Hidden in the Heart

by Catherine West

  Darcie’s translucent gaze moved over all of them, her eyes troubled. “What’s going on here?”

  “Darce, just calm down…” Rick moved in to put an arm around her.

  She shook him off. “Would somebody please tell me what that guy was talking about?”

  Michelle shot a scathing glance at Rick. “I knew I shouldn’t have come here. You are not someone to be trusted, Rick Matthews. You never were.” She pushed past the small group and Claire caught her breath as she stopped and fumbled in her purse. Turning back to Darcie, she handed her a business card. “Call me later, please.” She took quick steps in the direction of the door, then stopped again and walked back to where Claire stood.

  Claire’s pulse raced as she locked eyes with the woman who’d given her life. The feeling was unlike anything she’d ever experienced. She wanted to laugh and cry at the same time, but tears trumped.

  Michelle mirrored her pained expression. She glanced at James and shook her head. “Mr. Ferguson. Small world.”

  “Something like that,” he replied in a quiet voice.

  She placed a hand on Claire’s arm, her dark eyes glistening. “I’m sorry. I just can’t talk to you right now.”

  And then she was gone.

  ~

  Rick raced down the sidewalk, bumping into people and jostling his way around couples holding hands as they walked. “Shelly, wait!” How could she walk that fast in those heels? “Would you stop? I’m going to have a heart attack.”

  That got her attention. Rick leaned over, trying to catch his breath. He heard the quick click of her heels coming his way and he looked up to meet her eyes as she stopped in front of him.

  Her eyes flashed daggers. “Good. I hope you die right here on the street. Really.” She turned and picked up her pace again. “Stop following me or I’ll scream for the cops.”

  Rick ignored the irrational threat, managed to catch her this time and grabbed her arm. “I had no idea they were coming! I’m not lying to you. They wanted to surprise me. It was Darcie’s idea. I would never have planned that, Shel, for you to meet Claire that way…come on. Give me a break here.”

  “Why should I?” Michelle’s voice rose to a high-pitched shriek as she yanked her arm out of his grip. He wondered if he should call a doctor or something because she looked on the verge of a nervous breakdown. “I’m sure I just got through telling you how difficult this has been—what a nightmare I lived through after you left—and then…there…she was. I…can’t…deal…with this.” Low sobs strangled her words until they took over completely.

  Rick let out his breath, pulled her into his arms and gently guided her across the street to a park bench. Michelle crumpled in his arms and sobbed. He suspected she hadn’t really cried for a very long time. The aloof, career-driven professional she had become was a stark contrast to the young girl he’d left behind all those years ago.

  He held her against him for what felt like hours. He didn’t know how long. Didn’t trust himself to speak.

  All he could do was hold her and utter silent, urgent prayers.

  ~

  Michelle allowed Rick to take her home but she’d said goodbye at the door and sent him back to the gallery. She took a hot bath and downed half a bottle of wine. She hadn’t felt so out of control in years.

  And she hated it.

  It hadn’t taken Darcie long to call. Her daughter wanted answers. Michelle didn’t blame her, but she wasn’t in any state to talk. She’d stupidly assumed her parents had told Darcie the truth by now. Darcie’s stunned expression after Landon’s faux pas had quickly set her straight.

  Michelle tossed throughout the night, seeing Claire’s stricken face before her every time she closed her eyes.

  She needed time alone.

  Time to process everything and figure out what to do about it, and how to make it go away.

  As if.

  Early the next morning she called Darcie and asked her to come over. She wouldn’t be going to work. Kevin would live without her for a day. Or a few days.

  There was no putting off the inevitable.

  If it were as easy as telling Darcie everything and being done with it, she’d have some peace. But there was no getting around what she’d done. How she’d treated her own daughter.

  The exact same way her parents had treated her.

  And she wasn’t sure Darcie needed to know that.

  Sins of the fathers.

  How many generations would suffer the same mistakes?

  The doorbell jangled and Michelle buzzed her in. Darcie walked into the apartment, looked around and made for the couch. Michelle shut the door and took a seat opposite her daughter.

  Darcie appeared thinner, more mature than she’d been five years ago the last time Michelle had seen her. A pang of guilt twisted around her heart. “Are you all right?”

  “Do I look all right?”

  Michelle winced. “Can I get you something? Coffee’s made.”

  “No.” Darcie’s eyes were red-rimmed, her pale face splotched. Fresh tears formed as she pinned Michelle with an angry glare. “It’s really true? Claire is my sister? Rick said he’s her birth father.”

  “Yes. He is. She’s your half sister.”

  “I don’t believe this.” Darcie shook her head, pulling tissues from the pocket of her shorts. “Rick took me back to the hotel last night and told me the whole story. He said you and Claire hadn’t met. That you were still thinking about it all, and hadn’t made up your mind what to do. Is that why you didn’t tell me?”

  Michelle shrugged. “When I saw you together last night, I assumed you already knew. Darcie, I wouldn’t have wanted you to find out that way.”

  “You didn’t want me to find out at all.” Darcie drew in a deep breath and ripped her hands through her long hair. “Do my grandparents know who Claire is?”

  Michelle nodded and hoped Darcie would leave it at that.

  “This is insane.” Her daughter pushed to her feet and paced the room, her eyes wild. “I know we don’t exactly talk, Mom, but you might have told me I had a sister! How long have you known who Claire was? Just how long has everyone been lying to me?”

  “Nobody lied to you, Darcie. Your grandmother called me a while ago and told me she thought Claire might be the child I’d given up for adoption. Claire put two and two together just around the time you went into hospital. I asked Jessie not to say anything to you yet because I wasn’t sure what to do. I didn’t count on Claire ever finding me.”

  Darcie huffed and pinned her with an accusatory stare. “Am I the only one who sees the irony in this situation?” she hissed, her face pinched with anger. “You tore me to shreds for getting pregnant, Mom. Do you remember that? Do you have any idea how you made me feel?”

  “Yes. I do.” Michelle brushed tears off her cheeks, her hands trembling. The memory of that time, the things she’d said to her own daughter, made her ill. “I’m so sorry for that, Darcie. My harsh reaction was uncalled for. I just didn’t want to see you end up like me. When I got pregnant with Claire, I was young and alone, and I made the best decision I could at the time for my baby. If I could have saved you that pain…”

  “You caused that pain!” Darcie’s voice rose. “You turned your back on me, remember? I had nowhere to go. Thank God for my grandparents, because without them who knows where Jackson and I might be right now. I love my son and I’m not ashamed of him. I made mistakes, and yes, I’m paying for it. Maybe he’ll end up paying for it too, but you could have supported me. Could have shown just a shred of caring. You…you walked in my shoes, Mom!” Darcie’s sob plundered Michelle’s heart but she rode out the waves of pain. She deserved every bruise they caused.

  “Did you even make that connection?” Darcie drew in a deep breath, her anger seeming to fade. She swiped at her tears and studied Michelle with disdain. “Or had you forgotten about Claire completely by that point?”

  “I never forgot her.”

  “Really? Is that why
you want nothing to do with her?” Darcie sank onto a chair and flicked her hair out of her eyes. Her breathing slowed and Michelle saw her gulp air.

  “Darcie? Are you all right?” The last thing they needed was for this to land her back in the hospital. Michelle went to the kitchen and returned with a glass of water.

  “I’m fine. I’m just…” Darcie waved her away, tears streaming down her cheeks. “I’m having a hard time processing this.” She sipped from the glass and finally spoke again, calmer than before. “My whole life I just wanted to please you. Nothing I did was ever good enough for you. I wasn’t pretty enough because I didn’t wear makeup or have the right hair cut. I needed to lose weight. Even when I got good grades, you told me I should try harder, do better. You always pushed me one step further. I finally realized I was never going to make you happy. In the end I just gave up trying.”

  Darcie’s words stunned her. Shocked her and delivered another box full of mistakes.

  Mistakes she could not now go back and fix.

  “I’m sorry,” Michelle whispered, clutching a throw cushion to her chest. “I didn’t realize... Darcie, I never meant to push you like that. I was just so angry with myself, with all the mistakes I’d made.” She fell silent and acknowledged the truth at last.

  “I never got over losing her. Losing my baby. After Rick left me and…well, I was on my own, I knew I couldn’t raise a child alone. I believed placing Claire for adoption was the best thing for her, but it hurt me more than I would have believed. They told me I’d get over it, that I’d move on and make a new life for myself. I wasn’t sure I’d ever be able to do that. I knew my baby wasn’t dead, but it felt like it. And something inside me died too.” She held Darcie’s gaze and summoned the courage to go on.

  “Some days I thought I’d never get through it. And then I met your father and we married, and you came along. I wanted to be a good mother to you, truly I did. I just didn’t believe I could be.”

  “You never gave yourself a chance.” Darcie shook her head, wiping her face with the bottom of her shirt. “Rick told me his side last night. I know he was a jerk, and I know he hurt you, but you let that dictate how you lived the rest of your life, didn’t you?” She gave a brief, sad smile. “After all these years, I think I’ve finally figured you out. You could never love my father properly, fully, with all your heart, because he wasn’t Rick. And you…you could never love me the way I needed you to, because I wasn’t…I wasn’t Claire.” Darcie lowered her head and stifled a sob.

  Michelle let her daughter’s profound words settle deep within her soul and acknowledged them, accepted them, as truth. Truth she could no longer deny.

  “You’re right, Darce. Yes.” Her daughter looked unsure, as though she’d said too much and might now be punished. A sudden reminder of the day she’d told Darcie she was sending her to boarding school flashed before her. At the time she’d believed it was the right thing, but truthfully, Michelle knew she was just shirking responsibility. The same way she had when she’d learned of Darcie’s pregnancy. “Darcie, I’m so sorry. I’m sorry for everything. Please…can you forgive me?”

  Darcie turned away, her shoulders shaking.

  Michelle wanted to go to her, take her in her arms and tell her it would all work out. But she couldn’t. It was too late to make empty promises.

  The silence of the room suffocated her and told her what she already knew.

  There were no second chances.

  After a while, Darcie stood, sniffed and slowly walked to where she sat. Her eyes hardened, but then the softness returned, giving her an almost serene look.

  Michelle held her breath while Darcie sat down and took one of her hands in hers. Tears stood in her eyes but a smile touched her lips. “No matter what happened, what went on between us, you’re still my mother. Of course I forgive you.”

  Michelle took a moment to let the words resonate. She ran the back of her hand down Darcie’s pale cheek. “Thank you.” And then she drew her into a hug, one that she hoped told Darcie all that she was unable to say.

  Eventually Michelle drew back, wiping her eyes. “Can we start over? Or is it too late?”

  Darcie’s smile broadened as she gave a nod. “We can start over. I’d like nothing better. My son needs to know his grandma.”

  New hope surged through Michelle and she smiled for the first time that day.

  Perhaps there was redemption to be found in the ashes of her life.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Claire sat in the living room of Tara’s Place with James beside her, a strong silent presence she didn’t know how she’d ever thought she could live without. Crickets chirped outside and a cool breeze fluttered through the open window.

  The sun had long been down and Jackson slept peacefully upstairs. Mac had asked them all to come in here after supper, saying he had something he needed to share.

  Darcie sat on the floor opposite Claire, leaning up against the other couch. Jessie paced the room, wringing her hands. Eventually Mac cleared his throat and looked from her to Darcie.

  “I’m sorry for what you’ve been through the past few days. I know you’re both hurting. So is Shelly, I’m sure. But we need you to know…want you know, what really happened all those years ago.”

  “Grandpa, we already know.” Darcie sounded tired. In the two days since they’d returned to the lake, she’d spent most of her time with Jackson. She and Claire hadn’t really talked, and Claire wondered if their relationship would change now that Darcie knew the truth. “I just…I can’t believe you would all keep the truth from me. All this time you knew I had a sister and…”

  “No.” Jessie shook her head, her eyes bright. “That’s just it, honey. We didn’t know.”

  Darcie narrowed her eyes. “You didn’t know my mother was pregnant?”

  “Oh, we knew that all right.” Mac pushed to his feet and poured a glass of lemonade from the trolley in the corner of the room. He downed the small glass in one chug. “Your mother, God bless her, didn’t tell you the whole story when you talked, I’m afraid. But we want you to hear it. It’s time for truth now.”

  “What are you talking about?” Darcie wiped her eyes and stared at Mac. “Mom told me everything. She got pregnant, Rick took off, she had Claire, gave her up and moved on with her life. What else is there?”

  Claire wondered the same thing. Rick had alluded to problems between Michelle and her parents, but she never knew the extent of it. She glanced at James, trepidation pricking her. Whatever Mac was about to share, she had a feeling it wouldn’t be easy. For him or them.

  Mac leaned over his knees for a long moment.

  Eventually he raised his head and took a breath. “The year Michelle went off to college marked my tenth anniversary serving as pastor for Bethel’s largest church. You see, my dear,” he went to Darcie and extended a hand. She rose and they sat together on the couch. “Your mother isn’t the only who’s been keeping secrets.”

  “You were a pastor, Grandpa?” Skepticism crept into Darcie’s eyes. Claire raised an eyebrow. This was news to her as well.

  “Oh, yes.” Mac gave a chuckle. Jessie sniffed and nodded in affirmation but said nothing. “I was a very different man back then, girls. My belief system was very black and white. Good and evil. There were no gray areas in our house. God was to be feared and the fires of hell were just a mistake away.” He folded his arms across his chest and studied them through serious eyes. “Shelly was a good girl, a good student. A little headstrong at times.” Mac shot Claire a wink and she smiled, her eyes burning.

  “After we lost our son, Shelly was all we had,” Jessie put in, twisting a paper napkin in her hands. “I know we were overprotective, but she never seemed to mind too much. We watched Shelly and Rick over the years.” The creases in her forehead deepened. “As they got older and grew closer, we worried about where it would lead. But we liked Rick. Trusted him. When Shelly went off to college we assumed they’d be getting engaged eventually.” />
  Mac grunted. “Imagine our shock when Shelly came home that Thanksgiving and told us she was pregnant.”

  “Everyone makes mistakes,” Darcie said quietly, her eyes on her grandfather. Claire blinked back moisture and thought of Jackson sleeping upstairs.

  Mac nodded, knitting his thick brows together. “Yes, honey. We know that now. But at the time…”

  “At the time we reacted the only way we knew how. We were furious.” Jessie’s voice shook and Mac raised a hand.

  “No. I was furious. Mortified. My first thoughts were not for my daughter and what she must be going through. I was more concerned about what people would think. Here I was expounding on purity and holiness from the pulpit each Sunday, and my own daughter was going to have a child out of wedlock. The shame was almost unbearable.”

  “It didn’t take long for people to find out,” Jessie said quietly. “Shelly didn’t go back to school, and soon the phone started ringing.”

  “Judgment came down pretty quick from the deacon board. They wanted me to resign.” Mac pushed fingers through his hair. “Made it pretty clear that if I didn’t, well…I’d be fired.”

  “What? That’s ridiculous.” Anger flashed in Darcie’s eyes. Claire agreed with her but Mac and Jessie only shrugged.

  “It was what we’d expected,” Jessie said. “But it was humiliating. We didn’t bother to hide our anger from Shelly. Our home became a battleground.” Jessie wiped her eyes and leveled her gaze on Claire. “One night, when it all got to be too much, there was a terrible scene. We screamed, she yelled. Oh, we all said things we shouldn’t have, and she ended up leaving.”

  Mac nodded, his eyes wet. “Yes. After I told her how ashamed I was of her, and that every time I looked at her and her child, I’d be reminded of my failure as a father. And I told her God would punish her. Punish all of us. She left here that night and never came back.”

  Claire sagged against James, allowing his quiet breathing to comfort her. Darcie sat in silence, tears trailing down her cheeks.