Indulge

by Liv Morris

  He looks at me. “Alexis, what’s going on, sweetheart?” His eyes are pleading with me to spill my heart out, but I don’t really know where to begin. It’s been such a bad day, one of the worst I’ve had in a while.

  “I’m not really ready to talk yet, Garrett. I tried to text you, but you showed up.” He’s wounded by my words. I can see it.

  “Lex, I was really worried. I didn’t come here to force you into a conversation. I just needed to see that you’re okay. If you don’t want me here, I’ll leave, but please don’t make me stay away for too long, babe. I have to head up to Nashville tomorrow, and I’m going to miss you like crazy for those few days.”

  I feel awful pushing him away, but it needs to be done before we’re in too deep to recover. “I’m sorry, Garrett, but I don’t think I’ll be ready for a while. I’ll walk you outside so we can talk more.”

  Chapter 17

  This cannot be happening. I knew something was up with her today when she wouldn’t respond to my texts or calls. I was hoping she wasn’t ignoring me, but now I see that she was. Damn it, I’ll give her a few hours to sort this shit out, but if she thinks I’m going to be able to stay away longer than that, she’s crazy. I can’t. I won’t be able to leave town knowing things aren’t okay with her. I’m not sure what happened, but I’ll damn well get to the bottom of it today.

  “Lex, I don’t know what’s going on in that pretty little head of yours, and I’m worried I’ve done something to upset you. Shit, I’m pissed that you’re upset, period. I want you to give me a chance to fix whatever’s wrong in your world. If you’re not ready to talk¸ you need me to go, I will, but please let me say goodbye to Sierra before I do.” Her eyes are very full of unshed tears, and I can see she’s holding onto them with everything she has.

  I have no idea what’s happened today. She was quiet this morning when I left. I know she had a lot going on. I’m replaying everything in my head from last night and this morning, analyzing every detail, trying to figure out what could have gone wrong. I can’t think of anything. It’s all been great! We’ve spent lots of time together. I’m here almost every night for dinner and I sleep in her bed every night. We connect like freaking magnets physically. Damn…what the hell happened?

  “Sierra, can you please come her a second?” She calls out up the staircase. A few seconds later, I hear my sweet girl skipping along, singing one of my songs. It usually makes me feel funny hearing other people sing my music, but hearing the lyrics out of this little girl’s mouth, I’m overjoyed. I’m also sad as hell, because I’m not sure when Lex will let me back in. She’s pushing me out.

  “Yes, Mama?” she asks.

  “Baby, Garrett needs to go…he just wanted to say goodbye before he left.”

  Sierra sticks out her bottom lip and pouts. “But, Mama, I wanted to go swimming with Garrett tonight, and you said we could all finish our puzzle tonight and, and, Garrett is better at the bedtime stories, because his people have funny voices.”

  Damn, this sucks, but I can’t let Alexis be the one to disappoint Sierra right now. I’m not sure she could handle that. “Listen, princess, I want to do all those things with you tonight, too, but I have to get ready for a big show on Saturday night. So would you mind if we did that another time?”

  Her bottom lip is quivering and her little eyes are overflowing with tears. “But, that’s not what we were going to do tonight.” I hate this just as much as she does.

  Alexis stands to the side watching the interaction with her arms crossed, almost as if she was hugging herself. She has a few tears leaking down her cheeks, but she quickly sweeps them away. “I’m preparing a special surprise for the show in Nashville, Saturday. I’m going to sing a very special song and I’ll send the video to your mama’s phone, if that’s okay?” I look to Alexis for confirmation and she nods her head.

  ”Okay,” Sierra says giving in. I kneel with both knees on the ground and scoop her into a big bear hug. “I love you, Garrett.” She says and I melt into a pile of gush.

  “I love you, too, princess. I’ll see you soon, okay?”

  She’s placated for now. I’m not really sure how long it will last. She’s such a great kid. I’ve never really seen her upset or throw a fit. I feel bad that she’s upset now, but I can’t make it up to her mama if she won’t tell me what the hell I did in the first place.

  Alexis walks out the door with her arms still wrapped around her body. We walk to stand beside my truck. “I see that you’re upset. Please, just tell me what I can do to make this better,” I say to her, placing my hands on her arms, willing her to speak to me. And right then, she falls apart into a puddle of tears. I want to kiss all those damn tears off this girl’s face. It wrecks me to see her cry. What makes it worse is I think I’ve caused them, but I don’t know how. I would give anything in the world to make them go away and for a smile to replace that sad, lonely expression. She’s sobbing, so I pick her up, open the truck door, place her in the driver’s seat and stand in front of her, holding her. I’ll stand here all night if I have to.

  “Babe, I’m really worried here. What’s going on?” She lifts her precious head and looks at me with eyes still full of tears. I kiss every tear streak I can see on her cheeks. I refuse to be the one who caused this, and not the one to try and make it better. At this point, I really don’t care who caused it. I still want to be the one to fix it. I love this girl. I really, really love this girl, both these girls...Like crazy love them.

  “Garrett, I can’t do this. I can’t,” she’s gasping through her tears, “anymore,” gasp “not with you.” Continuing to cry, “It’s wrong, I’m wrong. We don’t fit.” Okay…so is this is the cause of the tears? Because we don’t fit? I can’t imagine anyone fitting better in my life. What am I missing? This girl is the missing piece in my life. She’s made my complicated life suddenly work in just a few short weeks. She’s made me feel like I fit in, in the real world.

  “Lex, look at me…I can’t imagine anyone fitting better in my life, sweetheart. Tell me why you think that.”

  She shrugs her shoulders and looks at me. “It’s just that you’re Garrett McKenna, and I can’t drop everything in my life to be a superstar’s girlfriend. You deserve someone that can.”

  Did I ever tell her she’d have to give up her life to be part of mine? I’d give up my entire world to be part of hers. This is exactly what the guys and I have been talking about the last few weeks. “Sweetheart, I’d never want you to give up anything on my behalf. Baby, I want to add to your life, not take away from it. Is that the reason for all these tears?”

  She shakes her head. “Just a few of them.”

  “Ok…what are the rest of these tears for?” She shakes her head forcefully.

  “No, I can’t talk about that right now.” She says with a panicked expression. “Garrett, I know you are soooo special. And the girl that earns your heart eventually… the right girl… she’ll be so very lucky. But I’m not her. I’m broken and not really fixable. I don’t know if I ever will be. So what I need, right now, is for you to get in this truck and drive away before we wreck each other. I don’t want to hurt anymore, and Sierra…I have to be more careful. I’m sorry…but...please,” she pleads, as she slides out of the truck and out of my grasp. “I’m really sorry, Garrett. Please, forgive me.”

  I’m speechless. She’s telling me goodbye…like permanently… not just for the night. Not on my fucking life…She can’t… I won’t let her… I love her.

  “Sweetheart, are you pushing me away because I’m not making you happy, or because you think you’re not what I need? I really need you to tell me before I make my next move, Lex.” She looks to me, shaking her head.

  “No, you are ‘Garrett McKenna the huge star’. The person you cherish in this life needs to be one that will move mountains to be beside you and take care of you. Not someone who you’ll have to mold yourself around to fit into their already established life, especially not one that is broken and needs
so much time and work to repair. You have no idea how broken I really am.”

  “Alexis, it’s me who’s unworthy, sweetheart. What kind of man is lucky enough to find the girl of his dreams ten years ago, screw up enough that I miss out on the chance of a lifetime, only for it to come back to me all these years later? Baby, it’s you I want, just you, and that little blond inside the house. I want to cherish you both.” I accidently let a single tear escape the tear fortress. Even grown men get emotional every once in a while.

  “Garrett…I don’t think you understand….I’m not…..” She’s not relenting. I can see in her eyes that she is still playing tug-of-war with her heart and her fear. I need to put a stop to this, quickly. I can’t let her continue to tell herself, or me, that she isn’t good enough. She’s better than good enough. She’s the best!

  “Lex, shut the hell up! I don’t want to hear any more about how unworthy of being in my life you are. It’s insulting! If you think, for one minute, that I’m walking out that door because you believe, in that overly smart brain of yours, that you aren't what I need, you really have gone bat-shit crazy! There is no way I’m letting you push me away. NO.WAY.BABY! I’m staying. I’m keeping you, and I’m keeping the cute little blond upstairs, too. I don't know how many more ways I can tell you, but YOU are exactly what I need and want and most importantly, what I can’t fucking live without!” She smiles. Thank Holy Christ! I’ve never needed to see someone smile more than right at this moment. Damn…I love this girl, but I can’t tell her now… that could send her into another tailspin.

  I’ve never wanted to give a girl anything, ever. Now I want to give her everything and anything she wants. Hell, she can have my last name if that would make her happy. I know for sure it would make me the happiest man in the world!

  “Garrett, you make me feel things I’m not sure I am ready for, things I haven’t ever felt before, not even with Jed. I’ve never connected with anyone else like this, and it scares me because you’ve made me need you. But at the same time what Jed gave in regards to parenting Sierra, I don't think she'll ever have that again. And that makes me sad, too. This is complicated, and I feel guilty for wanting what we have. You’ll have to sacrifice so much to be part of us, Sierra and me. I just want more for you. Simple as that.”

  That’s it! She needs to know how I feel so that she’ll see what walking away would do to me.

  “Lex, I love you like crazy, sweetheart! I was afraid to tell you too soon, and give you one more reason to run for the hills, but babe...” I pause to gather my nerve, “seriously, I think I loved you the minute I met you ten years ago. Your pretty little eyes have always seen right through me. You've always seen the real me, even when I didn't think anyone ever would see past the voice and guitar.

  “Baby, all I want is for you to let me hold you, kiss you, and love you. I want that more than my next breath, it’s not a sacrifice, sweetheart, ever,” I say. “What you had with Jed in regards to parenting Sierra, no baby, you'll never have that again. It'll always be different. But different doesn't have to be bad. We can make it good. I don't know the first thing about little girls. I do know that little girl makes my heart sing in ways I’ve never known. I also know there's nothing in this world I wouldn't do to keep her from harm. Babe, she's a part of you. I instinctively love her with all my being, since all my being is wrapped up in you. I want to take care of you girls. Stop pushing me away and let me.”

  Chapter 18

  What in the world just happened? I was breaking it off…and now he’s professed his love for Sierra & me. How is it possible a guy like Garrett would want me? I’m not really sure what to say to his declaration. He wants us, in spite of the fact that I offer nothing to him except baggage. It doesn’t seem fair, but I love him, too, and letting him go would irreparably break me. Whitney was right about that, but I’d never admit that to her. He does make me happy, and he loves my baby girl. He says he’s keeping us, but I don’t know what that really means. Even though I have so many unanswered questions, I’m trying to smile through the emotions and show him that what he’s saying means a lot to me.

  “I love you, too. I love you more than I ever expected. This scares the living shit out of me. You scare me. But I will try. You’re going to need to be patient with me, though. My emotions are all going haywire. I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me,” I say to Garrett. I’m happy that walking away wasn’t easy for him, but I feel like the amount he’s going to have to sacrifice for us won’t be worth the limited rewards. It won’t be a fair trade.

  He’s holding me tightly, like he’s afraid I’ll disappear. As if I would walk away after what he just said. He’s watching me closely. I’m trying to reassure him that I’m okay, but how the hell would he know that from the way I just acted. I pretty much told him to get lost, that I was a disaster area and he should run for the hills. Yet he’s stayed. I’m glad. I’ve grown to need him so madly.

  I haven’t even told him about Sierra and what’s happening at school. I don’t want him to think I expect him to step in as an instant daddy, but it’s hard not imagining us as a family. I don’t want to go there. I don’t want to turn the tables and scare him away, or for him to feel obligated to take that step with Sierra.

  “I’m so sorry, Garrett. I really did, kind of still do, think you would be better off. But I’m glad you want to be here with me, anyway.”

  He bends down and lifts me by my bottom. I wrap my legs around his waist as we walk into the house. “Sierra,” he calls out toward the stairs. “Come on, princess. We’re going swimming and then we’re packing for a trip!”

  She’s running down the stairs before he finishes the sentence. “Yay, Garrett, you came back!”

  He places me on my feet and picks her up, walking out back to the pool. He sits her down and takes off their sneakers and socks. Standing up, he grabs her in his arms and jumps into the pool, both of them fully clothed and laughing.

  “Come in, Mama. This is fun.” And I do. We swim for a while before ordering pizza to eat by the pool. It’s a perfect family fun night.

  “Garrett, you know we really can’t go to Nashville with you tomorrow, right?” I say to him, pleading for him to understand.

  “No, babe, I don’t know that. Why don’t you go ahead and tell me your objections, so that I can figure out a way around them.” He flashes a charming smile.

  Then my little peanut pipes right into the conversation. “Mama, I want to go to Nashville, too,” Sierra says, looking at me like I have four heads for saying we can’t go.

  I look to Garrett for help. “Will she really be safe at a concert? There will be a lot of people there.” Now, Garrett’s looking at me like I have four heads.

  “Lex, do you really think I’d ever let anything happen to my girls? Babe, you’ll both be on the side stage. I’ll be able to see you the whole time and I’ll have security doubled whenever you’re around.” Oh…security. Of course, he would have security. We haven’t had to deal with that much here, but we’ve not really gone anyplace.

  “Garrett, can I sing on stage too with the real life microphone?” Sierra asks. “I know your songs good,” she entreats, batting her baby blues. She knows just how to work him.

  “Sure, princess. I’d love that,” he says. He’s just made her dreams come true. I’m not really sure how that’ll work out. We can resolve that tomorrow.

  I tell Sierra it’s time to get ready for bed. She kisses Garrett goodnight and he tells her he will be here to wake her up tomorrow. I take her inside to bathe. After her bath Garrett reads one of her favorite books, using all the funny character voices, just the way she likes. Then he says goodnight to her, leaving us to our private goodnight song and prayers.

  I sing her the bedtime song, and then she says her prayers. As always, “God Bless Mama, Uncle, Aunty, my cousins, Aunty Whit, my daddy in heaven, and all my friends, and one more thing God…could please make Garrett my new daddy? I really want him to be, because he loves us and
I love him and even mama loves him, too. Amen.” Oh my…I don’t say anything to that. There’s nothing I can possibly say. I kiss her on her head and walk out of the room, closing the door behind me. I find Garrett sitting against the wall with his head in his hands and tears streaming his cheeks.

  He heard… I warned him this would be too much to deal with. “Garrett, I’m sorry. Did you hear that? I’ll talk to her, try to make her understand that you can’t be her daddy.”

  He stands up, picking me up and carrying me to the bedroom. “Lex, shut up. You’re ruining the best thing I’ve ever heard,” he says, laying me on my bed, kissing me ferociously. “Sweetheart, I heard that she said she loves me enough that she thinks I could be her daddy, and that she knows I love you both. If she can figure this shit out at four, you have got to stop questioning it, too. Got it, lady? Today you told me that you love me, and, even though, you keep trying to ruin this for me by doubting what we have, this is the best day of my life, sweetheart. And I fully intend to finish it off with fireworks. Get naked fast, Lex. We have some making up to do!” he says right before he attacks me, tugging at our clothes. As great as that sounds, Sierra is right down the hall and there’s no way she’s sleeping. I want him, but we need to put it on ice for a few minutes.

  “Garrett, wait….Sierra’s not sleeping, yet. I don’t want her to come in here,” I say, putting a halt to his plans.

  “Shit, you’re right.” He stops and kisses me. “I have my bags in the truck. Let me go get some dry clothes and make you a cup of tea. Sound good?” I nod yes. “Climb in the tub. I’ll be back in a minute,” he says, as he puts his shirt back on and jogs out of the room.