All of My Heart

by Sara Naveed

  I told my parents not to panic about the situation and just wait for the right time as Aariz had said. I knew we would get married eventually. Till that time, I would wait—for him to make up his mind, for him to understand me better, for him to say yes.

  For Old Friendship’s Sake

  I wondered what kind of a person I had become since Aariz had come into my life. I had never behaved like this before—clingy or desperate for a man’s attention. I did not like the person I was turning into but it wasn’t in my control. I decided to keep myself busy and focus more on my job and social life. We met every other day in office but we never spoke about our issues. Instead, we discussed work. He did ask me out a couple of times, but I politely refused. From his expression, it was clear he knew I was upset. He could sense a change in my attitude towards him. Still he never asked me the reason or made any effort to change things. I spent my weekends with my friends—hanging out at local pubs, catching movies in theatres, going out for shopping, or trying out new eateries. And, of course, whenever I wanted some me time, I went to my favourite music store or sat in the church for hours.

  But things changed one night. I was at a local pub for my friend’s birthday party when I bumped into an old school friend from Lahore—my captain, Rehaan, the one who used to give me driving classes. I can’t explain how happy I felt when I saw him that night. I caught him taking my pictures, and the moment he laid eyes on me, he blushed. He hadn’t changed much. Despite a well-built body and a light stubble, he looked almost the same. He had grown taller over the years and turned into a handsome man. But he pretended not to recognize me and walked away. Then I noticed that a few of my friends were bullying him and intervened. Before he could apologize, I left the party.

  Thank God, he turned up the next day at the music store and apologized to me. I was glad he enjoyed my company as much as I did his. If it wasn’t for him, I wouldn’t have been able to come out of my shell. I laughed, danced, drank and acted wild when I was with him. There was no awkwardness between us.

  I didn’t know I could open up to someone, especially a guy, so easily but Rehaan made that possible. When I had a terrible day at work, I called up Rehaan to make plans. He filled the void that Aariz had left in my life. He made me happy, he made me laugh. But most importantly, he made me forget the pain Aariz had given me. It took me some time to realize that I was again becoming the person I used to be. With Rehaan, I felt like my old self.

  I had somewhat made peace with what life had offered me. Instead of whining about it, I had stopped caring about the world and lived every day, every moment like it was my last. Until one night, when Daddy broke the news that Aariz had agreed to marry me. He had given his consent to his parents.

  My World Turned Topsy-Turvy

  I had gone out partying with Rehaan. One tequila shot turned into several and by the time I tiptoed into my living room, the first rays of the sun were streaming in. The silhouettes of my parents sitting at the dining table startled me.

  ‘Um, hi, guys. You’re up early,’ I said as I kept my bag in a corner and switched on the lights. Thank God, I am not too drunk, I thought.

  ‘Zynah, where were you?’ Daddy asked, his face contorted with concern.

  ‘Sorry, I was at the club with my friend Rehaan,’ I told them, taking off my leather jacket.

  ‘We have some news for you, Zynah,’ Mummy cut in.

  ‘What?’ I asked, looking at their faces.

  ‘Kamran called. Aariz has agreed to marry you.’

  The jacket fell from my hand and landed on the floor with a light thud. My heartbeat quickened and tears welled up in my eyes as I slowly took in what I’d just heard.

  ‘We’re so happy for you, honey,’ Mummy said and wrapped her arms around me. I stood like a statue, still surprised.

  ‘You’re happy, right?’ Daddy asked, observing my reaction.

  I freed myself from Mummy’s embrace and wiped the tears off my face.

  ‘Yes, I am.’ I nodded at him, trying to smile.

  A little later, I plonked myself on my bed, wondering how Aariz had agreed to marry me. It had almost been a year since we had had that discussion in his office. I had thought he would take longer to decide. But perhaps knowing a girl for two long years was enough for him. I felt a sudden urge to talk to him, to hear his voice. I took a deep breath before dialling his number. I wanted him to tell me that he loved me; that he was ready to marry me.

  ‘Zynah?’ he whispered huskily.

  A shiver ran down my spine when I heard his throaty voice.

  ‘Aariz . . .’ I whispered. I still didn’t understand why his voice made me go weak in the knees. Fresh tears sprang from my eyes and I sniffed.

  ‘Zynah, what’s wrong? Are you okay?’ he asked, his voice filled with concern.

  ‘Did you . . . did you say yes?’ I managed to ask.

  There was a long pause before he replied. ‘Yes, I did,’ he answered.

  I closed my eyes, taking in his reply. Tears streamed down my cheeks, but I did not wipe them off.

  ‘Zynah, are you there?’ he asked when he didn’t get a response. ‘Zynah?’

  ‘Yes, I’m here,’ I whispered.

  ‘I tried calling your number but it was switched off. Where were you all night?’

  ‘I’m sorry. I was out with a friend.’

  ‘Okay . . . let’s talk about this in office. All right?’

  ‘Yeah, okay,’ I said, wiping my face with the back of my hand.

  ‘See you then. Goodnight.’

  ‘Goodnight,’ I said and ended the call.

  I wondered if I should call Rehaan and tell him what had just happened. I felt bad for hiding the truth from him for so long. I should have told him about Aariz when we first met. I knew he was upset because I hadn’t been honest with him. He was my friend and had every right to know what was happening in my life. Apart from that, I felt miserable about making him drink too much. Would he remember anything I told him about Aariz when he woke up?

  I closed my eyes in an attempt to quieten my mind. I hadn’t expected Aariz to agree so soon. I wondered what had made him change his mind. What had made him say yes.

  Later in the day, I dialled Rehaan’s number to check on him. The tone of his voice told me that he was upset. I tried to apologize and even accepted my mistake but he wasn’t ready to listen. Before I could tell him about the recent developments, he made an excuse and hung up.

  I met Aariz in office the same day. He looked fresh and happy. I could not figure out if he was genuinely happy or had plastered a fake smile on his face. My colleagues had gathered around my seat and the minute I arrived, they started throwing confetti on me and breaking party poppers. I was taken aback. Why did Aariz tell the others? Why was he embarrassing me? It was all so awkward. My colleagues congratulated me one by one. It was hard for me to tell how many were genuinely happy and how many were jealous. Aariz and Uncle Kamran stood a few feet away, looking at me and smiling. I tucked my hair behind my ears and smiled back.

  ‘Why did you agree?’ I asked Aariz as he drove us to a nearby restaurant for lunch.

  ‘What do you mean?’ he asked.

  I studied his perfect profile for a few seconds before answering, ‘I thought you wanted . . . time to be sure about us . . .’ I said finally.

  ‘Aren’t two years enough?’ he asked, giving me a sidelong glance.

  ‘Are you sure about us now? About me?’ I asked, pressing my lips together.

  ‘I was always sure about you, Zynah.’ He turned to look at me and smiled.

  ‘Then why didn’t you agree earlier?’

  ‘Perhaps, I wasn’t ready . . . for a commitment; ready for marriage; ready to share my life with someone.’

  ‘And now you are?’ I raised my brows.

  ‘I guess I am,’ he said as he pulled the car into the parking lot before bringing it to a complete stop.

  He turned to look at me, taking my hand in his. ‘Zynah, I really love my family
. . . and those who are dear to me. Including you,’ he said.

  ‘My parents think I’d be happy with you and your parents think the same. Moreover, both of us like each other and believe we can become good life partners. I’ve always listened to my parents. I’ve never said no to them. When they asked me to get married to you, I didn’t say no. I just asked for more time. And, now I think I’m ready for this responsibility. I’m ready to start a new relationship. With you.’

  My lips curved into a smile but it did not reach my eyes. There was something amiss; it was not how I had imagined it.

  ‘Miss Zynah Malik, will you marry me?’ he asked, leaning closer.

  I grinned at his gesture and instantly nodded.

  ‘Thank you.’ He pulled my hand to his lips and gently kissed it.

  My parents were more thrilled about the news than I was. I was happy; I was over the moon but just couldn’t bring that to my face. Something felt off. I couldn’t put a finger on it. When I discussed my mixed emotions with my friend Soniya, she thought I’d gone mad. She said perhaps I was getting cold feet. I wanted to believe her; I wanted to believe that it was a bout of anxiety and nothing else. I tried to convince myself—this is what I had wanted. I was happy; happy to spend the rest of my life with Aariz. The man of my dreams.

  I tried to contact Rehaan over the next couple of days but he seemed busy with his exams. Or, maybe, he was ignoring me. One night, I decided to pay him a surprise visit. I drove up to his apartment and texted him to come downstairs. But when he did, I started laughing. He looked funny in his pyjamas. Funny and cute. I almost felt like getting out of the car and giving him a bear hug. When I asked him why he was not answering my calls, he gave the same old excuse—he was busy with exams. But his behaviour did not seem normal. In the past, no matter how busy he was, he had always taken out time for me. I tried to talk to him but he remained cold and unresponsive, so I just left. The next day, he apologized for his stupidity, and since I couldn’t stay mad at him for long, I relented. We made up over cones of ice cream. Everything was fine until he brought up Aariz again. He asked me if I was sure about him; if I really loved him. When I said I did, he went off on a different tangent and started asking if Aariz felt the same way or not. I wanted to tell Rehaan that Aariz and I were in a relationship, that we were getting married. But he did not give me a chance to speak and continued to rebuke me. I didn’t expect this from him. He was my friend. At least he should have understood my feelings. But he hurt me; hurt my sentiments. I told him not to interfere with my life and stormed off.

  One night, just as I was getting ready for bed, I got a call from a guy named Vikram. He introduced himself as Rehaan’s flatmate and said he had something important to tell me—it was about Rehaan. He had had too much to drink and had almost got himself killed. Vikram had saved him in the nick of time and brought him home. He was in bad shape and was mumbling my name in his sleep. Vikram wanted me to come down to their apartment. He said he was worried that Rehaan was not in his right mind. I drove at breakneck speed and reached their apartment in no time. I did not go inside and waited for Rehaan on the front porch. As soon as he came out, I started bombarding him with questions, rebuking him for behaving recklessly. But I was shocked into silence by his reply. He said he was in love with me; that he had been in love with me since we were in school. I was appalled by this sudden revelation and tried to reason with him. But he retaliated and tried to forcibly kiss me. When I pushed him away, he started hurling abuses at Aariz. I couldn’t take it any more. I just got into my car and drove off, leaving him to his own devices.

  Later that night, I curled up in bed and cried for hours. I’d lost a friend whom I considered an integral part of my life, whom I trusted with my life.

  The Wedding

  On the brighter side, our wedding date had been fixed. I couldn’t wait to start a new life with Aariz. Our wedding happened in a jiffy. I had expected a grand affair because Uncle Kamran had a lot of friends in London. But, he chose to keep it small by inviting only his close friends and family. We had invited our immediate relatives from Lahore. My elder brother, Zayn, was specially flying down from Australia to be a part of the celebration, but his wife had refused to accompany him. This made Mummy very unhappy.

  Two days before the main day, we held a small mehndi ceremony at our house where I invited all my close friends. I missed Rehaan, but I knew I couldn’t call him. I hadn’t even told him I was getting married. Maybe this was the right thing to do. Maybe there was no place for him in my life.

  The nikah was to take place in a local mosque followed by a grand reception. Finally, the day was upon us. Aariz, along with his close male friends and relatives, sat across from me, a see-through curtain separating us. I stole a coy glance at him. He was a vision in an off-white sherwani. I couldn’t believe I was marrying this gorgeous man. I had waited for this moment for so long and it was finally happening. Maulvi Sahib asked Aariz for his consent. He looked in my direction, grinned and then said, ‘Qubuul hai.’ I tingled with excitement on hearing those magical words. But I was also nervous. The question, Had I made the right decision, was still troubling me deep down. I knew there was no turning back from here. I tried to quieten my mind but the thoughts persisted. I felt sick to my stomach but tried to suppress the feeling.

  Maulvi Sahib turned to me and asked the same question. But my head whirred with irrational fear and I couldn’t bring myself to answer. Mummy, who was sitting beside me, mouthed the words with a gesture of her hand. I looked at her gleaming face and then back at Aariz, who still had a wide grin on his face. I took a deep breath and finally whispered, ‘Qubuul hai.’ A tear escaped my eye as Mummy embraced me in a warm hug.

  Since the reception was on the same day, we hurried back to Aariz’s house, my house, in Mallord Street, after the nikah. Aariz followed me into our room, which was decorated with colourful flowers and fairy lights, and then locked the door from inside. My heart thumped loudly in my chest as I took in the decor.

  ‘Why don’t you sit on the bed and relax for a bit? I’ll go and change,’ he said.

  I waited for him with bated breath, my body burning with desire.

  After a few minutes, he came into the room looking fresh. He combed his fingers through his hair as he sat beside me, his eyes not leaving mine.

  ‘Do you want to change?’ he asked.

  ‘Uh, yeah. I have to get ready for the reception,’ I managed to say, my lips quivering with nervousness.

  ‘Want me to help you get rid of the jewellery and . . . clothes?’ he asked, getting up. I stood up too, his words making me a little dizzy.

  ‘No, I, uh . . . I’ll manage,’ I said.

  ‘Come, let’s take this dupatta off your head.’ I gave him a sidelong glance as he removed the countless bobby pins from my hair and fell in love all over again. His eyes soon met mine, making me go weak in the knees. He took the dupatta off and held my face in his hands. I closed my eyes and waited for his warm lips to touch mine. But before he could kiss me, a loud knock on the door interrupted the moment. It was Aariz’s mother.

  ‘Hey, Mom!’ he said, planting a kiss on her forehead.

  ‘I hope I’ve not disturbed you,’ she said, winking at us.

  ‘Of course not, Aunty,’ I mumbled, lowering my head.

  ‘Please call me Mom. No more Aunty. Okay?’

  I nodded in agreement.

  ‘Here you go. This is the dress you’ll be wearing tonight at the party. The jewellery is also inside the packet,’ she said, handing me a decorated basket.

  ‘This looks beautiful. Thank you,’ I said gratefully.

  ‘The guests will start arriving by 7 p.m. Make sure you both get ready by then.’

  ‘Sure, Mom,’ Aariz said, leaning against the door.

  ‘Zynah, I’ve hired a make-up artiste for you. She’ll be here in ten minutes,’ she said as she exited the room.

  Later in the evening, I sat in front of the mirror, taking off my jewellery in
a slow and thoughtful manner. The reception party had been a grand affair—Uncle Kamran had invited all his colleagues, friends and relatives. Aariz looked striking in a black suit, which he had paired with a blue shirt and tie.

  After standing on the stage all evening, meeting all and sundry, I felt exhausted and yearned to hit the bed. Thankfully, the party was soon over and after bidding goodbye to my parents and brother, I came home with Aariz and his parents.

  I was halfway up the staircase when I realized Aariz was not following me. I craned forward to see where he was and saw him sitting with his parents in the living room. He looked up and said, ‘You please go up. I have some work to finish. I will see you in a bit.’

  It had been an hour since but he had still not come up.

  Suddenly my phone beeped, piercing the silence. I looked around and saw it was lying on the bed. Amongst millions of messages and missed calls, Aariz’s message caught my eye. Why was he texting me?

  There’s a black lacy nightie in the walk-in cupboard. Please wear that tonight.

  My cheeks crimsoned as I read the message. I read it again and again until my head reeled. I found the black lacy nightie, carefully wrapped in a baby-blue paper, on one of the shelves of the walk-in cupboard. The sight of the garment brought a coy smile to my face. I imagined Aariz’s expression when he saw me in it. The thought aroused me. I slowly took off my clothes and stepped into the shower. I slathered on some moisturizer before slipping into the nightie. I examined myself in the mirror. I had never worn a lacy nightdress before and felt a bit self-conscious. But why was I scared? Isn’t this what I wanted? Putting my fears aside, I picked a fine-toothed comb and ran it through my silky, straight hair. I put on some make-up and sprayed some perfume on. Gathering my courage, I unlocked the door and stepped into the room. To my astonishment, the room was bathed in darkness. Only a small lamp glowed in a corner. I could make out Aariz’s silhouette on the bed and hear his gentle snores. A lump formed in my throat and I lowered my eyes to hide my disappointment. I had never felt so humiliated in my life. Before he could wake up and see me in the nightie, I rushed inside the washroom and closed the door behind me. How could he just fall sleep without telling me? When did he come into the room? He knew I was going to wear the nightie. Couldn’t he have waited for me a bit longer? He had ruined our first night together.