Dishonorable

by Natasha Knight

  I felt like two boulders pushed at me from either side, squeezing the life out of me. All while I held Sofia, trying to keep her from getting crushed.

  I got up out of bed.

  Sofia stirred but settled quickly. I covered her with the blanket and slipped on a pair of jeans, then, from my closet, I retrieved the soiled sheet Maria had folded and placed there on my instruction while I’d washed Sofia. I took it downstairs, into the living room. There, I lit a fire in the fireplace and watched it take, watched the kindling burn, watched it set the wood aflame. I studied that fire for a long while. I don’t even think I consciously decided. I set the sheet in the flames, destroying it, watching it burn, all evidence of our wedding night turning to ash.

  In a way, it was symbolic because inside, I too was ash.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Sofia

  The next morning when I woke, Raphael was gone. I wondered if he slept, how many hours he slept. Last night, after making love to me—and he had made love to me—he’d washed me so tenderly, so carefully, it surprised me. Although maybe it shouldn’t have. Maybe duality was the norm with him. Maybe knowing he had a capacity to be tender would make a difference, would make tolerating him when he was terrible bearable. Because I also knew he would be terrible.

  Or maybe that knowledge would only make those moments that much harder.

  After the night in Civitella in Val di Chiana, I didn’t know how I’d be able to go through with the wedding. The wedding night. But then he’d told me why. My grandfather had used Lina like a pawn. He’d seen a window, my weakness, and had used it against Raphael.

  I needed to talk to my grandfather. I needed to confront him and hear from him his side of the story, about the stealing, about his agreement with Raphael. But I wasn’t fool enough to think he’d tell me the truth. At least not all of it. But there were two sides to every story, and he had raised me. The man had given us shelter, if not love, for thirteen years. He’d given us the best that money could buy. He couldn’t hate us.

  He sold you out.

  Literally.

  Yes, he had. But if I were honest with myself, the way he felt about me wasn’t the same as what he felt for Lina. Maybe it was because she was younger. Maybe it was her nature, that she forced some affection, even if it was the slightest bit of it from him?

  Lina aside, though, I couldn’t forget or deny that he had gone against me. And if what Raphael said was true, that he was stealing from me, from Lina—he had to be stopped.

  But he was still my grandfather.

  I rubbed my neck, trying to alieve the headache that was forming.

  Another thing had been niggling in the back of my mind for a few days. Ever since the flight to Italy. I was eighteen now. I was married. Together with Raphael, I was capable of supporting my sister.

  Could I request and be granted guardianship of her? Could I bring Lina here to live with us? If my grandfather didn’t allow it, which I felt would be his response, would I fight him in court? Could I? How public would I be willing to go—if what Raphael said was true? How much would it hurt Lina? Her relationship with him was different. They lived in the same house. I’d been gone for four years.

  But there was another question too. Would Raphael allow it?

  He’d given me the gift of time with her. He knew how much she meant to me. But to bring her here to live with us?

  Would Lina even want to? She’d have to leave everything behind. How would she feel about leaving our grandfather alone? And could I cast doubt on her faith in Grandfather, when I wasn’t sure myself what was true?

  It was a lot to think about. I climbed out of bed, then remembered that when Raphael had been bathing me, someone had come into the bedroom to change the sheets. My face heated at the thought of it, of someone—Maria, I would guess—knowing. Is that where he was now? Showing them to my grandfather?

  I shook my head, forcing that thought away. I wouldn’t think of it. I couldn’t. It was too terrible. And as much as I didn’t want to, I knew I had to talk to my grandfather this week before he returned home.

  I picked up my cell phone and found his number, but I put it away again. I wouldn’t call or make an appointment. I would show up at his hotel. Surprise him. Maybe catch him off guard.

  Besides, I had more important things to do today.

  Realizing I had no clothes in Raphael’s room—the person who’d changed the sheets had even taken the wedding dress—I opened the door to his walk-in closet. I switched on the light and deeply inhaled, the scent of him strong here. I wasn’t sure what I expected to find, but it wasn’t much. A few suits were hung neatly, all dark, some pairs of jeans were folded and stacked, and T-shirts. A mountain of them. All were either black or white.

  I chuckled. Ironic. Black and white. Good and evil. He was both.

  Turning, I found a discarded black T-shirt on top of the laundry basket. Glancing around to be sure I was alone, I picked it up, brought it to my face, and inhaled. Without overthinking it, I pulled the shirt over my head. It fell to midthigh, which would do. I left his bedroom and tiptoed down the hall to mine, aware of the ache between my legs, of how he’d taken me, how he’d been almost gentle. At first.

  I still wondered if I had said no, would he have forced me?

  Once in my room, I quickly got changed into a pair of shorts and a tank top, brushed my teeth and washed my face, pulled my hair into a ponytail, and headed to Lina’s bedroom. She was already in the hallway when I stepped out of my bedroom, dressed and carrying Charlie, cooing to him as he nuzzled against her, his little tail wagging.

  “I love him so much,” she said when she saw me.

  “Me too. He’s wonderful.”

  She looked at my face and smiled.

  “You look good.” She winked.

  “Shut up,” I said, taking her by the arm and leading her to the stairs. “I’m starving. You?”

  “Yes.”

  “How did you sleep?”

  “Great. I didn’t sleep on the flight, and I was dead on my feet.”

  “Did you talk to Grandfather today?” I asked.

  “Not yet. I told him last night that I’d call him today for lunch. It would be good for you too. You can’t avoid him forever. Maybe give him a chance to explain.”

  I linked my arm through hers, and we walked down the stairs and into the kitchen. “I know I have to see him. It’ll help to have you there.”

  “Then it’s decided,” Lina said.

  Nicola handed me a note as soon as I walked into the kitchen.

  “For you.”

  “Thanks,” I looked at the folded sheet of paper, confused, then opened it.

  Sofia,

  I hope you slept well. I had business early, and I won’t be back until late. Eric has been instructed to take you and your sister wherever you want to go.

  Be in my bed tonight.

  Raphael

  I quickly folded the note and stuffed it into my pocket, trying not to think about the words. “Be in my bed tonight.”

  I decided I’d be irritated about Eric instead. I could drive a car. But he didn’t want Eric there as a driver. He wanted security. I thought back to the night before, to those men who’d come late, the ones he’d met with in his study. I shivered at the memory of how the one had looked at me.

  “What is it?” Lina asked.

  “Nothing. Just that we have a driver,” I said with resigned smile.

  Lina studied me for a minute. She knew I was hiding something but thankfully, she didn’t comment.

  “You’re not going to wear those sandals, are you?” I said, looking at her feet. “It’s a lot of walking.” She had on a pair of beautiful, brand-new sandals with a two-inch heel. I’d slipped on a pair of well-worn Toms.

  “They’re cute. I have to break them in somewhere.”

  “Siena’s probably not the place to break them in.”

  “Beauty doesn’t come free,” she said, shrugging a shoulder.

  �
�Nerd.”

  She stuck her tongue out at me.

  After breakfast, we left Charlie behind. Eric drove us to Siena, where my grandfather was staying. Lina had arranged for us to meet him at his hotel for lunch, which gave us a few hours to shop and sightsee. It felt great to be with her again. Alone in a beautiful place, I could almost forget the reasons we were here.

  My grandfather was staying in the nicest hotel in the ancient city. As we walked toward his table at the back of the restaurant, I couldn’t help wondering if Lina’s or my inheritance was paying for it. I watched him as we approached, sitting behind the elegantly laid table with its white cloth, a smile on his face, his white hair perfectly styled, his suit impeccable as he rose to greet us.

  “Lina and Sofia,” he said, smiling, holding out his hands to us.

  Lina smiled back and took it. “Hi, Granddad.” She kissed his cheek, and his smile widened.

  I felt that usual pang of envy at her relationship with him. I didn’t want to feel it, but I did. Even if he’d never be like other grandparents, his affection for Lina was obvious, as obvious as the fact that he’d never felt quite the same way about me.

  “Exactly your mother’s eyes. It’s remarkable,” he said once they’d broken away.

  Although we looked very much alike, Lina had inherited mom’s eye color as well as her olive skin and darker hair, whereas I had my father’s coloring and eyes. I wondered if that’s what it was. If that was why he loved me a little less.

  “Sofia,” he hesitated. “You look well.”

  I couldn’t answer, my thoughts too confused with all I’d learned. With all he had to answer.

  “Sit down, ladies.”

  He raised a hand to call the waitress. We ordered drinks, water for Lina and me, and a glass of white wine for my grandfather, then sat studying our menus in silence for longer than was comfortable. While I hid behind the menu, I thought about how I’d do this, how I’d ask him my question, how to do it without screaming. My heart pounded, and I was sweating. And I hated myself for it.

  Remarkably, we ate lunch without a mention of Raphael, of what had happened to lead us here. Lina did most of the talking, obviously nervous to leave even one awkward moment. Even though she didn’t know all the details, she knew the agreement of my marriage had been made between Grandfather and Raphael.

  At the end of the hour, she stood to go to the ladies’ room.

  “Should we go together?” she asked.

  It would have been easier to say yes. To bury my head in the sand. But I couldn’t do that. “No, go ahead.”

  Lina smiled and squeezed my shoulder. No matter what, she didn’t like conflict. Maybe she thought he and I would make up in these next few minutes.

  I watched him as he watched her go. He then turned to me.

  “How are you, Sofia?” he asked.

  “Well, considering.”

  “I want you to know that I acknowledge I chose poorly.”

  He surprised me.

  “I should have found another way.”

  “Wow. You chose poorly.” I shook my head. “Yes, you should have found another way.”

  “I’m trying to fix this.”

  “Fix it how? Isn’t it too late for that?”

  He didn’t answer. “I’m extending my trip, so you can spend time with your sister.”

  “How generous of you.” I couldn’t say that I knew why. Like a fool, I felt too ashamed.

  “Sofia—”

  “Is what he said true? Are you stealing from us?”

  There was a flash of something close to annoyance in his eyes, but he masked it quickly.

  “Stealing from you?”

  “And Lina.”

  “You know the money is in your names, always will be. I married into the family. You two were born into it.”

  “Are you stealing from us, then? Just tell me the truth.”

  “I’m using funds required to bring you up the way you should be brought up,” he answered sharply.

  “And you? You’re not setting any aside for yourself?”

  “Don’t be ungrateful, Sofia. It’s not becoming.”

  “Becoming?” I shook my head.

  He picked up his glass of wine and took a sip. He’d hardly touched it throughout our lunch.

  “Why do you hate me, Grandfather? What did I ever do to you?”

  He shook his head. “I don’t hate you, Sofia.”

  “You don’t love me either. Not like Lina.”

  “Your jealousy is unfounded.”

  “Is it because I’m the reason mom ran away to marry dad?” I blurted out. It was a question I’d had for a long time, one I never had the courage to ask. I’d done the math after finding letters from my mom to my grandmother. She and dad weren’t married when she got pregnant.

  My grandfather’s face hardened. He tilted his head to the side. “I’m trying to amend my actions, Sofia. Trying to fix what I’ve done. Believe it or not, I don’t want to lose my granddaughter the way I lost my daughter.”

  I faltered, not sure what I’d expected. It certainly wasn’t that.

  “Are you looking for forgiveness, then? Do you expect mine?” I asked, this whole thing ridiculous.

  He smiled and shook his head. I heard Lina’s sandals clicking on the marble floor.

  “Don’t you think I know I don’t deserve that?” he asked. A moment later, he pasted a smile on his face, hiding any emotion he felt, and stood to help Lina into her seat.

  We left twenty minutes later. I hadn’t spoken more than a few words once Lina had returned to the table, my mind too full with what grandfather had said. He’d seemed remorseful, which was strange for him. All this time, did he regret what had happened with my mother? Did he regret losing her because he couldn’t accept her choice of husband?

  It was two hours later when we were on our way out of town that Lina realized she didn’t have her cell phone.

  “I wonder if I left it in the ladies’ room at the hotel when I washed my hands.”

  “We can go back. It’s just a few blocks that way.”

  “My feet are killing me in these sandals,” she said.

  I took her arm, and we turned toward the hotel. “Next time, wear smart shoes. Not pretty ones.”

  “Yeah, yeah.”

  We walked into the lobby of the hotel, and Lina went to check the bathroom. She emerged with a smile on her face a minute later.

  “Got it.”

  “You’re lucky. Let’s go.” Grandfather had said he had meetings the rest of the day, so I didn’t expect to see him and was grateful I didn’t. But then, just on our way out of the hotel, I heard his voice. We both did and stopped. He was speaking with someone, and the other man laughed. Something told me to hide. I dragged Lina into an alcove and signaled for her to be quiet. From our hiding place, we watched my grandfather and the strange man who’d come to the wedding the night before walk into the lobby. They both looked serious and not quite friendly, but when the man held out his hand and my grandfather shook it, I felt a chill run down my spine.

  “We have to go,” I said once the men had gone.

  “What is it? Who was that? He was at the house last night too.”

  I shook my head, confused myself, questioning my loyalties. My grandfather had just shaken hands with my husband’s enemy.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Raphael

  By the time I got home, it was well past midnight. I went directly to my room, not sure if she’d have done as she’d been told or not, but there she was, asleep in my bed. She was still dressed and on top of the sheets. Her arm hung over the side, and a book lay facedown on the floor.

  She must have been waiting up for me. Or trying to.

  I watched her for a few minutes. She wore white shorts and a yellow tank top, and long wisps of chestnut hair had fallen all over her back and arm. Her legs had tanned a little, and looking at her bare feet turned in a little at the toes, it made her look like a child. Like she needed pr
otection.

  And she did.

  More than she knew.

  I touched her face. She made a sound and turned away, still asleep. I picked up her book. When Nietsche Wept. I raised my eyebrows.

  “Interesting choice.”

  After setting her bookmark in the page that was open, I placed it on the nightstand, then sat on the bed and pushed the hair off her face to look at her.

  She wore no makeup and slept so soundly. I couldn’t remember ever sleeping like that. Nightmares had ruled my childhood and carried well into my adulthood. Always evolving while at the same time, always staying the same. I was envious of Sofia. I didn’t begrudge her. I was simply envious of her.

  She rolled over onto her back at that moment, her arms falling open on either side of her. She wore no bra, and her tank top stretched across her chest, emphasizing the small, round mounds, the dark nipples. Her short shorts showed off her nicely toned legs. I sat on the bed beside her and, feeling a little like a creep, I undid her shorts. When she didn’t stir, I dragged them down off her legs. She wore pale pink lace panties. My cock was hard at the sight of it, at the little triangle of dark hair just beneath the lace.

  Clearing my throat, I adjusted my cock and stood.

  “Sofia,” I said softly.

  Nothing.

  “Sofia.”

  Again, no response. The girl could sleep.

  Lifting her to sit up, I pulled her tank top over her head. At that, she stirred, blinking several times, giving me a half smile, then closing her eyes again. I smiled back, stupidly, knowing she couldn’t see me. She was asleep.

  I drew the sheets back and lay her down and slid her panties off as well, liking her naked in my bed. Liking looking at her. A moment later, I forced myself to cover her again, then went into the bathroom to shower and climbed into bed beside her.

  “I’m in your bed,” she muttered, rolling toward me and throwing her arm over me. “Like you said.”