“So, you don’t have a history with your dead brother’s wife?”
“Okay, it’s a little what you think,” I amended. “But he was alive at the time!”
I’m not sure why I thought that was a helpful statement. Edie didn’t.
“And that’s better?”
“No! Shit, I’m …” I raked my hands through my hair in frustration. “I’m fucking everything up, like always.”
“Just tell me what happened.”
“I’m trying!” I shouted.
She took a startled step back, and I raised my hands.
“Shit, sorry. I’m sorry, Edie. I’m freaking out a little bit right now.”
She maintained her distance, but nodded for me to continue.
“Okay, so Elana was married to Gabriel.”
“I got that.”
I gave her an exasperated look. “Do you want the story or not?”
“Sorry.”
I heaved a breath. “Okay, so anyway … I was refurbishing my car in their garage. So I spent a lot of time over there. Elana used to come out and keep me company while I worked. She made desserts, and we’d—”
“Maybe I don’t want to hear this after all.”
Edie crossed the room and sank down on the side of the bed. I followed to perch beside her, and clasped her hand in mine. We weren’t dating, but I didn’t want to lose all hope that we might be someday soon. I was desperate to improve her image of me.
“Gabe and Elana were having some problems. I … was stupid. Elana is beautiful, and we were spending a lot of time together, and …” I shrugged helplessly. “We started kissing.”
“I was so stupid,” I repeated in a whisper.
“She didn’t stop you.”
“No,” I said, unable to look at Edie’s face as I aired my most shameful secret. “She kissed me first, actually. After … um, she said her marriage was over and she had fallen in love with me.”
Edie made a disbelieving sound. I looked up, a rueful smile on my face.
“It was a bit too much too soon. I should have realized then, but … shit. I had a crush on her, and it was all happening in the heat of the moment. I was wrong, I know that, and it only happened the one time. It never would have happened again.”
“You never told Gabe?”
I groaned and dropped my face into my hands. I needed to get a handle on myself. Humiliation rose in waves.
“Never got the chance,” I finally rasped out. Clearing my throat, I added: “Gabe had his accident later that same week. He died, and I never got the chance to come clean.”
Edie gasped. “That’s awful!”
I nodded miserably, turning to grasp her shoulders.
“Edie, I already knew it was a huge mistake. I swear I never would have done it again. I like to think I’d even have told Gabriel. It’s hard to know for sure, but given the guilt I’ve felt.” I nodded. “Yeah, I couldn’t have kept a secret like that. But the timing … who would ever believe me for sure?”
“I do. I believe you,” Edie said softly.
“You do?”
“Of course, I do. Nick, you’re not a bad guy—”
“I’ve felt so guilty,” I admitted. “I haven’t had a relationship since. Every time I try to date, I just get this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. I can’t kiss a girl without—”
I cut off abruptly. Edie didn’t need to hear me feeling sorry for myself. But when I glanced up to gauge her reaction, Edie looked hurt.
“Oh.”
Something about her tone made me realize what she was thinking.
“It was different with you.”
She shook her head. “Look, what happened with me … you were trying to comfort me. It’s probably for the best Sean interrupted.”
“That’s not true,” I argued. “Edie, I like you. Maybe you think I’m nicer than I really am, because I’d never sleep with a girl to comfort her.”
She gave me a skeptical look, and I couldn’t take the doubt on her face.
“I’m serious,” I insisted, leaning in to kiss her again.
She stiffened in surprise, but as my hands slipped up into her hair, she began to melt beneath me. Her lips softened, and her hands gripped my arms.
When I pulled back, her next words floored me.
“You have to tell your family.”
“What?”
My mind was on the kiss. Her lips had been perfect. I already wanted to kiss her again.
“About Elana. You have to tell them what happened.”
“Are you crazy?” I said, jumping up. “I can’t do that. It would break Mama’s heart.
“Nick, you can’t avoid your sister-in-law forever.”
“No,” I said too loudly. “I won’t kill my family with something that doesn’t even matter now. Gabriel is gone.”
My voice broke and I stopped until I could breathe properly again.
“I would confess to him if I could. But it won’t help Mama to know that I betrayed my brother. I don’t want to cause pain.”
“You’re using that as an excuse.”
Edie laid a hand on my arm, and I jerked away. She sighed.
“Nick, you can’t keep lying to them. It’s eating you up. You said yourself you haven’t been able to move on to a new relationship.”
I just shook my head, and she kept going.
“And you can’t ask me to lie for you. I know they think I’m your girlfriend, but I’m not going to keep pretending for you.”
I couldn’t deny everything she said, but she was wrong about one thing. I was ready to move on, damn it.
I made eye contact, so she’d see I was serious
“Maybe it doesn’t have to be a lie.”
EDIE
Maybe it doesn’t have to be a lie.
I stared at Nick, trying to unravel the secrets of his mind.
“What does that mean?”
He stood and stepped close, so close I could feel his body heat through my clothes.
“Be my girlfriend,” he whispered in my ear. “Make it true.”
His warm breath fluttered against my neck, and goosebumps rippled across my skin. His hands came up to frame my face, and my breath hitched.
Then his lips were on mine.
Not slow and sweet like before, but hard and passionate. I could feel his desperation, even as my pulse surged and his tongue courted mine with tantalizing flicks and swirls.
Dimly, I registered his hands sliding into my hair. He angled my face to deepen the kiss, and I let him guide my every move like the puppet master he was.
He sat on the edge of the bed, pulling me down to straddle his lap. Everything was happening too fast, and I couldn’t think.
His hand smoothed up my spine, calming me even as excitement buzzed through my veins when his lips found my neck.
“Elana is in the past. She’ll leave well enough alone once she knows we’re serious. Mama already loves you, I can tell. You’d never have to feel alone again, Edie. It’s a win-win. Plus, sex is awesome!”
He laughed gleefully. “I thought I might be celibate forever,” he mumbled against my throat.
His lips tickled, sending a shiver of pleasure through me at the same times his words elicited a shiver of dread.
Did he even hear himself?
If I hadn’t already suspected he wanted to date me as a convenient way to sweep his affair with Elana under the rug and continue hiding the truth from his family, his words left no doubt. Maybe he’d already had this idea last night. Maybe he hadn’t nearly slept with me out of pity, but out of a desperate attempt to prove he’d moved on from Elana.
I got a hand between us and pushed him back, nearly losing my balance in the process.
“No, Nick! God.”
He clutched my waist, saving me from a fall. The look in his eyes was incredulous.
“No?”
“Did you forget I already have a boyfriend?”
Truthfully, I’d almost forgotten.
He blinked at me as if he did, in fact, forget. “You mean Jaime?”
“Yes, Jaime!”
He looked pissed at that.
“You weren’t in bed with Jaime last night,” he said. Before I could respond, he threw me with his next comment: “And you’re not what Jaime really wants anyway.”
“What the hell does that mean?”
“It means I’m more his type.”
I flinched as his words hit me square in the chest. I wanted to deny it; I wanted to tell Nick he was wrong; I wanted to slap that smug expression from his face.
Nick threw it in my face, and I hated him for that. I couldn’t even call him a liar.
Every lukewarm kiss with Jaime, every move to avoid my touch suddenly made sense in a whole new context. I’d wondered if Jaime was serious about me … but I’d never thought he might be gay.
Nick stood and took a step toward me.
“Edie—” he started, regret in his voice.
Did he think a weak apology would excuse him no matter what he did?
Nick hadn’t learned anything since that disastrous interview. He was still the same self-involved guy. He’d throw Jaime under the bus if it meant I’d play the part of girlfriend for him. He’d stomp all over my feelings without an inkling of tact in the name of hiding the truth from his family.
“Just stop,” I whispered.
He fell quiet, thankfully, because I didn’t have the energy to yell anymore. I swallowed, and tried to continue in a quiet, calm voice, though it wavered more than I liked.
“This isn’t about Jaime. You’re trying to use me to avoid the consequences of what happened with Elana. When I have sex, it has to mean more than that. So no, I won’t play along.”
“It’s not like that,” he protested. “I’m sorry if I was moving too fast. I’ll slow down.”
I shook my head. “Don’t bother.”
“Edie—”
“Your problems aren’t going away, Nick.” My throat tightened painfully, but I fought back the urge to cry. “But I will.”
“What do you mean?”
I took a deep breath, blinking back tears.
Just angry tears, Edie. Nothing more. You can do this.
“Tomorrow, I’m packing up my things, and I’m moving out.”
CHAPTER 13
NICK
I snuck out of the news office early the next day, unable to take the suspense any longer.
Edie had threatened to move out while I was at work, and I needed to know if she’d followed through. I hoped, probably foolishly, she might reconsider once her temper cooled. I didn’t want her to leave yet, just when we were so close to becoming something more than friends.
Edie had gotten under my skin.
Being with her would help Elana take a hint, yes, and it would get Mama off my back about my relationship status, but those weren’t the main reasons I’d pursued Edie. I wanted her. I’d wanted her for a long time now. I’d just figured two birds, one stone. In retrospect, that was a hell of a bad idea.
After our argument, Edie hadn’t been up for anymore family bonding. I didn’t want her giving away the truth to Mama, so I’d made our excuses while she waited in the car.
We’d driven back to the apartment, with Edie giving me the silent treatment the whole way. I tried to apologize, for all the good it did me.
“I have a lot of flaws,” I’d begun tentatively.
Edie had huffed an exasperated breath.
“Yeah, yeah. I know you’re well aware. What I’m trying to say is that I wasn’t aware, not really. Not until you called me on my bullshit the first time.”
I spared a glance her way to see I had her attention, if not the response I’d like to see.
“You opened my eyes, Edie. And I’m not there yet, but I’m trying, okay? And I’d really like you to stay. Because you’ve made me want to be a better person, and I’m not sure I can do that if you leave right now.”
She shook her head, biting her lip. For a brief moment, hope flared. I was reaching her. She shifted toward me, opened her mouth, and then … nothing.
She crossed her arms and turned back to stare out the window, frustratingly silent.
We’d returned without another word passing between us, and Edie had disappeared into the bedroom.
Now, with fragile hope fluttering in my chest, I ran up the stairs to our apartment and threw open the door, with my customary greeting halfway out of my mouth before I’d even entered the room.
“Honey, I’m …”
The living room was empty. The kitchen, too.
“... home,” I whispered.
Something about the way my voice sounded in the space told me the apartment was empty, but I crossed the room in a few hurried strides and peered into the bedroom to be sure.
Empty.
There was still the bathroom, but looking around the bedroom, I realized there was no point checking any further.
She was gone. So were the stacks of T-shirts and shorts that usually rested on my dresser. I dropped to my knees and peered under the bed. The jumble of sandals and flip-flops were gone, too.
“Shit!” I collapsed against the bed, and gripped my hair in frustration.
She’s really gone.
I stared blankly at the wall, thinking about how royally I’d fucked up. I’d brought her to my family home under false pretenses. I’d pressured her to help me hide the truth about Elana the day after I’d come seriously close to taking her virginity. And to top it all off, I’d told her Jaime was most likely gay and didn’t want her.
I groaned at my stupidity. I should have expected this, after all that. Edie was a saint, but even a saint could get fed up.
Unable to help myself, I stood up and headed to the bathroom. The missing toothbrush and hairbrush from the right side of the sink squashed the last tiny hope I’d harbored that maybe she was coming back.
Now, what?
For the life of me, I couldn’t see my way clear of the many despicable ways I’d disappointed Edie since I met her. Maybe she was right to leave. It’s not like there’d ever been an “us,” not beyond weeknight dinners and Xbox gaming and Fourth of July parades and … shit.
I had to get out of here. If Edie was gone, if she’d given up on our friendship, much less the something more I’d felt growing between us, then I needed to do the same.
Edie had proven I was ready to move on from Elana. If she wouldn’t help me do it, I’d find someone more willing. That, at least, had never been a problem for me.
I tore off my work clothes and left them in a heap on the bed, and grabbed dark blue jeans and a navy shirt I’d been told brought out my eyes. It was only after I’d stepped out of the apartment, keys in hand, I remembered it was the same thing I’d been wearing the night I’d met Edie at that godawful party.
***
I was at the bar an hour before I met Brandi. In that time, I’d had five rum-and-cokes. In other words, I was drunk.
I’d seen plenty of girls come and go during that time, but somehow none of them had seemed worth approaching. Whenever I thought of getting off my barstool and marching up to a girl, flirty smile and banter prepared, I couldn’t muster the energy.
Or the enthusiasm.
Lucky for me, Brandi was a take charge sort of girl. She came to me, so I didn’t have to expend energy I was currently using to suppress memories of every stupid thing I’d done since I met Edie Mason.
Tossing bleach blond hair over a shoulder, she smiled at me and leaned against the bar close enough I could easily see down her tank top. She smelled pleasantly of coconut, and her overly tanned skin — probably done in a tanning booth — certainly set her apart from Edie, who’d always been a touch pale. I couldn’t decide if that was a plus or minus, but different from Edie seemed like a good thing tonight.
“Hey, there. Don’t think we’ve me
t,” she said with a smile. “Are you here alone?”
One carefully sculpted eyebrow rose in curiosity. There was another difference from Edie. She was a natural sort, no sculpting or excessive makeup. Just fresh-faced, naive, old-fashioned prettiness.
I shook off the thought and tried on a smile.
“Yep. Just me and the Captain,” I said, raising up my glass.
I paused as I realized it was empty. “Er, looks like the Captain abandoned ship.”
Brandi laughed lightly. “Well, I could keep you company tonight.”
She leaned in close, whispering the words in my ear. Instead of a thrill, her warm breath made me want to cringe away.
I forced myself to hold the smile, even though it felt stiff and unnatural.
“Why not? It’s not like I’ve got anything better to do.”
Brandi gave me a sour look. “Thanks a lot.”
“No offense.”
She shrugged it off, and tried her best over the next 15 minutes to entice me. Brandi worked hard, smiling and flirting and laughing. Leaning in to touch my arm, kiss my cheek and play with my hair. But no matter how hard she tried, I couldn’t shake the melancholy of finding my apartment empty tonight.
I tried to picture taking Brandi back to my place, into my bed, and felt the familiar twisting in my gut. Only now it was worse: It wasn’t twisting in guilt over my affair with Elana; it was revolted at the idea of taking another girl into my bed, into Edie’s bed.
Maybe if I went back to her place? My stomach lurched again, and I grimaced. Maybe not.
“You okay?” Brandi asked, leaning forward to squeeze my arm.
I stood up, and concentrated on keeping the room straight.
“Think I’m gonna call it a night.”
“Can I give you a ride? You shouldn’t drive.”
“Nah.”
“You really shouldn’t drive,” she repeated.
I fumbled my cellphone free of my pocket, and she looked hopeful. Then I pulled up Sean’s name and hit call. She glared as I held the phone up to my ear.
“I’m good,” I told her as I listened to the phone ring.
“Seriously, I could just take you—”
“Not interested.”
Her mouth fell open in shock. Then, just as Sean picked up, she whirled around.
Earning Edie (Espinoza Boys #1) Page 18