Beginning with You

by Lindsay McKenna

  Perplexed, he asked, “It is?” Rook was smiling, and she was crying. Was she happy or sad? What the hell was going on? He’d never forgive himself if he’d wounded Rook even more. She didn’t deserve that kind of pain, and misery was all he seemed capable of giving to women lately.

  Choking back a sob, Rook threw her arms around Gil, hugging him tightly. “Thank you, Gil,” she whispered. “Thank you for telling me that. It means so much to me…so much….”

  “It does?” He scowled, holding her at arm’s length. Tears ran freely down her flushed cheeks. “How? I mean, it’s none of my business, but I don’t understand.”

  Taking a well-used tissue from her pocket, Rook dabbed at her reddened eyes. “Of course you wouldn’t,” she whispered. “Noah used to call me his little cocoon, promising me that one day I’d hatch into a beautiful butterfly and fly free, and we’d have a new beginning between us, as brother and sister.” Rook sobbed, still smiling. “I—I never told him I loved him, Gil before the disaster. I was holding back saying it until I felt strong enough to mean it.” She sniffed. “He said that when I left my cocoon we’d be able to express our love for each other freely.” She shook her head, gripping Gil’s arm. “Don’t you see? Noah was telling me he knew I loved him, even though I’d never admitted it at that point. I did get to tell him I loved him in ICU, later.” She smiled gently up at Gl “Thank you. Oh, thanks so much. You’ll never know how good this makes me feel….”

  Logan stood there, stunned. “You mean, you’re not sad?”

  Rook shook her head. “This is a gift, Gil. A beautiful one. I don’t even know if Noah remembers saying it to you. But you heard him, and now I know.” She turned back and held Gil’s wavering gaze. He looked like a lost little boy in that moment, so unsure of himself, of her. Wiping her eyes one last time, Rook murmured, “I’ve got my brother back in my life and I loved him so very much….”

  “They say,” Gil began awkwardly, “that time heals everything, Rook.” And then he shrugged. “Well, I’ve got a divorce to get over and so does Eve. Maybe I’ll find out if that saying is true.”

  Rook slipped her arm through his, heading down the hill to where Jim stood beside the Corvette, waiting for them. “Tag’s with us on this, too. We’ll all find out together, Gil. Each of us has suffered a terrible loss.”

  Heartened that his message had had such a wonderful effect on Rook, Gil’s step became its normal, cocky self. Patting her hand, he said, “Listen, misery loves company. We’re family, and family helps their own. The three of us and the rest of the crew at the air station will help us through this.”

  Family. The word hung gently before Rook’s open, feeling heart. A wobbly smile touched her mouth as she gazed up at Gil. He looked suddenly years younger. Hope burned in his blue eyes again. “Yes.”

  Chapter Twenty-four

  Ward?” Marcia looked around the darkened bedroom. She ran her fingers across the sheets where he normally lay. They were cold. She called him again, but there was no answer. It was 3 a.m. Slipping on her robe, Marcia tried to shake off the grogginess that always haunted her upon waking. She padded noiselessly through the living room, moonlight streaming through the windows, muted by the curtains. She found Ward standing in his robe and slippers on the patio, looking out toward the black waters of the straits. She slid the door open and stepped out into the chilly night air.

  Ward turned, sensing his wife’s presence before she opened the door. He saw the worry in her eyes as she walked up to him. Holding his arm out, he invited her to his side. She came, pressing herself to him, wrapping her arms around his waist.

  “Couldn’t sleep?” she asked.

  With a sigh he murmured, “No.”

  “It’s a wonder I did. I thought the commandant and all those admirals were never going to leave. What a zoo,” Marcia admitted in a whisper.

  Ward rested his chin against Marcia’s hair, eyes hardening. “It was just what Savage ordered—national headlines guaranteed to make the Coast Guard look good.” Anger vibrated through his voice. “He got what he wanted. Nobody in America remembers the whale incident. All they remember is how we rescued those hundreds of people.”

  Marcia squeezed him. They had both suffered terribly over the shock of Kenny’s death—Ward particularly. His guilt and helplessness over their son’s demise was being focused elsewhere. “Ward, they weren’t happy that sixty people died in order to get those headlines,” she soothed. “I know sometimes you think Savage is publicity-hungry, but it’s his nature to make a lot out of something like this. And something should be.” Marcia pulled back enough to catch and hold Ward’s smoldering gaze. “Why won’t you take your plaudits? You were the man who coordinated the entire rescue.” Her voice grew husky with emotion. “You deserve the medal they gave you, Ward. You’ve earned everyone’s respect and admiration.”

  Ward avoided her pleading eyes. He absently rubbed Marcia’s slumped shoulder, glaring toward the straits—a silent black ribbon in the darkness. He shivered, never forgetting for one second that, somewhere on the bottom, Ken lay in a cold, watery grave, gone, but never forgotten—ever. “It doesn’t mean a thing, Marcia—not a damn thing.”

  ‘Then what does?”

  His mouth was set in a line of anguish, and the words came out forced. “Ken meant something, but he never respected me. And I never understood him, either.” Shutting his eyes tightly, Ward gripped his wife to him. “Why, Marcia? Where did I go wrong?”

  “Hush,” she whispered fiercely, giving him a shake. Tears glittered in her eyes. “I know how much you’re suffering over Ken’s death. We both are, Ward. But remember what Father Davis said. We can create them and bring them into this world. That’s our responsibility. What they turned out to be is up to them. We gave Kenny our love, our guidance and help.”

  “I failed,” Ward whispered harshly. “I failed Ken.”

  “Kenny failed himself!” Marcia cried, giving Ward a shake to try and make him understand. Tears streaked down her cheeks. “Don’t buy into that premise, Ward. I can see what it’s doing to you—it’s eating you up alive. You’ve got a bleeding ulcer. Please….”

  Ward shut his eyes, tears squeezing from beneath them. “My God, Marcia,” he rasped. “Ken robbed a liquor store in Seattle. He was heading to Canada. What was he going to do—run away? Do you realize he probably had no intentions of ever seeing us again? He was skipping out of the country for good.”

  She gripped Ward, forcing him to look at her. “Kenny never loved himself, so how could he return our love? He was like a bucket without a bottom, Ward. He’d been that way since the day he was born.”

  “I should have paid more attention to him.”

  “You did as much as you could, under the circumstances. What Kenny refused to accept was that the Coast Guard demanded long, hard hours from you. Remember when we were stationed in Alaska? That was a nightmare.”

  “Yes, and Ken paid for it, too.”

  Marcia stepped away from him, her mouth set. “We all did, Ward! All of us. Do you think I liked two years up in that godforsaken place? You hated it, too! The children weren’t happy, either.”

  Rubbing his brow, Ward walked across the tiled patio. The moon was gliding through the silent sky, shedding a silver blanket over the straits and the town of Port Angeles. He leaned against one of the rough-cut oak beams that supported the roof overhead. The air was damp, and he shivered, cold clear to his soul. Ward felt Marcia come up behind him; he needed her warmth. She pressed herself to his back, sliding her arms around his waist.

  “I love you, Ward Stuart, faults and all. Don’t look at just your weaknesses. Look at your strengths. I was at that ceremony, and I saw the light shining in the eyes of those kids under your command. They adore you.”

  “They respect me.”

  “They think you walk on water.”

  “They know my bite’s worse than my bark.”

  She buried her face against his back, smiling softly. “You’re so hard on
yourself, darling. Don’t be, because they aren’t. All your career you’ve worked toward this moment.”

  Ward closed his eyes, soaking up her love, her effortless warmth. “What are you talking about?” he demanded gruffly, trying to camouflage his own escalating emotions.

  Marcia pressed a kiss against his flannel robe. “The Flyer rescue pulled every ounce of training, knowledge and experience from you, Ward. All those stations we moved to and all those long hours behind the stick of a helo or stuck in some back room at an air station slaving away, were utilized. Without all those sacrifices, those awful duty places out in the middle of nowhere, SAR cases that ripped your heart out, you couldn’t have coordinated this one like you did.” Her voice grew fervent. “You saved so many lives, Ward. Don’t count the ones who died—count the living. Did you see how many of the survivors were there today? I’ve never seen so many grateful faces or heard so many thank you’s.” Her voice wobbled. “We lost a son, but we’d lost him long before the ferry accident. We’ve gained by saving others who will still have their families whole and healthy.”

  Turning, Ward pulled Marcia into his arms, crushing her against him. He buried his face beside hers. He struggled not to cry. He’d cried so much in private already because of Ken. His voice was roughened when he spoke. “I’ll try to see it your way, honey, but it’s going to be tough. I’m carrying so much guilt over Ken—what I should have done, could have done, instead of what I did do. Sweet Mother of Christ, how can I command a station and yet not even be able to talk with my son?”

  Marcia understood; she held Ward tightly. “We have one son left,” she muffled against his chest. “Let’s try to learn from our errors. We’re still a family.”

  He sighed and nodded. He loved Marcia fiercely. She was so soft and flexible, and yet incredibly strong in ways he was presently not. “And don’t forget, we’ve got our extended family.”

  Marcia lifted her chin, managing a thin smile, her face damp with spent tears. “Our Coast Guard family is one you can always be proud of, Ward—people like Dave Harper and Annie Locke. If it weren’t for Rook and her brother, Noah, so many more would have perished in that awful ordeal.”

  Ward nodded. “And don’t forget Jim Barton, Without him, fewer people might have survived.”

  She smiled gamely. “Jim is a credit to all of us. He’s a fine human being.”

  “He epitomizes the best in all of us,” Ward said, watching as an owl flew silently through the sky, heading for a pine tree in the distance. And then, he looked down at her. “Our people are the best, Marcia. Christ, I was proud of them—all of them. They worked so hard….”

  Relaxing because Ward appeared to be momentarily over his own crisis with Kenny, she patted his arm. “Well, Captain Stuart, I think you need to get some sleep. There are two hundred and fifty people at that air station that are looking to you for continued guidance for another year and a half.”

  Ward leaned down, placing a kiss on her smiling lips. “You’re right. That air station has come a long way in a short time, but there are still things to be done and people to help.”

  As Marcia led him back toward the bedroom, she murmured, “I’m so glad that Rook has Jim. And she has Noah. She’s taken so many emotional shocks, so close together.”

  Patting his wife’s shoulder, Ward nodded. “But, like a Coastie, she’ll rally and come out of it.”

  “Can’t sleep?” Jim padded out on the sun deck toward Rook, who stood leaning against the rail looking down at the lights of Port Angeles. In her thin robe, she looked lost on the huge expanse. She turned toward him.

  Rook managed a smile that could be misconstrued as a grimace. “No. Did I wake you when I got up?”

  Jim placed his arms around Rook, drawing her against him. She looked like a lost waif to him. Her eyes were slightly puffy from crying earlier that day, her skin pale and drawn, her once-proud shoulders drawn downward in defeat. “I was awake anyway.”

  A sigh escaped Rook as she sagged against him, snuggling against the nubby texture of the terry-cloth robe he wore. “You were pretending, then.”

  Smiling, Jim closed his eyes and rested his cheek against her mussed hair. “For your sake. You need rest, Rook, not me tossing and turning, keeping you awake.”

  Her heart mushroomed with a fierce love for him. Gently disengaging, Rook gazed up at Jim. The moonlight cascaded down on them, soothing to her highly emotional state. “You’re still healing, yourself,” she whispered, her eyes darkening with concern.

  “Now, don’t start worrying about me,” he chided, kissing her lips tenderly. “You’re the object of my concern.”

  His mouth was warm and enticing. Since the ferry disaster, they had had no opportunity to be alone or even make hungry love to each other. Rook drowned in his offering, losing herself in the taste and texture of his mouth.

  “Mmmm,” Jim said, drawing inches away, smiling down into her eyes—eyes that now held a spark of life for the first time in months. “You taste pretty good.”

  Breathy laughter escaped Rook as she framed his face between her hands. Jim was haggard. His face had aged and he now had lines of pain around his mouth. Part of it was due to weight loss, she realized. The burns he had suffered were terrible, and his ongoing therapy was far from over. “Pretty good for a Coastie, huh?”

  “Not bad,” he agreed. Rook’s laughter feathered through him. It was the first time he’d heard her laugh in a long time. Her gray eyes were luminous, and he ached to make love with her.

  “Jim, I need to talk to you,” Rook began slowly. “I don’t even know where to begin….”

  He slowly began to massage her shoulders and upper back, feeling the tension in them. Fear gripped him internally. Rook’s eyes grew shadowed, and he wondered if all the trauma and crises she’d suffered would drive her away from him. Would she run again? “Okay,” he murmured. “Let’s talk.”

  Closing her eyes, Rook rested her hands against his chest, feeling the beat of his heart beneath her palms. “You’ve been so patient and understanding with me….”

  “You invite that kind of response, Rook.”

  “I was scared of personal commitment to a man—any man.”

  “And you’ve had the courage to overcome that, Rook.”

  She gazed at him through her lashes. “With you, yes.” She slid her hands around his neck. “Noah’s return to my life taught me something I’ll never forget.”

  “What, sweetheart?” Jim’s breath snagged as he watched her wrestle with words that seemed impossible for her to say. Was she going to leave him? His hands stilled on her shoulders.

  Hot tears filled Rook’s eyes as she held his shadowed blue gaze. “To always say what I feel, Jim.” The tears overflowed, trailing down her cheeks. “I love you….”

  Lifting his head, Jim shut his eyes tightly and crushed Rook against him. He held her hard. Relief and incredible joy cascaded through him.

  Rook buried her head against him, holding Jim just as tightly as he held her. “I don’t know what my future holds with you,” she went on, the words tumbling out. “But I’ll never not tell you how I feel, from now on. I withheld so much from Noah. I cheated him. I cheated myself. I won’t do that to you, or him, again.”

  “Life’s too short and too unpredictable not to be honest,” Jim agreed hoarsely, kissing her hair, her temple, her damp cheek.

  Rook filled with happiness and met his burning gaze. Her spirits lifted and her heart began a yearning beat in her breast. She loved him fiercely. “You taught me how to love, Jim. You gave me the time and space I needed.”

  Laughing softly, he cradled Rook’s face between his hands. The glow in her eyes told him everything. There was a new softness to Rook, even in her contralto voice. “I was lucky enough to read between the lines of what had happened to you, Rook.”

  “That, plus you have a wonderful insight into people and their motivations.”

  Jim nodded, resting his mouth against her smiling, welcoming lips.
“I love you, Wild Rose. We’re going to have ups and downs in the future, but together we can handle them.”

  A moan vibrated in Rook’s throat as he cherished her lips, worshiping her. The next moment, she found herself lifted off the sundeck and into his embrace. Placing her arms around his shoulders, she was content to relax against him as he walked back into the quiet, darkened house.

  “This is a beginning,” Jim told her in a hushed tone as he walked down the hall toward the master bedroom.

  Resting her head against his jaw, Rook whispered, “Is it? Everyone around us has lost so much in the last six months, Jim. Gil lost his wife in a divorce. Tag lost Paula to illness. The captain lost his son.”

  “But you have Noah.” Jim drew to a halt just inside the bedroom, not wanting to let her down, content to hold her close and give her comfort. Gazing down at her, he added, “Every one of us has been given a chance for a new beginning. Gil, Tag and the captain will have a lot to wrestle with and work through.” His arms tightened around her. “We’re just a little ahead of them, that’s all. Your courage gave us our beginning months ago. It could have floundered, with all the things that happened to you after the ferry disaster, but you didn’t let it. You didn’t run away from me, Rook.”

  Leaning upward, Rook placed a tender, warming kiss on his mouth. “I’m running to you, darling. I want this night to be our beginning….”

  Jim gently deposited Rook on the bed and joined her. Tunneling his fingers through her glorious, ebony hair, he murmured, “I want you to be my best friend, my lover, my confidant.” He didn’t add wife. Although he had purchased an engagement ring and had planned to ask Rook to marry him in Victoria the day the ferry blew up, Jim had decided to wait. Right now her shining, dove-gray eyes sparkled with tears of utter happiness. Jim smiled down at her. Someday he’d know when, he would ask this woman to marry him. Right now, this was their beginning, and he needed nothing else.

  Rook moved further onto the bed, watching as Jim turned out the light. She opened her arms to him. “I want to be all those things to you,” she said in a hushed voice. As his weight settled gently upon her, his mouth molding teasingly against her own, she pleaded, “Love me, Jim….”