5 The Boy Who Never Grew Up

by David Handler

  “I’m sure, Pinky.”

  “Okay. Oh, hey, that reminds me, Hoagy.” He cleared his throat uneasily. “Katrina has something she’s busting a gut to ask you. If ya don’t mind.”

  I did mind, but I owed her one now.

  “I heard the father of her baby was really Sam Shepard,” she blurted out eagerly. “Is that true?”

  “I only know what I read in the papers.”

  She frowned. “You mean Merilee won’t even tell you?”

  “I mean Merilee especially won’t tell me.”

  She tossed her blond mane. “Gee, I don’t understand.”

  “That makes two of us.” Lulu let out a low growl from next to me. “Correction—three of us.”

  And with that we walked down the sandy path to the beach. It was a weekday, and there were very few people out. There was a black nanny in a starched white uniform with a little blond boy, who was crying. There was a teenage girl in a T-shirt and cutoffs sitting on a towel writing someone a letter or a poem. There was us. The tide was out. The Great White Monk wheezed as he clomped through the wet sand, his arms swinging wildly back and forth. I had to walk three feet away from him to keep from getting belted. Lulu scampered down to the water’s edge and chased a gull away, arfing gleefully. Some of the happiest days of her puppyhood had been spent here on this very beach. That first summer, when Merilee and I were golden. But that was once upon a time.

  “I have the perfect woman, Hoagy,” Lyle Hudnut boasted, yet again. “We have unbelievable sex together. Woman’s a Hoover, y’know what I’m saying? She sucks up every last drop, is what I’m saying.” He had a smug, nasty little smirk on his face. I wanted to wipe it off. I would continue to want that the whole time I knew Lyle Hudnut. “And, whoa, you wouldn’t believe the clam she’s got on her.”

  “I didn’t come all the way out here to talk about Katrina Tingle’s clam, Lyle,” I said, to shut him up, and because I hadn’t.

  He stopped cold there in the sand, his face turning bright red again, as if clogged with blood. This time his eyes bugged out, too, and he began to breathe swiftly in and out, his thick lips pulled back from his teeth in a menacing grimace. Quite some intimidating presence, really. I doubted there was anyone in network television he didn’t scare the shit out of. “You’re one of them, aren’t you?” he bellowed, fists clenched tightly.

  “Which them is that, Lyle?”

  “Them who are always putting everyone else down. Them who are always criticizing. I can’t stand negativism! It’s a cancer. It spreads. It kills.” He shook a fat finger at me. “I’m totally serious about Katrina. I love her. And she loves me. She’s the real thing for me. I even changed my will. Katrina’s my sole beneficiary. If that’s not love, I’d like to know what is.”

  “Don’t look at me. I’m the wrong person to ask.”

  He snorted at me. We resumed walking, past the neighboring showplaces tucked back behind the dunes.

  “Geez, it’s so great here,” he observed contentedly. His mood swings were truly awesome. “Can’t believe I actually live out here. Me. Lyle Hudnut from Bay Shore. Of course, once we go into production I’m in the city full-time. Keep a suite at the Essex House, but all I ever do is crash there for a few hours. Studio’s where I live.”

  “I have to know some things, Lyle.”

  “Sure, pal,” he said easily. “Like

  what?”

  “Like what the hell you were doing in that theater.”

  He made that popping noise with his lips. “You don’t waste any time, do you?”

  “It’s what everyone wants to know, Lyle.”

  And absolutely couldn’t figure out. After all, the man was living with a major sexpot. After all, the man could have rented an X-rated movie and masturbated in the privacy of his own home if that was what he felt like doing. What was he doing in a Times Square theater with his entire career in his fist? It made no sense. And had been the number one subject of speculation, wonderment, and psychobabble in the tabloid press for months.

  “I have to know, Lyle. I have to know you’re prepared to deal with this thing openly. Because if all you want is a whitewash, then I’m out of here.”

  “Fair enough.” He considered his reply carefully before he ran his hand through his stubby red curls and said, “I had a headache.”

  “I understand they have aspirin for that sort of thing.”

  “Not that kind of headache. I get terrible, terrible migraines. My head feels like it’s being cut open with a chain saw. I can barely see. Strictly from doing the show. Fighting with the network, with the writers, with the cast. The pressure’s enormous and it’s all on me. For years, I coped by snorting coke. Couple thousand bucks’ worth a week. But I was trying to get off it, see? On account of Katrina said she’d break it off with me otherwise. She said I was killing myself. Just like Beloosh did. That day … that was a bad, bad day. I was stressed out, hadn’t slept in three days. Never did, unless I took sleeping pills, and I was off of those, too. See, I was strung out on Halcion for two years. Which they now say can cause major nutsiness. Like I need a drug for that, right?”

  “That day, Lyle … ?”

  “The show wouldn’t work,” he recalled. “The Munchkins had the flu. The toilet was stopped up. There was a blizzard. I couldn’t get hold of the plumber. Sis was coming down with the flu, too.”

  I tugged at my ear. “You mean in the show.”

  “Yeah, but it always carries over into real life. I know that sounds weird, but it’s true. I was feeling … trapped. Like my head was gonna explode. I had to get away. Had to.” His voice was insistent and strangely high-pitched over the surf. He sounded almost desperate, like a man who was drowning in deep water, not walking on hard sand. I would think of that often as I got to know Lyle better. “I could just as easily have walked down to the Tenth Street Baths for a shvitz. Believe me, I wish I had. I walked uptown instead. I don’t know why I went in that theater. I—I just needed a release. It just happened. That’s the truth. The absolute truth.” He plowed along through the sand, his eyes out on the sailboats. “I still can’t believe how pissed the public got. I really can’t. I mean, people went crazy. Some parents’ group in Alabama said I ought to be castrated. That was my favorite. No, no—my favorite was that shrink in the Daily News who said I wanted to get caught. Like I was trying to commit professional suicide. Like I’d actually cancel myself. I mean, Christ, why would I wanna do that? Chubby’s my whole career.” He glanced over at me uncertainly. “That open enough for you?”

  “Still have these headaches?”

  “Haven’t since I went on this diet and exercise regimen. Of course, we’re not in production yet. That’ll be the real test. Whew, let’s take a blow, huh?” There was a driftwood log ahead of us, bleached white as bone. He flopped down on it heavily, puffing, drenched with sweat.

  I stood there watching him. In some ways he reminded me of the neighborhood fat kid, the whiny one who always got picked last when you chose up sides for baseball. In some ways he reminded me of the bully who stole smaller kids’ lunch money and dangled them headfirst in the boys’ room toilets. Uncle Chubby was a bit of both. Was his creator, too?

  He squinted up at me. “Wanna know what I’m all about?”

  “It would be nice.”

  “I’m simple,” he explained. “If they put out a commemorative stamp of the eighties it would have my picture on it. Gimme, gimme, gimme. Get it all, spend it all, fuck it all.”

  “The eighties are over,” I pointed out.

  “Well, I ain’t,” he said defiantly. “But that me is. All I’m trying to do now is hold myself together, one day at a time. And, believe me, it ain’t easy. But I’m doing it. I’m surviving. I’m chemically pure for the first time in practically my whole fucking life. And I’m not in any of that fucking therapy anymore either. No shrink can heal ya, Hoagy. Not if you don’t want to be healed. And if you do, you don’t need nobody else. I’m through with all of that therap
y shit. I’m a grown-up now. The past is the past. Except for one thing …” His face darkened. “I can never, ever forgive my parents for what they did to me. Not ever.” He poked at the sand with his sandal. “Look, I’ve never talked much about my childhood in interviews, other than to say it was pretty typical.”

  “I’ve yet to run across one that was.”

  He snorted. “Then you’ll get off on this—I’m the star of the number-one family show in America and I haven’t spoken to my own family in over twenty years. Pretty fucking weird if you think about it. But some pretty weird shit went down, Hoagy. Shit nobody knows about. Mind-blowing shit. What I’m trying to say is …I wanna put it in this book.”

  “Why now?”

  He shrugged. “Because I think it’ll lend a certain … perspective to what happened at the Deuce. And because I can’t keep a lid on it anymore. Ever since I got busted, the tabloids have been digging into my life like crazy. One of ’em found an old classmate of mine who was willing to talk, for a price. I topped it. For his silence.”

  “You’ve been blackmailed?”

  “I’ve been lucky. Next time, I may not be. And there will be a next time. I wanna deal with this myself, in my own way. Not read about it in the Enquirer.”

  I nodded, wondering what was left that could possibly hurt him more than he’d already been hurt. “Your editor said you had new revelations. Is this what he meant?”

  He climbed back up to his feet. We resumed walking, Lulu tagging along behind us.

  “Mind if I take my turn now?” he asked. “There’s some shit I’d like to know about you, too.”

  This was him seizing back the offensive. Or trying. A collaboration is often this—a battle of wills.

  “Such as?”

  “Whether I can expect you to be a friend or an enema.”

  “Are those the only two choices on the menu?”

  “They are with me. I’ve had some pretty negative experiences with people, Hoagy. Too many. So I need absolute loyalty. That’s a must. Can I count on you?”

  “To do what?”

  “Be my friend.”

  He said it simply and naively. It almost sounded like a plea.

  “You can’t buy friends, Lyle.”

  “Sure you can,” he said smugly. “I do it all the time.”

  “What else do you want to know about me?”

  “Are you a fan of my show?” He watched me carefully for my answer.

  “I’ve seen it.”

  He waited for me to say more. He wanted me to say more. Desperately. TV people always want you to tell them they’re the rare exception, the real thing—genuine quality in a sea of born-to-be-mild mediocrity. Because they honestly and truly want to think they are, and because they honestly and truly know they aren’t. Most of them do, anyway. I wasn’t sure about Lyle yet.

  When I didn’t say more, he said, “I never sweeten, y’know.”

  “Sweeten?”

  “No laugh track. Not ever. All the laughs you hear on Uncle Chubby are honest laughs. I earn ’em. I do quality, every single fucking week. Because I care. Because I won’t do that brain-dead shitcom they do out in L.A. My show is New York. It’s alive. It’s unique. I’m unique.” He proclaimed this grandly, for all the birds and fishes to hear. “Face it, I’m the funniest man on television.”

  “If you say so.”

  He gave me The Scowl. “Okay, who’s funnier?!”

  “Do politicians count?”

  “I’m the funniest,” he insisted, jabbing himself in the chest with a fat, blunt thumb. “Me. Get this, pal—Uncle Chubby matters to me, okay? My people there, those are the people who count in my life. They’re my family. I’m not just talking about Katrina. I’m talking about Muck and Meyer, The Boys, who been writing for me since college. They’re like the brothers I never had. I mean, Christ, Marty Muck was one of the original Suburbanites. So was Fiona.” He meant Fiona Shrike, the actress who played his sister, Deirdre, in the show. And who Lyle was once married to. “I’m talking about The Kids, Annabelle and Bobby, my young writers. I’m so fucking proud of ’em. And The Munchkins, Casey and Caitlin,” he added, referring to the real-life brother and sister who played Chubby’s on-camera nephew and niece. “They’re like my own flesh and blood, those two. And their mom, Amber. Her and me go way back. Amber was my assistant director. And Marjorie Daw, my network supervisor. She’s the greatest. I gave her her start in the business.” He cackled. “Also her first orgasm.”

  I was beginning to think I would detest Lyle Hudnut. Which didn’t exactly thrill me, but didn’t surprise me either. I was used to working for people I didn’t like. “I think I understand what you’re saying, Lyle. Believe me, I intend to interview everyone who—”

  “No, ya don’t understand what I’m saying,” he snapped.

  “Okay, then, what are you saying?”

  “I’m saying we go into production next week. And once we do, we become totally cut off from the outside world. We’re a classic closed society. We got our own pecking order, our own laws, our own loves and hates and beliefs. I’m saying that you’re an outsider. And the only possible way you can comprehend my world, comprehend me, is to be one of us. I’m saying I want ya on staff.”

  I tugged at my ear. “As what, Lyle?”

  “As a writer, whattaya think? A fucking prop master?”

  “Thank you, no.”

  “Why not?” he demanded, waddling along.

  “I don’t do windows or sitcoms.”

  He waved this off. “The Boys’ll teach you in no time flat. They’re walking, talking sitcom encyclopedias. Know every episode of every show that’s ever been done. You’ll hang out, you’ll listen, you’ll learn. And most importantly, you’ll be accepted as part of the family. That’s the only way you’ll get to know ’em. Believe me, they’re very sensitive people.”

  “I didn’t know it was possible to work on a sitcom and be sensitive.”

  “Hey, we’re all human beings.”

  “I didn’t know it was possible to work on a sitcom and be a human being.”

  “I want you by my side,” he insisted stubbornly. “Look, pal, I’m gonna be major-league busy. I can’t be blocking out time for you. You gotta catch me on the run. Over lunch, in editing … Only way you can do that is to be around. Tell ya what—I’ll make you an executive story consultant, okay? Seventy-five hundred a week. On top of what you’re getting to do the book, which is already the highest fee of any ghost in the business.”

  “I give good value.”

  “I wouldn’t call a third of my royalties good value,” he growled.

  “No one’s complained yet. At least not by the time it was over.” Of course, a number were dead by the time it was over, but there was no use telling him that. He had enough on his mind. And I needed the job.

  We walked in silence a moment.

  He broke it. “All right, I’ll make it ten grand. If it’s money that’s bothering ya.”

  “It isn’t.”

  “Then what is?” I don’t write jokes—at least, not intentionally.”

  He let out his huge hoo-hah-hah of a laugh. “Christ, nobody’s gonna expect you to be funny. Half the sitcom writers in the business can’t break a pane of glass with their best fast ball. Besides, I don’t need ya for gags. The Boys are my shtickticians. No, you …” He scratched his chin thoughtfully. “You’ll be my feelings specialist.”

  Lulu stopped cold in the sand and began to cough violently, sending her pith helmet toppling down over her eyes, blinding her. I bent down and straightened it.

  Lyle frowned at her. “Swallow a shell or something?”

  “No, she just can’t believe her ears,” I explained. “And neither can I.” Now she showed me her teeth. She’s rather sensitive about the subject of her flappers. “Your feelings specialist, Lyle?”

  “My feelings specialist,” he confirmed. “Everybody’s a specialist of some kind nowadays. Nobody’s good at doing everything. That’s why
you gotta have a staff. Me, I come up with the story ideas and break ’em down into scenes. The Boys, they bang out the best first drafts in the business. Table-ready in three days. All that’s missing is the texture and the depth. That’s when the group takes over. Annabelle, she services The Munchkins and Rusty. There’s nobody better at kids and dogs. Bobby, he’s our angry young playwright. A real head-banger. Plus he’s deep—which The Boys, God bless ’em, ain’t. Then we get it up on its feet. Me, I rewrite most of my own lines on the floor as we rehearse. Fiona’s the same way. She’s a master of improv. The Boys punch up the gags as we go along. We’re a small, tight group. Real efficient. But I been thinking we need a feelings specialist this season, what with Deirdre’s new romance and all. You have feelings, don’t ya?”

  “Why, is that a prerequisite?”

  “Your job is to keep each character’s emotional arc straight, vis-à-vis the story. Which ain’t always easy. I mean, I always know where Chubby is. But with the other characters I can use someone at the table with a clear eye to say, “That’s a funny line, Lyle, but Deirdre wouldn’t say that just yet because she’s not ready to forgive Chubby.’ And I’ll go, ‘Okay, you’re right.’ And change it. Or say we get stuck and we can’t figure out what the fuck Deirdre’s supposed to say next. I can turn to you and you’ll say, ‘Okay, what is Deirdre feeling right now?’ And we’ll talk it through.”

  “And for that I get paid ten thousand a week?”

  “Every week. It’s right up your alley.”

  “I try to stay out of alleys. How much writing is involved?”

  “None. You’re strictly a consultant. Unless you wanna try your hand at a first draft, in which case you’ll get paid the Writers’ Guild half-hour minimum just like everyone else, fifteen thou and change. Plus all the residuals you can eat.” We walked on in silence. “So whattaya say, pal?”

  “Exactly what I said before, Lyle. I’m not a sitcom writer.”

  “I don’t get you, man!” he fumed angrily.

  “I’m complex,” I acknowledged. “But I’m not deep. Tell me about these new revelations of yours.”