We both lie back down, mimicking each other's poses with our hands behind our heads.
"So, do you really think you're not going to play baseball?"
"No. I'm going to play. I have to. I'm not sure who would kill me first if I didn't: Bri and Ry or my dad. And I can't let them down or my coach or the rest of the team. Part of me loves the game, but I don't know… part of me is over it."
"I had no idea you felt that way," I say, almost in a whisper.
He just shakes his head and shrugs. There is silence for a long while; not uncomfortable silence, just silence. Todd is the first one to break it.
"I don't know. One second I love it; I love the pressure, working as a team with the guys, and just being out on the field. But then, when I perform with the Sour Lollipops or even in a play, the feeling is different. It's a different kind of passion. I breathe it. It feels like that's where I'm supposed to be."
"That's how I used to feel about swimming when I was in a race." He turns to me and brushes the hair off my face with an understanding smile. "I really think you can do both. If anyone can figure it out, you can. I feel like you really do love both. I've seen you on the field, and you play with so much passion. Do you think you're just nervous? I mean, that's a lot of pressure: being a starting pitcher, applying to schools, trying to get scholarships. And I know you don't want to disappoint your dad or your coaches." I think back to what he said when we were in the hotel at State.
Our eyes connect, and he really looks at me. "I never thought about it like that before. You are right; I've always loved it." He shakes his head. "Maybe I'm shutting down because I'm scared." It's almost a whisper. He gives me a pensive look like he's really digging deep to figure out his feelings, and this isn't something he has considered before. It's as if a light bulb goes off, and he's just realized every problem isn't always black and white; sometimes it's the gray areas that trip you up.
"Well, fear is probably not a feeling you're familiar with," I say with a smirk. "It's a feeling I know pretty well, though. Maybe you've been right this whole time and you're not perfect."
Todd laughs as he wraps his arms around my body. Before I know it, he rolls me over and is now on top of me in one stealth move. His arms are pressed down on either side of me to avoid pressing his full weight down. His hair is hanging around his face, brushing against my forehead.
"Thanks, Ash. You're right; why can't I do both?" As he kisses me deeply, I can feel his tension dissipate.
"You're going to be an amazing starting pitcher," I whisper to him as his kisses move toward my neck.
He gives me that confident smile I love so much as he looks into my eyes with his crystal, bluish-green pools of beauty as he strokes his hand over my hair. I'm studying the flecks of green and grey in his eyes, the way the sun is hitting them almost makes them look like clear blue glass.
"Did you know you have eight freckles on your nose?" His question is so out of left field it makes me giggle.
"I knew I had freckles."
"You have eight. And did you know, if I played connect the dots, they'd make a heart."
I look up at his beautiful face and smile. I knew I had freckles, but I've never counted them. Is it possible he studies me as much as I study him?
When he rolls off me and lies on his side, I turn so we are facing each other. "Did you know that, when you wear this gray hoodie," I rub my hand over it, "you have flecks of grey in your eyes?"
He smiles and gives me a sweet kiss. "Did you know that, when I touch you right here, behind your left knee," he reaches for the exact place he's mentioning, "that it is your most ticklish spot. And that I love the sound of your laugh when I tickle you here." He gently strokes his fingers over that spot, and I try my hardest to hold in my laugh, but I can't.
"Stop." I finally push him away. "Did you know I can tell how you feel by the color of your eyes?"
He gives me a smirk that says go on. I kind of like this game.
"When you are happy, they are a bright blue." I lean in closer and kiss him. "And when you are sad, they are a greenish-blue."
"They must be bright blue right now." He blinks and raises his eyebrows. "Because I am really happy." He caresses my cheek with his hand before he leans in and kisses me just as gently as his touch, and then he pulls back and smiles. "I love your lips."
"Oh, really?" I lean in to kiss him back. "I love that, when I kiss you here," I move my lips to his earlobe, "like this," I let my tongue linger there a little longer, "that it drives you crazy."
"That it does." I see him adjust his position and I can't help grinning again. He gently lays me back down on the blanket. I feel his hair brush against my face as he leans down to kiss me, and I run my fingers through it.
"Did you know, one of my favorite things is how soft your hair is? You have the softest hair." I run my fingers back through it.
"I disagree." He holds up one finger to stop us. "You have the softest hair. It's so beautiful. I love how it automatically wraps around my finger. It's one of my favorite things about you."
Wow, to think I've spent my entire life hating my hair and Todd loves it. I just respond with a deep kiss.
"I love you like crazy, Ash. I love everything about you. Thanks for really listening and helping me figure things out."
"Did you know I feel the same way? I love you like crazy, too," I whisper as I playfully let my lips wander around his ear, driving him crazy.
Chapter 9: The Bird Has Landed
Dating Todd is amazing, incredible, fantastic, surprising… I can't think of enough adjectives to describe it—they are endless. Truly an abyss of adjectives. The only bad thing is I've been spending so much of my free time with him that I haven't been spending as much time with Sid and Shane, and I miss them. Thus, we've made a point of making a Friday fro-yo catch up date once a week to get to see each other outside of school. And, as always, what is discussed at fro-yo stays at fro-yo.
Luckily, since Sid is crazy about Simon, it gives us a lot to talk about. Shane, on the other hand, is still playing the role of "supportive friend" and not active member in the relationship conversation. And Sid is still oblivious.
I'm getting ready to meet them when I feel my phone buzz with a text from Shane,
She Knows!
They are two small words, but they bear so much weight, so many questions.
WTF? I text back with my heart now in my stomach. I hated keeping this secret from Sid, but it hasn't been my secret to tell.
A minute goes by, then two, and still no response from Shane. I'm dying.
I finally feel my phone buzz and my heart restarts itself until I see who the text is from. It's Sid, not Shane.
Um. Shane and Johnny?
That's all it says. How am I supposed to play this? Does she know I knew? Or is that her way of asking if I knew? Or is this her way of breaking the news to me? I need Shane to respond and fast. I don't even realize I'm pacing the floor until I catch a glimpse of my reflection in the mirror. I can't help laughing when I see that I'm holding my phone as if it's a lifeline. I guess I have to call him because he is obviously not texting back. It rings once.
"It took you long enough," he says, as if he doesn't have a care in the world.
"Excuse me?" I am suddenly angry at his calm, sarcastic tone. "You could have texted back."
"It was too long to text, and I knew you'd call eventually."
"That is just cruel." I respond with a smile, although I still want to kill him. I just can't be angry when he sounds so happy.
"Hi, Ash." I hear Sid's voice, and I'm thoroughly confused. I think maybe I've officially lost it. I've finally crossed the insanity line.
"What is happening?" I ask, treading lightly. They both sound happy, but I can't be sure. This could be a trick. I'm not sure how, but it seems too perfect. And what are they doing together?
"I know the truth, finally. I mean, I was suspicious, but I wasn't positive."
I hear Sid's voice, but I s
till don't know what to think or say, so I keep listening.
"She knows everything." Shane says, and by his tone, I can tell he's reassuring me that it's ok to talk.
But I still don't.
"I know you know, too. It's ok. I get why you didn't tell me."
"Who is this? What did you do with the real Sid?"
They both start to laugh. "I am the real Sid."
"Are you sure?"
"Stop it." I can tell Sid is holding back her laugh. "It's me. And I get it. I'm just happy I'm finally in the know. And I'm not even going to bring up the "'No Secrets Pact'" we made years ago, but whatever."
"There's the Sid I know and love." I say with a laugh, finally relaxing a bit. Although, I'm still not sure if there isn't a hidden camera somewhere in my room.
"How did it happen?" I ask, now anxious to hear the full story.
"Save it for fro-yo." Shane cuts in.
"No way. You are telling me now." My frustration is building.
"Ok. Geez. At school, I saw them at the vending machine. I've always loved vending machines. There are so many options: swee—"
"Sidney, enough about the vending machines. What happened?"
"Wow, snippy. Okay, so I went to the vending machine at school, and instead of getting a treat inside the machine, there was a treat on the side of the machine." She giggles at her own joke, but I'm so invested in what she's saying I don't even realize she made one. "I thought it was funny. Oh, well—anyway. Shane and Jonny were whispering and standing really close, too close for friendship. So I cleared my throat to get their attention, and when they turned around and saw me, their faces were priceless. Price-less. And I knew. So I said, 'What is going on here?' And Shane blushed, kind of like he's doing right now, and Johnny said, 'Exactly what you think is going on.' And then I really knew."
"Shane you were together at school?" I ask, still in shock.
"After school," he quickly corrects me.
"But still. That is huge. And risky. I like it."
"And there was no one around. And no kissing or anything."
"You've kissed him?" Sid asks with elation in her voice.
"Okay, we need to save something for fro-yo." Shane interrupts, trying to avoid the conversation getting into too much detail.
"Now we all have boyfriends!" Sid announces, and I don't hear a trace of anger in her voice.
We all laugh at that revelation.
"See you guys in fifteen. This is gonna be a good fro-yo catch up." I say as I hang up. I can't wait. I'm honestly so relieved. I knew this would happen eventually, and I've been dreading it. I was so afraid Sid would be hurt and not understand, but she's so genuinely excited for Shane she doesn't care, and that makes my heart soar. Finally, I don't have to keep this a secret from her anymore. This is going to be the best catch up fro-yo ever!
Chapter 10: The Sleepover
I've been waiting for prom for forever. Well, really since Todd asked me, so a little over four months, which feels like forever! Now it's this weekend, and I can no longer hide my excitement. Since we're only freshman, Sid and Shane can't go. The only way a freshman or sophomore can step foot in prom is if they are asked by a junior or senior. As a result, even though I'm dying of excitement inside, I'm trying really hard to act like it's no big deal.
We're starting our day at our lockers, as usual, and I'm doing final checks in Sid's mirror. I still didn't get my own mirror, and at this point, why should I? It's way more fun to share Sid's.
I glance down at Todd's locker, but he's not there. That's strange. Where is he? He's usually at my locker by now.
"So, are you excited, Ash? It's the big weekend," Sid says as she smacks her lips together, spreading her lip-gloss.
I want to scream, 'I can't wait!', but I need to play it cool. "Yeah, I'm excited," I say super nonchalantly.
"Well, Todd won't shut up about it."
"Really?" I can't help the smile that spreads across my lips as I place my hands in the pockets of Todd’s letterman jacket. I love wearing his jacket. It feels like his arms are wrapped around me even when he is nowhere near. Even though it’s almost too warm to wear it now, I still can’t stop. It’s worth a little sweat.
Sid gives me her signature headshake and eye roll while I playfully nudge her out of the way of the mirror with my hip.
"I wish you guys were going, too. It won't be the same without you."
"Johnny's going," Shane says as he stacks his books in his locker.
"What? When did this happen?" I ask.
"Yesterday." He shrugs and closes his locker.
"Um, can you elaborate, please?" Sid and I both give him a look that says he's not going anywhere until we get the full story. Shane is still incredibly cautious about everything, but I'm glad he at least has Sid and me.
"It's actually pretty funny," Shane says with a smile. I'm happy he's smiling; I was afraid he would be upset. "You'll never guess who he's going with." I can tell it's a girl, just by the sheer joy on his face.
"You're right; we're never going to guess because you are going to tell us!" Sid says with her hands on her hips.
"Three letters." Shane gives us a smirk that tells us he's not going to make this easy.
"What's three letters?" Sid's annoyance is clearly building.
"Her name," he says matter-of-factly.
"Enough, Shane. I'm not playing stupid games," Sid says through gritted teeth.
"Ouch!" Shane pantomimes being stabbed in the chest.
I really don't want to play this game, either, but Shane is having so much fun. I'm glad he's okay with it, whoever it is, and then it suddenly clicks.
"Wait, RTS?" I say, partly questioning, partly in shock.
A giant smile spreads across Shane's face as Sid gasps loudly at the realization.
"Yup." Shane smirks.
"Why? And why are you so happy about it?"
"Well, she asked. That's usually the way it works, Ash." He gives me that parental look I hate. "And I told him he should go."
"Why?" Sid and I say in unison.
Shane shrugs. "Because I think it's hilarious she's going with a boy she has no idea likes boys." Shane whispers the last part. He's still so cautious.
"That is pretty funny," Sid says, looking at me.
Shane nods his head in agreement. "I just love that it's her of all people. I don't think I'd care either way, but she deserves this." Shane smiles at me.
"Payback is a bitch." I'm so happy Karma has caught up with her yet again. She's always been pretty horrible, like she has a personal vendetta against me. "But poor Johnny has to go with her." I know Shane's ecstatic, but I can't help feeling bad for Johnny.
"He's cool with it because she's going with you guys, remember?"
"Yeah, I keep trying to forget."
"Since he'll be with Ryan, Brian, and Todd, he figured that'd be cool." Shane moves closer to us and whispers, "But he was really sweet. He made sure I was okay with it before he gave her an answer." I love seeing Shane this happy. "Plus, this is a great cover, and it's not like I can go."
"Not like you can go where." I hear Todd's voice behind us, and Shane shoots us a look of fear that Todd may have heard too much. I answer back with a look that says I think we're fine as we all step back from our tight circle.
Todd wraps his arms around me. He's been weight lifting with the baseball and football teams, so his arms are even more perfectly defined than usual beneath his shirt.
"Where can't you go, Shane?" Todd asks again, but just by the way he's asking, I can tell he hasn't heard anything. Besides, even if he did, I know he wouldn't care. I also know how paranoid Shane is, though.
"Prom." Shane smiles. "I know it's hard to tell, but I'm not actually an upperclassman."
Todd laughs. "That's not exactly true."
"What? The part about it being hard to tell?"
"No, the part about prom. You can definitely tell you're a freshman." Todd smiles. I know he really likes Shane.
"Hey, watch it," I say as I playfully elbow him. Then we all turn to look at Todd like he's lost his mind about prom.
"That's where I was. Principal Marks called me to his office. The band they hired for prom fell through, and he asked if the Sour Lollipops could perform."
While Shane has a look of joy and fear, my heart starts to pound at the thought. I love seeing Todd perform, but I can't help feeling a little sad because it means I'll barely see him. Sid is the only one that seems truly happy until she realizes that means she really is the only one not going.
"Hold on. Do I need a tux?" Shane asks, his apprehension growing.
"Yup," Todd answers so matter-of-factly there is no room for arguing. "But the good news is, we're getting paid."
"Shut up!" Shane pushes Todd on the arm.
Todd gives him a crooked smile. "It's true."
"Nice." Shane's concern seems to instantly melt away.
Todd looks down and notices I'm the only one not excited. "What's wrong, Ash?"
I turn to face him and shake my head. "Nothing." I really am excited for him, and I know I'm being selfish for not wanting him to do it.
He lifts my chin so our eyes meet. "What's wrong?" he says lower, just to me.
"I'm excited for you guys. I'm just sad I'm not going to get to really spend time with you."
"Not true. There is also a DJ, so the band only has to do a few songs." He gives me a smile, then he glances back at Shane. "But it does mean we really need to practice. This will still be the most songs we've ever done at once." I can see how excited Todd is, and I can't help but get excited, too. They've performed at a few basketball pep-rallies, but it's been awhile since they've played together. Unfortunately, RTS is part of those practices. RTS… I completely forgot about her and Johnny.
"I can't wait until you tell Johnny you're going to be at prom in a tux," I whisper to Shane as we all start to separate. Things just got interesting.
***
It's finally Friday, and I'm spending the night at Sid's. It was tough convincing all of our parents; therefore I played the guilt card a lot. 'She's my best friend. How could you not let me spend the night?'
Accidental Love (Accidental Crush #2) Page 8