Trusted by You

by Amy Muscat

  I feel the pain start to radiate through me, my chest burns and my heart is collapsing in on itself. I can feel pins and needles start to tingle from my toes all the way up to the tips of my fingers, and I feel goosebumps form on my arms, indicating the coldness running through me.

  If it weren’t for the pounding in my head, and the sound of my blood rushing in my ears, I would have said that my body had frozen. If one’s blood freezes, then it doesn’t circulate through the body and the heart fails… Well, that’s what it feels like anyway; my heart was failing.

  I'd never known heartbreak before. I had seen it, numerous times through friends and family, on TV and in movies, but I had never felt it. And if this is what it feels like, I never want to be in love with someone… but it was too late. I already was, and he had broken me into pieces. Teeny-tiny pieces. I don’t think even the best surgeon in the fucking universe would be able to put me back together again- sort of like Humpty Dumpty.

  And all of this is because of one man. One man that I loved- that I thought loved me!

  It was fourteen words that broke me two days ago. Two pictures worth two thousand words that completely shattered me not even two minutes ago. And it was six words that I spoke out loud right now that seemed to echo around my living room and steel my resolve to forgo men in the future…

  “Fuck you, Blake Walker. Fuck you.”

  “GIVE ME ANOTHER,” I tell the bartender. He gives me a sideway glance, but at my glare he nods his head and fetches me my drink: three fingers of Jim Beam. “Actually, give me two of those, please.”

  With another weary nod, he picks up another glass and pours out my extra drink.

  I’d touched down in the U.S two days ago. I wasn’t even going to bother taking my bag back to my apartment; I would have just preferred to come to the first bar I had come across, but thought better of it. And I’d been drinking since.

  When I’d been on the plane, I’d had a couple Jack Daniels and coke, but when I’d asked them for just straight JD, they refused telling me they were not going to serve me anymore because I was already halfway pissed. Well, they didn’t say it quite like that but you get my drift.

  My ass was numb, but I didn’t care; it was apparently connected to my heart because that was numb too. I'd been at Oliver’s Bar since three o’clock this afternoon, and it was now… eight-thirty. Well, I'm pretty sure that’s what the clock on the wall above the cash register was saying, I couldn’t be too sure, I was seeing two of everything right now.

  I was as drunk as ten men, but I just didn’t care…

  I couldn’t believe what had happened in London. I couldn’t believe Lottie had done that to me. Couldn’t even comprehend that she had done that. After everything I had shared with her, she does this. I had finally allowed myself to get close to another woman, to let my shield down, to fucking trust another woman, and look what she ended up doing! She fucked another man… just like Lucy did. I was distraught. Absolutely fucking distraught. I never thought Lottie–my Lottie– would ever do that to me. This woman had made me think I could believe in relationships again. She had made me trust her– she had made me fall in love with her!

  No… I thought shaking my head in anguish. I had foolishly let myself fall in love with another lying cheating, woman. Well… never again. Never a-fucking-gain.

  The barstool next to me scraping on the tiled floor, and the bartender placing my two drinks in front of me, snaps me out from my thoughts.

  I give the man supplying me alcohol a nod in thanks, but I don’t look at the person who just sat next to me. I know it’s a woman; I can smell her heavy perfume. It made my nose crinkle in distaste.

  I take a sip of the Beam, no longer feeling the sharp burning pain I did when I first started drinking it when I heard a voice that made my whole body stiffen. A voice that I really didn’t want to hear right now, a voice that belonged to a body I wasn’t meant to see until next week… great.

  “I'll have the same, please.” From the corner of my eye, I see her lean into me. Fucks sake. “Hi Blake,” she purrs.

  I swing my head to the right and see Lucy in all her, short skirt and a cropped belly top, glory. I huffed a laugh with no humor in it. Isn’t this ironic?

  I'm sitting here, drunk. Thinking about the woman who’s just broke my heart by cheating on me. Then I think about the woman who cheated on me all those years ago; who just happens to walk into the one bar out of fucking thousands in New York City that I'm sitting in.

  Great, just my fucking luck.

  “What d’you want, Lucy?” I ask her angrily. I didn’t want her here, sitting next to me, and talking to me like we were fucking buddies… we weren’t; and never will be. “How’d you know where I was any way…?”

  “I was coming to your apartment–”

  “Why were you going to my apartment?” I asked her in confusion.

  “I was going there to talk to you about next week, and you being in my protective detail, but then as I was about to cross the street; I saw you sitting here. On your own… looking lonely… upset… and drunk…”

  I snorted. Of course, I looked upset and lonely. For one, I was sitting on my own so I would look lonely. And two, I was upset; my girlfriend who I was in love with, the one I had flown to England for, had ended up cheating on me… just like the woman did sitting next to me did.

  I snorted once more. Fuck me, I was a sad cunt sitting here wallowing in self-pity over another woman.

  “What the fuck do you care?” I asked her nastily. “Just fuck off and leave me alone, Lucy; I don’t need the likes of you being around me right now.”

  I see her flinch and watch as a hurt expression cross her face. “There's no need to be an asshole, Blake, I was just asking how you were feeling. Jeez.”

  “Oh don’t sit there and give me attitude… I really don’t want nor do I need to hear it,” I tell her.

  “I'm not… it’s not– for gods sake Blake, I'm just trying to be nice here.” She tells me, blowing out a frustrated breath.

  I shrug. Who cares? “Well, I don’t want you being nice to me… I just want to be left on my own, Lucy, so just go home or somewhere else… I don’t care where, but just get away from me. Please…” I whisper at the end, wanting no needing to be on my own.

  “Is this… is this about your girlfriend…? Lottie, right?” I hear the hateful tone in her voice. Clearly she didn’t like Lottie very much.

  I flinch when she says Lottie's name. There was a reason why I had left my cell phone at my apartment; I didn’t want to see or hear from anyone. Especially Keller. As much as I loved the man like a brother, I knew he would try and persuade me to go and talk it out with Lottie. That was Keller; he was a problem, solver. He didn’t like confrontation. That just wasn’t his personality. He would say something like it was a mistake blah blah blah… and I just really didn’t feel like listening to that shit right now.

  “Ahh. So it does have something to with her. What’d she do?” She asks with a curious lilt to her tone. “She refuse to give you a blowjob or something? I remember how much you liked those…”

  “She cheated on me,” I snapped at her. I watch her eyes widen in surprise. “Fuck,” I hiss. I hadn’t meant to say that. Wasn’t meant to say anything at all, but it just slipped out.

  Lucy leans back in the barstool in complete shock. Her mouth parts open, but I talk before she can say anything. “Don’t. Don’t say anything. I don’t want to fucking hear it, Lucy.”

  “I wasn’t–”

  “Yeah, you were,” I say tiredly, my energy levels dropping. “But the thing is, Luce, you can't say anything; you did the same thing.”

  She drops her eyes, and I watch as she starts to pick at the wood on the old bar. Nervous habit. She always used to chew on her nails or she would pick at something when she was nervous about something. “I was going to say that I'm sorry.”

  “Why would you be sorry? You didn’t make her fuck someone else, did you? Apparently I'm a magne
t for cheating sluts.” I say spitefully.

  “Blake,” she says hurt. Well, fuck her. Fuck the lot of them.

  “I don’t want to hear it, Luce. She did the same as you did to me, but she only took one dick; you took two. That’s the only difference between the two of you. Other than that, there's nothing else that separates the both of you.” I pick up my drink, shoot it back and then grab the other and shoot that one back, too. I raise my hand and the bartender comes over, not even trying to dispute it this time, and pours me out my two drinks. I tell him thanks and look back at Lucy, who’s still sitting there.

  What sort of person would willingly sit and listen while another was slating them? Why would you do that to yourself? I snorted again. Lucy apparently.

  Women, I think shaking my head, who can understand them?

  “Before you verbally abuse me anymore, will you just hear me out?” She looked desperate, so I reluctantly nodded my head. Let's hear what she had to say. “I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for what I did to you back then, I shouldn’t have ever done that. It was stupid, so very stupid of me, and I regret it every single day, Blake. Every day. I hate that I know what seeing me does to you. I know you loved me back then. Yes, you might say that it was young love or whatever, but it was still love, and I still hurt you. Hurt you badly. And I'm so fucking sorry for that, so sorry,” she says repeating over and over how sorry she is.

  I don’t know if it was my drunken mind, or maybe I just felt a little sorry for her, but I shook my head at her and told her to stop.

  She looks up with unshed tears, begging me with her eyes for forgiveness. I could see it. Could see the truth in her eyes; could see how much she regretted it. I reached over and laid my hand on top of hers, and told her to not worry about it. That it was forgiven but not forgotten.

  As I said, I don’t know if it was my drunken mind that allowed me to say these things, or it was just because I felt sorry for her. She did look pathetic…

  She looked up at me with a look so grateful, that I couldn’t help but laugh and raise my glass, and tap it to hers in cheers.

  “OH GOD,” I GRUNT.

  The sun was beaming on my face, and my eyes were burning behind my closed lids. My head was thumping. It felt like there was a drummer’s convention going on in there. I felt hot, and my body felt worn out.

  Fuck me… what was I drinking last night? No, scratch that; what have I been drinking for the last couple of days?

  I groan, most probably three bottles of Jim Beam. Urgh, just thinking about that was making me feel sick. I rolled over to get out of bed, but another body stopped me.

  What…?

  I froze. Who the fuck was in bed with me…? Slowly, consciously thinking of my pounding head, I opened my eyes. What I saw there made my blood freeze and caused my body to stiffen.

  Lucy.

  Lucy was lying in my bed.

  Lucy was lying in my bed naked.

  Fucking naked.

  I quickly rolled back over, shoved my hand beneath the covers, hoping, praying, that I still had my boxers on. When I felt no barrier between my dick and my hand, I thought I was going to be sick. No, scratch that; I was going to be sick. I could feel the bile start to rise up and hurriedly rushed to the bathroom.

  I didn’t get there in time, my still drunken body didn’t know how to co-ordinate with my feet, and I spewed up over the bathroom floor. It wasn’t pretty. After I had retched, I flipped up the toilet seat and continued for a couple of minutes. Once I was finished and all that was coming up was gasps of air, I stood up and opened the bathroom window to get the funky smell out of the air. Then I grabbed a towel and started cleaning the sick off of the floor.

  I so needed to hire a cleaner…

  Once that was finished, I jumped into the shower and washed away three days of grime and alcohol. Then I brushed my teeth, scrubbing away the bitter after-taste of sick.

  When I finished, I dried myself and wrapped the towel around my hips before walking back into my room.

  I had completely forgotten about Lucy being in my bed naked until I saw her sitting up, tits hanging, and a big smile on her face when she saw me.

  “Hi baby,” she chirps.

  Her voice sends cold shivers down my spine. It was a voice I hadn’t woken up to for five long years. It was a voice I never wanted to wake up to ever again.

  “What the fuck, are you doing here?” I ask her rudely.

  “What…?” She whispers in shock. “Don’t you… don’t you remember last night?” She asks me questions back instead of answering mine.

  No, I didn’t… I think sighing to myself. What the fuck happened last night?

  I close my eyes trying to remember what had conspired last night, but I kept on coming up blank. The last thing I remember is sitting in Oliver’s and drinking myself into oblivion, and then nothing… no! I do remember some more of last night. I remember sitting at the bar and then hearing the barstool scraping next to me. And I remember Lucy sitting next to me, her apologizing to me for what she had done to me five years ago. Oh fuck… I remember telling her about Lottie… and what she had did to me.

  It was like a movie flashing through my head– a fucking horror movie. Image after image flash from behind my eyes, and I end up wincing in horror. Lucy and I sitting at the bar clinking glasses. Lucy and I knocking Beam back like there was no tomorrow. Lucy and I dancing… Lucy and I getting profusely drunk… and then nothing.

  Goddamnit!

  I open my eyes and look over to Lucy. “Tell me what happened last night!”

  “We made love Blake,” she replies, her eyes glowing with… something. Happiness? Joy? I don’t know, but I could practically taste her glee.

  “No…” I breathe.

  “Yes, yes we did, Blake. It was beautiful… you– you really don’t remember it?” She asks with a wobble in her voice. She looks hurt, but I don’t care; I need her out of my apartment like yesterday.

  “No, I don’t. I need you to go. Now,” I growl at her.

  “But Blake…”

  “Get the fuck out Lucy.” I watch as a tear slips out of her right eye, but I didn’t give a shit. “NOW!” I shout, totally enraged.

  She jumps and hurries to get dressed, and within minutes she is decent again–well sort of– and rushes out of my apartment wiping at her face.

  “Fuck…” I whisper to my suddenly quiet apartment. I run my hands down my face, feeling the stubble itch my hands. “Fuck,” I repeat.

  I couldn’t believe I had sex with Lucy last night. Just the thought of it made me want to go and have another shower. All of a sudden, I feel bile start to come up again, and I rush back to the bathroom; this time I made it to the toilet in time.

  AN HOUR LATER, I had showered, brushed my teeth again, and was just finishing off my greasy breakfast when I heard the sound of my cell ringing.

  Frowning I make my way into my room where the insistent ringing is coming from. I thought I had left my phone switched off, so how was it ringing now?

  I find it on the bedside table, on the side that Lucy slept on. But I clearly remember leaving it on my bureau. So how did it end up over here…?

  I pick it up and see it was Keller calling me. I groan… great.

  “Hello?” I answer.

  “Man… what the fuck have you done?” Keller's tired voice asks me.

  “What?”

  “I said what have you done, Blake? How could you do that to Lottie, man? I never thought you would ever cheat on someone, especially after what was done to you…” Keller trails off now sounding angry.

  “Me?” I snap at him. How dare he? I was the one who was cheated on. Not fucking her! Wait… how did he know about last night? “Hold one a second here, Keller, but how can you ask me those questions? She fucking cheated on me. She did! Not me. And how the fuck do you know about last night?”

  I listen to him breathing heavily down the line, before I hear his voice. “Because Lucy sent Lottie pictures of the two of you in bed t
ogether. Naked. Naked Blake. That’s how I fucking know. She’s in a state Blake, I can't believe you did that,” Keller says down the line.

  “She’s in a state? What about me Keller? I'm fucking heartbroken, man. Completely heartbroken,” my voice cracks halfway through my sentence, and I tell myself to stop acting like a damn pussy.

  “Blake, let me just ask you something before we go any further with this conversation. Where has your cell phone been for the past three days?”

  I sighed. Why did it matter? “In my apartment: I didn’t want any distractions.”

  “Distractions from what?”

  “From getting drunk and trying to forget about Lottie!” I hiss down the line to him. He was starting to get on my nerves now. Best friend of not, he had no right to tell me–

  “Blake… did you not get any of our texts?”

  “No,” I say tiredly. “I haven’t looked at my phone since I touched down in New York, Keller, what's the big deal?”

  “Bud… you need to read the texts, like right now. You’ve got everything wrong, Blake. That man you saw Lottie with?”

  “Yeah,” I say through clenched teeth. I really didn’t want to think about that douchebag. The only satisfaction I got from that whole trip was punching the prick. But as I start to fantasize about how much I would love to go back to England just to hit him again, Keller says one sentence that makes my blood freeze. My heart starts to beat like a motherfucker, and my soul shatters in regret…

  “Blake, that man was her cousin. She never cheated on you, bud.”

  No… No, no, no, no. NO!!