"Ouch." I smile back.
"You should go. It's a good group from the pool and stuff."
I look down and start the routine of picking at the orange-shag rug, "Yeah, but…" I shake my head. "Never mind, forget it." I haven't really talked to Casey about Todd, and now is not the time to start.
"What? Because he's going to be there?" Casey says with unusual seriousness.
"Well, it is his house, so that's pretty much a guarantee." I shrug, sort of uncomfortable with this topic, yet Casey is the one pushing it.
"You guys are tight. I mean, you have a lot of friends in the same circle. Not to mention, he's your brother's best friend and your best friend's brother. He's always going to be there. You need to get past it." I don't really know where this is coming from, and I'm equally surprised it's coming from Casey, of all people.
He gently grabs my chin, forcing my eyes to connect with his. "You still like him, don't you?" I guess he knows me better than I realize because he's read my expression perfectly, even though I thought I was an expert at hiding my feelings at this point.
My non-answer is probably answer enough for Casey, but I feel like this is a trick question. If I say yes, then he'll know and I'll be admitting it out loud, and there's no turning back from that. And if I say no, it's a lie and will continue to give Casey false hope. When I stop to think about it, I can't believe I'm here with this dilemma. This kind of thing never happens to me, and now I have an ex-boyfriend I love and a really good friend I have more than just "friends" feelings for. I wish I knew what to do, but I don't. So I don't say anything; instead, I move my eyes to the clock on the wall.
"It looks like we need to get back."
Casey drops his hand from my chin. "Way to avoid the question." His smile says he's kidding, but his tone is filled with frustration. I can't blame him.
I think back to what Blythe said last year about not stringing Brian along when she had feelings for Ryan. I wish I could be that strong. I just don't know what I want. Well, I know; I just don't really know what my options are with Todd anymore.
***
At exactly eight o'clock, our doorbell rings, and I hear Ryan answer the door. By the sound of the greeting, it is Shane, and I'm pretty sure I hear Johnny's voice, too. Then I hear footsteps on our stairs, more than one pair. If Ryan is letting them both up here, I'm going to kill him. Kill him.
"She's in there," I hear Ryan's voice from the other side of my door.
Shane doesn't even knock; he just flings the door open. Luckily, he's alone. I'm not even embarrassed at my state of disarray anymore. "Way to knock."
Shane stands there with his arms crossed. "Get up."
"I'm good here, thanks."
"Ash, you have been there for weeks." He gestures to my bed. "Now get up." He steps a little closer, taking on a more gentle tone. "Listen, you've been there to pick me up every time I've fallen down, now let me be here for you. Get up and get dressed. That boy still loves you, and you need to let him know you feel the same way."
My heart leaps with his words; however, I can't let myself believe it. If he loves me, why doesn't he talk to me?
"Did he tell you that?"
"He doesn't have to. I can see it all over his face whenever someone mentions you."
I just roll my eyes. "Nice try."
"Come find out for yourself, then." He pulls me up by the arm and drags me to my closet. "If you don't pick something out, I will." And I can tell by the glimmer in his eyes that what he would pick would be evil and not something I would ever want to wear outside of the house.
"Fine."
"Thank you." He smiles. "And you might want to take a shower first, too." He winks at me.
"That bad, huh?"
When he just nods his head yes, I can't help laughing. I walk over and kiss him on the cheek.
"Thank you," I whisper to him.
"Go!" He pats me on the bottom. "I'll be downstairs waiting with my boyfriend," he says with such joy it makes me happy, and I haven't truly felt happy in a while.
***
As we walk through the door of Todd and Sid's house, a door I've walked through a million times, I feel my heart in my throat. I finally settled on wearing a white, summer, tank dress with silver wrap sandals. I know I look pretty good in white right now, one of the perks of my job.
It's already packed when we get there. Todd's house is big, not exactly hotel big like Casey's, but big enough to know there are a ton of people here since we have to shove our way into the party.
We aren't even there for a minute when I see Todd across the room. Of course, he's surrounded by girls, laughing and flinging their hair back like what he's just said is the funniest thing they've ever heard. It hurts. It's not like he's holding their hands or worse, kissing them, but to my heart, he might as well be. I want to be the one standing there, laughing at his jokes. I'm not even sure why I'm here, and I already wish I didn't come.
"Ashhhhhh!!! You came!" I'm suddenly being steamrolled from the side. Sid is incredibly strong when she's excited. "Nice work, Shaney." She kisses him on the cheek. "You, too, Johnny." And she kisses him, too.
"Come on." She drags us all through the crowd. "We're back here." My eyes connect with Todd's as I'm pulled out of his line of sight.
When we walk into Sid's family room, I see Casey sitting on her couch, talking to a cute brunette I've never seen before. She is hanging on his every word, but when he looks up and his eyes lock with mine, he excuses himself and walks right over.
"Glad you actually made it." He smiles, giving me a glimpse of his flawless white teeth.
"So I see you're making friends already." I gesture to the girl patiently waiting on the couch for him to return.
"Always," he says then winks at me. I hate that I like it, just as I hate the fact that someone else being interested in him makes me more interested in him. That is, until Todd walks into the room.
I'm not sure why I thought I was safe back here in the family room—safe from seeing him, from dealing with the fact that we're at the same party—but so much for that. Just when I think I could be interested in Casey, Todd walks in and reminds my heart how much I love him.
My stomach instantly reacts, erupting with butterflies. He's wearing a light blue button down over khaki shorts and flip-flops. The blue of his shirt really makes his crystal blue eyes stand out, even from across the room.
He gives a head nod in our direction, and I think he means it for me until he actually speaks. "Hey, Shane. A lot of people are bugging me. Want to play a few songs?" Todd seems almost disappointed, like he's being forced to do something he really doesn't want to.
When Shane glances at Johnny to make sure he doesn't mind, the smile Johnny gives him makes me miss Todd even more. I miss the undeniable support that comes with true love, and although I can't help feeling sorry for myself, I am truly happy for Shane.
"Prepare yourselves; he's been listening to a lot of Mumford and Sons." Sid laughs.
But she's right. The first song he sings is, "Little Lion Man" by Mumford and Sons. A song I love, but hearing Todd sing it brings new meaning to the words and our current situation.
But it was not your fault but mine.
And it was your heart on the line.
I really fucked it up this time,
Didn't I, my dear?
Didn't I, my…
I can see him from where we're sitting in the family room. He looks amazing, as he always does when he sings. He takes on a different kind of confidence. He is engrossed in the song, almost as if no one else is in the room. It's like he's in a musical trance. His voice is incredible. The way his fingers slide across the strings of his guitar, it's clear this is what he is meant to do.
People stop to listen to him. You can't help it. It's not just me; I see it in everyone surrounding him. They are all drawn to him.
Shane is using the coffee table as a makeshift drum, and it sounds surprisingly good. They sound great together, and luckily, R
TS can't sing until her nose brace is removed—strict doctor's orders. I feel better and better about my decision to hit her on a daily basis. Todd was right, my hand fully healed. It was just bruised, kind of like my heart. Seeing him sing only magnifies just how bruised my heart actually is.
They sing a few songs all with similar themes, and I wonder if he's singing these to me, but then I think I just need to get over myself. My eyes connect with his a few times as he sings, and as soon as they do, I shift mine away as a safety reflex. Then I hate myself for doing it. Why are my instincts betraying me like this, and why is my natural impulse to look away when all I really want to do is stare into his eyes for hours like we used to do?
I can get lost in his eyes; there are so many colors in them. I want to study them again. I want to see how he's feeling based on their color, but I haven't been close enough to really look into them in weeks, and that kills me.
I feel someone's hand on my knee and look up to see Shane sitting down next to me on the couch.
"Interesting song choices." I say with a smile.
"Tell me about it," Shane replies with a shrug. It's clear he had nothing to do with them. "He said he wanted to do this one on his own."
That's when I hear the notes from his guitar cut through the simmering noises of the party. Considering how many people are here, it is surprisingly quite. Todd really has captured everyone's attention. Then I hear his voice, and I know exactly what song he's performing. I know because it's a song I've listened to a million times on repeat these last few weeks.
"Say Something" by A Great Big World. I can't believe these words are coming out of his mouth,
Say something,
I'm giving up on you.
I'll be the one if you want me to.
Anywhere I would've followed you.
Say something,
I'm giving up on you.
His voice is subdued but unbelievably clear, unbelievably beautiful. I hear the pain in it. It's as if he's feeling these words, breathing these words, living these words.
And I am feeling so small.
It was over my head,
I know nothing at all.
And I will stumble and fall.
I'm still learning to love,
Just starting to crawl.
Our eyes connect, and I don't look away this time. My eyes are locked on his. It's as if these words are for me, and I know it. He's singing directly to me, and he's not trying to hide it anymore, but I know we're not alone. I'm getting angry that he's making this so personal in front of all of these people.
I feel the tears starting to well up in my eyes, and the lump in my throat is instantly back. Don't cry here. You can't cry here. You will not cry here, I keep repeating to myself, but I can't help it.
And I will swallow my pride,
You're the one that I love
And I'm saying goodbye.
With those words, I can't take it anymore. I feel like he took his guitar and plunged it into my heart. I have to get out of here. Now.
I’m not exactly sure what happens next, but before I know it, I'm outside and walking down the street. I don't care where I'm going or how I'm getting there. I just needed to get out of that party, that room, that house, immediately. I try to take a deep breath, but I can't. I can't catch my breath, I can't breathe, and I can't see because my eyes are so clouded with tears.
I knew this was a bad idea. Coming here. Seeing him. Why would he do that in front of all of those people? I'm so confused my head is spinning.
"Ashley, wait." I hear a voice from behind me. It's not the voice I need, though. It's not the voice I want. I turn around to see Casey running down the street after me.
"I think you are faster out of the pool than you are in it," he says through breaks of panting as he jogs to catch up with me.
I smile and give him a small laugh, trying to quickly conceal my tears. I wipe them away with the back of my hand, but I know it's too late.
"Go back to the party, Casey. I'm fine."
"Yeah? You seem fine," he says, finally catching up to me. "Running down the middle of the street, by yourself, crying—yup, all is good here. What was I thinking?"
"Stop it." I push him in the chest playfully. "I really appreciate you coming after me, but there's a cute girl in there, and now I'm blowing it for you, too."
"Ashley, Ashley, Ashley, there's a cute girl right here, and I'm much more interested in her." He gives me his best million-dollar smile as he walks over to the sidewalk and pats the ground for me to join him.
I glance down the street. It's empty. No one else is coming. No Todd. So I sit down next to him.
"Thanks, Casey." I smile. "I needed that." I nudge him as I join him on the ground. We're in our usual positions except we're not in the break house at work, and there's grass and sidewalk beneath us instead of orange-shag carpeting.
"I can't believe he just did that." I shake my head and press the palms of my hands into my eyes, trying to will the tears to stop, but it's not working.
"I know." Casey's voice takes on a sympathetic whisper. "As much as it pains me to say this, I actually think he still really cares about you."
"How do you figure? He basically broke up with me again in a song, at his own party, in front of everyone we know."
Casey laughs. "When you put it like that…"
"I can't believe you, of all people, are sticking up for him."
"I wouldn't go that far," he says, pulling my chin toward his. "I'm just calling it how I see it, and I think he knows how special you are." He pauses and wipes a tear from my cheek with the pad of his thumb, then he places a few loose curls behind my ear to remove all obstacles so our eyes can lock. "I've wanted to do this for a long time." As he leans down, his lips crash into mine, and I instinctively close my eyes. His lips are soft, but they are not Todd's, and those are the only lips I want touching mine. Casey is perfect in every way, but he's not perfect for me, and it's never been clearer to me than in this moment.
Casey pulls back and our eyes reconnect. "Nothing, huh?" he asks with a grin as he continues to brush the loose strands of windblown hair out of my eyes. Even in rejection, he's cool. I can't help smiling at how easy he's making this for me.
"Casey Osterfield, you are incredible. I just think I gave my whole heart to someone else already." I roll my eyes and laugh. "I'm not sure why."
"Me, either," Casey says, leaning in one more time.
"Figures," I hear Todd's voice.
Casey and I both instantly separate, but it's too late. I see it all over Todd's face. I see the disappointment, the anger, the hurt. I know he already thought we were together, and this has solidified it for him.
"I knew it!" he shouts, shaking his head.
"Todd, it's not what you think," I blurt out, wanting to fix it, to explain, and then I glance at Casey, feeling bad for disregarding him so quickly. He gives me a knowing head nod and quick smile.
"It's true, Todd. There's nothing going on with us," Casey reassures him.
Todd looks at me with squinted eyes, like he's trying to figure it out, and then he looks at Casey. "Like I should believe you," he says with such venom. I've never seen Todd like this, and it's clear he hasn't gotten over any of his anger when it comes to Casey.
I stand up and start to walk toward him, but as soon as I take a step in his direction, he shakes his head. "Don't, Ash." He turns around and starts to walk back down the street toward the party.
I see Sid and Shane heading in our direction. Sid is clearly slightly intoxicated. I can tell because her voice is at a volume unnecessarily loud for her empty street in the middle of the night.
"Todd, how could you?" She grabs his arm, and I see him pull away from her.
"Not now, Sid. Why don't you ask your best friend that question?" He glares down the street in our direction as he continues walking back toward the party.
The words sting, mostly because this is all a misunderstanding. All of it.
"Ashley, what are you doing?" Shane asks as he approaches us, eyeing Casey.
"Nothing. We weren't doing anything. I had to get out of there, Shane, and Casey came after me."
"Yeah, I got that much, thanks."
"You should've seen Shaney, Ash," Sid says, full of excitement. "As soon as you ran out, he pulled the guitar out of Todd's hands and shoved him in the chest and shouted 'What are you doing?'"
"Seems to be a running question," Shane says under his breath, but I catch it.
"Shane, you didn't?"
He smiles, suddenly proud of himself at the reminder. "I did." He stands up a little straighter.
"What did Todd do?"
"He stopped, and then he ran out after you," Shane says, still full of pride.
"But then what happened?" Sid asks.
"He saw us together, again," Casey says with guilt.
Sid and Shane gasp at the same time. "What were you both doing?" Sid asks, the alcohol, or maybe the fact that this is about her brother, giving her courage.
"Nothing," Casey and I both say in unison.
"But it didn't look like nothing," Shane says, shaking his head with realization.
"Sadly, no," I agree.
"And if it were up to me, it wouldn't be nothing, either." Casey gives a sarcastic smirk as he rubs my back with his hand. I look up at him and smile, knowing what it feels like to be hurt, hating that I'm hurting him.
'Sorry,' I mouth to him.
"Go get your man," he says, nudging me in the direction of Todd's house.
"Um, I think maybe we should do that tomorrow." We all turn to see Ryan approaching us. "Tonight, he's pretty pissed." He gives a wincing kind of head nod. "Brian's with him now, trying to calm him down. But if I were you, Casey, I would leave. And, Ash, I think it's best if I take you home."
I can tell by the look on my brother's face I shouldn't argue; I should just go.
"Bye, Casey. I'll see you tomorrow." I step up on my tip-toes to kiss him on the cheek. "Thanks for everything," I whisper in his ear.
"Thank you, Ashley Taylor," he says with a smile as the soles of my feet reconnect with the pavement. "I meant what I said," he leans down and whispers.
Accidental Love (Accidental Crush #2) Page 19