by M. Piper
The beautiful thing that I focused on to get my attack to die down was my Benton and Hannah.
I have to move in with them… Maybe they really can fix me.
Maybe they’re just what I need after all.
I’m Ready
Benton
She’s staring at me like she just pissed herself, and I can’t help but laugh.
‘’What’s up, why’re you just sitting here?” I laugh when Hannah wiggles her way over to her as soon as Gabby is out of her car.
“I uh… I was waiting for you to be finished at the park.”
Her strange behavior has me second guessing her real reason as to why she looked to be fixing her makeup in the car, but I don’t push. I’ve noticed lately she’s been open with me about her episodes and feelings, so there’s no reason she’d hold back now. I’d hope not, at least.
“Let’s get inside. She’s gonna be starving soon,” I say, closing Gabby’s car door and walking them inside. Hannah is in heaven playing with Gabby’s sunglasses, and from the looks of it she’s not bothering Gab at all by getting her tiny fingerprints all over them.
“So, how was the rest of your day?” she asks as we finally make it inside. I grin, watching her set Hannah in the pack and play, handing her a few toys to play with. She’s such a fucking natural, which breaks my heart because that reminds me why she is.
“Good… it was good.” It’s a lie. It was terrible. Adam thinks he can acquire this prostitute business now, and I think he’s losing his damn mind. Annaliese will have his balls for this.
“That’s not very convincing.” She grabs a beer and props herself on the counter. So. Damn. Sexy.
“Mmm… yeah.” I’m not able to keep myself away from her. I’m like a moth to a flame with her, but with her I know I won’t get burnt. “How was your day?” I ask, running my hands up her thighs.
“I met with Dr. T today,” she says nonchalantly, and takes a swig of beer.
“Yeah?” I stop, and watch her eyes travel to mine. She’s never talked about her therapy sessions, and I know better than to pry, but I’ve always wondered what happens behind those closed doors.
“Mhmm.” She takes another drink of her beer and grins at me when I narrow my eyes at her. “What?” She stops, the bottle so close to her lips that I have the fleeting thought that I wish I were that bottle.
Then Hannah’s laughter rings through the room, and I remember why I can’t be right now.
“That’s good,” I say, clearing my throat and backing away. Don’t pry, Benton. She’ll talk when she wants to.
“You’re not going to ask about it?”
“You’ll talk when you’re ready,” I say, starting to grab food to make for dinner.
“I’m ready,” she whispers.
I immediately stop what I’m doing, and turn to look at her. She’s ready?
“Great, babe. That’s… that’s fantastic.” I say, walking back over to her. “Like, right now? Or later? Or just… whenever?” I’m not used to talking out feelings, Carly didn’t really ever want to do that, so I haven’t had much work in that area, but I’ll do it for Gabby. I’ll do it for us.
“Later, Benton,” she says, laughing. “Right now, we need to cook. And you need to show me around this place.”
Show her around? She’s been here hundreds of times it seems… she should know where the necessities are. I must be looking at her strangely, because she laughs and slaps my arm.
“So, when I move in, I’m not totally lost.”
My jaw drops and heartbeat quickens.
When she moves in. She’s moving in.
She’s moving in!
“Seriously?!” I laugh and smash my lips to hers, unable to hide the joy those words just brought me. “For real?”
“Yeah… I think it’d be good for both of us. And Hannah needs someone to teach her how to be a fashionista at an early age. I can help with that,” she says with a wink. Pressing my forehead to hers, I sigh.
“Fuck, Gabby… you had me worried for a while there.”
“Why?” she grins, cocking her head.
“I honestly thought you were going to try to break this off. With the way you reacted to me outside to the way you’ve just seemed a little put off lately… I don’t know.” I shrug, backing up.
“I’m sorry, babe… I was watching you guys on the playground earlier, and I didn’t know you had made it to my car so fast. It was beautiful, seeing you and her out there, so carefree.” She scoots off the counter and wraps her arms around me. “And I’m sorry I’ve seemed weird lately. I’m learning all these new coping mechanisms when things start to get too rough… when the flashbacks start. Sometimes it makes my focus off.”
“The meds not working?” Why wouldn’t she just keep taking the medication that the doctor prescribed her? “Gabby, playing around with your prescriptions isn’t a safe thing to be doing.” I don’t want to sound too ‘fatherly’ or seem like I’m lecturing, but I can’t have her overdosing herself because of this.
“Relax, babe. Dr. T told me to take the lowest dosage I can to see how I do with it. He knows… it was his idea. I’ve been… misusing them lately.” She hangs her head, and I suddenly feel bad for insinuating that she’s not taking her meds right… like she’s some sort of junkie or something.
“You’ve been stressed… we all have,” I say sighing. “I love you, Gabby. I’m not entirely certain how you trapped me in this web of feelings, but you have me, and I’m not going anywhere. Stop trying to scare me off with your past, stop trying to make me want to leave you because you think having issues will make me not want you. Stop. I want you. I need you.” I stop when Hannah starts fussing. “I also need to get her fed,” I say, grinning.
Gabby laughs and gives me a quick peck before tending to Hannah in the living room while I finish up dinner. The rest of the night is spent just like any typical ‘normal’ family would spend theirs. I play on the floor with Hannah while Gabby does the dishes, even after I insisted I do them because she’s a ‘guest’… that didn’t go over too well, of course. After she finishes up, she comes to the living room with pajamas for Hannah and helps get her changed. I love watching these two interact, and I love how Hannah has taken to Gabby. My heart swells every time Hannah laughs at Gabby’s antics. I can see this woman being the mother of my child, but as beautiful as that sounds, I’m not sure Gabby ever wants to have that. We’ve never talked about our dreams and aspirations for the future because, for the longest time, we didn’t need to. We were just ‘fuck-buddies’… but now we’re so much more. With everything going on these last few weeks, we haven’t really had much time to talk about anything else other than the drama at hand. Between my mom, Gabby’s job loss, and learning what makes her… her, I haven’t really learned much else about the woman I love. The woman I could see mothering my children.
By the time Hannah’s bedtime rolls around, the two of us read her books and Gabby reluctantly lets me rock Hannah to sleep before setting her down in her crib. When I walk out to the living room, she’s propped on the arm of the couch, watching the TV, her face as pale as a ghost.
“What’s wrong?” I ask, moving my gaze to what has her in the trance. It’s just another woman on the news talking about the recent killings in a city about 5 hours south of us. Why would this have her looking like she saw a ghost? “Hey,” I whisper, kneeling next to her. Her face finally turns to mine, eyes wide, tears forming and blurring her beautiful irises.
“They’re looking for my mom,” she whispers. “They think… they said…” She trails off and turns back to the TV, sliding down onto the couch and wrapping her arms around her legs.
“What are you talking about, Gabby? This is from St. Louis… not Chicago. Your mom lives in Chicago. And, why would they be looking for her unless-” Then, the news broadcaster speaks and on the screen pops up an image of my Gabby about twenty years from now.
Fuck. Me.
“The woman, Lynette Burns Rosdale, was last seen drivi
ng a white Dodge Intrepid, traveling north on Interstate 55. If anyone has any information to her whereabouts, please call the number listed on your screen.”
Her voice trails off as my mind starts to race. Her mom is wanted for murder? She could pass as Gabby’s older sister! How in the hell can that be someone who made Gabby’s life so miserable?
“I have to go,” Gabby whispers, quickly getting up from the couch. Frantic, she starts searching for her things, tears streaming down her face. I can’t let her go. I can’t let her be alone right now.
“Stop, Benton… I ha… I have to go…” she cries, gasping for air. Her eyes close, and she pushes the heel of her hands to her temples. What the fuck is happening?!
“Gab, stop. You’re not leaving like this.” I wrap my arms around her trembling body, and break for the woman I love, as she melts into a panic attack. I can feel her pulse racing underneath my fingertips. Her breathing is ragged, and she’s whimpering and shaking.
“You have to let me go. I need to go. I have to leave; I can’t be here. She’s going to find me, she’s going to hurt you, and she’s going to hurt Hannah!” She’s wailing and crying, and it’s all I can do to get her to my bedroom and close the door, hopefully keeping the noise from waking Hannah up.
I have to calm her down.
“Shh. Gabby, listen to me. When was the last time you talked to your mom?” I ask, gently smoothing her hair as she curls into me on the bed.
“Uh,” she whimpers. “She called me at work… sometime right before I was fired. I hung up, then blacked out,” she whispers.
Shit.
“Gabby, before that, how long had it been?” I’m trying to keep my voice calm but I can’t seem to regulate my breathing right now. Is her mom stalking her?
“It’s been a while,” she says.
“As in?” I know I’m pushing, but I need to know.
“Twelve years,” she whispers. “Last time she spoke to me, she told me never to come back… so I didn’t. I packed up and drove north until I landed here. She threatened me, Benton. I wouldn’t ever go back to her.” I feel her tears start to soak through my shirt and curse. Fuck.
“I shouldn’t be here, Benton. It’s not safe,” she says, her voice eerily calm. “I know what she wants. She warned me. Somehow, she’s been following me… I can feel it. I’ve felt it for a while now, but seeing her face on the news today confirmed it. She’s coming for me.”
Bullshit.
“No. I’m not letting you walk out this door and walk out of our lives. You’re a goddamned lawyer, and I have connections everywhere. We’ll put a fucking guard outside this door until that lunatic is found, but, I swear to you, I will not let you leave me because you’re scared.” I rumble, angry that the thought won’t leave her mind.
“It’s not safe,” she whispers again.
Goddamnit!
“How many times do I have to tell you that I don’t care? I know the risks I’m taking, having a kid and bringing her out in public. Dammit, Gabby… I love you. Every bit of you. Stay here, and let me fucking help you.”
She sniffles and sits up, staring at me with her beautiful yet extremely different eyes.
“You’d put yourself in danger for me?”
She’s so convinced something bad is going to happen that it breaks my heart even more. She grew up with nothing but pain and bad news. It’s all she’s used to.
“I’m not going anywhere, baby.” I pull her in to me, and kiss her forehead gently. “Neither are you.”
She sighs and, together, we lay back on to the bed, holding on to each other until sleep finally hits.
The next day at work, Adam walks in to my office and closes the door immediately.
“Problem, B.” He sits on the chair opposite my desk, and puts his hands behind his neck.
Raising my eyebrows in question, I wait for him to explain.
“Annaliese won’t let me have the prostitute gig,” he says seriously.
“Oh,” I answer, trying not to crack a smile. “Well… too bad.”
I now know he’s been fucking with me all along when he cracks a grin then grits his jaw tight.
“Fuck you, man!” I laugh and he busts out laughter.
“How the fuck long were you going to believe that I’d take on a business like them?!” He’s laughing so hard right now; it’s good to see it after everything lately.
“Dude, you were believable. You’ve been brushing up on your acting skills.”
“Right, with all my free time,” he scoffs. “Those girls were annoying as hell. I dropped contact with them the day after the meeting when Annaliese found out about it.” He chuckles and crosses his ankle on his knee.
“Oh, so she did find out about it?”
“Fuck, yes, she did. And I had to sleep on the couch! Thing is nice looking, and crazy expensive… but it sleeps like shit.”
I can’t help but laugh at him. Sometimes all it takes is a woman to bring us back to reality.
“Hey, if I would need your help with some personal issues… you game?”
“Intriguing…” he hums, tapping his fingers on the chair. “Gabby?”
“Something like that, yeah,” I say. I’m not sure how much she wants me to tell people about her past and her crazy mother, but I need to know Adam will have our back if everything starts falling apart.
“Anything you need, man. Anything at all.”
“Thanks. Now, get out. I have a phone interview with a possible small business that wants your money,” I say, nodding at the door.
“Have fun giving my money away. Make good decisions, bro. A-Team out,” he says, then shuts the door behind him.
Right before my phone call, I get a text from Gabby.
GABBY: I’d like to take Hannah to the park. Do you think that would be okay?
She what? I didn’t think she wanted to even be with us, and now she wants to take her out in public? I can’t say ‘no’, because then I’d put off the vibe that I think something could go wrong. What could go wrong? Definitely nothing with your girlfriend’s crazy mother… or the fact that your girlfriend herself is prone to panic attacks and blackouts that leave her cold on the floor.
Fuck.
ME: That’s fine. Just be careful and have fun.
I hit send, and then look around my office. All the pictures of Hannah as a newborn, Hannah’s one month, two month and so on images.
I can’t lose her. I can’t lose Gabby. So, instead of taking the phone call when it comes in, I have it rescheduled and leave the office. Gabby told me what park they’re going to. I won’t ruin their girl time, but I will keep an eye on them… just to make sure they’re safe until they get back inside my place and behind locked doors.
If Gabby wants to live a real life, wants to try to be normal, and this is how she wants to do it, I’m going to be right there watching her, making sure everything is safe and secure for the two girls I love most in this world.
Even if she doesn’t know it.
It’s all OK
Gabby
The swings creak and I leave one hand on her as long as I can before she swings forward again. I like the fact that she’s not fully mobile yet, so coming to the park is as easy as sitting her in a swing and letting her laugh and enjoy herself, locked in one place where I can be right by her. I’ve been watching the other people here, and, so far, no one looks familiar and no one puts off a ‘killer’ vibe. Not that I wouldn’t know my mom the second I saw her, but she’s evil enough to hire someone to off me if she thinks I’ll run.
Which I would, if it came down to it.
Of course, the anxiety I typically feel when out in public is heightened to new levels today with the threat of my mother finding me, as well as being out here with Hannah, but I’ve been focusing on keeping her laughing. Her laughter has kept me grounded so far.
We swing for an hour like this, making silly noises and faces every time the swing brings her back to me. The fit of giggles this girl has comin
g out of her has put a permanent smile on my face. She’s so bright and happy and innocent. At one point, I thought that being around her would make my panic attacks and flashbacks worse, since I’d constantly be being reminded of what I lost… but somehow she’s the best therapy I’ve ever had. She’s happy and carefree. She’s small and brave. She’s innocent.
I love her like she were my own, and I think that’s why I can do this without freaking out. I know what happened when I was neglectful of my own child. Sure, the court system said it was just an accident, and no blame was laid on me legally, but I know the truth. I was neglectful and he suffered. They both did. I’ll never be that neglectful again, especially now that Hannah is in my life.
“You about ready to go home, Hannah Banana?” I ask, pulling her out of the swing and pressing my chilly nose to hers. She giggles and snuggles her face into the crook of my neck, signaling that naptime is almost near.
I was thrilled when Benton said I could keep her at his place today. Not having a job, the days get lonely and long. Having her with me has helped break some of that up. During her morning nap, I napped with her, and, if all goes well, she’ll be asleep for the walk home and transfer to her crib nicely, allowing me time to get a much needed phone call made.
On the walk back to his place… our place… I make sure to make eye contact with every person that passes me. None of them look like they know me, or are up to anything suspicious, but that doesn’t loosen the grip I have on Hannah’s stroller.
No one will take her from me.
Walking back into the apartment, I grab my phone and text Benton that we’re back inside safely and locked in. I texted him a few times from the park, but he never answered. I hope he’s just busy, and not hurt and needing me somewhere.
See?! That’s where my mind fucking goes. Always negative. It pisses me off.
I was right that Hannah would fall asleep and pat myself on the back when I’m able to get her in her crib without her waking up.
After checking the door and window locks one more time, I sit on the couch and call Annaliese. We spoke briefly the other day when she called and apologized for everything that happened here the night I finally told Benton, but really she didn’t have to. After everything calmed down from that, I realized that she couldn’t have done anything more perfect… because it brought Benton and I closer in the long run. I haven’t, however, filled her in on the drama with my mom. She needs to know… Me being in her wedding could be catastrophic.