hold onto, right? Things that are too precious to let go?”

  Theo guessed that everyone did.

  They got on with their work for a few minutes before Theo spoke again. “I saw you skate once too, with the kids who intern for me. You were good at that too.” He watched as Adam’s pale skin flushed a little before he answered.

  “You saw that?”

  Theo nodded. “It looked like you were all having fun.”

  “It was fun. It was the first time I’d been out… for a while. It was good of Joel to ask me along. I didn’t know the others. I didn’t even know Joel that well. He’s very cool.” He snorted, then added, “Just don’t ever play cards with him.”

  They smiled at each other across the stacks of papers. Adam was a kind-looking man. Theo noticed the beginnings of laugh lines feathering up from the corners of his eyes. They made an interesting contrast to his pronounced frown line. “You cut your hair since the first time I saw you.” The moment the words were out, Theo wished he could haul them back in when Adam’s hand flew up as if he still expected to find long hair. “It looks good short,” he added. After a too-long moment of silence, Theo spoke again. “I’m having another dumb moment, aren’t I?”

  Adam shook his head. “No, not dumb. I just keep forgetting. I started to grow it out as soon as I left home—ten years is a long time. Pops was in the Marines. He used to buzz us every Sunday.” He shrugged.

  Theo thought of his own dad and the good relationship they had. “I’m sorry you didn’t get along.”

  Adam shook his head again. “Oh, we got along just fine. He died. I still miss him something fierce. I just thought long hair was cool. I wanted to look like Keanu Reeves.”

  He wet his lips a little when Theo asked, “So why get it cut?”

  “That’s a tough one to explain. I guess I wasn’t brave enough to keep it.”

  “I’ll just shut up. Honestly, I can’t open my mouth for upsetting people lately.” Theo figured that if all those bruises he’d noticed the first time he saw Adam came from splitting up a fight at the shelter, he must be pretty brave.

  “It’s okay, Theo. It’s good to have someone to talk with. Maybe we should discuss politics while you’re on a dumb streak. What are your thoughts on the economy?”

  They talked and talked and talked as they plowed through the paperwork. At one point Joel returned, listened to Theo’s laughter and Adam’s gently mocking, “Only an idiot would think that, Theo. Try harder,” from the hallway, then turned and walked away, smiling.

  The morning passed quickly.

  LUNCH was eventful. Evan came and rounded them up just in time to each grab a bowl and sit at the communal table. Soup was ladled out, and bread was shared. Theo sat between two men. He didn’t know what to call them. Residents? Hobos? He felt uncomfortable for a few minutes until Adam sat down across from him.

  “How are you doing, friend?” Adam asked the man sitting to Theo’s right. They exchanged a few words, passing a little time together while Theo listened. Apparently the government was responsible for everything that was wrong with the world, according to his neighbor. Adam nodded, listening, encouraging what was more of a lecture than a conversation to continue. Next he turned to Theo�
�s other neighbor. “And you, friend? What’s new?”

  In the office, Adam had been opinionated—extremely so. Every time Theo’s mind wandered, worrying about talking with Joel later, Adam had distracted him. Some of his points of view were amusing, some controversial. He certainly hadn’t agreed in private with some of the things their lunch partners had to say. Theo took the opportunity to look at him properly while the man ate and listened.

  Adam’s skin was incredibly pale—milky white even. Maybe it just seemed so in contrast to his pitch black hair and eyes—and they were incredibly dark, many shades darker even than Ben’s deep brown. He looked slightly exotic, eyes slanted upward just a little like a cat’s, under eyebrows that were two long, neat black slashes. The crease between his eyes deepened from time to time as he listened—a habitual thinker, Theo guessed.

  When he smiled, he looked a little younger than his—what had he said? Twenty-eight years? His eyes flashed across to Theo as he laughed at something said up-table, catching him staring at his dimples. Two points of pink settled high on his cheeks as he concentrated again on his lunch. Theo kept his head down too. Soon it was time to clear away, everyone in a better mood for eating, it seemed.

  Someone brought out a deck of cards. Joel put his hand on Theo’s shoulder before asking if he would stay a little longer until he had some free time to talk. Theo nodded quickly. He wasn’t dreading speaking with his intern quite so much by then. Anyone who could see past other people’s mistakes—and he’d heard stories of theft, addiction, and abandonment of families across the table over lunch—and accept them, would probably forgive him his moment of madness.

  He wasn’t sure if he could forgive himself. He checked his phone quickly. No messages. Palming it, Theo leaned back and stared at the ceiling, wondering if he’d left it too late to message Morgan back. It wasn’t his fault that Theo had accorded their online relationship the kind of emotion average people saved for real life.