Indulge

by Liv Morris

  They let it slide for a little bit, but Whitney wasn’t having it this time. She planned this trip and chose all things she knew the old me would love. That girl is damn well determined to bring some joy and happiness back to my life, and she refuses to miss a minute of it. My therapist, Dr. Powell, agrees and is pushing me to start rebuilding my social life. I’m young, only twenty-nine, but I suppose I’m acting more like an old maid. I just can’t bear the idea of moving on. This wasn’t ever the plan. I was supposed to live happily ever after.

  “WHAT—IN—THE—HELL—Is this I’m hearing from Kate that you’re thinking about bagging out of the beach trip with us this weekend?” Whit yells, as she barges into my house and starts stomping her pretty little shoes, that likely cost more than half my wardrobe combined across my tile floor.

  “Whit, Listen...” I try, but she points her finger at me and plasters that ‘I mean business face’ on.

  “NO! Listen nothing! I have NO MORE listening tolerance. No desire at all to hear all the reasons why you can’t go. JUST. SHUT. UP. Get your ass up out of that chair and into the shower before I drag your stubborn ass out of here with that greasy, just worked-out hair, and sweaty clothes. People are waiting on YOU. We have a great day planned at the resort. Move your ass, sister! Where are your bags?”

  Oh no…Crap! Why did Kate call her? We could’ve talked this through without Whit here forcing my hand. Kate knows I won’t bail on Whit face to face. Ahhh…That’s exactly why she called her.

  “Umm…I haven’t packed yet. I was just...”

  “Alexis, get in the shower,” she yells, then continues without missing a step on her way to find a suitcase. “Kate is on the way. She and I will handle packing for you, and I’m sure for Sierra, too. I’ll never understand why you are choosing to hide your head in the sand. This is not you, Alexis. Go get showered and dressed.”

  Sometimes, when you know you cannot win, you just have to shut your mouth and do as you’re told. This is one of those times. I’ll never be able to reason with these women. I’m going on this trip whether I want to or not.

  “Alexis, Whitney, where are you guys?” Kate calls from the foyer, arriving to double team me into agreement. Whitney tugs me out of my cozy chair and into the house toward the family room where Kate meets us. Jed designed our home after I accepted his proposal six years ago and we started construction almost immediately. Our house is not small, but by no means is it a mini mansion. He designed it so that we could have three kids max and live comfortably. For just Sierra and me, this house is way too big. I can’t imagine anyone else living here, though. He designed this for us.

  “We’re coming. Traitor!” I quip. They both laugh at my scowl, as I’m dragged up the stairs to the master suite. They shove me toward the bathroom with very stern looks. Whitney asks Kate to get out my overnight bag, explaining that I haven’t begun to pack for myself or Sierra. As if I thought that was going to be the deal breaker for those two. No chance. That was just a small obstacle to get me out the door. I’m sunk!

  Chapter 2

  We walk into the most beautiful two-bedroom suite overlooking the ocean on St. Petersburg Beach, near Tampa. The view is breathtaking. I immediately take a deep breath and scan the room for our friends. The resort is close enough to home that I don’t feel disconnected from Sierra, which is good, but far enough that it feels like I’m away from the realities of the world. I’ll certainly sleep better knowing I’m close enough. Cami and Kelsey are supposed to be here, but it’s very quiet when we enter. I’m feeling a little anxious and will be much more settled when we get this weekend started.

  The resort is gorgeous. It’s a historic hotel that has been impeccably rebuilt and maintained. It has everything we’ll need, or want, over the next few days. I love the ocean. It’s so peaceful. The beach has always been my place of respite. And since my best friends knew that the location was key to me joining them, they chose this place. The resort is only an hour away from our home outside of Tampa.

  “Yay, you’re finally here!” Cami calls from the balcony. “I’m so happy to see you. It’s hasn’t been the same without you on these trips,” she says, jumping up from the chaise lounge she’s sitting on. She looks so pretty in her long maxi dress with the chevron print that’s so popular now days. I have no idea how she has time to put cute outfits together with four busy kids.

  “Thanks, Cami, I’m glad I’m here, too!” I say, hugging her. Whitney smirks and snorts behind me, eyeing me with sarcasm. “Whit, I am really happy to be here. I’m sorry I made this morning hard for you.” Cami glares at Whit, issuing a silent warning for her to drop it and not start our weekend with an argument.

  I do feel really bad for always putting Whitney in a position where she always has to push me to do anything different than what I’m accustomed to. “All right, girlies, we’re all here now. It doesn’t really matter what it took to get us here. Let’s just be glad we’re here now.” She says, trying to keep the peace. Cami’s role is caretaker and peacemaker. She goes out of her way to make sure everyone is comfortable. She’s helped me adjust to parenting on my own, and telling Sierra the really tough stuff. I look up to her.

  Kate and Cami have been incredible role models for me. They’re both tremendous assets, since my upbringing didn’t provide anything to be mimicked in the way of parenting. Well, I could have mimicked my mother’s life, but would have likely ended up behind bars or cracked out on someone’s couch somewhere - leaving Sierra God knows where.

  I survived my childhood because of Jason and other assorted family members or friends that let us move in when my mother decided partying was a more suitable lifestyle than being a mom. They forced our mother to handle the basic needs we couldn’t provide for ourselves for as long as I can remember. The squeaky wheel gets the oil, Jason would say, even though, he is only four years older than me. I have no idea where he learned it, but he made use of it to his satisfaction.

  To this day, I rarely have to deal with our mother. Our father is long gone. I’m really not sure if he is still walking this planet. Jason doesn’t allow our mother to come around at all, but he does still keep in contact with her. I know he hopes that one day she’ll be better and can be part of our lives. I have long since lost any hope that she’ll ever be someone I want a relationship with. Even if she’s well, our relationship is too damaged for me to trust her. She calls him mainly when she’s in trouble, but never me. He keeps her at bay.

  “Where’s Kelsey?” Whitney asks, thankfully breaking my thoughts before I start rehashing all the crap that’s better left in the past. I really need to get to a place where everything doesn’t remind me of the rocky foundation my crumbled world rest on.

  “She’s downstairs making appointments for massages on the beach,” Cami says with a hint of sarcasm and a wink of the eye.

  “Couldn’t she have done that by phone?” I ask.

  “Yeah, but she wanted to scope out the hottest massage therapists. This is Kelsey we’re talking about, ladies.”

  We’re all belly laughing when the door to the suite opens and Kelsey walks in with a room service waiter pushing a cart full of sandwich trays, fruit, sparkling waters, and two pitchers of peach Sangria. Oh happy day…liquid courage.

  “Hey, Alexis and Whit. Glad you guys finally made it!” She says as she walks over hugging us both and doing a little dance. “This is going to be such a fun weekend. I can feel it!” She smiles. “I thought we could eat in the room before getting ready for the beach. Let’s hurry up! I’m so ready to get this weekend started,” Kelsey excitedly proclaims as she kisses both my cheeks and rushes over to sign the waiter’s bill. He slips out of the room, leaving us to our catching up.

  We all eat and visit a bit about our current happenings, but it’s a light hearted, totally mindless conversation as we consume the tasty grouper sandwiches with sweet potato chips. I sip the Sangria, which is delightful, and just what I needed to relax into this weekend. Kelsey looks over at me and win
ks. She knew I would need this drink to loosen me up. I love that girl!

  We all retreat to our bedrooms without any conversation about who’s rooming with whom. I always room with Whit, and Kelsey and Cami room together. This is exactly the way we roomed all those years ago in the sorority house. It’s nice that we never have to think about it. We all go to our corners to unpack our luggage and get ready for the beach.

  I choose my simple strapless navy tankini and nautical blue and white cover-up. After I tie my long brown hair back in a low ponytail, I plop my favorite floppy hat on my head. I swipe some sheer lip moisturizer across my lips and apply a little waterproof mascara. I grab my canvas pool bag with sunscreen, the latest People magazine, my Kindle, and phone and I’m ready to go.

  Kelsey has reserved a beach hut, so we don’t have to search for chairs or rent beach umbrellas. The beach hut has a private butler. Leave it to Kelsey to set up the VIP service everywhere we go. It’s a wooden platform with a pergola built around and sheer draperies provide just a hint of shade. It definitely provides a nice ambiance. We’re all situated and enjoying the sunshine with mojitos in hand. Whitney’s iPod is playing her beach themed playlist. I’m truly relaxed, more than I have been in months, sitting, reading, and hanging out with friends. The ocean is refreshing, unlike how it will be in a few weeks. I hate it when the temperature rises and the water starts to resemble bath water temperatures.

  Who knew this is what I needed? Apparently Whit, hence, why she basically carried me out of the house this morning. I’m so grateful she did, though, I’ll likely never admit it. She, like Jason, has a compulsive need to jump in and take over my life when they feel like I can’t handle it on my own. They perceive me to be much weaker than I actually am. It’s been an ongoing battle over the years, but I love them both so much that most of the time I just suck it up, which says a lot, since I’m not much of a sucker-upper.

  “Kelsey, what’s going on with you and the baseball player? It looked serious the last time I saw you guys together. I was a little surprised to see you looking at him so endearingly,” Cami asks, but everyone is looking at me out of the corner of their eyes, trying to gage my reaction to the conversation.

  I really don’t want my best friends walking on eggshells, so to lighten the mood I respond quickly, making sure my smile reaches my eyes, so they know I really am okay. “Wow, Kels, I haven’t heard a word about you dating a baseball player. Why are you holding out on me? Please tell me he’s not a Ray’s player. You know the only team worth a damn is the Red Sox! How’s his ass?” I ramble, trying to come across teasingly.

  My friends all visibly relax. Whitney lets out a breath she clearly didn’t realize she was holding. They laugh, and Kelsey spends the next hour telling us everything about this new guy. He is indeed a Ray’s player, which I figured. It’s still the very early stages of their relationship, but they’re having fun and it’s taking her mind off her loser ex-husband. Her ex was the biggest ASS. We all hated him. I personally threatened his life on several occasions for the way he talked to Kelsey. She needs some joy in her life, and if this guy is what’s making her smile, I’ll support that relationship with all that I can.

  I don’t want any of my friends to experience the emotional angst that seems to have followed me through this life, starting with my childhood and my insanely irresponsible parents.

  Everything was better after I left home for good to go to college. Jason was a senior when I entered college. He’s always been my best friend and I knew I’d always be safe when he was close by. It wasn’t that I wasn’t safe without him. By the time he left home for college, I was capable of taking care of myself when my mother ran off with whoever was occupying her time, and Jason was always close enough by that he could be there in fifteen minutes if I really needed him.

  During college, I lived in the dorm, but Jason and Jed’s apartment was close. They spent a lot of time on campus anyway. That’s how I met Jed. He and Jason were best friends and roommates. Jed and I immediately became close friends. Our relationship kind of developed because we were always hanging out together. It wasn’t ever an instant, head-over-heels attraction. I grew to love Jed very much, and like Jason, he took care of me even when I didn’t want him or need him to. But he made me feel secure and I was desperate for that in my life. Our life together was perfectly…imperfect.

  If I’m honest with myself, there were many days and nights that I felt lonely and unconnected to Jed, even when he was in the same room. Sometimes because he was so focused on his career ambitions and other times because we struggled to connect intimately and physically. We were best friends, deeply supportive and protective of one another, but the physical part of our marriage never came easily. We had sex very sporadically, usually scheduled or requested to fulfill a need in each of us. Once it was over, we were back to best friends with occasional benefits.

  We were masters at every other aspect of our marriage and life together. We were happy enough. There was never a day that I didn’t feel safe and provided for, and for a girl like me with a rocky start in life, that meant a lot. I loved Jed so much for the way he cared for me that I was willing to take him in whatever capacity he was willing to give. The fact that Jason approved and supported our relationship was key. Jason trusted Jed and knew he would be loyal and take care me. So at the end of the day, what Jed offered was enough for me.

  I trusted Jason’s judgment, so when he gave Jed his blessing to marry me, that told me that I was making a good decision in saying yes…I did, and I mostly never regretted it. Jed provided an amazing life for me from the beginning and soon after for Sierra, when she finally made her surprise entrance into the world. Even after his death, he made sure all his bases were covered in the event of his demise. That made me a little mad, I must say. I know it’s the responsible thing to do, but to put so much thought into life going on without him seems crazy. And the fact is he was right…it does go on.

  Sierra and I will never have to worry about losing our home, me having to work to pay the bills, pay for college, or frankly anything else. We’re all set financially, but emotionally we’re a disaster! Well, I should say I’m a disaster. Sierra is great and strong. I think she would like to have a man in our life to do the things daddy’s do. She used to ask if we could go to the store and pick out a new daddy. Strangers would sigh and say how cute it was without knowing the real situation, but to me, it was just another knife in the heart. Now, she asks about it less and less. I try to be both, and when I can’t, I have my brother, Kate, and great friends to help fill Jed’s shoes. Let me tell you, we can pack the house at a dance recital. She may not have her daddy, but she still has a ton of people who love her. That has to count for something!

  We spent a couple more hours on the beach, catching up on life. Cami tells us all about the kids and all their extracurricular activities and achievements. She really is supermom! “Overachiever,” I say sarcastically. She’s beaming with a huge smile on her face. She’s so proud of her family.

  We go upstairs to freshen up before dinner at the resort restaurant. As Whitney and I are walking towards the elevators, we overhear a group of college girls excitedly discussing some hot country artist who is staying in the resort. Whitney and I are laughing at their insane plots to bed that poor, unsuspecting man. Though, he likely isn’t so unsuspecting. He would probably be thrilled to take any of these ladies into the bedroom! They’re all very nice looking and have paid careful attention to how they look.

  “Was there ever a time in my life that plotting to take some rock star to bed was appealing?” I ask Whitney.

  “Please, like you would have had to plot. Garrett McKenna would have done a lot more than just take you to bed, back in the day. That boy was as obsessed as they come,” she says, laughing at me!

  Garrett McKenna was an amazingly talented musician we went to college with. We were all good friends, and although I had a major crush on him, we never really made it past the friend stage. I never, ever
saw him with the same girl twice the whole year we hung out. “Whatever, who didn’t think Garrett was the hottest thing on two legs? That boy was never going to be the settle down type and I’m pretty sure that hasn’t changed, from what the gossip magazines say. Don’t pretend we had something we didn’t. You know he just liked to hang out and sing with me.”

  We’re both giggling like school-girls and reminiscing as we walk down the hall to our suite. I feel normal for the first time in months. I’m so happy that I’m stepping out of my comfort zone and doing something for myself. Just when I think I’ll never get back to normal again, I see a glimmer of the old Alexis peek through the darkness. But I’m careful not to be too hopeful that the darkness is ceasing. I can’t set myself up to fail.

  We make it back to the room and scurry off to the showers. “Thank God for two bathrooms. Four girls and one bathroom would have been a nightmare!” I say after Whitney gets out of the shower twenty-five minutes later. She’s always been a bathroom hog. I guess that’s why we made perfect roomies. I’m completely dressed and showered in the time it takes her to wash her hair!

  I’m wearing a white eyelet, sleeveless cotton dress with brown sandals, and my hair is braided over my shoulder. It’s a comfortable beach outfit for dinner, and then later, since I’m pretty sure we’ll end in a local bar. I’m also hoping to escape these ladies at some point and have a bit of quiet time on the beach. We’ll have to see. Before leaving for dinner I grab my cell and head out to the balcony to call my baby girl. I’m sure Kate is feeding the kids before getting them ready for bed, but I need to hear her voice and sing her special bedtime song. I dial the number.

  “Hey, sis, how’s the beach?” Jason answers on the first ring.

  “It’s great, warm and sunny. Believe it or not, I think this may be just what the doctor ordered. I’m really relaxed, and it’s nice to catch up with the girls. How’s my little mini-me? I miss her like crazy!” I whine a little at the last sentence.