Indulge

by Liv Morris

  This is my last night here. We’re packing up after brunch tomorrow and heading back home. It’s bittersweet. I can’t wait to get my hands on my little munchkin, but it’s been so nice reconnecting with Garrett, too. I’m not really ready to say goodbye for God knows how long.

  I want to ask Garrett to keep in touch with me, but I don’t want him to feel the pressure of one more person wanting something from him, even if it is only a phone call or text every once in a while.

  We perform the song. They’re all very pleased to hear Garrett sing, and they thank us, telling us how much they liked it as we work our way through the room to a table in the back. I suspect Garrett chose this table for a quick escape. I’m learning he doesn’t really like crowds, which is funny since he performs at venues with tens of thousands of people all the time.

  The rest of the evening passes with us eating, drinking, and sometimes dancing. Garrett likes to slow dance. He’s not much for breaking it down with anything fast. That’s okay. I like dancing to the slower songs, with him holding me tight in his arms. I’m dying to lean up and kiss his face, but I know that’s not appropriate since there are so many eyes on us constantly. It’s been a long time since anyone has held me, dancing. Jed didn’t like to dance. He actually didn’t really like to listen to music, unless he was in the car. He preferred television, movies, and video games. I wasn’t much for that type of noise.

  That’s one thing that has changed drastically in our house since Jed passed away. Now it’s always filled with all kinds of music. Sierra loves to sing and dance with me. She still watches her favorite shows, but mostly we like to listen to music and read.

  The night is coming to an end. The girls don’t really expect me back early. I thought they might be upset with me for ditching them to hang out with Garrett all day, but they weren’t. They were happy to see me doing ‘something out of the ordinary’, as Whit says. I guess this is yet one more glimmer of my real self coming back to life. It’s just something else to be grateful to Garrett for giving me.

  It was really great singing with him again. I’m not really a fan of performing publicly, but it was worth it to be on stage with Garrett. I love singing, but I would never want it to be my life. I want a family life. Even after losing Jed and my happy ever after, I still see myself with more kids someday, and a husband who thinks the sun and moon rises and sets behind me. That dream is still there living vividly inside me. I know it sounds as farfetched as, ’I wear Cinderella’s slippers, have no wicked step-sisters, live in a big castle with prince charming, and we all live happily ever after.’ I need to lower my expectations on what my new life will really look like. Otherwise, I’ll be setting myself up for failure, and likely heartbreak, at my unachievable dreams.

  We say our goodbyes to Garrett’s family and friends, leaving the party behind a bit earlier than I expected. I walk a couple steps ahead of Garret toward the elevators.

  “Alexis, can we go sit on the beach for a little while? I really want to spend these last few minutes of our night alone with you.” Alone, yes, I want more time alone with Garrett.

  “I’m only too happy to oblige, Mr. McKenna,” I say, highlighting my good southern girl drawl. “Thank you, sir,” I say with a curtsy.

  “Why are you thanking me, sweetheart?” he asks, sweeping me in the opposite direction, toward the beach. I love it when he calls me sweetheart. I’ve never had a pet name like that. Jed always called me Alexis, or sometimes honey, but not very often.

  “I guess I wasn’t really ready for the night to end. I was thanking you for reading my mind again, Mr. McKenna. You seem to be able to do that often.”

  We walk out to the beach and sit on one of the double beach loungers overlooking the ocean. We’re back to the comfortable silence for a bit before I hear Garrett clear his throat. “Lex, I need to tell you something.”

  I look over at him, mentally preparing myself to hear all the excuses as to why he can’t keep in touch with me, but instead he says, “Sweetheart, seeing you these past two days has been the best thing to happen to me in a long, long time. Now that we’ve reconnected, I’m not sure I can let you walk out of my life. I really need to know in what capacity you have space for me in your life. I’ll take whatever you have to offer, darling. If I can text or call every once in a while, that’s great, but really I want to see you. I want to visit you and you visit me. I want to hear your voice on the phone when I’m on the road, and I really want to meet that beautiful little angel of yours. But I’m at your mercy. Tell me what role I can have in your life.”

  I feel excitement welling in my stomach. This weekend has been magical, but I’m a bit unsure of how it will translate in my real life. This is vacation life. It’ll be really different when I’m home. I have responsibilities. I have Sierra, and there’s no way I’ll ever allow anything into her life that could cause any harm. She needs me, and it takes every ounce of time and energy I have to fill the role of two parents. This situation, although it’s wonderful, exciting, and fun, isn’t real. Not for me. This is a happy ending for someone else. Someone whose life is more suited to his. I feel tears burning in the back of my eyes, but I refuse to allow my fear to overpower this situation. I want to enjoy this time.

  He makes me happy with his words. No wonder he’s a famous songwriter and performer. He’s really good. I can’t believe this man has brought me to happy tears twice in the same day. “Garrett, I’m so glad you said that. I don’t want to lose contact with you either. You’re a very important friend. I have missed you terribly, but I need you to know my life is complicated. With that being said, please visit me…and Sierra. If we can ever make it work, we would love to visit you. She loves horses and would love to visit your ranch in Nashville.” Then in my effort to keep things fun, I slug him more gently in the stomach this time, since I hurt my hand on his bicep this morning, and say, “I did tell you this morning I would sing to you about caterpillars and butterflies if you needed me to.”

  I’m laughing even though a few happy tears that have escaped my eyes. He’s smiling when he pulls me onto his lap to hug me and hold me close. We sit looking at the ocean with my back leaning into him and his chin resting on the top of my head. I’m listening to his breath, feeling the strength of his heartbeat on my back. It’s comfortable, making me want so much more. Even though, we’re so close, it’s not enough. It’s dark out here, and the beach is thankfully empty, because before I even realize what I’ve done, I’m turned around grabbing his face and pulling his lips back to mine, desperate to taste him.

  Chapter 7

  Thankfully, she’s the aggressor this time. I wouldn’t have been able to hold off much longer. My heart rate is through the roof, well, it would be if we were under a roof, having her in my lap, with her perfect little ass pressing into my crotch. My cock is hurting from being lodged so tightly in these dress pants.

  She’s straddling my legs, doing powerful things to my tongue that strongly resemble what I want her to do to my cock. But I can’t go there. Not with Lex. She’s not that type of girl. I wouldn’t want her to be. I’m going to have to reign this shit in right quick, before we do something I know I wouldn’t regret, but I’m not sure she wouldn’t.

  “Lex, baby, you feel amazing, and stopping you is going to kill me, but…babe, I don’t think you really want to do this now…here…we should….” I’m trying so hard to say ‘stop’, but I just can’t do it. I grab her perfect little ass and pull her down hard against my lap. Even through my pants I feel the warmth pooling between her legs and I can imagine what she would feel like. “Sweetheart…we need to go right now.”

  I pull her up off the lounger and kiss her senseless, before putting my arm around her shoulder and bringing her to somewhere private. I want to get her back to my room. I can’t risk letting pictures like this be taken. Not with her, not here.

  When we get to the elevator, her face is pale, her cheeks are still flushed, and her perfect lips look swollen. I rub my finger around
them. “Lex, do you want to go to my room? Do you need more time before going to your room?”

  She shakes her head looking me, alarmed. “No, my room. Please, Garrett. I need to go,” She says frantically, so I push the button for her floor.

  “Lex, I didn’t stop that for my benefit, sweetheart. You know that, right? I didn’t want anything to happen that you’d regret, especially not in public where people like to take photos of me. Babe, I want you…in any way that you want me. That’s what you need to know,” pleading that she doesn’t view what I did as me rejecting her. I’m not…I couldn’t…I don’t want to stop, but I need Alexis to tell me she wants to continue!

  “I know, Garrett, but this is wrong. I don’t understand these feelings, but I just lost my husband and I have a little girl, who needs my undivided attention. I can’t do this. Not now. I need a minute.” She steps back, putting more space between us, and as soon as the elevator doors open, she bolts down the hall.

  “Alexis, wait. Please. Give me a chance. I need to tell you...” She stops, looking looks at me with scared eyes halting my words.

  “No, Garrett, this is about me. You’re phenomenal, amazing, and so full of love, life, and passion. I’m sorry, I let this go too far. Please, just be my friend. That’s all I can do right now,” she says. I reach for her, but she shakes her head. “Sorry, not now. I’ll…I’ll talk to you soon,” she says.

  What the hell does soon mean? Tonight? Tomorrow? Next week, month, year? What? So I stand there utterly confused and frustrated, because I damn well knew better than to let it go too far and I did it anyway. She’s hurting, and she’s walking away. I’m praying to God it won’t be for too long, because I can’t stay away now that I’ve found her after all this time. She’s like a magnet drawing me closer and closer. I can’t muster enough strength to not go to her, but I have to, for her sake. I’ll step back and give her the minute she asked for. I’m quickly learning that I hate her long ass minutes.

  I watch her walk away from me into her room. I hate this ending. It wasn’t my intention, when I saw her in that bar yesterday, for this to happen. I mean, yeah, I’m no idiot, I wanted her, but I wanted it to happen the right way. I didn’t expect to nose dive off a damn cliff and become head over heels into her again. I’m such a stupid ass. Of course that would happen. I never really got over her and what she meant to me then. How could I expect to feel differently now?

  I take the stairs to my room. Damn! This day started so perfectly. How did it fall apart so quickly? Was it because I said we needed to get indoors? Did she take it the wrong way? Is it just too soon? Am I not the right man? I think that’s it. I’m not a dad. I don’t know the first thing about kids. I’m not even a real man. I don’t do anything for myself. I travel the country performing, and when I’m not doing that I’m writing and sitting around a studio. I don’t have a typical 9 to 5 job where I’m home for dinner. I’m not sure my life could ever be that simple.

  SHIT! Why did this happen? Why now? Why her?

  I lay in my room staring at my cell phone waiting…willing…pleading for answers, or any indication from her that she’s okay. I get nothing. No answers, no messages or texts, no sleep, no feeling better, nothing!

  Chapter 8

  We left the resort after breakfast the next morning. I was quite ready to get on the road with Whit and get home to my baby girl. I said goodbye to Cami and Kelsey. We agreed to have dinner together in the next couple weeks. Whit knew, as soon as I walked into our room last night, that something went down with Garrett. I completely lost it when I finally got out of my clothes.

  I wanted every second with Garrett. I didn’t want to stop what was happening on the beach. I would’ve kept going if not for him stopping us. He has this amazing power to jolt my system back to life and make me feel like myself again. But I’m not just me. I’m Alexis Phillips, whose husband died and is now a single mother to a four year old little girl. I have to stay focused in order to keep my life from becoming derailed by these lust driven needs. I don’t have time for those kinds of needs.

  I hate that I hurt him. I could see the hurt in his eyes when I walked away. It was torture not to run back to him, climb into his arms, and let him make me forget. I wanted to forget it all, until I remembered who I am and the responsibilities I have, and that’s when the guilt engulfed me.

  Garrett met us in the lobby before we left this morning to say goodbye. He seemed to be having a hard time. He stared at me with a weird look on his face. Last night must have been a doozy for him, too. I’m not the type of girl he’s usually seen with. I’m sure he realizes the mistake. He looked very stressed and anxious. I know I’ve caused this situation. I’m a bit worried about him, but I also know there’s no way to fix it.

  On the drive home Whitney was very quiet at first, but that didn’t last long. “Alexis, you’re twenty-nine years old. Your life doesn’t have to be over because your husband died. You’re young, sweetie. No one will fault you for living a fulfilling life. Garrett’s a great guy. He obviously thinks you’re incredible. Can you please, for the love of God, give it a chance? Give him a chance? Do something other than nothing.”

  This was the tone for the rest of the ride home. Whitney finally drops me off at my house after round six of the ‘move on’ lecture. I’m emotionally exhausted at this point!

  I’m happy to be back home with Sierra. My house smells so nice when I walk in the door. I know Kate must have gotten there before me and started dinner. As soon as I round the corner to the kitchen I see my angel with her little apron on, sitting on the counter helping Kate roll meatballs to put in the homemade sauce.

  She squeals when she sees me, waving her nasty little hands at me to come and pick her up. “Hey, sweet girl. How was your weekend? I missed you!” I wipe her hands on a dish cloth, and then scoop her up as she wraps her little body around me.

  “I love you, Mama. We’re making you dinner.” She’s what makes me better. She’s what makes me forget.

  “Why, thank you. You guys know just how to spoil a mama who’s been away all weekend. We should probably be making dinner for Auntie.”

  She shakes her head, “No, Uncle Jason gots a baby sitter and they’re going on a special date night!”

  Kate is smiling at us. “That’s right, ladies, I got a hot date with Uncle Jason in a couple hours. I’m going to scram. Enjoy dinner, Alexis. Welcome home. Hope you had a great weekend.” She kisses us both on the cheek, and I tell her I’ll call her tomorrow. And I will because if she finds out from anyone other than me, there’ll be hell to pay. I’m sure of it.

  Sierra and I spend the rest of the day together. We walk to the park to play, we have lunch on the lawn in the backyard, we read books, and we sing. Dinner is fantastic, as always. Kate made enough for a small army. She doesn’t know how to cook for just two people. After dinner we start our night time routine. Since it’s a school night Sierra will need to be in bed at 7:30, and then we’ll read and sing until 8:00. Usually, she falls asleep while I read. I like that it relaxes her.

  My phone chimes with a text from Garrett.

  Garrett: Hi sweetheart, did you make it home ok?

  I wasn’t expecting to hear from him so soon. I wasn’t 100% sure I’d ever hear from him again.

  Me: Yes, thank you for checking on me. All good.

  Garrett: I was hoping I could call you later. You said you would sing to me every day if I wanted and I do. Does that still apply after last night? I’m sorry…again. I hope you know that.

  Why is he sorry? I’m confused. I initiated, I ran away, it was all on me. I don’t want him to ever question our friendship. We can always be friends.

  Me: I’m getting Sierra ready for bed. Do you want me to call you after she is in bed? Or you can call me after 8:00 whenever you’re not busy.

  I know his schedule is more restrictive than mine. He probably has a line of people waiting to talk to him. I can certainly wait for his call, since I’ll be reading in bed, or rehashing wha
t went down last night and trying to sort out my thoughts.

  Garrett: Sweetheart, you will never have to wait to talk to me. You call me whenever you want to, whenever you have time. I’ll always answer your call.

  He shouldn’t commit to things he can’t follow through on. That’s just crazy. I will keep my expectations low on that.

  Me: ok…will call you after 8:00? Would love to talk to you if you’re available. If not call me whenever. XO

  Garrett: I will be available. XO I like that!

  Sierra is out like a light. She’s tired from her eventful weekend. Me too. I got very little sleep hanging out with Garrett. And last night Whitney kept me up forever, telling me how I need to let this happen naturally and stop trying to control and overthink things. It was a marathon lecture that ended with me feeling worse than before it started.

  I think I’ll try and turn in early tonight. I’m not sure if I really should call Garrett tonight. He asked me to call, but I’m not sure what to say about last night. I guess I should give him a brief call, since I said I would. I won’t keep him too long. I press send next to his name. He answers on the first ring.

  “Hi, sweetheart, how was your day?” he asks. I tell him about my day. It feels familiar and comforting, having someone to tell about what Sierra and I have been up to. Jed used to call at night after Sierra went down to sleep and would want the rundown of what he missed.

  I don’t feel any of the tension in the conversation that I would have expected, and I’m grateful that we can both move past it and remain friends. “How are you? Are you back on the road? I guess, I don’t know much about your tour schedule.” I’m curious where he’ll be, and when, or if, I’ll see him again. Truthfully, I’m still craving his touch and desperately want to be close to him, although, I’ll never admit it to anyone.