After Ben

by Con Riley

  They had fallen in love and acted on impulse, meshing their lives so quickly that he hadn’t had time to consider that there might be a downside to getting together as they had. He remembered his mother asking pointed questions during his first phone calls from Italy after meeting Ben, especially when he didn’t come home as planned before the next semester commenced. He sat in Ben’s parents’ foyer using their phone as his brothers crashed through the front door, full of laughter, challenging each other over some perceived insult.

  “Theo, darling, what do you mean you won’t be coming home?” She’d sounded a little upset, and he could understand that. He always spent time at home toward the end of the summer. Helping his dad around the house and dock had turned into a tradition, and his mom liked to fatten him up before she sent him back to college. “But who is he, Theo? How can you know enough about him already?” She’d sounded more confused than anything else, he guessed.

  “Wait until you meet him, Mom. You’ll love Ben.” Theo had been so sure she would.

  He’d been certain, absolutely certain.

  He didn’t want to think about what her reaction to Morgan might be. Instead, he spent his commute discovering a brand-new appreciation for the way Ben had thrown himself into building a life with him, even when leaving his own family must have been so hard. He appreciated now that Ben might have felt similarly toward him when he’d been younger and idealistic as he did about Morgan now.

  Ben had met him in Milan and then had taken the risk of traveling halfway around the world to be with him. They had fifteen amazing years together, and while that hadn’t been enough—not nearly enough—the way things worked out for them made him see that he and Morgan might be able to build something similar. Not the same—never the same—but something very special, for sure. He could feel it. Maybe that’s why they’d reached for each other on the Internet. Maybe that’s why they’d both struggled so much whenever one of them had withdrawn for a while.

  Yeah, Theo decided as he approached his office, he’d rush into this relationship all right. He’d throw himself into it and take whatever he could get because life really could be too short. He remembered Peter saying the same thing, and when he called him, making it his first task of the day to explain that he’d met someone special, Peter repeated the same phrase again.

  Theo settled down to work, seeing Morgan’s sleepy smile, after he agreed that he’d see him later, every single time he closed his eyes.

  He hadn’t expected to see Morgan quite so soon.

  Ben used to meet him for lunch sometimes. In their early days, he used to stand outside the building, waiting for Theo to finish his morning’s work. He’d grin as soon as he saw Theo, stuffing his hands in his pockets as he hurried toward him. Theo used to watch Ben restrain himself, and would instantly feel the stress of a morning spent trying to master complex financial analysis slip away. Instead of embracing as an average couple might, Ben would rush up, then stop short, smiling, smiling, smiling.

  After Ben broke the ice with Theo’s colleagues at their first company party, he stopped waiting outside, taking the elevator up to Theo’s floor instead, asking after the receptionist’s family while he waited. He’d sit with Theo in the cafeteria, shaking his head at the menu, promising something delicious for dinner.

  If Theo was overwhelmed with work at audit time, Ben would prop open the heavy door of the archive room to give him a little air, then feed him bites of sandwiches while he worked through his lunch hour, concerned at how quickly Theo’s appetite faded whenever he was stressed. By the time Theo had his own office, their lunch dates had scaled down to once in a blue moon, but he often left for his early morning gym sessions with a Ben-prepared lunch in his sports bag, as well as a husky warning in his ear not to forget to eat.

  Morgan didn’t waste any time hanging around outside his office.

  He still looked sleep rumpled when Theo saw him through his blinds that lunchtime, yawning hugely, sitting on the corner of Joel’s desk, flicking paperclips at Evan while Maggie stood next to him looking vaguely pissed.

  Theo opened the blinds a little more, itching to go see Morgan, knowing he could only spare a minute. He’d arrived that morning to an inbox full of urgent e-mails, and he needed to press on until he had at least caught up with the backlog. Maggie caught his eye. She was frowning, her head tilted as she listened to something Morgan said, then shaking her head. Theo headed out, wondering if the two most opinionated people in his life might be clashing before he even had a chance to introduce them.

  “Hey.”

  Morgan’s smile was wide and sudden. Theo recalled Ben then, stuffing his hands into his pockets, forcing himself to keep his hands to himself when they were first around his colleagues. He laced his own fingers together behind his back, the urge to touch Morgan dragging at him like a riptide, making him move almost against his will.

  He couldn’t concentrate on Maggie’s expression—half sad, half happy—as he tugged Morgan by the sleeve over to his office. He didn’t dwell on the way his interns smiled. All he saw was Morgan reaching for his tie, wrapping it around his wrist as he pressed the door shut behind him, then hauling Theo close like he was a sea bass on the end of an angler’s stretched-tight line. He shut his eyes, expecting a kiss, but Morgan’s scruff against his cheek—rubbing, nudging, making his head tilt—sent prickles of electricity through him. When he made space, Morgan shoved at his neck like a cat looking for the perfect place to rub itself.

  “Oh my God, you’re nuzzling me, Morgan.”

  “Shut up.”

  “You are. You are definitely nuzzling me.”

  His deep breath and exhalation against Theo’s neck was so warm.

  “Can you finish up early?”

  Theo laughed, running the fingertips of one hand through Morgan’s too-short hair, wishing it were still long enough to wrap around his wrists. “No, I’ve barely started. What are you doing here?”

  Morgan’s lips were warm, his teeth sharp, his nips and almost-kisses acting as punctuation as he spoke.

  “You said I could see you later.”

  “Morgan, it’s not even noon.”

  “I was just passing by.” Theo snorted. Morgan bit him a little harder. “I was. I had some documents to deliver a few blocks from here. I used your printer. I hope that’s cool.” He let Theo’s tie slip loose, wrapping both arms around him, squeezing him tight. “Did you know that you have absolutely nothing to eat at your place?”

  “Are you hungry? I can send one of the interns down to the cafeteria with you.”

  “I’m good. I just wanted to know what you liked. I can shop on the way home.”

  Home.

  Theo squeezed him back.

  “I like anything that someone else makes,” he admitted. Ben had cooked pretty much everything, and he acted offended if Theo tried to help. Admittedly, he hadn’t ever tried too hard. His diet of the last year had consisted mostly of frozen dinners and bagged salad, or his mother’s mac ’n cheese.

  Morgan sucked, bit, and licked across his throat, making Theo’s legs feel weak, as if he’d been treading water for far too long. He kissed Theo’s neck one last time before saying, “Oh, you’re shit out of luck then. Cooking is such a waste of porn-watching time that I never really learned.”

  Theo snorted, doing a little nuzzling of his own.

  “Plus, it’s hard to keep up with Internet arguments about junk food if you have to keep getting up to chop and stir shit.” Theo couldn’t fault Morgan’s logic. “I would kill for a home-cooked meal.” The yearning in Morgan’s voice was rough and honest.

  All afternoon, Theo thought about that comment, as well as how happy he felt seeing Morgan in the middle of the day. He didn’t care if they were rushing. The way Morgan hugged him so tightly reflected exactly how he felt.

  He made a call, then sent Morgan a message.

  THEO: I’m taking you home for dinner.

  THEO’S car headlights sliced through the dark
ness as they edged around the lake. Morgan sat in rare silence, staring at him. Theo pulled over less than a half mile from his parent’s house, looking straight out the windshield as he spoke.

  “Mom was generally always civil to Ben, but it was pretty clear that she wasn’t happy we were together. I told you all this, right? I’ve thought about it a lot over the years. I used to think that they would get used to each other, then I guessed that maybe they were too similar. Eventually I stopped putting everyone through it and usually just saw my parents on my own.”

  Morgan sat in silence.

  “I think Mom was waiting for everything to go wrong. She thought Ben was too old for me.” He snorted. It wasn’t a happy sound. “You know there were nine years between us?”

  He knew that Morgan could do the math. There were over thirteen years between them.

  “If we’re doing this….” His voice faltered as Morgan’s fingers curled around the back of his neck. Theo’s voice was gruff when he spoke again. “Yeah, if we’re doing this, Morgan, then this time I’m pushing through.” He saw Morgan’s nod reflected on the inside of the windshield glass. They made dark eye contact. “She thought that things would go wrong, and eventually she was right. They did, but only because he died. If he’d lived, she still wouldn’t be talking to him now, and I’d still be watching every word I said, cutting my visits short, feeling like a shitty son and a shitty partner.”

  Morgan’s voice was low. “I can behave, Theo.”

  “I don’t want you to. I want you to be yourself.” Theo was loud, louder than he intended. He shook his head, annoyed with himself, then started again. “I have wonderful parents. They always supported me—who I am—and only ever wanted me to be happy. My mom just couldn’t let me go. I think she saw Ben as judgmental, which was crazy. He was so easygoing. I guess she was just overprotective. She thought he was too old and would eventually hurt me. That hurt all of us, and I’m not ever going to let that happen again.” Morgan’s hand dropped to his lap.

  “I know she’s sorry now. I think she has regrets.” So did Theo. So many regrets for all the wasted time, all the meals tense with unnatural silence. Ben always said that no one would ever be good enough for her Theo, so maybe it was best for him to stay away. He wished now that he had taken Ben with him every single fucking time he made the lonely drive to the lake on his own, if only to have those hours with Ben to remember.

  Morgan squeezed Theo’s thigh before he spoke. “I’m not sure how to do this, Theo. I annoy people. I make people angry, really angry, but I don’t do that shit on purpose.” He looked across at Theo, his dark eyes huge, his long lashes casting shadows across his cheeks. “What if I make things worse between you all?”

  Theo unfastened his seatbelt and leaned over, kissing Morgan until he was breathless.

  “You can’t make things worse. I love my parents, but I choose you, Morgan. The sooner we all get that straight, the better. I choose you.” He shrugged, heat creeping up his neck, glad that they sat in the near-dark. He felt a little choked up that it took losing someone to make him fight for the things that really mattered.

  “I want you, and I want my family, but most of all….” He held Morgan’s hand.

  “Yeah?” Theo loved it when Morgan sounded like he couldn’t catch his breath.

  “Most of all, I want some of my mom’s cooking.”

  When they pulled up outside the house he’d grown up in, they were both smiling.

  HIS mom tried so hard. Theo had moments where he didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. He wished there was a word to describe the bittersweetness of watching her welcome Morgan into their home, trying so hard to make him feel comfortable before escaping to the kitchen. He left Morgan watching the news with his dad, then joined her.

  She grated cheese while he washed and dried the pans in the sink.

  “Morgan seems very pleasant.” She kept her face lowered as she spoke. Theo thought for a moment before speaking.

  “He argues a lot. He can’t cook. He’s as messy as hell. Sometimes he’ll say the opposite of what he believes just to test you. He’s slow to trust but quick to offer help. He has the hugest heart, and he’ll support people—complete strangers—who might turn around and hurt him. Sometimes he’s a little shit, usually right when he needs someone to lean on.”

  His mom stopped grating, looking up, her mouth open in a perfect O.

  “You might as well know right from the start, Mom. I have no idea what will happen between us. I have no idea how long we’ll last or if he even wants something long-term with me. But you need to know this: I want him in my life for as long as he’ll have me.” He sat opposite her, wrapping his hands around her bowl of cheese to stop them from shaking.

  “He’s younger than me. A lot younger than me.” He snorted, then added, “He thinks he knows more than me about everything.” He lowered his voice. “I think he’s probably right.”

  “Theo….”

  “No, Mom. Don’t say anything. I just had to tell you. It’s not like I’m a kid anymore, right? I’m old enough to make my own mistakes. I always was, and I’m more than old enough to recognize a good thing when I see it.” He watched her lips tighten. She looked up, her dark gray eyes mirror images of his own.

  “I think you have a pretty good track record of choosing well, Theo.” She wrapped her fingers around his. They sat in silence until the timer pinged. He watched as she gathered herself before crossing to the stove and pulling out the hot pan that contained their supper. She sprinkled the cheese over its contents, then set it back in the oven.

  “You know, Theo, the older you get, the harder it is to learn new things,” she said with conviction. “But it’s not impossible. It’s true. I even learned to program the delay on the dishwasher.” When she smiled, the years dropped away, and his mom—his mom, not the brittle woman who used to sit across from Ben, watching him as if she expected him to break Theo’s heart at any moment—looked back at him. “Go and tell the boys that dinner will be ready in ten minutes.”

  He went, feeling both lighter and heavier, wishing he’d had the same conversation years before. He was almost certain that they needed to live through what they had already to meet somewhere in the middle, but hated that they’d had to do so. As he approached the den doorway, he heard his dad shout.

  “That is a complete lie. I don’t know where you heard that, but you’re dead wrong, kid.”

  Theo stopped—paralyzed—devastated that he’d built a bridge in the kitchen only to hear his dad kicking one down in the den. He rested his head against the door, face flushed, feeling sick. He hadn’t heard his dad shout for over twenty years.

  “Oh, give it up, old man. Read it and weep.” Morgan sounded absolutely fucking delighted.

  “I will not. I can’t, anyhow. I don’t have my glasses with me.”

  “That’s pathetic. They’re on your head. You know you’re wrong. Just accept it.”

  Theo pushed his way into the room. Morgan wasn’t on the couch where he’d left him. He was perched on a footstool instead, by his dad’s chair near the fire, right where Theo used to sit as a kid. He scrolled on his phone, then thrust it in his dad’s face. Morgan’s smile was beautiful, his skin flushed and his eyes sparkling. Theo found it hard to look away from him as his dad took Morgan’s iPhone, holding it almost at arm’s length before starting to read. His “Well, shit!” made Morgan laugh loudly. His dad joined in, shaking his head.

  For a second, Theo found himself remembering the man at the fair, encouraging marks to chase the ace. He thought the man had used magic. He’d been certain of it when his six-year-old hands couldn’t master what his dad called a simple trick. Theo watched his boyfriend sit at his dad’s feet, mocking him, making him open up, casting some strange spell. Yeah, Morgan was magic all right.

  His voice sounded weird when he told them that dinner was nearly ready. They both looked up, smiling, and Theo wondered when breathing got to be so fucking hard. He motioned for them
to stay where they were, his chest aching, pulling out his cell phone and taking their picture. The image he captured was a little blurred around the edges: Morgan was mid-eye roll; his dad was shoving his glasses back on his head. They both grinned. He’d never taken a picture like it at his parents’ house before, and he was still looking at the digital screen when his dad went through to the kitchen.

  Morgan’s hands were warm—so warm—on his cheeks.

  “Hey.”

  Theo nodded back.

  “We were talking politics.”

  “I guessed.” His voice still sounded weird.

  “I’m so sorry your dad’s such a fucking idiot, Theo.” He kissed him, just a brief pass of soft, dry lips that made Theo sway as he continued. “It does account for a lot, though….” Theo grabbed Morgan and kissed him properly, fiercely, holding him tight, his phone dropping to the couch.

  They held each other up until his mom shouted, “Boys! Dinner!”

  Later, Theo tried to remember if he had ever shared a more relaxed meal with his parents and a boyfriend. Even when he had been much younger and had brought boyfriends home during his first years at college, things had always been a little awkward. He guessed that was understandable. When he brought Ben home with him, his mother seemed to take his inquisitiveness as criticism. It made for meals so tense that Theo found it hard to swallow.

  Morgan set the tone of their first family evening right from the start.

  “This is the most delicious thing I’ve ever eaten.”

  Theo blinked as his mom blushed with pleasure and scooped another serving onto Morgan’s already heaped plate.

  “You need to teach me how to make this. Your son is hopeless, and one of us has to learn to cook or we’ll both starve.” He nodded, then tilted his head toward Theo, adding, “Of course he’s far, far too old to learn now.” Theo choked; his dad shook his head while his mother stared at her plate.