Indulge

by Liv Morris

  Me: No rents tonight, no cover, thanks girlie :)

  Piper: Really??

  Me: Yup! D thinks he’s getting lucky tonight lol

  Piper: LMAO! He should know better. Call me

  later

  I look at the clock, and it’s almost 5:30. I better get a move on. I’ve gotta get all this chlorine outta my hair. I turn on the radio to my favorite country station, crank up the volume, and make my way to the bathroom to get ready. I use my most favorite scent in the world, Aruba Coconut. I decide that I need to look beyond hot tonight for Dylan. I know exactly what I’m wearing—Miss Me Jeans, a hot pink tube top and a black bow stretch belt. Heck, I decide to ditch my boots tonight for black wedges.

  As I get ready, I look into the mirror. If I’m going to look hot for Dylan tonight, I have to do something a little different. I add my eyeliner a little darker to my light blue eyes, apply just enough shadow, blush, and bronzer to my porcelain skin, and finish my look with berry-colored lipstick. If I’m the girl on his arm, then I need it to look like we’re a match made in heaven. With that thought, I decide to roll my hair to give it extra body and a totally sexy look.

  As I wait for the curler to cool, I can’t help but think about the first time Dylan asked me out. It was right after the state swim meet. We both placed first in our events. Our relays were in the top two, and Dixon High was State Champions. We were screaming with excitement. The next thing I knew Dylan was hugging me and looking at me with those eyes. I knew he was bad news. He was a love ‘em and leave ‘em kinda guy, but I didn’t care. He chose me, and I chose him. And for some reason, he had never pushed the sex issue. I just didn’t do that kinda thing, and I was upfront about that from the beginning. He was everything I liked in a guy— tall, short dark chocolate brown hair, a hot body that doesn’t leave much to the imagination in a Speedo, washboard stomach, tattoos, and as competitive as me. His only downfall is his possessiveness of me.

  I’m ready by 6:45 and decide to watch a little CMT. I hear the exhaust of his Black 2011 Mustang coming down the drive. Why am I so nervous tonight? I leave on the porch light and head to the car. As I get in, Dylan looks at me.

  “What?!” I say with a smile because I know exactly why he is looking at me with those eyes.

  “Damn, Charley, are you trying to kill me?”

  “I just wanna look good for ya.” I give him a soft, sweet kiss and then we head down the dirt road on the way to the party.

  We make our way to town and arrive at Trent’s on the West Side. Dylan hops out and grabs his cooler from the trunk. I check my makeup in the visor mirror and get out as well. Dylan grabs my hand and gives me a look like he’s up to something.

  “D, what are you up to?” I say with my hands on my hips.

  “Nothing, I just want us to have a good time tonight.”

  “You know we will,” I say with a smile. Dylan walks beside me, and I lace my fingers into his as we walk into Trent’s.

  Since I’ve been with Dylan, I’ve experienced a lot of drinking and partying, as well as first, second, and third base. He wants a homerun, but I’m just not ready for that. I want to make sure the person is the one. I want my own fairytale, and before I take a relationship to that level, I want to know it’s forever.

  The first thing I notice when we enter the house is there is more than the usual crowd here. I see a ton of people that are older than me, but it is summer and most people haven’t gone back to college at this point. Dylan takes me into the kitchen and places our cooler in the corner. I grab a Fatty Natty and take a swig. Yuck! Dylan keeps me close to him as we head over to talk to Trent. I don’t necessarily enjoy these parties, hence the beer, but Dylan is expected to be here. He is Mr. Popular at Dixon High, and like a magnet, all the girls and teachers fall at his feet. It amazes me how a guy can just walk into the room and have all the girls swarm to him. What makes me smile is that fact that I know I’m the one he loves and treasures.

  I feel happy inside knowing I have the hottest guy at school who likes me for me. We share the same dream, and if all goes as planned, that dream will come true. We hope to go Division I in swimming after we graduate in May. For me, the drawback to our dream is Dylan’s possessiveness. He likes me to be at his beck and call. He doesn’t want me to hang out with Cash or my other friends like I used to.

  This party is a lot more tolerable than the others I have had the chance to attend. The music is a great variety, not too loud, people aren’t too drunk, and I’ve had a few beers, which makes everything better. All night Dylan is on me like white on rice. He can’t keep his hands off me. They are in my hair, tracing up and down my arms, neck, waist, and legs. Inside, my body is playing tug-of-war with what I know is right. I decide to give in a little, and we find our own private area on the back porch. Dylan takes a seat in the rocking chair, and I straddle him. I kiss him on his forehead and make my way down to his lips and neck. We mess around and just have fun. Knowing I don’t have parents at home lets me cut loose, but I’m still in control. Around am., it dawns on me. Joker. That damn goat!

  “Dylan, you gotta get me home. I forgot to check on Joker.”

  He rolls his eyes. “Seriously, Charley! We can’t leave now. The party is just getting started.”

  “If it was any other night, I would have had to be home already.”

  “All right, let me get the cooler and tell Trent we’re out.” Dylan understands how much responsibility I have on the farm, so he knows he won’t win this battle.

  “I’m gonna run to the bathroom. Hold my beer. I’ll be right back.”

  I hurry back to Dylan, pound my beer and head out the door. About halfway home, I start to feel like I’m not in my own body. I know the car is moving, but it’s like a total out-of-body experience. I begin to feel like I’m going to puke, but I know I haven’t drunk enough to be that drunk.

  “Dylan, I don’t feel so good.”

  “You want me to stop and get you something to eat?”

  “Yeah, that might help.”

  I try to eat my burger, but for some reason, I can’t seem to find my mouth. Before I know it, we are pulling onto my dirt road and approaching my house. Dylan looks at me with a strange expression that makes my insides quiver. He takes the burger from me and discards it in the bag. His eyes now look raw and hungry. What is wrong with him? I try to open the door, but I can’t seem to find the handle. Dylan walks around the car to open my door for me. When he realizes I’m not able to move, he carries me from the car, unlocks the door and takes me upstairs to my bed.

  He removes my wedges and helps me lie down on the bed. I’m so glad that he’s taking care of me. My eyes are extremely heavy. I try to keep them open, but struggle. Before I can put everything together, Dylan is on top of me, kissing me hard. Too hard. He continues to kiss me like I’m property as he takes off my jeans. I try to push his body off mine, but I can’t. What the hell is he trying to pull? Everything is starting to get fuzzy, but I manage to say the most important words I can to make him stop.

  “Dylan, what the fuck are you doin’? Stop! I said STOP!” I continue to try to push him off me, but it’s no use. He continues to take full control of me.

  “Shhhhhh. Please don’t make this harder than it has to be. I’ve been patient, but I’m tired of it. We can do this one of two ways, willing or unwilling,” he snarls.

  “I said get the fuck off me!” I scream while I dig my nails into his arm.

  “That’s not going to help,” he says with a devilish smile.

  In my heart I know I don’t stand a chance. He’s strong and overpowering. I cry and scream, but it is no use. There is no one at home and there are acres upon acres separating my farm from another person. He is in full control. Once he finishes, he kisses me gently and leaves. I want to throw up; instead, I curl into a ball as the tears begin to fall. I’m home alone, and a night I thought was going to be special, has turned into the biggest nightmare of my life. I decide that I have to be strong. I force myse
lf to stop crying. I really need a shower, and I still have to check on the damn goat. I try to move, but I can’t. What am I going to do? What the hell did he do to me at that party? I notice my phone is on my nightstand. If I can grab it, I can text Cash.

  Me: $ wiiill u ck on Jker? (Will you check on

  Joker?)

  Cash: R u drunk?

  Me: no, pplease (No, please)

  Cash: U sure ur ok?

  Me: Yup

  Cash: k

  I try to force myself up, but I can’t. It’s like I’m dead weight. My body feels dirty, violated, and I have to wash him off me. As I’m trying to figure out how to move, I hear the front door close. Oh God, no. Please don’t let it be Dylan. I start praying to God.

  Lord, PLEASE protect me. Keep me safe and forgive him. Amen

  “Charley!” Then there is a pause. “Char!” I hear Cash calling. Oh shit, he’s going to have a come apart! What am I going to do? I look around the room to grab my clothes, but it’s no use.

  I can hear him coming up the stairs. He knocks on my door as he walks in. That is a habit for us, along with no secrets.

  “Char, Joker’s fine. Whoa! What the fuck happened here?” His eyes roam the scene in front of him, taking in my ruffled bedspread and the position I’m lying in.

  I swallow hard trying to get the words to come out, but it’s not working. Single tears begin to stream down my face.

  “I want the whole truth, and if that asshole did this, I’m going to make him pay,” Cash growls. He is full of both rage and concern at the same time.

  He stands there with his eyes wide open, and I can tell he is ready to go ape shit on someone. Someone named Dylan.

  “Cash, please. I don’t know what happened. I was fine one minute and the next I was past drunk.”

  “Did he hurt you?” he asks as he approaches my bed.

  All I can do is shake my head yes as the tears begin to fall faster. He sits on my bed and pulls me into his side. I know that Cash is ready to leave me and kill Dylan. I have to do something.

  “Please, Cash, don’t do anything. I’m begging you. I told him no, but he didn’t care. I just need you to help me, Cash! I can’t move, and I have got to get what’s left of him off me. You have to help me!”

  I can see the struggle in Cash’s eyes. “You know I want to walk down those stairs, out of the house, find him and rip his balls off? You better be glad I love you so much.”

  Cash carries me to the bathroom and sits me on the toilet while he turns on the water and cleans me from head to toe. You would think that I wouldn’t be able to have another guy touch me, but it’s different with Cash. He knows me, and I have trusted him since I was four years old.

  When I’m clean, he helps me out of the tub and wraps me in a towel. He dresses me in my favorite pajamas, brushes my hair and carries me to my room. As he places me on the vanity chair, tears begin to fall again.

  “I can’t sleep here, Cash. Not after that. Please, take me to the club.”

  The club was our place. When we were five, our dads built us a clubhouse. It was made of wood and tin. It had a window overlooking the pond we fished. We practically lived there. As we got older, we made it more of a hangout with all the modern technologies, a futon, fridge, and electricity. Now, we use it to escape the cards we are dealt in life.

  “You got it.”

  He scoops me into his perfectly chiseled arms built from working endless days on the farm and places me in the cab of his truck. He drives to the back of the field. Cash carries me up the ladder, turns on the lantern, lays me on the couch and wraps me in his arms. I feel safe and loved as my world is falling down around me.

  From that day forward I kept everyone but Cash at bay. I put up a front like the Great Wall of China by continuing to hang out with my friends and acting normal, but I wasn’t. Inside I was crumbling into pieces. I never spoke to Dylan again. In fact, I distanced myself the only way possible. I quit the team, buried my secret and held on to Cash like he was my lifeline.

  ****************

  Christmas Break 2012

  “Seriously, Char! I just don’t know what to do with you anymore. Can’t you just get over that douche bag?”

  “Cash, I’m sorry. I’ve tried. He hurt me, yes, but I just don’t know how to move on from everything that happened.”

  “Hurt you is an understatement! He took total advantage of you and left you there alone. If you hadn’t sent me to check on that damn goat, who knows what would have happened to you?”

  We sit in complete silence for what feels like days. Finally, I decide to speak as my eyes begin to fill with tears.

  “Cash, you have been my best friend since we could walk. You know everything about me. I love you more than life itself, but I know that I can’t love you the way you need to be loved. I have too much baggage.”

  “Char, we’ve been friends. Hell, we’ve been more than friends since all that shit went down. I’ve loved you my entire life, and now you want to tell me that you think he deserves you again? That’s complete bullshit, and you know it!”

  “I’m not saying that he deserves me. I’m saying no one deserves me. I’m damaged. Leftovers. It’s not fair to you or anyone else. Who wants what someone has already had and destroyed?” I am totally full of shit. I have more love in my heart for Cash than I ever thought was possible, but I can’t keep pulling him down with me. I have to let him go. It’s only fair.

  Cash props his fishing rod against the wall and moves closer to me. He places his hand on my shoulder and turns me to face him. “Char, I do. You make me whole. From the first time I looked at you, I knew you were special. You have the most giving and caring heart I have ever seen. You take life by the horns and go with it. You aren’t afraid to make a mistake, but yet this is something I can’t let you do. You are what makes my heart beat. I love you. No matter what you say, I will always love you, and I won’t let you go. I will fight for you. Now, tomorrow, and forever. Whether you like it or not, you are my Char-coal and I’m your Cash Money. We’re destined for each other; I just know it!”

  I pull myself from Cash’s gaze and hands.

  “Please, Cash. Don’t do this. I’m through. I need to finish this school year on my own. I’ve got to figure out who I am without a guy in my life. Even if that means letting go of the one person that understands me completely. I have to do this by myself. Please tell me you understand.”

  I wait for Cash to answer as the wind blows through the trees. It reminds me of a thief in the night. Just like Dylan stole the most precious gift I ever owned. I’m pulled from my thoughts when Cash finally speaks.

  “I’m sorry, but I don’t.”

  Without wasting another second, I reel in my fishing rod from the window. (Yes, it’s December; we won’t catch any fish, but it’s what we do.) I hang my rod in the corner, climb down the ladder and take off on my hot pink four-wheeler before he can respond. He knows I like my distance. He knows not to push me, and he doesn’t. He doesn’t speak or look at me. The only time I see Cash is from a distance on their family farm or when my dad needs his help with something. Other than that, he acts like I’m invisible, which is exactly what I want, but not what I need.

  Chapter 1: Graduation Day- June 2013

  I can't believe that high school is over. Who knew that time would go by so quickly, and now I'm standing here acting like a little baby! “Charley, you better pull yourself together,” I say as I look into the mirror. It's time to do the damn thing and graduate!

  I take one final look at myself in the mirror. My hair is blonde and freshly rolled with hot rollers. I have the kind of hair that girls dream of! You know, the kind that you put rollers in and it stays for days without a gallon of product. I have on a Forever 21 black A-line sleeveless floral lace dress that shows just enough leg, the pearl earrings and necklace set my dad gave me, and a pair of Nine West stiletto heels that I got at my favorite store of all time, The Jesus Store. I paid fifteen dollars for them, and th
ey are like brand spankin' new! They aren’t my typical Ariats, but I know they won’t fly today.

  I grab my cap and gown and can hear all my family downstairs; they are so excited. If you asked me a month ago how I felt about graduating from high school, I would have said, “I can't wait!” It's not like Lenior Rhyne College isn't five miles from my house, so what's going to change? I guess I better snap out of it and head to graduation.

  I walk downstairs in the old white farmhouse that I've grown up in my entire life. What started off small has now turned into a pretty big place. It was transformed from a two bedroom, one bath house to five bedrooms, three baths, sunroom, man cave and pool. I guess it pays to have a dad who can do anything. I go downstairs to see my sis, Tessa, waiting for me.

  "Charley, why is it that you never have to work hard on your looks?"

  "Whatever, you know you're the one that got all those in this family." She gives me a hug and says she'll see me at school in a little while.

  As I walk down the hallway, I notice my baby pictures. I sure do hope I make my parents proud. I walk into the kitchen and tell Mama, Dad, and my cousin Joanna that I'll see them there, and out the screen door I go. Joanna informs me she has too much cooking to do, so she will just stay at home.

  Once I get into my 2009 Red Honda Accord, I put on my ten dollar shades and turn up the radio to 96.9 The Kat. Thanking the good man upstairs that a little Florida Georgia Line “Cruise” is on! YES! I crank it up with the windows down and sunroof open.

  Today is a perfect day to graduate. The sky is the perfect color, Carolina blue. There's not one cloud in sight, and I'm about to start a new journey. The next thing I know, I'm pulling into Dixon High School. I see my girls already starting to arrive and hanging by the tree on the front lawn. I don't know how I would have made it through the past year and a half without them. They know all my secrets and were there when I needed them most.