All of My Heart

by Sara Naveed

  Our holiday was over and we were flying back to London the next day. My in-laws had come to receive us at the airport. I kept up a happy demeanour throughout. I didn’t want them to think that we had issues. Aariz, on the other side, was delighted to see his parents. On our way home, Aunty Raima did notice my silence. She kept asking me about the trip and whether we’d enjoyed ourselves. Before I could utter a word, Aariz cut in and regaled his parents with a colourful account of the trip—how it was the best trip ever and how we had the time of our lives. I looked at his face in the rear-view mirror of the car and was stunned to see how perfectly he had masked the truth from his family. I had not enjoyed our honeymoon at all. In return, I was now ridden with angst and self-doubt. He passed me a sweet, saccharine smile when our eyes locked in the mirror and then looked ahead. Perplexed, I slowly sank into the back seat, wondering what kind of a person he really was. He continued to babble about the trip until we reached home.

  Without bothering to see if he was following me or not, I dashed out of the car and headed straight to our room. I needed some time alone to gather my bearings. I was finally back in my city, away from the loneliness I had experienced in the past week. After calming myself down, I called my parents, informing them of my arrival. Mummy sounded extremely cheerful on the phone and invited us, Aariz and me, for lunch the next day.

  ‘Hey, have you settled in?’ Aariz asked, as he entered the room a few minutes later.

  ‘Yes,’ I said. ‘I was . . . uh . . . speaking to Mummy on the phone. She has invited us for lunch tomorrow.’

  ‘Sounds great.’ He flashed me a smile. ‘I’ll take a quick shower.’

  ‘Sure,’ I nodded.

  ‘By the way, Mom was asking about you. Please make sure you give her all the happy details about our honeymoon,’ he said, before leaving the room.

  I was stunned. So he was conscious of the fact that he had ruined our honeymoon.

  ‘What do you mean?’ I asked, holding the bathroom door.

  ‘Well,’ he sighed. ‘What I meant was, just tell her what a lovely time we had in Florence. The places we visited, the food we had, the stuff we purchased, you know.’

  ‘Is that it?’ I asked, flinching.

  ‘Is that it what?’ he asked with a shrug.

  ‘Aariz . . .’ I took in a deep breath to regain my composure. ‘Did we really have a lovely time in Florence?’

  ‘Of course, sweetheart. We had a wonderful time. What made you think otherwise?’

  What kind of a double-faced game was he playing with me? I narrowed my eyes, feeling as dejected and hopeless as ever. How could a man be so heartless? Was he really oblivious to my feelings or was he just pretending not to care?

  ‘Anyway, I’m going for a shower. Please do as I say.’ He quickly gave me a soft peck on the cheek and shut the bathroom door on my face.

  I just stood there as the truth dawned on me—the reality was far from the life I’d imagined for myself. Feeling dejected, I slowly changed my clothes and then went downstairs to meet my in-laws. At least they were nice and treated me like their own daughter. Aunty Raima asked the maid to bring tea with some freshly baked chocolate cookies.

  ‘So, did you have a good time in Florence? I hope Aariz did not trouble you,’ she said as she stirred her tea with a teaspoon.

  Troublesome was an inappropriate word for a person like him. He had not troubled me; he had disappointed me, humiliated me.

  ‘Yes, I did,’ I said without any enthusiasm in my voice.

  ‘Great. I’m just so glad that Aariz has finally settled down with a nice girl like you. You have no idea how many girls we made him meet in the last few years. None of them could win his heart. I don’t know how you managed to change his views about marriage.’

  ‘But why didn’t he want to get married? Was he involved with someone whom you didn’t approve of?’ I asked her. This was the only topic that piqued my interest.

  ‘I don’t think so, Zynah. I’ve never seen Aariz with a girl. I can’t even remember the name of the last girl he dated. He doesn’t discuss his personal life with me,’ Aunty Raima said thoughtfully, sipping her tea.

  I didn’t find any comfort in these revelations. They made me even more restless.

  ‘We are a close-knit family. Even when he was in Canada, he would talk to Kamran and me every day but he never mentioned any girl. I asked him a few times if he had someone in mind, if he liked someone. We would have happily agreed if he had told us.’

  I nodded in response, my mind more confused than before. If there was no other person in his life, then why was he behaving this way?

  ‘Anyway, forget about all this. I’m happy that he chose you. Both of you look perfect with each other. A perfect match made in heaven.’ Aunty Raima caressed my cheek, smiling.

  I flashed a fake smile in response.

  Later that day, we all were sitting at the dining table, eating dinner. Aariz finished his meal quickly and excused himself. He said he had some urgent work and rushed back to the room. I sat with my in-laws for a while, making small talk. When I yawned twice in a span of five minutes, Aunty Raima asked me to go back to my room and rest.

  ‘I’ll send over milk for both of you,’ she told me.

  ‘Sure. Goodnight,’ I kissed her on her cheek.

  When I entered the room, I found Aariz speaking to someone on the phone. He glanced at me warily as I closed the door behind me.

  ‘Yeah, sure. I’ll think about it and let you know,’ he told the person at the other end of the line.

  Ignoring him, I headed to the washroom to change my clothes. I thought he had come to the room to finish some important work but he was busy chit-chatting. Maybe he hadn’t realized it yet, but I was beginning to lose my confidence in him. Or maybe I was losing confidence in myself. Wasn’t he happy with me? Had his parents forced him to marry me? Or had I pushed him into this relationship? Why did he marry me if he wasn’t interested? I was sure it wasn’t because I was so keen on him. These thoughts were driving me crazy. I felt I was on the verge of a mental breakdown. I could not think of any person I could share my feelings with. Should I talk to my parents? Mummy? No, I couldn’t discuss this with her because she already had enough problems of her own. I did not want her to have another panic attack because of me. Talking to Daddy wouldn’t solve anything either. This was my decision after all. I had insisted on marrying Aariz. The truth was, I did not regret my decision even now. I saw this as a small hitch, and I was sure things would go back to normal in no time. Maybe I could discuss it with one of my close friends? Soniya? But then I thought against it. For a fleeting moment, Rehaan came to mind. However, I knew I couldn’t talk to him either. He had betrayed me as a friend. He had ruined our friendship. This would only make him gloat. After all, that’s what he wanted. I remembered that night on his porch when he had hurled abuses at Aariz. Had he really cursed me? Had his wish come true? I cleared my mind and thought harder till I settled on a solution. Since these were my problems, I had to deal with them myself. Discussing them with other people would only make the situation worse. The only person whose help I could seek was Aariz. I was having problems with him, his odd behaviour. He had to give me an explanation.

  Aariz was already asleep when I came out of the washroom. Disappointed, I drank the glass of milk my mother-in-law had sent and got under the covers.

  Please tell me why you’re doing this to me, Aariz. Please . . .

  The Emotional Breakdown

  As usual, I woke up to an empty bed. Aariz had already gone downstairs. I could hear him talking to someone on the phone. I quietly climbed down the stairs to overhear the conversation but he saw me and ended the call abruptly.

  ‘Hey,’ he said, walking in my direction. It seemed as though he was hiding something behind his fake smile and this made me suspicious.

  ‘Whom were you talking to?’ I asked, folding my arms.

  ‘Oh, it was someone from the office.’

  ‘Why would peop
le from office call you on a Sunday?’

  ‘He wanted to discuss our upcoming project,’ he said, smoothing down his eyebrow nervously.

  I observed him for a few seconds, trying to assess whether he was telling the truth.

  ‘May I know his name?’ I asked.

  ‘What? Why do you want to know his name? You don’t trust me?’ he asked, getting defensive.

  ‘What has trust to do with this? I’m only asking his name!’ I exclaimed.

  ‘James. His name is James. He’s our technical assistant. Happy now?’ he said, glaring at me.

  ‘Okay,’ I mumbled, chewing my bottom lip.

  ‘God. You’re such a woman.’ He walked away, shaking his head.

  I decided to ignore the comment and get my day started. I went back to the room to have a cup of tea and get dressed. When I came down for breakfast, Aariz told me that he was going to the office to discuss the upcoming project with James. Though it seemed odd that he was going to office on a Sunday, I kept quiet and simply nodded. Aariz never worked on Sundays. This was unheard of, even when I was an employee there. After some time, I went to the living room where my in-laws were watching TV. When they inquired about Aariz, I told them he had gone to office to discuss a project with James.

  ‘James? James Paul? Our technical assistant?’ Uncle Kamran asked, peering at me through his glasses.

  ‘I think so, yes,’ I said.

  ‘But he’s not in town. He has gone to Georgia to attend a family event.’

  I paled visibly on hearing this. Was he sure he was talking about the same James? Or had Aariz lied to me?

  ‘Are you sure about that, Dad? I mean, you could also be mistaken . . .’

  ‘No, beta,’ he cut in. ‘Our HR manager discussed his leave with me last week and I approved it. I am sure about it.’

  If James Paul was in Georgia, then who was Aariz speaking to on the phone? And most importantly, why did he lie?

  ‘Kamran Sahib, are you saying my son lied to Zynah?’ Aunty Raima jumped into the conversation, getting defensive.

  ‘I’m not saying that . . .’

  ‘Well, that’s what you meant!’ she snapped. ‘Zynah!’ She turned to me. ‘Please do not listen to Kamran. He might be mistaking James with someone else. Or maybe you heard incorrectly. He might have taken some other name.’

  ‘No, Mom. Aariz told me about James,’ I said, my voice low.

  ‘There might be two technical assistants with the same name then. Isn’t that possible?’ she threw a sidelong glance at my father-in-law.

  ‘Er . . . I don’t think so,’ he said, shaking his head.

  ‘Whatever. Zynah, do not pay heed to such matters. Ask Aariz once again when he comes back. Now stop thinking so much and rest. I’ll ask the maid to heat some food for you.’ She smiled at me.

  ‘Sure, okay,’ I mumbled.

  I was not convinced by Aunty Raima’s theory. Aariz was definitely hiding something from me. As far as I knew, he never attended office on weekends and that too to meet a person who wasn’t even in town. Something was not right. Was he having an affair? If yes, why did he tell me he loved me? Why the hell did he even marry me?

  I paced the room, impatiently waiting for him to return. All sorts of thoughts rushed through my mind. I contemplated sending him a text message or giving him a call to clarify the matter but I hesitated every time I picked up the phone. It would be better to have a face-to-face conversation. Deep down, I sincerely prayed that he had not lied to me and had actually gone to the office to discuss a project with the said technical assistant. What would I do if I unearthed an ugly truth about him? I couldn’t bring myself to believe that he had deceived me. As the minutes ticked by, I closed my eyes and curled up under the blanket. My subconscious mind was still alert, waiting for him to return.

  My eyes flew open when I heard the click of the door. I sat up on the bed as Aariz quietly made his way into our room.

  ‘You’re still up?’ he asked, keeping his wallet and wristwatch on the side table. ‘I’m sorry I woke you up.’ His eyes travelled to the glass of milk kept on the table.

  ‘You haven’t even had your milk. C’mon, finish it.’

  I ignored his statement and looked straight at him.

  ‘I think you’re annoyed because I woke you up. Next time, I will be more careful.’ He grinned at his own statement.

  Unaffected by his flimsy line, I continued looking at him with a solemn expression which he conveniently ignored.

  ‘I’ll go and change.’

  ‘Aariz, wait.’ I got up from the bed and walked up to him.

  ‘Yes?’ He turned around to face me, his demeanour nonchalant.

  ‘Where were you all day?’

  ‘I told you I had to finish up some work at the office.’

  ‘With James?’ I raised a brow.

  ‘Yes,’ he said with a nod.

  ‘But Dad told me James is vacationing in Georgia. So whom did you meet then?’

  His face paled and he shifted his eyes nervously.

  ‘What?’ He frowned. ‘No, uh . . . Dad must have mistaken him with someone else.’

  ‘It didn’t seem like that. He was quite sure.’

  ‘What are you implying?’

  ‘Who were you with tonight, Aariz? Just tell me the truth.’

  ‘You’re calling me a liar?’ He grimaced.

  ‘I think I am,’ I said, my face expressionless.

  ‘C’mon, Zynah. You can’t be that stupid.’ He looked away, running a hand though his hair.

  ‘Whom are you dating?’ I asked him bluntly, my heart throbbing.

  ‘Zynah, stop it, will you?’ He tried to walk away from me but I held his arm.

  ‘What are you doing? Have you gone crazy?’ he frowned.

  ‘Why don’t you just tell me whom you were with?’ I screamed as tears streamed down my cheeks.

  ‘I told you, I was at work!’ He raised his voice too.

  ‘This explanation is not enough to justify what you’re doing to me!’ I said.

  ‘What do you mean? What have I done to you?’ he scowled.

  ‘Why did you marry me if you didn’t love me or weren’t happy with me? Why?’ I asked, grabbing his collar.

  ‘God . . .’ He shook his head as if he were disappointed in me.

  ‘Answer me, Aariz! Do you think you can fool me with these lies? I am not blind or insane. I can sense everything that is happening around me. The way you treated me during our honeymoon was enough to open my eyes to reality. Time and again, your attitude has proved that you’re not in love with me. You’re interested in someone else.’

  ‘Zynah . . . It’s not what you think . . . Just listen to me,’ Aariz tried to reason with me.

  ‘What should I listen to? Another lie?’ I said, stepping back. He heaved a sigh before he spoke again.

  ‘Look Zynah, if you want to talk about it, then fine. Let’s do this.’

  For a moment, I became quiet. My body stilled. I did not know what was coming up. I did not even know if I was ready to listen to the truth yet.

  ‘I know you’re worried about our sex life, so let me come clean.’

  I braced myself to hear him out.

  ‘What I did to you during our honeymoon was unfair. I should not have offended you. However, at that time, none of that was in my control. I didn’t mean to hurt your sentiments. It just happened like that. Perhaps there is a right time and a right place for everything.’ He shrugged. ‘It’s as simple as that.’

  His explanation did nothing to calm me down.

  ‘Right time? Right place?’ His words choked me.

  He nodded.

  ‘What are you talking about? Everything was damn right in that moment!’ I said, regaining my composure.

  ‘Lower down your voice, Zynah, please,’ he said with a gesture of his hand.

  ‘Stop telling me what to do!’ I screamed.

  He continued to stare at me for a few seconds and then shook his head.


  ‘It was our honeymoon, dammit!’ More tears rushed down from my eyes. ‘But you chose to ruin everything for me, for us.’

  ‘Zynah, why are you crying over this?’ He inched closer and wrapped his arm around my shoulders. ‘Please, don’t cry.’ He wiped off my tears.

  ‘Is there someone else in your life?’ I said, squirming in his embrace.

  ‘Zynah, listen to me.’ He tried to hold me again.

  ‘Is there some other woman? Please tell me!’ I broke into a loud sob.

  ‘There is no other woman, Zynah. Trust me. There’s no other woman. You’re the only woman I’ve ever loved,’ he declared, caressing my cheeks.

  ‘Then why are you so distant from me? Why?’

  ‘Trust me, I don’t want to. This is not what I had planned either. Oh God. None of this is going right.’ He stepped away from me, putting a hand over his forehead.

  ‘Aariz, please don’t go away from me. I can’t bear this distance between us. I want you to be closer to me. I want us to feel complete. Please . . . don’t go away. I love you.’ I threw myself into his arms. ‘I love you very much.’ I continued to sob as I embraced him.

  He held me back and looked into my eyes.

  ‘Zynah . . .’ He tucked a strand of hair behind my ear. ‘I love you too.’ It felt like he was trying to convince himself rather than me. ‘Stop crying now, please.’

  Before he could make another excuse or do anything else, I brought my face closer to his and kissed him. To my surprise, he kissed me back—not with the same urgency or intensity but he did. And in that moment, that’s what mattered. He pulled back and looked into my eyes, our breaths uneven. He then held my hand and led me to our bed. I followed him like a lovesick puppy. He made me sit down and caressed my cheeks once again, his eyes filled with affection.