CRAZY

by M. Piper

  When he clears his throat, I loosen my grip on him as he turns and looks at me, his hands resting on my arms.

  “How are you, really, Gabby?” His voice full of sadness, and it angers me because I hate pity. I don’t want to be pitied.

  “I’m okay, Benton. I promise,” I whisper, not looking him in the eyes. He knows what I’m doing, though. He knows I’m not okay.

  “Come on,” he says, taking my hand and leading me to the living room. We sit on the couch, so he turns in his spot and starts playing with a tendril of hair that fell out of my bun at some point in the evening. Absentmindedly twisting it between his fingers, he sighs and looks me in the eyes, his deep brown meeting my light brown. Nothing else matters right now, but this connection. With this one connection, I feel real.

  “I need to tell you something, and I need you to listen.” He clears his throat and his eyes move to his fingers playing with my hair. “I went and saw my therapist today,” he starts. I nod, knowing that he’s been seeing one for quite some time, but never knowing any details about it.

  I could never talk about my meetings with Dr. Travers, so I’m astounded he’s able to. It takes a big person to be able to admit they have a problem out loud, to someone else.

  “Gabby, I love spending time with you. Time inside the bedroom is the best I’ve ever experienced,” he curses and sighs. “Time outside the bedroom, even though you make me pretend we aren’t together most of the time, is still fan-fucking-tastic.” He shakes his head and chuckles. “You know, if you would’ve told me a year ago I’d be having this type of conversation right now, I would’ve thought you were on drugs, but here we are, and this is real, and we can’t keep playing these games.”

  I feel my breath start to come on faster as he keeps talking about us, and about how we can’t be anymore. No! Did he come here tonight just to break this… this thing that we have… apart? He wouldn’t have. He’s not that type of person. I can’t be without him right now. I can’t be alone. Alone is no good. Life without Benton is no good. Fuck! I can’t become dependent on him. What the fuck, Gabby?!

  “Benton, I like our time together, too,” I whisper when he pauses. He needs to know, though, that I can’t do commitment. He’ll just end up getting hurt.

  “Gabby, listen,” he stands, his body starting to tense. “I have anger issues. I always have. I used to deal with them by fighting, but then everything changed a year ago, and I’ve been learning to deal with them in other ways. Seeing you with other people, seeing you with someone that’s not me, makes me so mad and I don’t know how to deal with it anymore. I can’t. I’m a fucking father, Gabby!” he yells, cursing and pacing, trying to calm himself down. “I can’t do this.” He waves his arms between us, and I feel the panic start to well. My vision is creeping on blurry and my head feels like its spinning.

  “Benton, please stop,” I whisper, closing my eyes.

  “Gabby, I can’t. I can’t stop, because I’m addicted to you. I’m addicted to how I wake up with your entire body wrapped around mine. I’m addicted to your fucking crazy hair, and your smile, and humor, and you. I’m addicted to you, Gabby, and I don’t want to quit you, but I will. I will for my daughter if you can’t promise me. No one else, Gabby.”

  Opening my eyes, astounded that he’d give me that ultimatum, I gasp when I see him. I broke him. The man that I have grown close to in the last 5 months, the man that’s the best lay I’ve ever had… the man that I don’t want to love, but I’m afraid that’s what these feelings are. Fuck.

  “Benton.” I’m shaking my head, tears starting to well up, as I watch his face fall. Walking over to me, he drops to his knees and takes my hands in his, forcing the tears in my eyes to roll down my cheeks. Shit, Gabby. “I’m broken, Benton,” I whisper, through my tears. “I’m broken, and not good for you.”

  “Goddamnit, Gabby, stop. You’re the best thing I’ve had in a very long time. You’re strong, brave, and beautiful,” he whispers, kissing my hands. “I just need you for myself, and it’s fucking selfish, but, if I can’t have that, I can’t keep doing this.”

  I sigh and take my hands from his, wiping my face, then taking his face in my hands, I look into his beautiful, sad, brilliant eyes. I don’t want him to be sad, I don’t want to be alone, and with Ellie leaving me today, I will be if he leaves. I know the consequences of my decision right now could be terrible, but, for some reason, I don’t care. Fate is going to do what it needs to do, when it needs to do it. I’m going to finally do something I want to do, because I want to do it, and not because I feel like I deserve it, because I don’t. I don’t deserve him, but, for some reason, he wants me. I don’t deserve to be happy, and I’m nowhere near being happy every day, but, when I’m with him, I see happy and I feel like I can reach it.

  “No more Ellie,” I whisper, starting to grin.

  “No more anyone, Gab. It’s you and me. That’s it.” His voice is raw with emotion and my heart immediately hurts for this man. I’ve caused him so much pain, I should let him go and find someone that is normal… but I’m selfish, too.

  I’ll take what I can give with him. I can give him sex. Lots of it, since he’ll be the only one. It’s been a tremendous amount of time since that’s been the case, since I’ve only had one partner, but I’m willing to try it for him. Maybe this is what my mind needs to calm down a little bit. I can focus on one thing, and not trying to focus on two totally different people and make them both happy.

  Maybe this can work.

  “No one, B. No one else.” I smile when his eyes go wide.

  “Really?” he whispers, like he wasn’t expecting me to say that. His hands go around my wrists, holding on to them, as I smile and nod, then he leans in and kisses me. Not just a kiss, but the strongest connection we’ve ever had.

  “I can’t promise you it’ll work, Benton,” I say, pulling back. “And I’m warning you, I’m not normal. I’m far from it,” I whisper, pressing my forehead to his. “But I’m willing to try.”

  “Fuck yes. Fuck. Yes. Gabby,” he growls, scooping me up and carrying me to the bedroom, wails of laughter coming out of me as he throws me on the bed and slams his lips to mine, ripping the clothes off of me, tossing his to the side, and diving in for a taste of me.

  “God, fuck, baby, you taste so good,” he growls, pushing one, then two fingers inside me. Arching my back, I push into him, resting my hand on his head as he tastes, licks, and hums into my core.

  This is happy. This is my happy place.

  In bed with the one man that helps me forget.

  The next morning, I head in to work, drained from lying awake in bed all night last night. I can’t seem to function properly and have already lost three emails that I’ve typed out and exited before sending. Nothing’s working right today, but I can’t leave. I’m starting to get backlogged with cases, and am not finishing more than I’m receiving. I’d love to be made partner someday, but, at this rate, I’ll be lucky if I can keep this job until Christmas.

  “Hey Gab,” Lance knocks on the door to my office. “I have a Chelsea Barnes on the phone. She says it’s urgent.” He quirks an eyebrow in question, and waits for my response.

  I have none, though.

  The name isn’t any of my clients, it rings no bells, and I have no scheduled phone calls of potentials. Interesting.

  “Put her through,” I say, setting aside the paper I’ve been staring at blankly for the last two hours.

  “Gabby Rosdale,” I answer after Lance sends the call through.

  “Gabrielle,” I hear her voice and immediately shut down. It’s been years, but I’ll never forget that voice and the evil it spat at me.

  My breathing stops, all noises around me go silent, and my vision blurs to black. That’s how fast it can happen. Before I know it, the phone falls out of my hands, and my head hits the desk, completely blacking out the world around me.

  Waking up, I’m

  greeted by Lance’s beautifully handsome face. Too bad h
e’s gay, he would’ve made a fantastic fuck.

  “Hey,” he smiles, flicking his eyes to the doorway. “You wanna tell me what happened? You just kind of… dropped.” He seems worried, which pisses me off. Sitting up, I try to right myself when his hands smack mine away. Clicking his tongue, he fusses over me and hands me a water while I sit up and try to refocus on my surroundings.

  I’m okay. I’m not with her. She can’t hurt me anymore.

  She can’t, but I can.

  “I have to go,” I say, frantic that the deal I made with Benton is just going to get him hurt, or worse… it’ll end up hurting his daughter. Shit, why’d I do this?! How’d I not think of her?! He has a kid! I can’t be around kids! I haven’t been around kids since that night, and I’m not sure how I’d do if I were forced to be around them now. Fuck, he’s going to want me to hang out with the two of them!

  Oh fuck, Gabby what have you done?

  “Gabby,” Angie Merrian walks in to my office and stops when she sees me grabbing my bags. “Where are you going?” She flicks her stare to Lance, who shrugs and watches me curiously.

  “I have to go,” I mutter.

  “You did this yesterday too, Gabby.” She’s standing in my doorway, blocking me, and, if she doesn’t watch it, I will punch her to get through. “Gabby, this is becoming a habit we can’t have here.”

  Fuck. I know this, I’m smarter than this, but I can’t be here right now. I’ve already blacked out and been found out. I can’t be here when the attack hits. Squaring my shoulders, I take a breath and look my boss straight in the eyes.

  “Listen, I have to leave. If you need to fire me, go ahead, but I have to go. Now. Excuse me.” I push past her, hearing her huff as I speed walk down the hallway.

  I need help. I can’t be fixed, I can’t be helped, but I need him to try. Frantically pulling out my phone, I dial those seven numbers I’ve memorized over the years.

  “Dr. Travers office,” Nancy says happily before I cut her off.

  “Nancy, it’s Gabby. I need him. Now,” I say, frantically feeling another fucking spell coming on. What the hell? Why can’t I go one day without these anymore?

  “He’s in, Gabby. I’m moving appointments now. Come on in, sweetheart. Can you drive, or do I need to send a cab?” she asks, always looking out for me like a mother would.

  A good mother, at least.

  “I need… I’m ok. I’ll be ok,” I lie, used to saying the words that hold no weight.

  Getting in my car, my vision not totally better but getting here, I turn the key and make my way to the office I know better than my own apartment.

  It’s Always Guilt

  Benton

  “Dadadadadadadadadada!” Hannah sings from her crib, waking me up from my deep sleep. I was dreaming about Gabby and her beautiful curves. Her wild hair draped over me, her moans, her touches. Such a great fucking dream, so sad to have had to wake up from it, but that shit happens.

  Trudging into Hannah’s room, I pick up the laughing, happy girl, and we head into the kitchen to make my morning coffee. Today’s my mom’s birthday, and we’re surprising her with a day out on the town. I took the day off work, Hannah has been called out of daycare already, and our bags are packed for the fun outing. My mom loves downtown Chicago: Michigan Avenue, the restaurants, the people. She’s a people watcher and would be happy just sitting and watching people, a cup of coffee in hand, for hours. There’ a few small parks downtown that we can stop and play with Hannah at. There’s a ton of kid friendly restaurants and stores to go in, so hopefully it should be a good day. My father won’t go with us. He’s not into that kind of stuff. Neither am I, but at least I can make my mom happy and spend the day with the two girls in my life that will love me unconditionally.

  By the time we make it to my parents’ house, she’s already out and working in the garden, not ready to go at all. Not that I expected her to be waiting for me to leave, but at least my dad could have helped aid in the surprise… like not letting her get dirty and sweaty already.

  “Hey, ma,” I say and wave to her, then turn to my dad who’s sitting on the porch and give him a WTF look.

  “She insisted,” he says smiling and shaking his head. Taking Hannah from me, I look out into the yard at my mom, covered in dirt and happy as can be, and shake my head.

  “She’s not gonna go, is she?” I ask, unable to be upset when I see how happy my parents are living here. The suburbs of Chicago can be sketchy, but they chose a good town to retire in. Great for families and older couples, perfect for Hannah to come visit. How can I be angry that she’s outside working and actually enjoying it?

  “Nope.” He laughs and stands up with Hannah. “Come on, Sweets, let’s get you some breakfast.” She giggles and laughs as my dad takes her inside. I could have mentioned that we already had breakfast, but he’s so happy to have time with her, and she’s always happy to eat, that I let her second breakfast slide this time around.

  “What brings you over?” my mom asks, smiling and wiping her brow with her wrist.

  “Well, It’s your birthday if you remember,” I say, smiling and leaning on the desk post. Crossing my arms, I laugh when she narrows her eyes at me. “What! I remember these things, Mom. Not my fault your old brain can’t handle all the important dates.”

  She laughs and shakes her head at me. She’s so easygoing, I know I get that from her. I get my anger from my father, and, after the accident, it all tripled. All of it. On my easy days, I’m so carefree that nothing can touch me. On my bad days, I want to hulk smash everything and everyone in sight.

  “Benton Marshall James, you need to speak to your mother nicer than that,” she boasts, smiling.

  “Well, mother,” I stress, because she never makes me call her that. Way too stuffy for us. “I was planning on taking you to the city today. Spend the day with you and Hannah shopping, playing… whatever you wanted to do. My father was supposed to HELP you,” I sarcastically yell into the open window of the kitchen and hear his scoff. “He was supposed to make sure you were ready to go when we got here. BUT, you’re working. I’m sorry. I should’ve just told you.” I shrug and grin.

  “Oh Benton, you treat me too well,” she croons, smiling at me proudly. I’m an only child, but they raised me right. They kept me involved in school activities, and made sure I was used to being around other kids and didn’t have the only child syndrome that a lot of only children have. That also means, though, that my relationship with my parents was that much stronger. We moved around when I was a kid, and, sometimes, I only had my parents to play with. They were my best friend at times, so it’s only logical that as an adult I’m comfortable talking to them like old friends rather than holding anything back. “Can we just stay here, though? I think a relaxing day at home with my husband, granddaughter, and son sounds better than any old stuffy, busy city trip.”

  “Mom, it’s your birthday. We can do whatever you want to. If you want me to leave, so you can be with dad today, we’ll do that too,” I offer, smiling because I know that’s going to get her worked up. She knows I’m joking, I always joke with her about these things. It’s just our relationship.

  “Oh, you stop! Don’t you dare leave! I want you two here. This is perfect.” Her hand goes to her heart and she smiles. A look crosses her face so quick that I almost miss it, but I don’t.

  “Everything okay, Mom?”

  “Yeah… Yeah, everything’s okay. I just had a weird feeling, but I’m okay. Come on,” she says, holding up her hands and laughing at the dirt on her arms. “I want to get cleaned up before playing with that baby girl today.” She smiles and heads inside with a skip to her step.

  My mom’s only in her late fifties, my dad early sixties. They had me young and never had luck again having children, though they did try. A lot. She’s healthy for her age, always getting her annual check-ups and doing the tests they offer. She runs a few times a week and tries to eat healthy, even though most of her meals she prepares for us are p
late filling, carb loaded, butter drenched goodness. The other days, she’s good.

  “Hey Benton, how’s work?” my dad asks, adorned in a tiny silver sparkly tiara that’s making Hannah crack up. She throws a pink boa at him, he takes it, and dramatically tosses it around his neck, rolling his eyes at me and smiling. He loves this shit, even if he acts like it’s annoying having to play with girl things. He was actually the one to buy the items they are playing with right now.

  “Fine, fine,” I say, sitting in the recliner to watch the two play. “Busy,” I say, nodding.

  I sit there for what seems like hours, just watching my parents play with my little girl. She has to be the luckiest girl around, because, even at the ripe age of sixty, her grandpa is willing to don a princess hat and sip tea with her without a care in the world.

  I’m so beyond lucky that Hannah has two healthy grandparents to grow up with. I never really knew my grandparents, and Carly’s parents have wanted nothing to do with Hannah since everything happened. That’s okay with me… I’m not sure I’d be able to handle being around them and remembering everything I lost. It’d be too hard.

  The rest of the day we spend playing inside, outside, in the basement… all over the place. By dinner time, we’re all exhausted from chasing Hannah around all day and I don’t want my mom to have to cook for us on her birthday. Heading out for her favorite Chinese restaurant, I call Gabby on the way.

  “Hey, you,” I say, when I notice she answered the phone but hasn’t said anything.

  Strange.

  “Hey,” she mumbles.

  “Were you sleeping?” It’s only six pm. She shouldn’t be sleeping already. I hope she’s not getting sick.

  “Yeah, I was. What time is it?” she mumbles, the phone scratching on her pillow.

  God, what I’d do to be in that bed with her right now.

  “Six, babe. You sure you’re okay?”

  “Fuck! Shit shit shit, I gotta go, Benton. I’m sorry,” she frantically says, then ends the call before I’m able to say anything else to her.