Indulge

by Liv Morris

  “I’m learning plenty,” she whispered softly. She leaned down, her hair falling in my face.

  “Jack! Open this fucking door right now!”

  Both Belle and I jumped. Shit. My father. My father was here and that meant he knew. Fuck.

  “Go in the bedroom,” I whispered to her, yanking my top back down. I ran my hand through my hair, waiting until she was safely in the room before I opened the door.

  He stormed in, looking as pissed off as I’d ever seen him. He thrust a paper toward me.

  “What the fuck is this Jack? I ask you to entertain her and her breasts are over every newspaper with your hands all over them! Are you aware that they are both on their way back to Italy right now? If you wanted to fuck me over, you certainly did it!” he roared, thrusting the paper at me. I stared at the images of Lisbeth waving her arms wildly, topless with my hands over her nipples. The next picture showed me kissing her, my tongue clearly invading her mouth. I didn’t remember that moment. I felt sick as I stared at the pictures, but my anger towards my father took over.

  “Isn’t that what you wanted? For me to do what I do best? Well, fucking women is what I do best, Father. Surely you expected this from your useless asshole of a son!” I yelled, following him out into the hallway.

  “You know what, Jack? You and Alex are both nothing but disappointments to me. You’ve both caused me nothing but grief. As far as I’m concerned, I have no sons. I’m done with the both of you.”

  His words came out quietly and full of spite, and all I could do was watch him walk away. This wasn’t anger talking, this was my father revealing his real feelings toward us both—feelings he’d harbored for a long time. I walked back inside my flat feeling deflated and angry.

  “Jack?” Belle sat on the floor, the newspaper in her shaking hands, her expression hurt and angry. “Tell me this is a mistake,” she demanded.

  I stood there helplessly. There was nothing I could say.

  “Did you fuck her?” she asked, her voice raising.

  “Belle, no—” I said, trying to explain.

  “Did you kiss her, after this picture? Tell me what happened Jack, or I swear—” She stopped as I held up my hand.

  “We kissed, she took off her dress, and she tried to suck my dick but I stopped her. Then I left. Are you happy?” I said flatly. She glared at me, her eyes full of tears.

  “You’re making this out to be my fault?” she gasped. She got to her feet, sobs escaping from her throat. “I trusted you, Jack.”

  “And I told you all I’d end up doing was hurt you,” I replied quietly.

  “Did you do this on purpose? Are you trying to push me away?” she cried. “Because if you are, it’s sure as hell working!” She brushed past me and out the door. My biggest regret was that I did nothing to stop her.

  I let her go.

  Chapter Twenty

  The pounding on my door became too loud to ignore. Someone couldn’t take a fucking hint. Another bottle of scotch, another night wasted. It was dark, but I had no idea what time it was—or even what day it was—and I didn’t care.

  “I’m coming,” I muttered loudly, sitting up. I waited until the room stopped spinning before I gingerly got to my feet. I stumbled over to the door, unlocking the latch and swinging it open. Luke stood there, his hands shoved in his pockets, his face white.

  Fucking hell. Had she gone running straight to him? Had she told him what an asshole I was? This was all stuff I knew already, and I sure as hell didn’t need to hear it from him.

  “Luke, you’re wasting your breath. Go home,” I mumbled. Luke reached for my arm. Something in the way he touched me made my heart jump. I raised my eyes to meet his. He was crying, the tears running freely down his cheeks.

  “Jack, it’s Belle. She’s dead.”

  ***

  “She was driving around a corner, and she lost control of the wheel and hit a tree. The police said she was killed instantly.”

  Luke stood next to me as I bent over the kitchen counter, my heart racing. I felt sick. And dizzy, like I was going to faint. This had to be a joke. Any minute I was going to wake up and the last few days would’ve been a dream. She couldn’t be gone. How the fuck was I supposed to live without her?

  “When?” I asked, my voice hoarse.

  “Yesterday afternoon. They’re not sure what time.” He hesitated. “She wasn’t found until ten o’clock last night,” he added softly. I let out a loud sob.

  Yesterday afternoon.

  That meant she must have been driving home from my house when she died.

  If only I’d kept my dick in my pants, this never would’ve happened. I had been so focused on ruining things for my father that what was most important to me had slipped through my fingers.

  She was gone, forever. I felt like my heart had been ripped from my chest and smashed against a brick wall. My throat constricted as I fought for air. Struggling to take a breath, Luke touched my back.

  “Are you okay? Jack, I don’t even know what to say. I know I wasn’t supportive of you guys, but I could see how much she loved you,” he said. “And I know you loved her.”

  I wiped the tears from my eyes. The pain I was feeling was nothing like I’d ever felt before. Right now, I just wanted to die. I lifted my head from my hands, but said nothing. Luke stood next to me awkwardly, not sure what he could say to make this better. I walked over to the window that overlooked the balcony and stared outside. The sky was overcast, and a band of grey clouds were threatening to open over the city.

  This couldn’t be happening. Every time I closed my eyes, all I saw was the hurt in hers before she left. She walked out and I did nothing to stop her. What if I had gone after her? If I had stopped her from leaving, even only for a few minutes, she would still be here today.

  “Luke, do you mind leaving? I need to be alone.” The voice that came out didn’t even sound like mine.

  Luke hesitated. “I don’t want to leave you alone, man.”

  “Get the fuck out. Please, just leave.” I felt his presence for a few minutes longer. As soon as I heard the door close, I dropped to my knees and began to cry.

  ***

  It was the day after I had found out, and two days since she’d died.

  It still felt so unreal, like at any moment I was expecting her to call, or knock on my door. The last twenty-four hours I’d spend sleeping and drinking. They were the only two things that took my mind off this whole mess.

  I hadn’t called work, or my father. I had nothing to say.

  All I knew was I had to get the hell out of there. Everything reminded me of her. I’d slept on the floor of the balcony the night before in a pair of tracksuit pants, oblivious to the minus two frost. The bed reminded me of her, and I couldn’t even look at the sofa without imagining her sitting there, laughing. Every time I fell asleep I heard her laugh, only to open my eyes and find myself alone, and empty. The freezing temperature made me numb, but it didn’t dull the pain.

  Racing through the bedroom, I slammed a few things into my overnight bag. Zipping it up, I threw it over my shoulder and grabbed my keys. As an afterthought I grabbed my phone, remembering that was my only connection to Belle. All her messages, her picture, everything that I had of her was on my phone. Without that, it was like she never existed in my life.

  I jumped in my car with no idea where I was going. All I knew was I needed to get out of the city, and I needed alcohol. Lots of Alcohol. I stopped by a bottle shop and stocked up on scotch.

  As I climbed back in the car, it hit me. I knew where I needed to go. I headed in the direction of the lake house. It was the only place I knew nobody would find me. The only people who knew about this place were Dad and Alex. Alex was overseas, and Dad had made it clear he didn’t give a shit about me.

  My mind replayed my final minutes with Belle over and over, each time focused on that moment when I did nothing to stop her from leaving. I did nothing. She left and I did nothing.

  If she had
never met me, she would still be alive. If only I hadn’t gone back to the restaurant. I was a fucking mess. My vision blurred as I jerked the wheel to miss an imaginary rabbit, the car swerving on the road. I gained back control, my heart thumping. How easy would it be for me to end it right now, the same way Belle’s life ended? All I would have to do was speed up and slam into a tree. My foot pressed on the accelerator, the car slowly gaining speed. The road was slippery from the frost, and the fog made it difficult to see more than a few meters in front. I reached behind me, my hand gripping the neck of a bottle of scotch. I held it between my legs and unscrewed the top.

  I lifted the bottle to my lips and drank. More than a mouthful, I drank until the liquid began to burn my lips. Moving it away, I gasped, breathing heavily. Sitting the open bottle next to me on the seat, I slowed down.

  The lake house came into view, its three stories an imposing structure nestled among the serene environment that was Lake Elucas. Parking the car in the driveway, I got out, taking the bottle with me and grabbed my bag.

  Belle would’ve loved it here. It was the perfect location for a romantic getaway. Or a place full of empty childhood memories. Suddenly, coming up here didn’t seem like the best idea, but I was too tired and drunk to do anything about it.

  Grabbing the other bottles from the back seat, I went inside. It had been years since I’d ventured up there, but it looked just the same, albeit a little dustier. I pulled a sheet off an armchair and sat down. It was a recliner, so I put my feet up until I was almost lying completely down. I stared blankly at the ceiling, only looking down to take another sip of scotch. Was I trying to drink myself to death? Probably, but crashing my car hadn’t worked, so I didn’t expect this to work either.

  I never thought I’d be back here. I swore I would never come back. Memories of Mum and Dad fighting, Dad beating Mum, her face being pushed into the broken glass of a vase on the floor, Dad kicking her down two flights of stairs—it all came flooding back to me. How could I blame her for leaving? The answer was I didn’t, I only blamed her for not taking us with her.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  I woke up disoriented. My neck hurt like hell and I had a ripping headache. Reaching up to rub my neck, I tried to gather my thoughts. I sat forward. Bad move.

  “Fuck!” I yelled as my skin ripped away from the suction it had created against the leather chair. Standing up, it took me a minute to recognize the lake house and remember why I was here. The worst part was I didn’t even remember driving here.

  It was still light outside. I grabbed my phone and switched it on for the first time in days. Message after message came through. I immediately deleted all the messages and calls from work and my father, which left three from Luke and two from Alex. I tossed the phone aside, not ready to deal with anyone yet. All I wanted was to forget, but my head was my own worst enemy.

  I grabbed the sheet, wrapped it around my shoulders, and slipped the phone in my pocket. I went outside and followed the track down to the edge of the lake. I sat down in the soft, wet sand a fair distance from the house. I knew this spot well. We used to hide behind the huge tree log and try to block out Mum’s screams as Dad ripped into her. She’d never tell us what had happened, but we knew. Everything that went on in that house, we knew about.

  It was just after midnight, according to my phone. Another two missed calls from Alex, and one from Luke. Guilt ripped through me as I thought about Belle and our fight. If Luke knew what I had done, he wouldn’t be wasting his time with me.

  I couldn’t bring myself to speak to him; the pain I felt was just too overwhelming. It wasn’t only Belle’s life I had ruined, it was everyone who knew her. How could anyone move on after losing such an amazing girl? How could I move on?

  I felt the tears well as I punched Alex’s number into my phone. He answered on the first ring.

  “Jack.” He whispered softly. He knew. His tone of voice said it all. Luke must’ve been worried, to contact Alex.

  “Sorry I didn’t call you back earlier,” I muttered, the words barely audible. I rubbed my chin, trying to focus.

  “I don’t know what to say,” Alex said quietly.

  I laughed harshly. “There’s nothing to say. There’s nothing that can be done to fix this.”

  “Jack—”

  “No, you don’t get it. You don’t know what I did to her. I killed her, Alex. I fucking killed her!”

  “What do you mean, you killed her?” Alex asked. He sounded confused. “And where are you?”

  “What does it matter where I am?” I replied.

  “Just tell me where you are,” repeated Alex calmly.

  “I’m at the lake house,” I said softly. I picked up a stone from the ground beside me and threw it into the lake. The sound of it breaking through the stillness of the water echoed.

  “The lake house?” Alex repeated, as if he’d forgotten about it, or blocked it from his memory. “Okay, tell me what happened. Tell me everything.”

  “I cheated on her. I cheated on her with Lisbeth,” I mumbled, crying.

  “Jack, you told me that already, remember? After it happened, you called me. You also said you stopped it, remember?” Alex asked. I shook my head. The last few days had blended into a big blur. I was having trouble separating my thoughts from reality.

  “It doesn’t matter. Nothing matters anymore. If she had never met me, then she would still be alive right now. If I hadn’t cheated on her, then she wouldn’t have left and she wouldn’t be dead right now,” I cried.

  Pain tore through my stomach. I hadn’t eaten in two days and my insides felt as though they were being ripped to shreds. I gripped my stomach and tried to ride through the pain. I deserved to hurt.

  “I have to go,” I said numbly, ignoring Alex’s pleas and hanging up the phone. My body shivered, begging for warmth. I didn’t deserve to be warm. I deserved to suffer, just like I made her suffer.

  How long had she been in the car before she died? What if they were wrong? What if she hadn’t been killed instantly? How could they tell twelve hours later that she’d died on impact?

  I pulled myself to my knees, my stomach dry-retching as bile pooled inside my mouth. I spat the sour-tasting liquid from my mouth. I ripped my pants off and tossed them aside, standing naked by the water’s edge. Slowly, I began to wade into the freezing lake. This is what I deserved. I needed to be punished, but the problem was there was no punishment in the world harsh enough to undo the damage that I had done.

  “Fuck!” I yelled at the top of my lungs as the water moved past my knees. This wasn’t a lake for swimming. I knew that, but I didn’t give a fuck. With a little bit of luck I would get pulled under by one of the many potholes and drown.

  I gasped as the water covered my chest. It was freezing, but at the same time I felt nothing. It was like there was no room left inside me to feel anything but the pain I felt for Belle.

  Belle.

  Even her name made my stomach lurch. My sweet, sweet Belle. I closed my eyes and imagined her beautiful smile and the way the arch of her nose scrunched up when she didn’t like something. I thought about how happy she had made me, and how when I was around her I felt as though I was important. She loved me unconditionally and she trusted me with every bone in her body. And I broke that.

  I lowered myself into the water, allowing the wetness to engulf me completely. How long would it take for my spirit to leave my body if I held my breath under here? Had she felt anything? In the seconds before she slammed into that tree, had she known she was going to die?

  Were her final thoughts about me? About how much she loved me, or about how much I had hurt her?

  A sob escaped from me, causing water to gush into my mouth and up my nose. I coughed, and instinctively rose above the water, to breathe in the fresh air.

  I could just imagine my father’s words if he could see me now. I couldn’t even kill myself properly, that’s how much of a failure I was. An embarrassment to the family. I was useless.
Not even my own mother wanted me.

  ‘I can’t handle being your mother.’

  What kind of mother says that? What the fuck did I ever do to her but love her? How she could just pack up and leave, just like that, I couldn’t comprehend. If my own mother despised me that much, what hope did I ever have? I was fucked from the start. Had my mother not fallen pregnant with me, she never would have married my father. He never would have broken her spirit. I remember my mother as a soft-spoken woman who let my father control her. Had she once been strong and free like Belle, before my father left her feeling worthless and capable of nothing?

  “Jack.”

  The voice was so soft, and at first I thought I must’ve imagined it. I looked back to the shore. I saw him: Luke. He was standing there, his arms crossed, staring out at me. From where I was, I couldn’t read his expression. I didn’t need his pity. He didn’t understand, he couldn’t, not without knowing the full story, and I couldn’t tell him that. I couldn’t have another person hating me.

  “Fuck off, Luke. Just leave me alone,” I called out. He didn’t move. He just stood there, waiting, as if he knew eventually I’d have to come back in.

  “Jack. Get out of the water. Don’t do this to yourself,” he called to me.

  “You don’t get it, Luke. Please, just go. I don’t want you here,” I said desperately. My body was shaking, slowly giving in to the freezing temperature of the water.

  “If you don’t come out, I’m going to come in.” He unzipped his jacket and threw it on the ground to show me he was serious. I didn’t doubt for a second that he would if he thought that was the only way he could get me out of the water.

  “Fuck!” I cursed, not seeing an escape. Slowly, with one foot placed tentatively in front of the other, I made my way out of the water. I was shaking so badly, I almost lost my balance.

  “What the fuck you are you doing? Do you think Belle would want you to be like this?” he asked, throwing his jacket around my wet shoulders. I didn’t respond, unable to talk because I was so fucking cold.