A Tiny Piece of Something Greater

by Jude Sierra

  “True. That would be a lot of pressure, for both of us.”

  “I’m scared that you’re already slipping away,” Reid admits. “I’m scared that I’ll slip away. Sometimes I can’t believe that I’m here.” Reid can’t help it; he sees himself in his bathroom back home gathering handfuls of pills. He closes his eyes and tries to push the memory away. How easily I could have missed this. How easily he almost did something irreversible, and he still doesn’t know what he was thinking. He covers his face.

  “Oh, Reid,” Joaquim whispers. Joaquim wraps his arms around Reid. He kisses his fingers, then kisses his Reid’s scars gently and his tattoo more confidently. Then he rests his head against Reid’s belly and waits for his exhalation. Reid listens to Joaquim’s breathing.

  “You’re still here,” Reid says on a wet and broken gasp. He must trust Joaquim’s presence over his fears.

  Joaquim’s voice is thick, and he swallows his own tears. “You’re still here.”

  Now Reid’s hands are in his hair, and Joaquim lifts his head. Reid’s kiss is wet, and he’s shaking in Joaquim’s arms, falling apart achingly but pressing into and against him. Instinct speaks when Joaquim wraps Reid in his arms. Reid tucks himself into them with his arms between them and his face pressed into Joaquim’s skin.

  “Tighter,” he whispers. Joaquim holds him as firmly as he can.

  “Don’t be scared,” Joaquim says. “I’m still here. You’re still here.”

  “Gosh, are we the most emo couple of all time, or what?” Reid asks a while later. He’s rewarded with Joaquim’s laugh. “I think all I ever do with you is subject you to my problems or cry all over you.”

  “Naw,” Joaquim says. He’s running his fingers over Reid’s shoulder absently; it’s shivery pleasant. “We’re finding our feet.” He pulls away and settles his head on the pillow facing Reid. “And the sex is great.”

  “Ass.” Reid laughs and pushes Joaquim’s shoulders. Laughter should feel alien; perhaps this whiplash of pain and joy should overwhelm him. Reid’s much stronger than people give him credit for, stronger than he gives himself credit for, sometimes. He can ride these waves. Joaquim’s kiss takes him by surprise, but Reid doesn’t stop it. He feeds that hunger, the need for connection. Joaquim is smiling into the kiss.

  As Joaquim had before, Reid undresses him. They move in silence; soon all that’s heard are their breaths, increasingly loud, and, as Reid slips into Joaquim slowly and carefully, Joaquim’s stuttering moans. Reid coaxes them from him, draws him through pleasure until his muttering pleas break the spell.

  “Reid, fuck, oh.” The silence ripples and breaks apart as Reid does his very best to speak with his body to Joaquim’s body, promising with every move everything he can give this man. Not just pleasure, but care and attention. Focus, and a promise to return Joaquim’s steadiness, if in a different form.

  Joaquim throbs around him, his body spasming as if Joaquim’s orgasm comes in reverse, so that aftershocks pulse through him before he’s come.

  “Touch me, please,” Joaquim’s eyes are pure dark; his face is lax with stunned pleasure.

  “No,” Reid whispers. Joaquim writhes and moans. Reid shifts. He pulls back until he’s on his knees, hauling Joaquim toward him by his hips. When he drives into him, hard and fast, just right, Joaquim comes with a surprised shout. His hands fly up above him, pushing against the wall so he can leverage himself harder onto Reid. He’s the single most beautiful creature Reid’s ever seen.

  “Love you, love you, love you,” Joaquim whispers later, into the dark, into the return of silence and their bodies, warm and sated, sticking and tangled under a sheet. Reid slips into sleep.

  Epilogue

  The sunlight scatters over the chop of waves; the glittering light on the water is almost blinding. Joaquim’s hand in his is sweaty. The rush of air as the boat rides the waves helps, cutting through the late-hanging summer humidity. From across the boat another diver glances at them; Reid’s not sure if it’s distrust, dislike, or curiosity.

  “Are we a museum piece or a freak show?” Reid whispers to Joaquim. It’s their first dive together with Joaquim as Reid’s dive partner, not his instructor.

  Joaquim kisses his cheek; the woman smiles at them. “We’re a curiosity.” Joaquim decides.

  Reid can live with that. He’d rather not be stared at, but he’ll take that grin over homophobia any day.

  They’re nearly at the reef. The cool water will be welcome. It’s been weeks since his last dive. Joaquim lit up when Reid asked him if he wanted to go. They’re still unsure of their future, for now they are living off Reid’s meager salary in his grandmother’s condo since Joaquim’s internship is over. Next week Joaquim will be in Brazil.

  The boat comes to a halt and floats with the current, and then the clanking of the anchor signals that they’ve reached their destination. They’re back at Molasses Reef. Reid would love to visit others together, but this one holds precious memories of his first real dive and flirting, despite his nerves and anxieties, with Joaquim.

  They get ready with the others, checking gear and laughing with their dive guide, Sam, as he cracks jokes. Joaquim steps into the water with ease and grace Reid admires. His entrance into the water is akin to a buffalo falling into the ocean, but they get to the same place.

  When they pause on descent, Reid searches Joaquim’s eyes and finds nothing but the steady peace he seeks so often. The water crackles with life around him; currents caress his skin. The sound of his breathing through the regulator fades to background noise.

  Against the backdrop of the reef, vibrant with its bright splashes of life, Reid follows Joaquim’s lead as he makes a beautiful tableau with the reef behind him and his gorgeous body sure in the water. Angelfish dart out around the lace of sea fans to Reid’s left. Joaquim touches his arm. Reid is so entranced by the unpredictable swimming patterns of the fish into and out of the coral, he didn’t realize Joaquim was next to him. He points: Right in front of them, moving to their right, a nurse shark glides past. Reid wishes he had a camera. He wishes he could capture the sense memory of this moment: Joaquim’s hand on his arm, the teeming life in the deep water, and the huge happiness, almost too big, in his chest. This, this is his life now. They’ll surface eventually. They’ll go home, and soon they’ll have to make decisions. But it’s all beautiful. All around him is lovely, achingly present life, and he gets to be here for it. Because yes, he’s still here.

  Author's Note

  For many years of my life, I struggled with mental illness in silence. I hid symptoms and intense suffering under an unbearable blanket of shame. I felt, in every corner of my life, the stigma associated with what I was going through. In this silence and fear and shame, I learned to repress and pretend; I tried so hard to be a different self that, by a certain point in my life, I had no idea how to express how I felt or what I was going through, even to myself.

  The stigma and silence that cloak mental illness are devastating for those living with it and for family and friends who are trying to cope, support, and understand what a loved one is going through. Speaking into and against that silence is terrifying and painful but ultimately so, so necessary.

  My own story is frightening and uplifting. Every time I speak to someone about my experiences, I have to take a deep breath and push headlong into my story: Yes, I had a mental breakdown that almost cost me my life and family. Yes, I struggled with self-harm. Yes, I live every day knowing that cyclothemia doesn’t go away. I must learn to manage my anxiety and my compulsions regularly. I must face my traumas.

  But I do all of these things willingly, because these are a part of my fight and because I love my life, I love my family and my friends, I love myself. And I tell this story because although I am just one voice, I hope that using it will help those who are afraid to speak feel less alone. Like Reid, I want my life and voice to be a tiny piece of something great
er.

  I believe Reid’s story absolutely must be told. Reid is a boy who is learning to thrive, who is beginning that fight for himself, with all of the ups and downs that come with recovery and wellness. But Reid, like all of us who live with mental illness, isn’t his mental illness. This story isn’t just about his wellness journey; it is about a boy on an adventure, a boy coming into his own and falling in love. For all of those living with mental illness, this story is for you.

  Glossary

  Tchau: goodbye

  Mãe/Mamãe: Mom

  Beijos pra todos: kisses for everyone

  Tenho que ir: I have to go

  Opa: oops or whoops

  Te amo: I love you

  Jesus, Maria, e José: Jesus, Mary, and Joseph

  Caipirinhas: a cocktail made with cachaça, sugar, and lime

  Lindo/Lindeza: Beautiful. Term of endearment

  Carinho: Term of endearment indicating affection or fondness

  Minha vida: my life

  Pão de queijo: Brazilian cheese bread made from tapioca flour

  Bebê: Baby

  Boa noite: Good night

  Pra você também: To you too

  Obrigado: Thank you

  Beijos: Kisses

  Acknowledgments

  First and foremost I must thank every person who was and is a part of my wellness and recovery journey: my therapists, my psychiatrist, the amazing team at Rose Hill, and every member of my DBT group. Each of you played a role in helping to save my life, and I can promise that I am not the only person who is utterly indebted and thankful to you.

  This book benefited from the help of a team of sensitivity readers who mean the world to me: Taylor Brooke, Julian Winters, and Min, thank you for your honesty, support, and advice. Annie B., my lovely co-blogger, thank you for being the best first reader a girl could ask for. Avon Gale, S.J. Martin, and Pene Henson, thank you so much for letting me pester you with questions and for being willing to share your experiences with me.

  To the amazing team at Interlude Press: you all make my books shine. Annie Harper, Candy Miller, and CB Messer, thank you for the continued faith and support you’ve given me over the past three years. I am endlessly grateful for Nicki Harper and Zoë Bird, whose editing challenges me to be and do better with every book.

  I could not do any of this without the support of my friends and family. To all of you, and in particular my husband and children, so many thanks for your patience, your love, your belief in me.

  About the Author

  Jude Sierra is a Latinx poet, author, academic and mother working toward her PhD in Writing and Rhetoric, looking at the intersections of Queer, Feminist and Pop Culture Studies. She also works as an LGBTQAI+ book reviewer for From Top to Bottom Reviews. Her novels include Hush, What it Takes, and Idlewild, a contemporary LGBT romance set in Detroit’s renaissance, which was named a Best Book of 2016 by Kirkus Reviews.

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