by Dawn Brower
“You’re wrong,” he said and stepped toward her. “You are courageous. I should never have called you a coward.” He caressed her cheek with his fingertips, wiping away the tears she couldn’t stop from falling. “You’re still here. Someone less daring would have already ran back to England. I’m…frustrated.”
“I’m sorry.” Her lips trembled as she spoke. “I never wanted to cause you any pain. I…” Victoria glanced away. “At the time, it seemed kinder to sever ties with you, but if I am being honest with you and myself… I was afraid. I couldn’t bear the thought of losing you to the violence of war.” She couldn’t say more than that. “I started to care too much, and I thought it best to end it before it became something more intense.”
“Are you saying you don’t have strong feelings for me?” He had a stricken expression on his face. Victoria hated causing him any sort of pain. She disliked that she felt any of this turmoil was necessary. She glanced into his eyes and lost herself in those blue depths.
She’d always been drawn to him, and now was no different. William had always been ever so handsome. With his sun-streaked brown hair and blue eyes… His handsome physique had always appealed to her.
“Do you speak of love?” She lifted a brow. “We should be open with each other, should we not?”
He was taken aback at her words. “I’d much prefer some honesty. I’d like to believe I deserve it.”
“Do you?” She tilted her head to the side. There was only one way to steer him in a different direction. She sighed. “I had hoped to avoid such a conversation. It seemed unkind to dredge up our past. I did have feelings for you, but they never developed beyond warm affection.” She glanced away, unable to meet his gaze.
“I don’t believe you,” he said. “There was much more than that between us.” His cheeks flushed red. She wasn’t sure if it was from anger or embarrassment.
Victoria stepped back. She had to put some distance between them. “This conversation is over.” She put her foot in the stirrup and then lifted herself into the saddle. Once she was seated properly, she lifted the reins and pressed her knee into the horse. It bolted into a light canter on command.
“Wait,” William yelled.
Tears were flowing freely down her cheeks. She hated herself. Maybe she should leave before Christmas. It wasn’t right that she stayed and disrupted his time with his family. She didn’t belong there. Another horse galloped next to hers. She glanced over, but everything was blurry through her tears. It was William. It had to be. Who else would have bothered to come after her? He reached over and grabbed the reins. Both horses slowed, and Victoria started to slide in the saddle. She couldn’t find her balance and slid off the horse. She hit the ground hard. At least the horse hadn’t been running when she fell; however, that didn’t stop the pain from shooting through her side.
William jumped from his horse and strode over to her. “Are you all right?” Victoria groaned in pain. William pulled her into his arms and rocked back and forth. “I’m sorry. Please forgive me for my stupidity. I never should have taken control of the reins as I had.”
“It’s all right.” She didn’t hold him at fault. “I shouldn’t have run away from you.” Again. Victoria kept doing that. “It’s difficult for me to face my own failures.”
He held her flush against him. Her body heated and flutters spread throughout her entire body. Being so close to him brought desire she’d thought long buried. She fooled herself into thinking she’d erased her ardent needs. The reason she’d been able to ignore that side of herself was because distance between William and her. Now that he was near, her desire came back in droves.
“We can talk later. We need to get you back to the house. I’ll have a physician sent for.” He stood and reached down for her. “Can you walk? Should I carry you?” He glanced at the horses. “Do you think you can ride?”
She lifted her hand and said, “Help me to my feet.”
Once she was upright she smoothed her skirts down. “A physician is unnecessary. I’m quite all right.”
“I’d feel more comfortable if you were examined.”
“Well,” she began. “It’s not up to you. You have no authority over me.”
His nostrils flared. “Victoria,” he said her name so softly it was almost like a caress. “Please.”
She didn’t meet his gaze. “I should be able to ride.”
He reached for her and pulled her into his arms, then lifted her chin with his thumb and forefinger. “Will you ever stop fighting me?”
“I’m not,” she insisted.
“Words don’t seem to be sinking into that obstinate mind of yours.” He placed his hand at the curve of her back and closed what little distance remained between them. “Perhaps I need to do something that will gain your attention. Something you can’t ignore no matter how hard you try.”
She wiggled in his arms. Victoria had a bad feeling he was going to kiss her. If William did that, he was right. She wouldn’t be able to disregard him or what existed between them so easily. “Don’t,” she begged. “Let me go.”
“I will,” he said. “But not until we settle this once and for all.” He leaned down and pressed his lips to hers. Heat enveloped her. The world melted around her, and the only thing that remained was him and her. His lips were soft at first…coaxing. She sighed and opened to him willingly. Then their passion erupted. Victoria never wanted to stop kissing him. If this was the last thing she ever did, she’d die happy. How could she have denied herself this pleasure?
He moved his hand to the center of her back. William ran his fingertips over her spine through the velvet fabric of her dress. Chills followed in the wake of his caress. If she didn’t put a stop to this, she’d beg him to make love to her on the cold grass. It might even be worth it. Oh, how she loved this man…
She pulled back. “William…” His name came out breathy. “We need to stop.”
“I don’t want to.” He leaned his forehead against hers. “I know we should. I’ve missed you so. Please, I beg you. Give this thing between us a chance.”
“I…” She sighed. “I want to. I do. I don’t know if I can.”
“What is preventing you from being with me? Whatever it is, I’ll make it go away. Tell me,” he demanded. A vein popped out of his neck as he attempted to control his emotions.
“Nothing but my own reservations.” How could she explain? “We don’t know each other. I sometimes wonder if we ever did.”
“Then perhaps it is time for us to rectify that mistake. We have time to learn everything there is about each other. At least the parts we are not already familiar with. Spend the day with me tomorrow. I promise to answer any question you might have.”
Victoria nibbled on her bottom lip. Should she? “All right. I’ll give you one day to change my mind. I might even extend the same offer to you.”
His face lit up with the most brilliant smile. “You won’t regret it.”
She hoped she wouldn’t. William helped her back on her horse and they rode back to Lilimar in silence. Tomorrow would either be a disaster or the best thing that ever happened to her. Victoria prayed it would be better than she could imagine…
Chapter 9
William was ecstatic that Victoria had agreed to spend the day with him. He planned on showing her every nook and cranny of Lilimar. He hoped that, if he couldn’t entice her to stay with the offer of his love, perhaps he could make her fall for his home instead.
He had a picnic basket packed with cold ham, bread, cheese, wine, and fresh fruit. William wanted to entice every single one of her senses. This was his one chance, and he would not waste it. He picked up the basket and carried it to the foyer where they agreed to meet. When he arrived, his heart skipped a beat. She was so lovely. Victoria wore a blue velvet walking dress. Her blonde hair was pinned up into a simple chignon. A stray lock escaped and curved around her cheek. He resisted the urge to push it behind her ear. He didn’t want to frighten her away before their d
ay even began. William held his hand out to her. “Are you ready to depart?”
She smiled. “I am. What do you have planned?” Victoria motioned to the picnic basket. “Will we be away for the entire day?”
“That is what you agreed to, is it not?” He lifted a brow. “Or have you had a change of heart?” William feared she would find a reason to run from him again. If she did… He wouldn’t let her go so easily this time. Her reasons might have seemed ridiculous to him, but they were real for her. So during the war, he’d respected them because he didn’t have much choice. He had a duty, and so had she. Now though… He’d chase after her no matter how long it took. He would win her heart. Chances were he already had. It wasn’t her love he doubted so much as her ability to take a leap of faith. They could have something wonderful if she allowed herself to accept it.
Her cheeks flushed pink. She parted her lips and let out a breath. He hadn’t realized she’d been holding it in. When she spoke, there was no hesitation. “I have not. Please lead the way.”
He headed to the front door and opened it, then gestured for her to exit first. After she went past him, he followed behind her, carrying the basket. A car had been brought to the front. He opened the passenger door for her and assisted her inside. Once she was settled in, he placed the basket in the back of the car, then went to the driver side.
“Where are we going?” she asked.
“You’ll see,” he answered cryptically.
There were certain parts of Lilimar that they couldn’t reach by car. She’d seen one of his favorite places on the plantation the day before. Now he wanted to take her to a secluded area. He had no wish to be disturbed. If they stayed anywhere near the house, one of his family members would interrupt and then he might lose her. William needed her, and he intended for her to see how much. Today was about them and what they could have together. He had to convince her to give him a chance.
He drove down the long driveway and then turned down a private road that led to the area he had in mind. Victoria stayed silent as he weaved the car down the long path. She kept her gaze focused on the window and the scenery outside the car. William made another turn. The road was flanked by trees on both sides. They came to the end of the drive, and he put the car in park then killed the engine. There was a small cabin that sat near a pond. This was his place. It was quiet and secluded from the world.
“What is this place?” she asked.
“At one time, it was a hunting lodge,” he told her. “Now it is my retreat. When I need time to myself I come here. It’s been a while since I found time to visit, so it isn’t stocked with much. I’m afraid it is quite…rustic. There is no electricity or running water.”
“How charming,” she said. Her lips twitched, and a smile slipped onto her lovely face. “Are we to dine by candlelight as well?”
“It’s a possibility,” he replied. William flashed her a wicked smile. “Though I thought it might be nice for us to sit outside by the pond for a bit. We can eat there on a blanket. Unless you prefer to go inside.”
“That sounds lovely,” she answered.
William opened the car door and stepped out. He went around to the passenger side and opened Victoria’s door, then assisted her out of the car. “Let me show you around the cabin. We can leave the basket in the car until we’re ready to eat.”
“All right,” she said and held her hand out to him. He took it and placed it in the crook of his arm.
William led her to the cabin door, then reluctantly let go of her arm. He pushed his hand into his inside pocket and pulled out a key, then unlocked the cabin door. “Please, come inside.” She brushed past him as she entered his refuge. He wanted to pull her into his arms again. To kiss her as he had yesterday, but refrained. Hopefully, he’d be able to kiss her again soon. If he had his way, he definitely would before the day was out.
He hadn’t lied when he said the cabin was rustic. Comfortable amenities were scarce in the cabin. There were exactly three rooms in the cabin: a kitchen with a wood burning stove, a bedroom with a small bed that would barely fit two people, and a sitting room of sorts. An old threadbare settee sat near the hearth. One window was on the far side of the sitting area that let sunlight into the cabin. It wasn’t enough to light up the entire room though. “If you want, I can light some candles.”
“Perhaps later,” she said. “It’s rather cozy in here.” She rubbed her arms as she spoke.
“Are you cold?” he asked. William didn’t wait for her to answer. He went to the hearth and placed wood inside, then grabbed the tinderbox to start a fire. He fanned the small flame until the wood was engulfed and warmth spread around him.
“I would have been fine without the fire,” she said. “I’m not a wilting flower. You forget we didn’t always have such luxuries during the war. I’ve survived in the cold before.”
“But you shouldn’t have to now.” He came to his feet and pulled her into his arms. “I don’t want you to ever suffer if I can help it.”
She glanced away from him. “Some things are not in our control.”
He placed his thumb under her chin and forced her to meet his gaze. “We need to discuss what is bothering you. Tell me why you keep putting walls up between us.”
She stared up at him. Her blue eyes were filled with some unidentifiable emotion. After a moment, she nodded. “You’re right. I’m a stubborn fool, and it’s difficult for me to admit when I am wrong.”
He smiled. “Come and sit with me. Tell me everything that scares you.”
They strolled over to the settee. Once they were settled, she turned to him. “When we met, I never imagined we would become so…involved. I thought it would be a passing fancy. It was war. Romance seemed impossible. In some ways, I still believe that.” She shook her head slightly. “Who falls in love when the world is falling apart around them?”
He smiled. “People do. Just because tragedy is in abundance doesn’t mean people lose hope or the ability to find time for happiness, even if it is in small moments.”
“I couldn’t accept that,” she said. The color drained out of her face, and she glanced away from him. “There is a lot about my life I never told you.”
“Tell me now.” William needed to understand. He needed to. “I want to know everything about you.”
She patted his hand. “You might regret that.”
“Never,” he insisted.
“I’m not sure where to start.” Victoria blew out a breath. “I know the beginning.” Her voice shook a little. “I suppose that is my birth. Isn’t that how everyone’s life starts?” She chuckled a little. “I never knew my mother. My father took care of me, but he ignored my existence. I still think he blames me for her death. I suppose, technically, that is true. She died giving birth.”
“That’s not your fault…” He ached for her. William wished he could take away her pain and her anxiety. There was nothing he could do other than be there for her. He wanted to pull her into his arms and offer whatever comfort he could, but he suspected she wouldn’t thank him for it. At least not yet…
“It is and it isn’t. Pregnancy always carries some risk.” Victoria shrugged and glanced away from him. “A woman knows there is always a chance she’ll forfeit her life for that of her child. That doesn’t mean she wanted to die or that I am responsible for her death. In my head, I understand all that. In my heart… I ache.”
“That is understandable. She’s your mother.”
He hated that she hurt. William understood why she felt the way she did though. If his mother had died giving birth to him, he’d carry some guilt too. Even if it was nonsensical to feel that way. A person had a right to their emotions. He wanted to find a way to ease her pain. There were no words to erase it though.
“My father is a vicar. He paid more attention to his parishioners than he did to me.” She smiled. “I didn’t mind. They needed him.”
“You needed him.” No wonder she withdrew into herself. She never had anyone to l
ean on or ask for help. “He should have been there for you. How could he have pushed his daughter aside for strangers?”
“I wouldn’t call them strangers,” she said. “They were neighbors, and he knew them all well.”
“Still…” William would never push one of his children away for any reason. He closed his eyes and imagined having a son or daughter with Victoria. Then the unimaginable crossed his mind—losing her and being left to raise that fictitious child alone. The pain seared his heart. It would be difficult, but he’d set that grief aside for their child. “If he loved your mother, then he would have done his best to be a wonderful father to you. How can you make excuses for his neglect?”
“Because he was my father. I loved him despite his flaws.” She shrugged. “He died, and I have no one left.”
“I’m sorry,” he said. She’d had a difficult life, and there was nothing he could do to change that. He could help make her future better. “Tell me why this has anything to do with why you’re pushing me away.”
“I don’t want a marriage or children.” Her voice was flat as she spoke. “I cannot risk my heart. The idea of suffering through any more loss is terrifying.” She glanced away from him. “I don’t want children. The idea of being pregnant makes me hyperventilate.”
William had always wanted children. Not having them seemed wrong somehow. That wasn’t a determining element for him though. If he had to choose between having a child and having Victoria, there was no decision to make. “Is that why you pushed me away? You’re afraid to have children?”
“That isn’t all of it,” she said. “But it is a large part of it. I can’t commit to you or any man. You have a large family, and I won’t deny you a future where you won’t have heirs.”