Tantric Coconuts

by Greg Kincaid

  “Yes. Very good,” she answered. “You must listen carefully here. We’re to the crux of this level and the two that succeed it.”

  “Go ahead,” Ted said to Angel. “I’m awake … so to speak.”

  “What you found in meditation and what the fourth grader discovers within herself is that there is something beyond our lowercase ‘self’ or what we think of as ‘me.’ ”

  “You’re referring to the higher self again?” Ted asked.

  Singleton responded. “It’s our uppercase ‘Self’ or, as some describe it, our observing self. It’s the more subtle spiritual side of us that exists but that, until we attain this level of awareness, hibernates in the right side of the brain. It is a part of our soul or our being. The emergence of the essential or true self is the hallmark of the fourth-grade thinker.”

  Like an orchestra transitioning from the string section to the wind instruments, Angel returned to the refrain. “At this level, the sleeping psyche is starting to really wake up.”

  Singleton continued, “For many, this process begins in college, where students are exposed to ideas, lifestyles, and levels of critical thinking they hadn’t encountered in their own communities. The engaged student has the sensation that her brain is going to explode with awareness. Four years later she graduates with a remarkable new way of looking at the world—often to the consternation of her parents. For the lucky few, this is the final physiological stage of brain development and the launching pad for the fourth level. Some research indicates that without the stimulation of a safe, nurturing environment and good role-modeling by our parents, our brains lose the opportunity for this developmental movement to the higher levels.”

  Ted was surprised. “This could have some very sad consequences.”

  It was clear that Ted had touched a sensitive spot for Singleton. He seemed almost angry. “The most important course of study for any human should be what Angel is trying to teach you.” His emotion shifted quickly and he reached over and clutched Angel’s hand. “Nobody else is climbing into a bookmobile and spreading the dharma, trying to do the Work. These teachings should be part of the curriculum of every high school student in the world. We should all be so lucky as to find that someone who cares enough to show us the way.”

  Ted looked at Angel. “You’re right. She’s a gift on wheels.”

  They walked a bit farther, taking in the landscape and enjoying the dogs. Singleton pulled up his little party of travelers and said, “Let’s rest for a while on the bank of the river. Sometimes ducks come along in the early morning.” He reached into his backpack and pulled out some stale bread. “If they do, we can feed them.”

  While the two teachers and Ted fed the ducks that occasionally paddled by, the dogs tugged at their leashes. They looked up at Ted and Angel, dumfounded. Did humans not understand that God put ducks on the earth to be chased? With the ducks fed, the group started walking back.

  Angel draped her left arm around Ted’s waist and her right arm over Singleton’s shoulder. Ted turned to Angel and said, “Thank you. It was a lovely morning.”

  When they were approaching the bed-and-breakfast again, Angel said, “What a gift, getting to hang out with my favorite Buddhist and my favorite student.” She pulled Singleton closer for a warm hug. “It was good seeing you again, Stephen. I’m looking forward to our November get-together. Will you be there?”

  “Wouldn’t miss it.”

  While collecting her belongings, Angel stared out over the meadow from the window of the Marlon Brando room. She’d had a dream the night before that she was still trying to dissect. In the dream, Bertha had been restored to her former status as a functioning bookmobile. The walls were again filled with books. Bertha was parked somewhere on the reservation. Angel was sitting behind the librarian’s desk, wearing glasses and reading to a circle of children. The door to the bookmobile was wide open so the sun could gush through. She kept looking up at the door, as if she were waiting for someone or something to arrive. No Barks was lying on the floor. Being skilled at dream interpretation, Angel probed behind the facts of the dream and tried to root out the feelings and sensations that the dream evoked. What she felt was grounded and at home.

  Angel felt proud of her role as Ted’s spiritual consultant. She wondered, however, if the dream was trying to tell her to get an entire classroom of new students—that Ted’s time with her had ended. She wondered if the significance of the dream was in Ted’s absence. She realized that she was going to miss him when he did leave. Still, she felt like something from the dream hadn’t yet fully revealed itself.

  Angel thought about the fifth and sixth levels. This terrain would be far more difficult, not just for Ted but for her too. Instruction is a didactic, left-brained operation. This approach would not suit the fifth and sixth levels. In fact, that would be the whole point—transcending that kind of thinking. One could not metabolize these materials, hang easy labels on them, and then warehouse them in the left brain for future access. The ineffable could only be sensed and imagined, not really known or defined. One could not uncover these truths in books. They have to find us as much as we have to find them. She would have to find a different way to instruct. The problem was simple, but she was not sure how to solve it.

  As Angel looked out even farther over the fields and took in a wider view of the low-lying hills of the Nebraska countryside, she realized that what she needed to say to Ted next might be upsetting to both of them. Still, it was a necessary conversation.

  25

  With Bertha packed and Singleton thanked, Angel and Ted took a short walk on the path beside the inn. “I want to say something,” Angel said.

  Ted stepped closer to Angel. “Yes?” he asked.

  She put her hand on his shoulder for a moment, quickly removed it, and spoke earnestly. “I want to congratulate you on your hard work. You’ve stuck with a curriculum that’s not easy. You’ve been an amazing student.” Her tone dropped as she said, “I want to warn you, however, that continued progress will require two things.”

  “Like?” Ted prompted.

  “Thank goodness for Father Chuck, Mashid, and Stephen. Without their help, I never would have made it. The material gets harder from here on out. I can’t lecture much anymore. It’s not that kind of material, so I’m going to have to tell less and show more. This might be difficult for me. I don’t know if I can do it.”

  “Angel, what are you talking about? Of course you can do it. You’ve been fantastic. You’ll find a way. I have nothing but confidence in you.”

  “Hear me out. I have two concerns. The first is my ability and the second is your readiness to continue.”

  “I feel ready.”

  “Ted, slow down. Remember, I practically hijacked you to come along with me. It wasn’t something you asked for. I was being selfish; I so wanted a student. You can have your diploma now, graduate early from Spirit Tech, summa cum laude, if you like. Take the remainder of the vacation doing what you and Argo want … and not what I think you need. If you’re still interested, I can outline the next two levels for you while I take you back to your Winnebago.”

  “What would you do if I went back to Kansas?” Ted asked.

  “Maybe you had the right idea: I should repaint Bertha—ANGEL TWO SPARROW: FIELD WELDER. It turns out that there’s not much of a market for spiritual consultants.” She sounded dejected. “Besides, welding metal pays better than fixing souls.”

  “I don’t understand what you’re saying. Why would you want to stop now? Angel, we’re not finished. Not you and not me. Your spiritual-consulting practice is just getting ready to take off!”

  “Ted, thanks, but we both know it’s never going to work. Still, this time with you has been a real gift to me. It’s helped me to do my own work, and I do hope I’ve also put you on a healthier path.”

  “You have, but am I finished?”

  “There is no startling epiphany, blinding lights, clay tablets from God, or conversations with a bur
ning bush. There is just living life better, with more awareness, and aligned with our truer selves.”

  Ted remained steadfast. “What good is half a curriculum? I want the whole course.”

  “There are unique opportunities in our lives when we can grow and move ahead, but there are times when we need to integrate what we’ve learned into our lives. If you want to continue to the next levels, I should warn you that what lies ahead will be far more difficult to grasp. I’m still struggling to become stable at these levels myself.”

  “Angel, I don’t want to be a Spirit Tech dropout.” Ted felt like he already had one foot off the pier and was about to fall into the ocean, so he just finished the thought. “And I don’t want to say good-bye to you, either.”

  It had been a long time since someone had said something sweet like this to Angel, and it felt good to be valued. Particularly when she knew she felt the same way about him. “Thank you, and of course we can finish your vacation together, if that’s what you want. But still, recess is an option.”

  “Our plan is fine. Let’s just stick to it. You keep working with me, and I need to do some work for your aunt Lilly. It’s the most interesting legal case I’ve had in years, so don’t fire me before my first day of work.”

  “You’re sure?” She held his elbow. “You don’t have to do this unless you really want to. It probably won’t work, unless you really want it.”

  Ted took a few steps backward on the path and then bent down and pulled Argo close to him for comfort. He realized that he was about to say something inauthentic, something that he thought he should say, but not what he really felt. He tried using one of the exercises Angel had taught him to dig deeper and be more truthful. He sensed into his stomach and heart spaces and investigated carefully what he was sensing and experiencing. What arose surprised him. It was the same fear that had manifested from his dream. It came to him rather suddenly, like a door slamming shut when you’re alone in the house. Ted put his face in his hands and exhaled a long slow breath.

  Angel sat down beside Ted and put her arm around him. “Is something wrong?”

  “There was a frightening dream I had in Bertha. It was upsetting enough that I’ve tried not to think about it. It’s been lingering in my mind, and for some reason it came back to me again out of nowhere, but it returned as an answer, an explanation. I think I get the dream.”

  “Tell me.”

  “In the dream, No Barks and Argo were sitting on a grave. Strangely, it was me that had died and been buried. That’s not supposed to happen in dreams, is it? Seeing your own death? But it wasn’t exactly me buried in that cemetery in Crossing Trails. It was my life. The point is that I can’t go back to that life in Crossing Trails. It’s dead and buried. There is nothing there for me, not anymore. Something needs to change. Somewhere, somehow, there has to be more for me.”

  “Sometimes when we experience incredible periods of growth in our life, there is sadness and it does feel like the death of our old universe.”

  “I’m not sure what any of it means, not yet. I just feel the need to go to South Dakota to help your aunt Lilly. You need to do your best to finish the job you started. We both need to figure out what this is all about. That’s our pilgrimage.”

  “We?” Angel asked.

  “If you don’t finish your work, I’ll spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder hoping to see another bookmobile with mountains painted on the side and some crazy dark-haired woman driving to the distant beat of drum music. Where will I find someone else to finish the job of waking up Ted Day? No one can do it but you. You can’t quit on me.”

  Angel smiled and her eyes shone. “Thank you, Ted. We’re not wasting our time together, are we?”

  “Far from it.”

  26

  “Can I be blunt?” Angel asked as they neared the entrance to Custer State Park.

  “My feathers don’t ruffle easily.”

  “You’re the poster child for the fourth level.”

  “And …”

  “I’m not sure how to get you past it.”

  “I have total confidence in you, but just the same, why is being rational a problem for moving up and on?”

  “The intelligence that has served you so well in the early stages of this journey won’t be of any help to you now. In fact, it may be a hindrance. The fifth and sixth levels, you see, are transrational. For people like you, reaching the fifth and sixth levels can be very difficult. From here on out, transformation rests in the mind opening with questions and not closing with answers. Suzuki called it ‘beginner’s mind.’ ” Angel grabbed her necklace and showed the letters to Ted. “This is how I describe it.”

  The word “imagine” around her neck had initially irritated him. He remembered how he had wanted to carve his own moniker: “knowing.” Maybe Angel was right. He was a fourth grader through and through. He lived by reason and logic. “How can I get beyond my need to know?”

  Angel said nothing and instead formed an intention in her mind. I promise to do my best for you.

  Angel missed the entrance to the park and had to back up to make the turn. Once they were parked, Ted impatiently threw open the passenger door and stumbled out. It had been hours since he’d had his feet under him for anything more than a quick restroom or gas stop. The door creaked and groaned as he got out with Argo at his heels. “Terra firma feels great.”

  As if the air were reparative, Angel inhaled deeply. “Oh, the pine scent is marvelous.”

  “This place is”—he spun around to take it all in—“beautiful.” While he knew he had never been anywhere near the Black Hills, there was still something familiar. Finding no personal experience that might have created a memory, he concluded that it must be a picture or a movie that he was remembering. Perhaps it was that movie his grandfather liked to watch. Without much effort, the name of the movie came to him: Dances with Wolves. Ted tried to make clumsy horns with his fingers and asked Angel, “Tatanka?”

  Angel laughed. “Yes. Many tatanka!”

  The next two days were spent hiking, trout fishing, and relaxing about the campsite. When he could, Ted used this time to meditate, practice the exercises, and begin exploring the fifth level, the level of the emergent self, as revealed to him by Angel in bits and pieces when it felt right for both of them.

  At the first four levels the self, not yet fully capable of monitoring and observing both mind and body, is progressively resuscitated from the ego’s stranglehold. It is only when the student truly grasps that he is not his ego and has another voice or aspect of being that he reaches the fifth level. Angel’s exercises both emptied or weakened Ted’s ego and built or strengthened the voice of his higher self. At the fifth level they began to pay off for Ted.

  Reaching the fifth level was not easy for Ted, nor is it easy for anyone else. He did sense that a whole new spiritual dimension was waiting for him, but like a rubber band, he was consistently snapped back to his comfort zone, the fourth level. Angel knew from Ted’s cemetery dream and her own experience that the fifth level can be a painful, anxiety-ridden place to linger. She worked intently to help him move through it.

  The morning after their arrival, Angel introduced a whole new set of exercises. At first Ted felt as if he had been sent back to kindergarten. The first exercise involved an easel and colored pencils. She had him draw things upside down. It was a fun exercise to help Ted dislodge his usual way of looking at things.*1 Then Angel dug out her guitar and asked Ted to sing along with her. Angel believed that, just as drawing introduces a different way of seeing, singing allows a different voice to arise. Finally she tossed pen and paper his way and asked him to craft a short story for a six-year-old boy. “If you can’t think of anything else,” she directed, “try something with Argo and bears. Boys like bears. Be silly and just have fun with it.”

  These and the other exercises she gave him engaged and empowered the right side of his brain. On the morning of their third day in the park resting and doing
the Work, with her confidence restored, Angel decided to try a more advanced exercise to explore and probe levels of consciousness unknown to most of the world. She simply said, “Lie down on the blanket, Ted. We’re going to try something again. This time it will go better.”

  Angel began by readying her own mind to enter into a clear, empty place: a place of transrational clarity. Although it certainly does not always work, Angel knew that it is possible for the trained teacher to invite the student to occupy a passenger seat on the teacher’s journey into this space. The first step built on the previous exercises: she must get Ted to stop assessing, categorizing, analyzing, prioritizing, labeling, judging, discriminating, thinking, and knowing. Getting the superego to relax is no easy task, but by now Ted had the ability to at least relax its grip. Angel moved closer to Ted, took his hand in hers, and turned his palm upward. She began to massage his index finger from the palm to the root of his fingernail.

  The first time Angel had put Ted in what he described as a trance, while rubbing his finger in the parking lot of the RV park, he had found it very frightening. Understandably, he was not eager to repeat the exercise. “Just relax and close your eyes,” Angel again instructed. She sat by him quietly for a few more moments until she had fully activated her own awareness or uncluttered being. “What do you feel inside your body, Ted? What comes to mind? Suspend the critical voice. Tell your superego to leave you alone. Don’t judge or analyze; just sense into your body and tell me what arises.”

  Ted tried to describe what he felt without assessing it or making it sound logical. “There is an expansion around the left lobe of my lung. There seems to be some energy there. A reverberation. Something is definitely happening, but I’m not sure what.”

  “Good, just stay with it. Try to go deeper and be more visual if you can. Instead of pushing it away or ignoring it, see if you can go into it, merge with it. What can you describe to me?”