Coconuts and Wonderbras

by Lynda Renham

  He is wearing nothing but a pair of shorts and as much as I try to direct my eyes to his face they just keep strolling to his… well you know how it is.

  I grab the fan off him and point to the curtain.

  ‘If you wouldn’t mind.’

  ‘Certainly, and if you wouldn’t mind keeping the noise down, some of us are trying to sleep. By the way, you looked very nice this evening.’

  I am speechless. Before I can respond he is gone. Did he actually say I looked nice? Not fat, or a bit overweight, or even a bit on the plump side but very nice? Blimey, he must be delirious with the heat. I get into the bed and turn the fan on full. I strain my ears but can hear no sound through the curtain. Tomorrow I will make arrangements to return home. Did I really say I wouldn’t go to bed with him even if he asked? I embarrass myself, I truly do. With a cringe I pull the sheet over my head.

  Chapter Fourteen

  I wake up hot, sweaty and with light streaming in through the window. I groan. I groan even louder when I see it is only six o’clock and hear the cockerel. How is a girl supposed to get her beauty sleep around here? I squeeze my eyes shut and attempt to ignore the crowing. After five minutes I irritably climb from the bed. I hear Alex talking to the hotel owner downstairs. So, he is up, which is a bit disconcerting because it means at some point he wandered through my room and past my bed. This is unless, of course, he spirited himself down the rickety staircase which wouldn’t surprise me. He would have seen me stark naked as I awoke in the early hours sweating like a Cambodian pig and threw everything off me. I peer out of the window to view the dastardly cockerel. The view is amazing. All I can see are rice fields and blue skies. Not far in the distance is a temple. How lovely to have a temple so near. It can only be about 100 metres away. I must have a look later. Oh no. My mother’s words echo in my head,

  ‘It looked fabulous, and it has a beautiful temple with a huge bell. Apparently when the monks sound the bell all of the villagers go to the temple. How amazing is that?’

  Please don’t let it be that village. I dive into my handbag and pull out the address that Jamie had given me. Sod it. It is neatly written in both English and Khmer and most certainly directs us to Siem Reap. I gave the driver the wrong piece of paper. I’m in the village mother recommended. Oh, wonderful. Now, how do I tell Alex-never-make-a-mistake-Bryant what I’ve done? I really don’t want to hear his I told you so, especially not at this time of the morning. I head downstairs to reluctantly impart the bad news.

  ‘Ah, good morning,’ he greets me brightly, ‘did you sleep well?’

  ‘Very well, thank you.’

  He is clean shaven, fresh faced and looks disgustingly healthy and fit. I open my mouth to tell him my mistake and close it again when he says.

  ‘I’m waiting for Jamie to call back. I’ve left a message and told him the name of the village. It’s not ideal. I can’t understand what went wrong. I covered all the bases to keep us secure.’

  Oh dear. This is so not good. How on earth do I break the awful news?

  ‘If I find out who has put us in danger…’ he continues.

  On second thoughts, maybe it’s best not to break the awful news after all.

  ‘Are we really in danger,’ I ask, trying to hide the tremor in my voice. I don’t want him thinking I am a coward, even if I am.

  ‘At the moment all westerners are good hostage material, if that’s what you mean?’

  I look around for the other guests.

  ‘We are the only guests,’ he says reading my mind. ‘There is some fruit for your breakfast and coffee in the pot. The owners have gone into the village.’

  I notice he is far too diplomatic to mention last night. He turns from me to take a call on his mobile while I pick up a bowl of watermelon. I have donned the same dress I had on last night and although it is already hot I feel a lot cooler than when we arrived last night. Toby hasn’t replied to my text. Come to that, neither has Jamie. I pour myself a cup of coffee and wander outside to the veranda. I step around the baby chicks that I’m pleased to see are still alive and sit on a rickety chair. I can now see that the hotel is nothing but a ramshackle old house which stands on stilts. No wonder there were so many steps when we arrived. Opposite is a never-ending rice field, and the view is breathtaking. The sun shimmers on the water between the tufts of rice plants and a solitary cow grazes by the side of the sandy road. An old cart is propped against the house almost resembling a biblical scene. The terrain is flat, and I can see palm trees in the distance. I sip at my coffee and soak up the tranquillity of the place. The sun bathes my skin with deep warmth. You would never think there was an uprising here. It is so peaceful.

  ‘Ah, you’re here. That was Jamie on the phone.’

  This morning he is wearing combat trousers and a loose black top. He looks a little more like the superhero, and I find myself viewing him the way I always have. I’ve never liked him. How could I like someone who has humiliated my boyfriend in public? But, it is hard not to admire his good looks and his obvious bravery.

  ‘It’s quite lovely here,’ I say wistfully.

  ‘And very unsafe and totally exposed,’ he says in that don’t worry, I can take them all single handed voice I so detest.

  He is so intense. This is Cambodia, not the Middle East. I often think he gets his countries muddled up. At that moment my Blackberry blares loudly from my handbag. Thinking it may be Jamie I plunge my hand in to grab it. It’s Toby, and I hesitate as I don’t want Alex to hear our conversation. I hesitate for too long, and the call goes to voicemail. I’m about to throw it back into my bag when it rings again. God, he is persistent. He must be missing me. I feel so happy I could jump up and dance. I’m beginning to think that coming to Cambodia was a good idea after all. I wait for Alex to go inside but does he? No, he just stands there looking at me. I answer the phone and hope my voice doesn’t shake.

  ‘Libby, is that you?’

  No, it’s the Queen Mother. Who else would it be?

  ‘Yes, of course it’s me. Are you…’

  ‘You’ve got to get out of there. Jamie said you’ve somehow ended up in Khum Pleeung.’

  What is he on about?

  ‘What is the weather like there? I bet it feels Christmassy. What are you doing over… ?’ I begin pleasantly.

  ‘Why did that bastard take you there, he should have known better, Jesus Christ, what a wanker…’

  I cough slightly but make no comment.

  ‘If anything happens to you I’ll never forgive that idiot, or myself for that matter. I wish you were here Libs. I really miss you.’

  Blimey, I should go away more often.

  ‘Well…’ I begin.

  ‘Why the hell did he take you there when you were booked into a hotel in Siem Reap? I’ll have Bryant hung by his balls for this, that’s if he’s got any, the stupid bastard,’ yells Toby.

  I imagine he is quite red in the face. This must mean he really loves me. I decide not to tell him, after what I saw of Alex Bryant last night, that he most certainly has balls. Oh yes indeed, of that I have no doubt. I feel my face grow hot and turn it from Alex.

  ‘I don’t mind telling you, if I was there I’d make mincemeat of that arrogant bastard.’

  ‘Toby, I’m getting a bit confused. What exactly are you talking about?’ I say finally, when sensing he is about to take a breath.

  ‘You’re in the heart of it. You’re fucking sitting ducks. If you’re lucky they will hang, draw and quarter him.’

  The truth is I have no idea what on earth he is on about. I know we are not in Siem Reap but he is making it sound like we are in the middle of a drug baron war. All I have managed to ascertain is that Toby is very angry and wants to make mincemeat of Alex, presumably after he has hung him by his balls, and if he has not already been hung, drawn and quartered by someone else. Not that I have the vaguest idea who this ‘someone else’ may be. I am beginning to wonder if I should mention that we are here because I buggered up the addr
esses, and not Alex. On reflection maybe not, I really don’t think I could cope with them both shouting at me.

  ‘All I can say is it’s a bloody good job Alex Bryant isn’t standing in front of me,’ rambles on Toby.

  ‘Oh my God, it certainly is,’ I shriek as Alex pulls out a gun. My God, it really is a gun, with a barrel and everything. Christ, how did he get that through customs? When he collected another bag at the airport I didn’t imagine it held his own artillery. He’ll be producing a grenade next, and to think I nearly got arrested for being a terrorist. I ask you.

  ‘I’d have his guts for garters. I’m not scared of him,’ continues Toby.

  Not to mention hanging his balls out to dry. There won’t be much left of Alex to make mincemeat of at the rate Toby is going.

  ‘Why don’t you just have a word with him, he is right beside me,’ I say, finishing on a whimper. I really just want to get away from the damn gun. For the first time since he phoned Toby goes silent.

  ‘Toby, are you still there?’

  Is that a smirk on Bryant’s face? Oh, if it wasn’t for that gun, I would happily wipe it off.

  ‘Well, no, it’s okay. I’m not going to get far talking to him on the phone am I? But, I tell you, if I was there, I would…’

  I sigh. Really, do I have to listen to this?

  ‘Hang draw and quarter him and then hang him by his balls. Of course, this is after you have had his guts for garters and then you will make mincemeat of him. But, of course, you don’t want to tell him what you think of him over the phone.’

  I don’t know why I say all this in front of Alex Bryant. I actually feel quite let down by Toby. If he really loves me, which surely he must considering he is so worried about me, then why doesn’t he tell Alex Bryant what he thinks of him? Alex pulls me by the arm and leads me back into the house. Obviously I don’t argue. The door is slammed shut and Alex shoots the flimsy bolt across. Now, bearing in mind I have no idea what the hell is going on here, I have come to the realisation that it is not good. You don’t pull out guns and slam and bolt doors if everything is hunky-dory now do you? Alex is frantically looking around, and I feel an overwhelming urge to throw myself to the floor like people do in the films. Oh my Lord, It seems like I am not going to stay alive long enough to contract cholera. I stare at the gun.

  ‘Don’t worry, it isn’t loaded. It’s just a scare tactic,’ mumbles Bryant, pushing a chair against the door.

  ‘What’s happening? Is everything okay?’ Toby shouts down the phone.

  I am now trembling so much that I can barely speak.

  ‘I’m really not sure,’ I say in a shaky but I’m attempting to be brave voice.

  Alex is pulling things from under the reception counter but by his grunts he obviously isn’t finding what he is looking for. He fiddles with a belt for a few seconds and then throws it to one side. He turns and studies me and then seems to make a decision.

  ‘Take your bra off,’ he says firmly.

  Jesus, someone help me. What the hell is going on?

  ‘For fuck’s sake, put that arsehole on the phone now,’ screams Toby.

  ‘Libby, take your bra off,’ Alex says again, his voice soft but firm.

  ‘Don’t you fucking dare,’ yells Toby.

  I really don’t see what right Toby has to tell me who I can or can’t take my bra off for. After all, when was the last time he asked me to take off a bra? My bottom lip trembles and my legs suddenly give way, and I quickly grab the reception desk for support.

  ‘We have a situation, we’ve been compromised,’ whispers Alex peering around the curtain.

  ‘Libby, are you there, for Christ’s sake answer,’ cries Toby.

  ‘I’ve been compromised,’ I reply stupidly.

  ‘What! You mean he took advantage of you? That is the last straw… I…’

  ‘No not Alex.’

  ‘Who then?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ I say beginning to cry.

  How dare Bryant ask me to remove any part of my clothing? Toby is quite right about him, he is indeed a prick. I hand Alex my Blackberry with shaking hands.

  ‘Toby wants to speak to you,’ I hiss, tears streaming down my cheeks. ‘Toby is very angry with you.’

  ‘I couldn’t care what Toby is feeling,’ he says, snatching the phone and clicking it off.

  ‘I hate you,’ I cry.

  ‘Whatever, just give me your bra woman and do as you’re told.’

  I can’t take my eyes off the gun. I’m not sure I believe him when he said it wasn’t loaded. I’m here for a book conference for Christ’s sake, not the showdown at the OK Corral. There is a lot of shouting from outside and from the window I can see a group of men angrily waving sticks and heading towards the house. What if they make me watch them hang draw and quarter Alex? I know I hate him but not that much. A stick hits the window and I scream and dive dramatically to the floor, accidentally grabbing Alex Bryant by the leg as I do so. We both fall and Alex collapses on top of me. I feel the heat from his body and his pounding heart vibrates against my chest. His face is so close to mine that his breath seems to caress my neck. I feel a strange tingle deep inside me.

  ‘We really have been compromised, Libby. The rebels are holed up in this village. They think we’re a threat or a possible hostage negotiation prospect. I don’t want to get too aggressive with them but I need to see them off. There is nothing here I can use. Now, will you please give me your bra? It’s better than nothing. Whatever you think of me, I can assure you I am not a rapist.’

  His soft whisper sounds like a caress, and if I wasn’t so scared I think I might have swooned just a little bit. I wasn’t really thinking that he was going to rape me, was I? Okay, yes I suppose I was. What was I supposed to think? He looks into my eyes and we both jump at the sound of shouting and cracks at the window. I really am going to die in Cambodia. I roll over onto my stomach and pull my dress straps down. It takes some manoeuvring to get the top part of my dress down while lying on the floor. Before I have time to lean back to unclasp my bra, Alex has already expertly unclipped it. Without a moment’s hesitation he whips it out from under me. His warm body leaves mine and I crawl behind the counter and pull my dress up. I sneak a look around the counter to see Alex outside swinging my bra around his head. Good God, my Wonderbra has become a slingshot. I know it is the eighth wonder of the world but isn’t this taking things just a bit too far? I’m seriously having a Wonderbra moment in that nothing seems entirely what it really is. My phone shrills and I cover my ears to drown out the sound. The shouting is much louder now and more continuous as they seem to be chanting something. I am gripping the corners of the counter so hard that I swear the circulation in my hands has stopped. All I can think about is how good Alex smelt and how warm and delicious his breath felt on my neck. Stop being so stupid Libby. As if a man like Alex Bryant would even give me a second glance.

  The temple bell chimes three or four times. I realise that Alex must be using my bra as a slingshot to fire pebbles at the temple bell. The shouting becomes fainter, and I realise the crowd are retreating. They must all be going to the temple. Alex returns and looks at me and seems strangely embarrassed. I quickly look down. It would be just like me to have my bloody tits on show. No, all is well, but I’m not hanging half as well as I was earlier when wearing my Wonderbra. Although that stone infested thing is not getting anywhere near my breasts now, I can assure you.

  ‘Are you okay?’ he asks almost shyly.

  I attempt to stand up, but my legs give way. How embarrassing. He must think me such a weakling. It isn’t every day that armed rebels attack the hotel I am staying in, is it? And it certainly isn’t every day I am boldly asked to whip my bra off in order to fight them off. Thank God he didn’t ask for my knickers. The only pair I could find this morning was my Spanx panties. Massively embarrassing, of course, but highly useful. Next time we get attacked I shall just strip off and ask him what bit of my underwear is the weapon of choice to fight t
he enemy.

  ‘I can’t think why you didn’t use your gun,’ I say, accepting his hand and allowing him to pull me up. ‘That surely would have been more effective than my bra and easier to get your hands on.’

  Oh God, that sounds awful and very wrong. He raises his eyebrows but says nothing. I attempt to put things right and of course things just get worse.

  ‘What I mean is, pulling out your gun surely would have been far easier than taking off my bra. It would have saved you all the trouble.’

  ‘It was no trouble,’ he replies in a calm cool, smooth voice that has more of an impact than if he had just made a pass at me.

  I feel myself flush red.

  ‘I don’t know what you’ve read or what your boyfriend has told you, but the rebels aren’t all they seem. They actually have some very valid arguments. I didn’t want us to be a bargaining tool for them. Hopefully they now know that we will defend ourselves, but we’re not aggressors. We need to leave here and get to Siem Reap. If you really want to learn what we are dealing with, read my book and not some badly researched article by Toby. You would do well to consider writing some stuff yourself while you’re here.’

  I realise his hand is still holding mine and I reluctantly slide it away and pat my hair.

  ‘We should pack,’ he says in a practical voice and strolls away from me and seems to leap up the rickety stairs. He stops half way and turns.

  ‘We don’t have time for you to change, or time to pack all your stuff. I’m taking one rucksack. Get together essentials and then we’re going.’

  I stare at him.

  ‘Oh yes, very useful,’ he smiles and tosses the bra to me.

  I can barely breathe and feel an overwhelming urge to phone Issy for advice. Before I can, my Blackberry rings. It is Toby. I hear his booming voice before I even put the phone to my ear.

  ‘What the fuck. Are you okay Libby? He’s a bloody maniac…’

  ‘Toby, you are massively overreacting. We were compromised but Alex has everything in hand. We have to move out right away.’

  Christ, I am sounding like a female Alex Bryant.