Past Secrets, Present Love

by Lois Richer

  “Then of course we won’t go,” she rasped, her voice merging into a dry cough. “I guess Lindsay Morrow was right. I am run-down.”

  The whistling kettle cut off what Ross wanted to say and by the time he had her chubby brown teapot filled with hot water and two tea bags from the decorative tin on the counter, Kelly was nowhere to be seen.

  Ross carried the pot and two big mugs into her den. While he waited for her to reappear, he lit a fire and poked and prodded it until it began to blaze. The flames cast a golden glow on the room while adding a warmth and comfort he’d also found at Sandra’s.

  Kelly appeared in the doorway moments later and Ross saw the panic in her eyes before she lowered her eyelids.

  “Thank you very much for making the tea and lighting the fire,” she said huskily, sinking into the big armchair nearest the fire. “This is exactly right.”

  She’d changed into some kind of velour suit in chocolate brown that made her eyes look bigger than they were and emphasized the golden bronze tones in her hair.

  Ross poured a cup for her, one for himself, then sat down across from her. But she barely glanced at him before she rose, mug in hand.

  “I like my tea with lots of milk,” she murmured. “Can I get some for you, too?”

  He shook his head, watched her pad from the room, her slippered feet silent on the plush carpet. A moment later she was back.

  “This tea is very good,” she complimented. “Strong but not bitter. It sure hits the spot.”

  “Have you eaten?”

  Kelly made a face. “My stomach is pretty upset. I don’t think I could swallow anything but this tea right now.”

  The lamplight lit her face in such a way that Ross had a full view of her pale face. The hollows beneath her cheekbones were pronounced. “Maybe you should see a doctor. Whatever you’ve got, it’s draining you. You can’t let it drag on, Kelly.”

  “I know. It’s a funny flu. Sometimes I feel perfectly normal and then wham, I’m clammy and shaky and sick. I even have nightmares. Everything tastes funny, too. Except this tea.”

  She drank it greedily, as if parched. When she put her cup onto the table Ross added more tea to it.

  “This time I’ll get the milk,” he promised.

  “There’s not much left. Help yourself to some of that cake, too, if you want. I forgot to take it to work. I seem to have forgotten several things.”

  Ross emptied the tablespoon or so of milk into her mug, then tossed the carton into the garbage, his mind on the almost empty fridge. Even if she’d been able to eat, it looked like she had no food. He pulled out his cell phone.

  “Sandra? The diner’s still open, isn’t it? Good. Can you get someone to make up a couple of plates of whatever the special is and send them over to Kelly’s? No, she’s okay. Well, a little sick. She says it’s the flu.” He listened, nodded. “Yes, maybe you’re right. Okay then, some homemade chicken soup and whatever else you think would do the trick. She wanted to see you, but I told her she was probably contagious. Truthfully, I don’t think she could have managed going out again. She’s pretty weak.”

  A sound from the other room compelled Ross to end the call. He hurried back to the den, found Kelly sitting where he’d left her. She looked to be asleep, but her lips were moving. Ross stepped closer, leaned down to put her tea on the table.

  “Don’t hate me, Mom,” she whispered. “I loved you. You’re my mom, I always love you. Don’t make me go. Please? I tried so hard not to make any mistakes, but things went wrong anyway. Don’t go away, Mom. Mom!”

  “Kelly. It’s just a dream. Wake up now.” Ross gently shook her shoulder, trying to ease her from her terror. Nightmare was right. He was relieved when her eyes finally opened and she looked at him.

  “I don’t want to see her, Ross,” she whispered as tears rolled down her face. “What if she finds out I’m not the person she thinks? What if she tells me to go away?”

  It was like weathering a sucker punch to the gut and Ross couldn’t stand there and watch this beautiful woman suffer any longer. He bent, lifted her into his arms and sat her down on the love seat beside him.

  “Sandra isn’t going to tell you to go away, Kelly. Not ever.” He brushed the damp tendrils away from her forehead, pressed a gentle kiss to her brow. “Why would she? Don’t forget, she’s known Kelly Young for years. She knows what your favorite foods are at the diner, she knows you love the color orange. She watched you change from a little girl to a teenager to a woman.”

  “But I’m not like her. I can’t talk to total strangers like she does in the diner, on the spur of the moment. I could never run a business like the diner. Not in a thousand years. There are too many things going on.”

  “If you’d grown up with it the way Sandra did, you probably could handle the place with one hand tied behind your back.” He couldn’t believe she doubted her own ability. “Anyway, what about your work at Tiny Blessings? That’s a very tough job that I don’t think Sandra could manage. Yet you do it every single day.”

  “And every single day I’m afraid I’ve made the biggest mistake of my life.”

  Her whisper was shockingly revealing. Cool-as-a-cucumber Kelly Young felt vulnerable?

  “Why?” Maybe if he kept her talking…

  “You don’t make the kind of decisions I have to make without a lot of second-guessing. Since I found out…since you told me that Sandra is…that we’re connected—” She paused, shook her head. “You said I was taken away, Ross. That she was talked into giving me away. What if I’ve done the same thing to some poor young girl who didn’t really know her own mind? What if I’ve taken her child from her when in her heart of hearts she wanted desperately to keep it? What if thirty-four years down the road, some woman comes back to tell me her mother made her give up her baby, that she made a mistake and that I made it worse? What then?”

  “Then you’ll deal with it. If and when it happens.” Ross leaned back so he could look directly into her face. “Nobody gets it all right, Kelly. Everybody makes mistakes. You can’t control life, you can’t manage what might happen. You can only live the best you know how.”

  “That’s hard for me.”

  He grinned. “It’s hard for everybody, honey. But we push on anyway.” The sound of the doorbell echoed through the house. “I hope you won’t mind, I took the liberty of having some food delivered. I think you should eat something.”

  He left before she could protest, pulled open the front door and stared.

  “Nothing better than delivery service by the boss.” Sandra smiled at him, patted his cheek. “I’m not worried about contagion, Ross. But I can’t wait any longer. So am I coming in or what?”

  He stepped back automatically, then held out one hand for the sacks she carried, the other for her coat. “She’s in the den. Why don’t you go on in while I set the table in the kitchen.”

  Ross pointed out the direction, then left to take the food to the kitchen. Maybe it wasn’t an ideal circumstance for a meeting, but given what he’d just heard from Kelly, he was glad it had happened this way. Kelly’s doubts were growing exponentially. If she waited much longer, she might change her mind about talking to Sandra at all.

  Surely it would be better for her to face Sandra now—tonight—rather than keep wondering what might happen, right? He hoped so.

  Kelly heard the voices and wondered what was taking so long. She rose, waited for the dizziness to fade, then slid her feet back into her slippers.

  “Ross? Who is—” The words died on her lips as she stared at Sandra Lange.

  “Hello, Kelly. I heard you were ill. I brought some chicken soup and fresh rolls for you. I hope you don’t mind.”

  “That’s very kind of you. Thank you.” She could only stare at the woman who had given her life.

  “Would you rather I left? Don’t be afraid to tell me. I won’t mind.”

  But she would. Kelly could read the hope in her eyes and that immediately sent a tremor of worry throug
h her. Sandra wanted something, that’s why she was here.

  “Why don’t we go to the kitchen?” Sandra suggested. “Ross was going to set the table.”

  “The table? Oh, yes, you said you’d brought food.” Kelly followed her out of the room. “He didn’t have to call you. I could have made something later.”

  “I understand you haven’t been feeling well. Perhaps you should see a doctor?”

  “It’s just the flu.” Kelly shrugged. “One of those bugs you have to work through your system, I guess.” She stopped in the doorway, frowned. “I wouldn’t want to give it to you,” she murmured.

  “You sound just like him.” Sandra glanced at Ross and grinned. “I’m not that delicate. I’ll be fine.”

  “Let’s all sit down. The soup is hot and if you ladies are on a diet or something and can’t eat, I won’t mind. I’m starved.”

  “Missed dinner again?” Sandra guessed.

  “Forgot. I had some things on my mind.” He held Sandra’s chair, then pulled back the one beside it so that Kelly was forced to sit beside her.

  She sat down, tried to figure out what could possibly keep him busy now that his job of finding her was complete. Then it dawned on her.

  “You’re leaving,” she murmured, staring at him.

  “Not just yet. There are a few things I have to finish first. I took on another small job, won’t take me more than a few days to complete.” As he spoke he ladled the soup into bowls. Sandra declined, saying she’d already eaten. “I do have to pack up the apartment, though,” Ross added, and made a face.

  “Let me guess—it’s a mess.” Sandra laughed at his comical look, covered his hand with hers. “Poor Ross.”

  “A mess is an understatement. Another move should be child’s play, I’ve done it so often. You’d think I’d have developed a system with all the moves I’ve made.”

  All the moves he’d made. He made it sound as though he’d rambled around half the country but Kelly had the impression that he’d really only made one move that impacted him personally—the one when he’d left New York.

  “Can I suggest something?” Sandra said, seeming oddly hesitant.

  “All suggestions gratefully appreciated. Great soup, by the way.”

  Kelly tasted hers, surprised to find that her stomach had settled enough to let her taste the delicate flavor of parsley in the chicken broth. But her attention was on those seated on either side of her. She was intrigued by the relationship between Ross and Sandra. He should have been her child, not me, Kelly thought as she watched them. It was obvious he doted on her and that Sandra reciprocated his feelings.

  “I just thought you might want to phone that new maid service that started in town. I’ve heard good things about them.”

  “Thanks.” He winked at Kelly. “She fusses over me as if I were her k—six.”

  An awkward silence fell. Kelly didn’t know what to say to break it. She was probably supposed to make some witty remark about Sandra being her mother but she couldn’t fathom how to say that without it sounding weird.

  “I’m sorry if it’s awkward to have me here, dear. I’ll just go and leave you two to enjoy your food.” Sandra half rose.

  “No, please.” Kelly never knew where the words came from. “I’d like to talk to you, if you’re not too tired or don’t need to be somewhere.”

  “I don’t.” Sandra leaned back against the chair, her face wary. “Did you have some specific things you wanted to talk about?”

  “Kind of. When you had your ba—me, uh—” Kelly gulped, started again “—when you gave birth, you lived here? In Chestnut Grove?”

  “No.” A sad look washed through her eyes. “I was living in Richmond then.”

  Kelly wished she could just let it go and not hurt the poor woman any longer, but then the questions would always be there. She pressed on.

  “Can you tell me about that time?”

  “I came back after the ba—you were gone. I wanted to find you, to raise you myself, but I was broke and alone and no one would tell me anything about you.” Sandra’s eyes brimmed with tears, but she dashed them away and continued. “I had a midwife, you see. Everything was arranged. But after I gave birth, something went wrong. I ended up at Richmond Community Hospital in surgery. I had to have a hysterectomy and when I came out of the surgery, I was so groggy.”

  “I’m sorry. It must have been horrible.” Kelly didn’t know what else to say.

  “It was, but mostly because all I could remember when I woke up the next morning was that I’d signed a form giving you up for adoption. The midwife had taken you and no one knew where. I tried and tried to get in touch with…someone, but he wouldn’t answer my calls.”

  “My father,” Kelly guessed, thinking how strange that sounded. Marcus had always been her father. Or so she’d thought. “I’d like to know who this man was.”

  “I’m sorry, dear. But I can’t tell you that.”

  “You can’t tell me who my birth father is?” A spurt of anger filled her heart. “Can’t or don’t know?” she demanded, then wished she hadn’t taken such a cheap shot.

  Sandra seemed unfazed. “I know who he is, Kelly. But I can’t tell you. I made a promise and I have to keep it.”

  “This isn’t happening.” Kelly pushed away the food as her stomach protested. She hated chaos and yet her whole life was turning into one big twisted knot. “I thought the purpose of our meeting was for me to get some answers. But this is a dead end.”

  “Maybe you could tell her more about that time. Maybe that would help explain why you promised.” Ross’s soft dark gaze was steady on Sandra. Kelly felt a rush of longing for him to look at her like that, as if she were precious, valuable.

  “All right.” Sandra squeezed her eyes closed, then began speaking. “I phoned him and phoned him, begged him to tell me what had happened to you. The one time he actually spoke, he threatened me, told me to leave it alone or I’d regret it.” Her green eyes begged Kelly to understand. “I didn’t know what else to do so when I was released, I came home. I told my parents the whole story and they forgave me, put me to work in the diner. I kept writing letters to everyone I could think of, but no one would help. After a while I had to stop. It wouldn’t have been right to try and come between a child and the family it had bonded to.”

  “You gave up?” Pain sliced through her heart. Her biological mother hadn’t even wanted her enough to keep looking.

  “I never gave up, Kelly. And I never, ever stopped loving you. I always hoped, always prayed I’d find you.” Sandra’s fingers closed around hers. “When I came back here, begged my parents to forgive me and let me come home, I was full of dreams of finding you. I even went to the police, begging them to start an investigation.”

  She paused, drew in a deep breath. Pain and regret clouded her eyes but she continued, though her voice was less steady than it had been.

  “It wasn’t long after that when someone set fire to the Starlight Diner. My mother died in that fire, Kelly.” The tears did fall then. “He’d warned me when I was in Richmond, but I had no idea he’d go to that extreme. It took my mother’s death for me to realize that this man would do anything to stop scandal from touching him. I was afraid he’d hurt my dad and me, if I continued to push about the adoption.”

  “So you stopped.” Her own voice sounded flat, unsympathetic. Kelly felt as if they were talking about some other child who’d been taken, some other mother who’d suffered. She didn’t want to feel the pain underlying Sandra’s soft voice.

  “I didn’t have much choice. There were no leads, no one who could help me, not enough money to hire someone. I had to help my dad run the diner, I couldn’t keep on looking. So I clung to the one hope I had.”

  “Hope?”

  “He’d told me that you’d been adopted by a very loving couple who were living in California. You had parents who dearly loved you. I had to be content with that. So I forced myself to concentrate on doing what I had to. The diner w
as rebuilt and when my father passed on, I inherited it.”

  “You never married?”

  Sandra shook her head, her face drooping with sadness. “I didn’t think it was fair to any man knowing I couldn’t have another child. My parents said that was God’s punishment for my sin. They said that over and over until eventually I believed them.”

  “They sound awfully heartless.”

  “Not really.” Sandra tried to smile. “They just had their beliefs and I trampled them with my willfulness. It wasn’t until I learned for myself that God doesn’t kick us and malign us when we make a mistake that I began to build my own spiritual relationship. God loves us. That was the one good thing that came out of working at the diner. I met a lot of people who helped me figure out that I needed Jesus in my life if I was going to keep from blowing it again.”

  “And you didn’t see my father again?” Kelly thought the question was perfectly straightforward so she was surprised when Sandra didn’t answer right away.

  “I kept track of him, followed his career. But I stayed away from him.”

  “So he’s still in Richmond. But if you were content with your life, if things were going okay, then why—”

  “Why did I hire Ross to find you?”

  Sandra’s bittersweet smile touched a nerve that Kelly didn’t want anyone to see.

  “Cancer does funny things to you, Kelly. You begin to realize what really matters in life.” Her voice softened. “You were on my mind a lot during the past thirty-four years. I’d wake up in the morning and wonder if you were okay, if you ever married, if I had grandchildren. I’d always wished I’d found you, spoken to you, let you know that I didn’t let you go willingly.”

  “But you didn’t.”

  “I was afraid of ruining your life.”

  “And now?”

  “Things changed. Suddenly I was facing the possibility of death and I’d never learned what I most wanted to know—were you all right, were you loved, did you need me? I never told you I loved you.”

  “That’s where I came in, to unravel the past.”