Indulge

by Liv Morris

  My life was turned upside down when I lost Katherine that heart breaking night. The flashing lights and sound of metal crushing. It all happened so fast. I didn’t have time to save her. I didn’t have time to help her. She was gone by the time the ambulance came. My head hit the steering wheel and the window. I felt her hand slipping away from mine. Her tiny body laid next to me. She looked like she was sleeping, but I knew she was gone. I cried out for her, begging her to stay awake. I begged her to fight, but she was gone.

  When I buried Katherine, my heart went along with her. Life didn’t have meaning and it wasn’t worth it. I didn’t know who I was without Katherine and everyone looked faceless to me. My family was there to help but I shut everyone out because I didn’t care. I drowned myself in work, alcohol and women but then Katherine started showing up last year. Her ghost was haunting me. I thought I was fucking going crazy, but we’ve sat around my loft having conversations and I heard her laugh and saw her smile. When she came to visit me things were better. We talked about Greene Publishing, my family and how much I missed her.

  Those emerald eyes. That beautiful smile and her beautiful soul.

  “Katherine I miss you every day. I wish you were still here with me.” I put down the picture and drop my head. There’s not a day that goes by when she doesn’t cross my mind. My life is empty and it’s hard to find true meaning. It’s hard to believe that she’s gone and the saying that time heals all wounds is bullshit. She’s still the last person on my mind before I go to bed and the first on my mind when I wake up.

  Her family still won’t talk to me. They blame me for everything. In their eyes, I’m the reason why Katherine isn’t here. Her older brother, Ryan, even threatened to kill me if he ever saw me again.

  I have all the money in the world, but the emptiness I feel keeps me awake at night. All the women I’ve been with cannot fill the void and numbness I feel. I’m sick of the emotionless sex and vain women who only want me to promote them in the business of beauty and fame. I fuck them when they come to town. Treat them to dinner. Spoil them with jewelry and shopping. They all want to be Mrs. Greene and try their hardest to move into my life. Permanently. But no one compares to Katherine; no one can ever take her place. No, no one will be able to take her place because in my heart she’s still here. I’ll never love anyone the way I love Katherine.

  I run my hands through my hair and try to refocus. I turn back to my computer and open up the messaging system.

  Me: Get in my office now.

  Logan: Yes captain.

  I take out my phone and look through my business contacts. I can call to see if anyone has someone available for me, but I don’t want to explain myself so I put away my phone and wait for Logan to come into my office. This is what I get for letting my fucking temper take over. I can’t win and anger management classes are pointless. Once a week I go to classes and sit there to talk about feelings and ways to better manage people. Please someone blow me. It’s a waste of time, but mother insists in order to be a people person I need to attend these meetings. How can I talk about my feelings and emotions when I don’t have feelings? I hate talking. I hate people. If the conversation isn’t going to make me millions then I don’t care. There are only a few people I can trust in this world-my family. I do have a heart for them and I love what they have sacrificed for Logan and me.

  Logan steps in my office and sits down. His brown hair, green eyes and boyish charm used to make the ladies swoon but he only has eyes for one woman now - Hayden, my lovely sister-in-law.

  There used to be a different woman on his arm every day. I think some women even proposed to him. But when he met Hayden, she showed him a new world that broke everything inside of him. She helped calm my ex playboy little brother. Hayden took him by storm and we all love her. She and I instantly connected. She has tried to set me up on dates, but when I looked at these women I realized they were not Katherine and lost all interest before getting to know them. I’m sure they were wonderful women, but I wasn’t ready to move on and I wasn’t sure when I’d be able to.

  I turn and look at Logan. He rests his foot on his knee and makes himself comfortable on my sofa. I see him smirking at me while playing with his tie. “What’d you do now, big brother?”

  I run my hand through my wavy brown hair and squeeze the space between my eyes. This is going to be bad. Mother is going to have a conniption. She loves Heather. “I let Heather go,” I mumble.

  Logan lets out a thunderous laugh. “You cannot keep firing your assistants! That’s what, six already? Man, stop being a jerk.”

  He’s right. I need to stop being a jerk and give people a chance but when you do that, you get taken advantage of and people are greedy little shits. “I don’t need this right now Logan. Get me someone!”

  Logan leans forward. I know what he’s going to say. I don’t have time to listen to his advice. “When are you going to trust someone?”

  “I trust people.” I turn back to my computer to avoid Logan’s stare. My family wants the best for me. I get that. But this is what I know. “Will you please find me someone? I would appreciate that.”

  Logan looks at me with worry in his eyes. “I know I joke around a lot but are you okay Jacob?”

  I look down at my keyboard. Am I okay? Isn’t that the million dollar question. I don’t think I’ll ever be okay. “It’s almost been three years since I’ve lost her. I don’t know what I’m doing anymore, Logan.”

  I hear Logan getting up and walking towards me. The tears come back. I don’t think I can ever let her go. “Jacob, you need to stop beating yourself up. It was an accident. I know you miss her. We all do. But when are you going to start living again?” I don’t respond because I have no idea how to live my life anymore. It’s work Monday through Saturday and on Sunday I spend the day with my family. “Why don’t you and Mila spend the day together on Friday? Friday she has a half-day at preschool and I’m sure she’ll love to spend time with her Uncle Jacob. Hayden already has you on the allowed list to pick her up. She’s been asking about you.” My adorable, blonde hair, green-eyed niece Mila is the light of my life. “I’d like that Logan, thank you.”

  He pats my shoulder before heading out of my office so I get some more work done. I respond to a few emails, but my mind goes back to Katherine and how I wish she were here.

  By the time six o’clock comes around, I shut off my computer, gather up my things and head out of the office. Gary, my driver, is waiting for me outside.

  “Evening Mr. Greene,” he says when opening the car door for me.

  “Thanks Gary.” I get in the car when my cell phone starts ringing. I look at who is calling.

  Audrina. Supermodel. Sexy. Long blonde hair. Deep chestnut colored eyes.

  “Hello, Audrina. To what do I owe this surprise?”

  “Jacob,” she seductively replies. “I’m coming to town tomorrow. Usual spot?”

  I close my eyes and lean my head back. Damn.

  The last time we were together I fucked her. Hard. We were in her hotel room all night. It was a night full of hot fucking. I fucked her in every position imaginable. I loved her riding my cock. She knew what she was doing. Hearing her scream my name made me come hard and fast. I remembered her luscious lips around my dick. She sucked me and put it all the way in the back of her throat.

  “Tomorrow night. Eight o’clock.” I hang up the phone before she can respond. I need a release. It’s been nearly three weeks since being with a woman.

  Gary pulls into the garage and parks the SUV next to my black Audi. He comes around and opens the door for me. “Gary, take the rest of the night off. I’ll be in for the evening.”

  “Sounds good, Mr. Greene. Call me if you need anything.”

  We shake hands. “Will do. Have a nice evening.”

  I go into my building and get in the elevator. I press the PH button and wait while the elevator travels up to my floor. I start taking off my green tie and unbuttoning my gray shirt.


  Ding.

  The doors open and I walk straight to my loft. When I open the door, a delicious smell hits my face. “Madison?” I put my briefcase down and take off my suit jacket. “Madison, are you here?”

  I go into the kitchen and there is my best friend at the stove, pulling out a pizza. She turns her head my way and smiles. “Hey, you. I thought I’d come over and make you dinner.”

  I walk to her and kiss her on the cheek. “Thanks, Madison, I appreciate it, but don’t you have a date or something tonight?”

  Madison puts down the pizza and leans against the counter. “Had a date. I found out the asshole is married and wanted me to be his dirty little secret. Please!”

  I start laughing as I walk to the fridge. “Beer?”

  “Please.”

  Madison has been there for me since I lost Katherine. We met in college in a business class. It was an instant connection with her but nothing romantic ever happened. I saw her as my best friend and she was there for me whenever I needed her. I don’t know where I’d be without her. Everyone joked around that she liked me, but I didn’t see it. She was a great friend who made sure I was okay.

  She’s beautiful and every man’s dream. Long brown hair, hazel eyes, lean and curvy, but it’s not there for me; she isn’t Katherine.

  Madison sets up plates on the kitchen table while I sit down and take a swig of my beer. “Thanks again for doing this. I didn’t get a chance to eat dinner.”

  She serves me two slices of pizza before sitting down. “No problem, best friend. How’s everything going?”

  I take another drink before answering her. “I fired Heather. I see my dead girlfriend’s ghost sometimes and my life is a never ending shit show. So how do you think everything is going?”

  Madison moves closer to me and throws her arms around my neck. “I’m sorry Jacob, but you might want to think about moving on with your life. Katherine would want you to be happy.”

  We sit there for the rest of the night as I listen to her talk about her job and what she’s been up to. I can’t think about anything else but what she said. How can I just move on? Would Katherine want me to be happy?

  I walk Madison out and she tells me to text her anytime if I need anything. I give her a kiss on her cheek and walk away. When I get back inside, I take a long hot shower and think about what’s been going on. I should move on. It’s been three years but something keeps holding me back - my guilt and fears. I don’t want to bring anyone else down. I don’t want to hurt anyone else.

  I get out of the shower and get ready for bed. I throw on my blue boxers and slide under the covers. Eleven eighteen. I close my eyes and fall asleep.

  “Jacob, why didn’t you save me?” The tears roll down from her pale cheeks as she tries to grab my hand.

  “Katherine, wait please! I’m sorry!” The fog sets in front of us. I can’t see her. I can’t see anything. I wave my hands in the air to move the fog but it doesn’t work. “Katherine! Please come back!”

  I quickly sit up and look around the room. There’s no one here except for me. I look at the clock on my nightstand and see that it only reads two forty-five a.m. I rub my eyes and lay back down but I can’t fall back asleep. This is how it is every night. The same dream comes to me and each time it ends the same; I can never save her. I get out of bed and head to the closet. I pull out a photo album and look through the pictures of how life should have been.

  Her smile.

  That smile still makes my heart beat faster. How am I supposed to live without her? I put the album away, walk back to bed, and turn on the television and try to fall back asleep.

  *****

  Eight o’clock. She comes through the doors of Tavern Seven. She’s wearing a tight, plunging neckline red dress. I get up and walk to her. My lips touch her cheek, “Audrina.”

  “Hello Jacob,” she purrs, “You look delicious tonight.”

  “As do you. Come sit.” I place my hand on the small part of her back and guide her to my table. It’s in the corner of the restaurant so no one will bother us. I take a drink of my scotch as she strokes my thigh.

  “I miss you,” Audrina whispers in my ear, “I can’t wait for tonight.”

  I immediately finish my drink, leave a fifty on the table and take her hand. “Let’s go.”

  Gary sees me coming and gets out opening the car door for us. I lead Audrina in and move in after her. She runs her hand through my hair and rests her other hand on my thigh. A seductive smile comes across her face as she licks her bottom lip and comes closer to me. Her lips graze my ear down my neck. I want her but never have been one to fuck in the back seat of my car, yet tonight may be an exception. Gary knows where to take me. He puts in his ear buds and starts driving. Without saying anything Audrina gets on the carpeted floor and pushes my legs apart. Her hands are on my belt and pants. She takes off the belt and unbuttons my pants. I put my hands behind my head and let her do whatever the fuck she wants to me. One hand is pulling down my pants and boxers while the other is stroking my long erection. She grabs me with both of her hands and slowly wraps her succulent lips around my hard member and twirls her tongue around the head. The moans of pleasure coming from her lips get me harder. She pulls me towards her and lodges my cock deep in her throat. A guttural groan escapes my throat, “Fuck Audrina.” I push her head down further and make her take me all the way in. Damn her mouth feels good on me. I push her off me and she looks at me with confusion. My fingers are gripping her chin and I force her to look at me. “I want you to beg me. Tell me you want my dick in your mouth. Tell me I’m the best.”

  Her eyes grow wide and pools with desire. “You’re the best Jacob. I. Only. Want. You.” She opens her mouth again and takes me in. Within seconds I explode in her mouth. She swallows everything I release, licking me clean. “I hope I can always make you happy.” I help her up from her knees and smile.

  “Of course.” I straighten my clothes and pull out my cell phone to check my messages. I see her from the corner of my eyes and she’s staring at me. “Can I help you with something?” I ask with irritation and annoyance in my tone.

  She simply shakes her head and looks out the window. I notice the uncomfortable silence and it’s beginning to bother me but I don’t think too much about it. I ignore her for the rest of the ride.

  Gary pulls up to the Hilton where Audrina is staying. We immediately take the elevator to the top floor Presidential suite. The room is rather large with a rich wood décor living area, a dining room table, a private office and a wet bar. The windows provide a fabulous view of Columbia’s Historic District.

  I walk to the wet bar and pour myself a glass of scotch. I bring the glass to my lips and in one gulp finish my drink. I close my eyes and feel nothing. I pour myself another glass, repeating this process four times.

  “Jacob.” I turn around and see Audrina in nothing but a lacey black bra and lace black panties. Her body is fucking phenomenal. Her perky breasts are calling out to my mouth. I look her over from her face down to her black stilettos. “I’m ready for you.” She gives me her sexy grin. I place the glass down and stroll over to her.

  “You better be ready tonight.” I grab Audrina and toss her on the couch, standing in front of her, “Go ahead. Take off my clothes. Now!” I say with a forceful yet sexy demand.

  Quickly, my pants and boxers come off. Just before she can touch me again, I grab her hands. “Lean back.” I force her back against the sofa. I take off my shirt and toss it aside. She’s ready for me. Her legs spread and I rip her panties off. “You don’t need this,” I say. I kiss her inner thighs tenderly and make my way to her juiciness. My greedy tongue licks her wetness. I twirl it around her clit as I plunged my tongue into her.

  I immediately stop what I’m doing and bring my head up to look at her. “Stop. Moving.”

  She gives me a nod and I prop each of her legs up on my shoulders. I insert two fingers into her and my possessive tongue glides against her soft skin. I spread her legs wi
der and play with her clit with my skillful tongue.

  “Jacob. Oh my God, keep going. Yes! Yes!” I stop licking her. “What are you doing?”

  “Shhhh,” I flip her over and slap her ass a few times. I know she loves what I’m doing from hearing her moans. Audrina spreads her legs for me and I lift her ass is in the air.

  “You know what I like Jacob,” she states. “Please Jacob, I’m begging you.”

  I pull her ass to me and penetrate deep in her beautiful ass. God she is so tight. I go in faster and hear her screaming my name. She’s telling me to go harder and faster. I do what she says, “Fuck Audrina!”

  “Keep going!” Her breathing is all over the place as she loudly moans my name.

  I grip her ass and pump myself in her. The excitement she is showing gets me going and my throbbing cock is ready to explode. A few more thrusts and I spill myself in her. I gently pull myself out of her and head to the bathroom. I grab a washcloth and turn on the faucet. I let the water soak the washcloth and look into the mirror. I look at the man standing before me and cringe with regret and sorrow. I don’t want to continue this life and the meaningless sex. I get myself clean and wash my hands. When I come out, I see her picking up my clothes and setting them aside.

  She walks over to me and wraps her arms around my waist. “Are you going to spend the night with me?” Her voice is hopeful and she kisses my bare chest.

  I grab her arms and untangle them from my waist. “No,” I simply respond. I see the disappointment in her eyes and I have to look away from her. Why is she falling for me? I have an ugly heart and soul. The coldness takes over my body and the tension rises. No one can ever love a beast of a man and I don’t know how to love anymore. How can I love another person when I can’t love myself?