Saving Her

by Mia Ford

  She turns on her heels and races back up the stairs, I can hear her thundering footsteps. My breaths fall raggedly out of my mouth, my head spins as the emotions drain from me. I know I should probably go and speak to Serena, to try and make things right, but for now I just want her to go. I don’t want to resolve things because I don’t want her around anymore.

  I slump backwards onto the couch and slide my eyes closed. Images of babies and baby clothing, mess and bottles, crying ad late nights, dirty diapers and illness... they all fill my mind and make me feel sick. How can I have it all? I can’t be a father with someone who, quite frankly, I hardly know. I can’t be responsible for human life and run my business all at once. This isn’t the right time.

  With a weary sigh I push myself up. I don’t want to see Serena again, at least for the time being, but I do need to make sure this issue is resolved before she leaves. I hang about at the bottom of the stairs just waiting for her to come back down. I know she won’t wait up there forever, she’s leaving, she has too much pride to stay.

  Eventually, with a thick coat on her and jeans donning her legs now, she moves back down the stairs. She’s carrying a heavy suitcase, one I should probably offer to take from her, but I don’t. I wait with my hand stuffed into my pockets.

  “Look, Serena. I think we need to be smart about this,” I say quietly. “I think we need to think about our options here. How about tomorrow morning I book you an appointment at one of those clinics? I’ll pay for it of course, like you said we’re equally responsible.”

  She recoils in horror and clutches her hand protectively to her stomach. “One of those clinics? You mean an abortion clinic? You think I should get rid of this baby?”

  “It just isn’t the right time,” I offer up. “And I do think we should get to know one another properly first. This has just highlighted that, hasn’t it?”

  “I cannot believe you.” Tears fill her eyes. “I actually cannot believe you. I guess you’re right... I don’t know you at all. If you thought I would give up my baby then you don’t know me either.”

  She pushes past me and gets to the front door. Her hand rests on the handle where she leaves it for just a moment. I can see her thinking, and I’m also pretty sure that I see a tear splashing to the ground beneath her. I want to comfort her, but at the same time I think she’s in the wrong too. I can’t believe that she won’t even try to see things from my perspective. How is it fair that I’m going to be forced to be a father, even thought I don’t want to be?

  “I’m sorry it’s ended this way,” Serena says though gritted teeth. “I am grateful for everything that you’ve done for me, but this is something that we’ll never agree on. For now, this is it.”

  She leaves and I have a hollow sensation in my chest but I know that I’ve done the right thing. My business has always come first and that’s just the way it needs to be. If I want success, then I don’t have a choice and success has always been my number one priority.

  Chapter Twenty – Serena

  “Thank you for letting me stay, Tia, I really appreciate it,” I tell her sadly. “It means a lot to me that you would do that.”

  “Serena, it’s been a week. You don’t have to thank me every day.” She glances down at my cell phone, clutched tightly between my fingers. “Still no news, huh?”

  When I first turned up at Tia’s house in the middle of the night with the positive pregnancy test that she’d told me to buy, she welcomed me in with open arms. I told her it wouldn’t be for long, just until Ben saw sense and apologised but that hasn’t happened yet. He’s being stubborn. It has to be that, he can’t really want me to get rid of my baby, can he?

  I rub my belly, despite the fact that there’s only a tiny little bump there, and I feel a wash of moroseness again. After I got over the initial shock, I realised how happy I am to become a Mom. Especially to Ben’s baby. How does he not feel the same? Maybe I should have listened to Marie’s warning more than I did.

  “No news yet. I’m sure there will be soon, and if not I’ll get off your couch anyway. I’m sure you want your home back.”

  “Where will you go?” Tia gives me a curious look. “I mean, I’m happy for you to stay as long as you need to, but I’m sure you aren’t comfortable on the couch. And what with my roommates...”

  “Yeah, I know, it’s uncomfortable,” I sigh deeply. “I have a doctor’s appointment today, an ultrasound for the baby, so I guess what I’ll do is message Ben, let him know, see what he thinks when he comes to the appointment, then go from there... I suppose I could always go home to my parents.”

  There is it, the dreaded fate that I’ve been trying to avoid ever since I first set foot in the city. The idea has always been there, nipping at my heels, reminding me that everything might not stay great forever and now the possibility is becoming all too real. I might actually have to face it. With a baby in my belly and no wedding ring on my finger. That’s going to go down really well. At least I’d get to see Ethan, I suppose. It’s been a very long time since I saw my baby brother. I wonder how much he’s grown...

  “Ring him now,” Tia insists, shaking me from my thoughts. “Ring Ben, see if he wants to come with you.”

  I scroll through the names in my phone until I find his, then I hover my finger over it for a moment. There’s a part of me that’s absolutely desperate to speak to him, I really want to hear his voice again even if he isn’t saying pleasant words to me. I really want to know how he’s feeling, a bit of my suspects that he might not be calling me because he’s too proud, too scared that I might yell at him... but what if he isn’t? What if he just doesn’t want anything more to do with me?

  “I think I’ll text him,” I say without meeting Tia’s eyes for fear of the judgement that I just know will be there. “It’s easier, it makes things more casual and I don’t want to disturb him if he’s at work. That’s why all of this happened after all, because he’s so busy at his job.”

  “Alright, if you’re sure that’s wise.” Tia moves out from the living room and heads towards her bedroom. As she goes, I feel jealous. I miss having a bedroom to go and lock myself in. This whole living on the couch of other people just isn’t working for me.

  I need to make some changes.

  ‘Ben, I have an appointment today at the hospital. I will be outside there at eleven AM if you want to come. Serena.’

  After I hit send I wonder if that’s a bit harsh. I read and re read the words but they don’t get any better. It hardly matters though, I suppose, I’ve said what I need to say and that’s all that’s important. Ben just needs to know where I’ll be and when. That gives him the option then, he knows what is going on. There isn’t any way that he can blame me for not letting him know what was going on.

  I wait for a moment, but of course I don’t get anything back. I would like to think that he’s just in a meeting or he’s digesting the information, but in reality I know that he’s just ignoring me. The rose tinted goggles that made me see everything like a fairy tale are long gone. Nothing is magical, nothing is perfect, there are no Prince Charming’s, no adventures going to fall into my lap. Everything that’s happened to me has done so because I’ve sat back and waited... naively.

  I can’t even call Jenny anymore because she’ll say I told you so. She’ll also not be too pleased that I’m staying with Tia, I imagine since they have a bit of a history. I don’t know. I just don’t want to worry her anymore than I already have. I can’t be that selfish. She’s out there living the dream, enjoying her life. She doesn’t need that ruined by me. I got myself into this mess, somehow I need to get myself out of it.

  But first, I need to get dressed. I have a doctor’s appointment to get to. Despite all of this bullshit with Ben, I’m excited to see my baby on that screen for the very first time.

  “It’s just you and me, I guess,” I say to my bump. “I mean, he might show, but I don’t think he will.”

  I wonder if he’d turn up to the abortion clinic
. Maybe he’d be more keen to see that happen. I still cannot believe he said that, it makes me feel ill. I can’t think about that today, I just can’t. I need to focus. It’s only my baby that matters now...

  ***

  My cheeks sting with cold as I enter the hospital room. After humiliatingly waiting outside until the very last moment, just for Ben not to turn up, I’m now the tiniest bit late and I’m angry and upset too. How can he just not be here? After everything that’s happened, I still thought he’d turn up. This is his baby’s ultrasound after all.

  But no, he doesn’t care. Not enough to be here.

  “Hello there,” the friendly looking doctor says to me with a smile. Her light brown hair is pulled into a stark looking bun which makes her look a bit fierce to be honest. Her grin is nice enough though so maybe I shouldn’t judge. “How are you feeling today?”

  “Oh, fine,” I say as I take my seat. There’s no point in telling her the whole messy truth. “Bit tired, but aside from that.” I shrug because I don’t want to get into it too much.

  “How is your morning sickness? Have you had much in your first trimester?”

  “I’ve been feeling very sick, but I haven’t had much vomit to be honest.”

  “Okay.” She types something on the computer for a moment and I can’t help but wonder if my lack of sickness is that interesting. “And how have you been in yourself?”

  Dreadful, miserable, lonely... I don’t think that’s what she wants to know. “Okay generally. Not too bad.”

  “Good, good. Right well if you just hop up onto the bed then I’ll perform the ultrasound. We can take a little look at your little man or girl.”

  “Will I find out the gender today?” I don’t even know if I want to. I haven’t much thought about it yet.

  “No, we can’t do that just yet, the picture won’t be clear enough. If you want to know, you will have to wait until you’re twenty weeks in.”

  “Half way?” That’s so far away. Now I really want to know. “Okay, fair enough.”

  I lie on the table and pull my top up to reveal my slightly swollen belly. The doctor pours some extremely cold jelly across me which instantly makes me shiver. Then she grabs a white device that’s attached to an old fashioned looking computer screen.

  “Right, let’s do this.”

  The doctor smiles down at me one more time and I try to match her expression but all I can really focus on is the fact that Ben isn’t here. He should be, but he’s not. He’s missing out on one of the biggest moments in his baby’s life.

  Maybe he’s never going to be around.

  “The heart beat is strong,” the doctor mumbles as she rubs the machine across me. A black and white grainy image pops up, but I can’t yet see anything that resembles a baby. “Really strong. Actually that might be a bit erratic...”

  I tune her out as she speaks and just watch the screen fascinated. Ben flows from my mind as well, if he cannot be bothered to be here then that truly is his own problem. If he isn’t interested in this wonderful miracle of life that he’s created, then that’s up to him. Right now, all I care about is the gorgeous little being inside of me.

  There’s a stirring and lots of shapes but nothing I can quite make out. Still I stare at the screen as if it’s the most amazing thing in the world. It’s my insides, how weird is that? It’s a part of me that I never thought I would see and although I can’t quite tell what it is, it hardly matters now.

  “Yep, just as I suspected.” All of a sudden, the doctor pulls me from my thoughts. “There are two babies in there.”

  “T... two?” I stammer awkwardly. “What do you mean, two?”

  “Twins.” She says this in such a matter of fact tone that it makes my heart stop dead in my chest. “Are there any twins in your family? It usually runs through.”

  “I don’t think so.” I shake my head. If there were I would know about it.

  “And what about the father of the babies? Does he?”

  It hits me how little we know about each other. Of all the awful things that Ben said to me, that’s the one that’s stuck. We don’t know anything really, we just got stuck in a bubble We told each other little things and convinced ourselves that we were opening up.

  What me and Ben had was a sham.

  “I’m not sure,” I admit. “Are they identical?”

  “Again that’s something we don’t know at this stage, so I can’t tell you that I’m afraid.” I think she can tell by the look on my face that I’m not quite okay with this. “Would you like me to give you some literature so you can read through it? Get more used to the idea of having twins. The pregnancy will be different and so will the birth. It might be better to be well informed.”

  “Yes please,” I gasp back. “Thank you.”

  What do I do now? Do I tell Ben? On the one hand if he doesn’t want one baby he definitely won’t want two, but if I keep it from him am I the bad person? I want to let him know everything so I can’t be blamed for everything, but this is heavy. I just don’t know.

  I take the information from the doctor and thank her in a blur. Then I stagger out of the hospital in a real state of shock. I suppose if I’m going to tell Ben then I need to do it now. Before all sensibilities kick in and I absolutely lose it.

  Twins... that changes everything. Now I really need to get myself in order. There’s no more waiting around now. I have to do something drastic and quickly.

  Chapter Twenty One – Ben

  “Dude, your phone has been ringing for hours,” Kyle slurs drunkenly at me over the music. “Are you going to answer it or can you turn it off already?”

  I don’t know why I’m out with Kyle actually, I’ve realised that I don’t really like him much, but he’s one of the clients that’s stuck around so I have to treat him right. I want to get out anyway, aside from working all I want to do is party and have fun at the moment. I need to forget the weird little new life that I created for myself, the one that ended in utter disaster. I need to get back to just being me. This is what I do, drinking, dancing, fucking around... this is more me. It’s good to have that side of me back. Or at least some of it.

  “Oh, it’s Mom,” I slur back as I stand up. “I better give her a call back.”

  Kyle barely pays any attention to me, he’s too busy trying to get into the pants of the bar maid who’s much too young for him and definitely not interested, so I leave without saying anything more. He barely needs me with him to be honest, I don’t know why I came.

  I pick up as soon as I get outside into the fresh air and a bit of silence, but I don’t even manage to say anything before she starts of on a rant that must have been building for hours.

  “Ben, what the hell is going on with you? I’ve been trying to ring you for two days.”

  “Been busy,” I shoot back in a pathetic, snappy tone. “You know how it is.”

  “Busy? Sounds like you’re out drinking to me. What is going on with you?”

  “Nothing, Mom. I’m just focusing on getting the business back on track. Things slid for a while because I was distracted but it’s all good now. I’m only out now because I’m entertaining a client.” Why I feel the need to explain myself I’ll never know. That’s just the effect that Mom has on me. “It’s all good, Mom. You don’t need to worry about me.”

  “The business.” She sounds resigned. “And how does Serena feel about you spending all your time working and drinking again? I’m sure she’s very pleased. And when will I get to meet her? You promised me that I would soon but I’ve got nothing from you.”

  My heart aches at her words. She’s talking about a life I don’t have anymore, a version of myself that I had to sacrifice for my business. Much as I know I did the right thing, I know Mom won’t get it. I don’t even know how to explain it all to her. I’m going to have to leave some certain details out. The baby, for instance. I cannot tell her that.

  “Me and Serena are no more, Mom, so it’s probably a good job you never met her.
” I kick a stone on the floor as I speak. I feel childish and silly, but the booze has loosened my tongue slightly. “I don’t know what I was thinking with her really. It was obvious from the start that we were never going to be. We couldn’t last because we are just too different.”

  “Oh, Ben.” Mom sounds sad for me now. I think there’s some pity there which I really don’t need. “Why do you always have to put the company first? If you’re having some troubles, hire some better management staff. Or scale back just a little bit, or even a lot, you can now. You’ve made more than enough money to live comfortably for the rest of your life. I don’t know why you can’t focus on other things now. It seems silly to me.”

  I rub my forehead hard. “Mom, you don’t get it and you’re never going to get it. I work because I have to, I can’t have all these distractions. I’m young anyway, twenty eight years old, I don’t need to be thinking about girlfriends, or marriage, or babies...”

  “Babies?” Shit, I’ve said the magic word and Mom has leapt on it. “Was there a baby in the picture? Ben, you better tell me if there was.”

  I can’t tell her, but I can’t lie to her either, so instead I change the subject to get her off the phone. “Mom, I can’t talk about this right now. I’m in a business meeting like I said. Can we discuss it another time? Please?” I need her to listen, I’m desperate for her to just get it.

  “I’ll come and visit you then, alright?” She’s giving in, thank goodness.