by Dawn Brower
“I don’t need heirs,” he said. “I need you.”
She shook her head. “You say that now, but one day you’ll change your mind. I don’t want you to regret marrying me.”
He would never regret loving her. “Please give me more credit than that. If I wanted to marry and have children, I could have done so a long time ago. Loving my wife and being happy is far more important.”
“I’d like to believe that, but I can’t.” She stood and wandered over to the window. “I agreed to spend the day with you. I’ll keep my word.” Victoria glanced over her shoulder. “I realize that, for some people, marriage and children can be wonderful. My friend Catherine managed to have it all, and I see how happy your sister is with Julian, but that life isn’t for me. I ask that you respect my wishes.”
William wanted to. God, he wished he could. He would continue to fight for her though. He still had some time to change her mind, and he would find a way to convince her that all he needed was her.
Chapter 10
The Marsden Christmas was usually celebrated in England. It didn’t matter the location; they had certain traditions. One of them was decorating the tree. Everyone had an ornament. Each family member kept their ornament, and it traveled with them every Christmas. That ornament was unique and told the world a little about its owner.
When he was five, William’s mother had taken him to a specialty store. There, he sat with an artist who helped him design his. As a boy, he’d always loved trains. He thought, one day, he might grow up and drive one. A foolish dream of a child, but he still loved them. There was something majestic about a steam engine.
His ornament was a ruby red engine with gray smoke rolling out the top. The artist had crafted it so he could blow on the backside of it and the engine shrilled in an ear-piercing whistle. The final detail had been his name hand-painted on the side. As a boy, he had adored it—his mother abhorred it. He’d heard her mumble something about being thankful Christmas was once a year…
The tree decorating ceremony would start their Christmas ball. Though that part of the night’s festivities would be family. After they were done, they would open Lilimar to their guests. Each year, the tree decorating was a little different. It depended on which family member hosted Christmas. Now that some of them were married and starting families of their own, the hosting duties were being shared amongst several of them. With this being the first year for Christmas at Lilimar, William and his mother had decided to make a big deal out of it. Hence the idea for the Christmas ball…
He picked up the wooden box that housed his train. William flipped the lid open and lifted it from the blue velvet that kept it cushioned. It had been decades since he’d first held it, and the little train still gleamed brightly. There were so many memories attached to the little ornament. They all swam before him in a blur. He’d imagined taking his own child to pick one out one day. If he were to succeed in convincing Victoria to marry him, he’d never have that fictitious child. He told himself he was all right with that. Any sacrifice he had to make would be worth it to have her in his life; however, he still mourned the loss of having a son or daughter of his own. How could he not?
William slipped the train back into the box. It would stay there until later when they decorated the tree. He tucked the box under his arm and left his room. The family would start to gather in the ballroom soon. He didn’t want to be late. He descended the stairs and went down the hall until he reached the room. When he entered, he found it nearly empty. His cousin, Angeline, stood near the tree admiring it.
“Do you think it’ll do?” he asked her.
She turned to him and smiled. Her dark hair was pinned back in an elegant chignon, and her blue eyes seemed to sparkle with mischief. “It’s very majestic,” she said. “It’ll be gorgeous once we decorate it.”
“Where’s your husband?”
“He’s reading to the twins,” she said. “Maximus and Marianna are a bit restless. They’ll join us in a little bit. They’re excited to put their ornaments on the tree.”
Angeline’s children were nine years old. They would celebrate their tenth birthday in a couple short months. It was strange to think that they were already that old. Brianne’s daughter, Vivian, had recently turned five. They were the next generation of Marsdens—though there wouldn’t be any children with the Marsden name unless Alex and Drew decided to marry and procreate. Neither one of them showed any signs of wanting to settle down.
“Do you have any regrets?” he asked her.
“In what regard…?” She lifted a brow. “You’ll have to be more specific.”
“Marriage, children, your life choices…”
“Are we feeling a bit unsatisfied with life?” Angeline patted him on the shoulder. “Don’t worry. I won’t pry. If you want to talk about what’s bothering you, I’ll listen.” She tilted her head to the side. “But to answer your question, no. I do not have any regrets. I love Lucian and the twins. I couldn’t imagine not having them in my life.”
“Would you be satisfied if you didn’t have the twins?” She’d had trouble conceiving at first. It had taken her nearly five years after her wedding to finally get pregnant. For a time, Angeline had feared she may never have children. He never talked to her about it, but he’d overheard his mother discussing it with Brianne. It didn’t seem like his place, but he had to know a little of how she felt. It might help him reconcile himself to his current situation.
She appeared thoughtful as if considering the best way to answer his question. “It’s no secret that I had…difficulties. There was a time I was desperate to have a child. Then, one day, I realized I would be all right if I never got pregnant. I stopped stressing and enjoyed the life I had with Lucian. It wasn’t long after that I conceived the twins. Sometimes it’s best to let go and accept what life gives you. I don’t know how life would be without my children. I’m thankful every day for them.”
“I see.”
“That didn’t help you much did it?” She wrinkled her nose. “I’m being all philosophical. I can’t help it.” Angeline glanced at the tree. “It’s that time of year when anything seems possible, and if you wish hard enough, a miracle can happen.”
“I suppose.” He smiled at her. “It did help a little. I have a lot to think about.” When he had a chance, he’d talk with Victoria again. Their last conversation had been a bit heavy. Now that he’d had time to go over it in his mind, he’d come to a decision. She was the first person he wanted to share his revelations with.
Victoria ran her hand over her evening gown. The skirt was cerulean chiffon with a sapphire and gold lace border. The overlay was indigo silk with seed pearls sewn into it the bodice. It nearly sparkled in the light. The waist was cinched with gold, and the sleeves capped around her shoulders. She couldn’t recall ever having something so fine to wear. If Brianne hadn’t convinced her to buy it, she would never have purchased it. This was probably the one occasion she’d have to wear a ballgown.
Slowly, she left her room and descended the stairs. She had been avoiding going to the ballroom for as long as possible. Victoria had taken her time pinning her flaxen locks up into an elaborate chignon. She’d secured a gold hair comb into it with pearls that matched her dress on the side. She’d never thought of herself as particularly beautiful, but she felt pretty for the first time in her life. Too bad she couldn’t shake the feeling that she didn’t belong. This wasn’t her family.
It could be…
William wanted her. He’d made no secret of that. She’d never been so tempted by anything in her life. This family… It made her want things she never thought she could have. She hadn’t lied when she told William she didn’t want children. Not exactly… It was more she was afraid to take the chance of having them. Her mother’s death had left its mark on her in so many ways. Starting with her father’s neglect and the loneliness she had to endure her entire life. She hated the idea that she could die giving birth and she might subject her child to the
same fate she’d been dealt. Victoria refused to do it.
She had made a point to skip the tree trimming part of the evening. Since she wasn’t family, she didn’t want to intrude. Hopefully they had already finished decorating the tree. The ball would start soon, so she believed they had to be done. Victoria slipped into the ballroom. They were all gathered by the tree looking at their handiwork, and the evergreen was indeed lovely. A gorgeous crystal angel sat on top of it as if staring down at them all in approval.
William held his niece in his arms. She had her head on his shoulder and her eyes were closed. Vivian must have fallen asleep. Julian walked over to him and held his arms out. He took the sleeping girl from William’s arms and headed toward her.
“Where have you been hiding?” he asked. He adjusted his daughter so she rested more comfortably. “Brianne was looking for you earlier.”
“Nowhere,” she said and smiled at him. “I’ll find her in a bit.” She gestured toward the bundle he carried. “Are you taking Vivian to bed.”
“She insisted she wasn’t tired,” he said and then sighed. “But of course she was. William took over and kept her entertained until she dropped to sleep in his arms. He’s going to make a great father one day—that is if he ever finds a woman willing to marry him.” Julian winked. “I’ll be back in a little bit.”
Julian exited the ballroom and Victoria moved farther in. William glanced at her but didn’t make a move toward her. Had she completely ruined any chance she had with him. She swallowed the lump in her throat. Should she go to him? No. Maybe this was for the best. He deserved a woman who would give him a family. That wasn’t her. It didn’t matter that she loved him. She would be selfish if she married him. Julian was right. William would make a great father. Victoria was too terrified of having children to marry him.
“There you are.” Brianne rushed over to her and engulfed her in a hug. “You missed the best part. Isn’t the tree gorgeous?” She swung her arm toward it, then glanced back at Victoria. “My, that dress is perfect for you. I bet you will have lots of dance partners tonight.”
“I don’t know about that…” Victoria wiped her hands against her dress. She glanced around the room. Maybe she could find a dark corner to hide in. She never thought she’d long for a few injured soldiers to care for instead. At least in a hospital she knew her place.
“Trust me,” Brianne said. “You’ll have lots of gentlemen clamoring to dance with you.” She nodded in the direction behind her then leaned down to whisper, “I think my brother might be at the head of the line too.”
She would not look at William. She wouldn’t. Drat. She really wanted to glance at him. He was oh, so handsome. His evening attire made him even more delicious, the dark tuxedo emphasizing his lean frame. She wanted to go over to him and run her hands over his chest. “I don’t know what you mean.”
“No need to be coy,” Brianne said. “I heard you had an outing with him the other day. It would be wonderful if he took a liking to you. He needs to settle down with someone. I’d prefer to like the woman he chooses to marry, and I do adore you.”
Victoria sighed. “William isn’t going to marry me.”
“How do you know?” She narrowed her gaze. “Don’t tell me he offered something scandalous. I’ll punch him in the gut if he did.”
“No,” she said and shook her head vigorously. “It’s not that.” How the hell was she going to distract Brianne from this topic? “He didn’t offer anything of the sort. That’s not it at all. I meant to say I’m never marrying. I am sure William will find a nice woman to settle down with, but it isn’t going to be me.”
Brianne stared at her as if she’d grown an extra appendage of some sort. Then she smiled at her as if she knew something Victoria didn’t. “All right. I’ll let you keep your secrets for now. Come and look at the tree with me. I want to show you all the ornaments and tell you the story of our traditions. You might find them interesting.”
She let Brianne lead her to the tree. Victoria blew out a breath she hadn’t realized she had been holding. Brianne had let go of her notions about William and her far easier than expected. Maybe now she could relax and enjoy the evening…
Chapter 11
Music filled the ballroom with one of Tetzlaff’s violin sonatas. William searched the ballroom and met Victoria’s gaze. She was standing with his sister. He moved toward her, intending to dance with her. They had been avoiding each other most of the evening, and it was time to put an end to it. He’d made a decision that concerned her. They’d dance, and then he’d lead her away from the ballroom so they could have a conversation in private.
When he reached her, he held out his hand to her. Victoria glanced down at it and then back up to meet his gaze. She nibbled on her bottom lip. Was she considering saying no? Surely she wouldn’t be rude. He didn’t think she would be, but there was always a first time. Slowly, she lifted her hand to his. He clasped it and then led her to the floor. During the first turn around the floor, they stayed silent. William basked in the joy of holding her even if it was a simple dance in front of all the guests at the ball. He wanted to claim the right to hold her whenever the need arose. He wanted her. William needed her. She was more important to him than anything else.
With her, he could be himself without worrying she might think less of him. There was no reason to wear the mask society expected him to with her. Fear had no place between them, and there was no reason to pretend to be someone else. With her, everything just made sense.
He had to break the silence. If they were going to move forward in the direction he wanted them to, they had to start somewhere. He wanted it to be here, now, on the eve of Christmas. It was veering close to a time of new beginnings. They deserved a second chance. It had been earned in the sacrifices they made during the war, and their love had been reborn with their reunion. He believed it was stronger, better, impenetrable. All he had to do was convince her of what he knew deep down inside of him. They belonged together.
“You’re beautiful tonight,” he said. His voice was husky and filled with all the emotions rolling through him. He couldn’t stop them from leaking through, and he didn’t really want to. “You’re always beautiful to me. That dress though…” He glanced down in at it in the limited space available to view it. “…is spectacular.”
Victoria met his gaze boldly, not wavering once. “Thank you.”
William wanted to pull her closer…to kiss her, but this wasn’t the time or place. Later, he promised himself. When he managed to find a secluded place. The music echoed through the room, urging the dance on. He twirled Victoria effortlessly. It almost seemed like it was only the two of them as the signs of the other dancers drifted away. He could pretend no one else existed. “Why didn’t you come to the tree trimming?”
She smiled softly, almost apologetically. “I’m not family.”
“You’re wrong,” he insisted. “You’re every bit a part of my family. You’re mine, and therefore you belong.” William hadn’t meant for that to come out. He couldn’t let her believe she wasn’t important. He fully intended to spend the rest of his days with her. Convincing her of that inevitability was the hard part.
She lifted her chin defiantly. “Don’t I have a say in who I belong to?”
“Yes,” he said inflexibly. “As long as you’re ready to admit what we both know is true.”
She lifted a brow. “That doesn’t leave me much room to make a choice now, does it?” Victoria sighed. “You can’t always have your way. You do realize that, don’t you?”
“Of course,” William readily agreed. “No one can win in every aspect of their lives. In this I intend to. I allowed you to walk away without a fight before. That was my mistake. I fully intend to rectify that error now.” He tilted his head to the side. “Can you honestly look me in the eyes and tell me you don’t feel the same way?”
They whirled around the floor. The violin sonata was in the last measures. Soon the dance would come to an end, a
nd he had to be in a place he could lead her away from the ballroom. There were doors leading out to the back gardens on the far wall. It would be chilly, but they would be afforded a certain amount of privacy there. He’d do his best to keep her warm while they talked.
“I...” She swallowed hard. “It’s best we don’t speak of it.”
It was his turn to lift a questioning brow. “Why not?” He leaned a little closer and whispered, “Are you afraid?”
Victoria trembled in his arms. William didn’t believe she was afraid of him, but of what her emotions meant. The woman he adored beyond all reason wasn’t a coward. She was brave and resilient. Life had made her cautious though, and love had never been something she could rely upon. He would teach her that his love for her was the one thing she would never have to doubt. William had failed her once; he would not do so ever again.
They reached the edge of the dance floor as the music hit a crescendo. He used the furor of the dancers to make a hasty exit, leading her out to the doors. William turned the knob and pushed it open. A cold breeze washed over him cooling his heated skin. He guided Victoria out of the door, and into the darkness of the night sky, then pushed the door closed with the side of his foot.
“Why are we out here?” she asked. She lifted her hands and rubbed the chill off of her bare arms.
William slipped his jacket off and placed it around her shoulders. “We need some time alone. This seemed like the best solution.”
Her teeth chattered. “I hope not for long. I’m not dressed for this frigid temperature.”
“That depends on how long you intend to be stubborn.” He moved so he towered over her. She lifted her chin to meet his gaze. “I have a gift for you.” He had several actually, but he’d start with this one.
“You do?” Surprise reverberated through her voice.