House of Christmas Secrets

by Lynda Stacey

  ‘So you walked away, you abandoned them?’

  Bastion sat back down, his hand patted Jack’s knee. ‘No, son. I didn’t abandon them. I just did what Margaret asked. I stepped back. I didn’t fight for them, when in reality I should have and, by the time I realised what was important to me, it was far too late.’

  Jack cocked his head on one side. ‘Meaning?’

  ‘Meaning that by the time I saw Margaret again, she was pushing a pram down the street. Morris had realised that Jess wasn’t his, and he’d left her. And then, because I hadn’t fought to keep her, she didn’t want me any more. I’d lost my chance.’

  ‘But you loved her?’

  ‘Oh, yes I did. I loved her very much, my boy, but you can’t keep loving someone who doesn’t love you back. She’d stopped loving me, you see.’

  ‘But what about Jess?’

  ‘Well, I can tell you now that I looked into that pram, and within a split second my heart filled with more love than you can ever imagine and then without warning my heart broke into a million pieces, all at once.’ He stood up again and began to pace. ‘I knew she was mine, but, from how Margaret reacted, I knew she’d never be a part of my life and that she’d never be allowed look up to me and call me her daddy.’

  Jack pondered the information. ‘But when I saw you at the hospital you told me that Jess was named after your grandmother.’

  Bastion looked sad. ‘And she was. It was the one thing Margaret did for me.’ He took a deep breath and began to cough violently, making Jack turn in concern.

  ‘Hey, come on, sit back down. Are … are you okay? Shall I get you inside?’ Jack stood up and held a hand out to where Bastion stood. ‘Water, I’ll bring water.’ He turned to walk away, but Bastion grabbed his arm and shook his head.

  ‘I’m fine,’ Bastion said and caught his breath. ‘It comes and goes.’ His chest hurt like hell, but he knew that talking to Jack was important. ‘Please, I need to finish the story, you need to know what really happened,’ he continued.

  Jack sat back down. ‘Okay, go on.’

  Bastion swallowed hard and stared wistfully into the distance. ‘As I said, Jess was the most beautiful baby I’d ever seen, and my heart melted and I fell in love with her immediately.’

  Jack looked puzzled. ‘So why the hell did you disappear for twenty years? She needed you so much, do you know that?’

  ‘I didn’t disappear, Jack. I was around, at least for the first few years, it’s just that Jess didn’t know.’ Once again he began to cough, and took a final sip of the Bovril. ‘You see Margaret didn’t want me, she wanted Morris.’ He stopped speaking and turned to Jack. ‘She thought that Morris would come back, because of Maddie. She knew how much he loved her and was sure that he’d accept Jess as his own. So for her sake, for both Maddie and Jess’s sake, I walked away with my dignity intact, and the only way I ever got to see them was from a distance.’ Bastion once again cocked his head to one side. A shrill squeal was followed by a deep voice, another squeal, a giggle and then a bark or two as Buddy joined in the game. ‘Do you hear that, Jack? Do you? That’s the sound of children’s happiness. Isn’t it beautiful?’

  Jack paused for a moment and Bastion saw a smile cross his face as the sound of little girl giggles filled the air. ‘Bandit, he’s been sent to play with them … well, he was in charge of watching them, sounds like he’s running around revving them both up.’ They both sat for a moment and listened. ‘So how do you manage to see someone, you know, from a distance?’ Jack finally asked as he took the mug from Bastion’s hand and placed it on the floor next to his.

  Bastion laughed. ‘Well, my boy, I pretty much turned into a stalker. I’d see them going out – Margaret, Madeleine and Jess – and I’d follow. I’d watch Margaret pushing the pram and deep inside, my heart was breaking and I wished I could push it too.’ He paused and thought for a moment. ‘As they got older, Margaret would take them both to the park and I’d sit on a distant bench and watch them play on the swings, the roundabout and the slide. I once saw Jess fall off and it took every ounce of strength I had not to run across the park, pick her up and cuddle her till she stopped crying. But I couldn’t you see. Jess wouldn’t have known who I was. I could have scared her and Margaret would have realised that I was there and what I was doing.’ Once again he stood up and stretched before continuing. ‘And on Jess’s first day at nursery, I stood on the street corner, behind the conifers and watched her trot up the road with her mother and with her sister by her side, both of them all dressed up in their matching uniforms. They looked so very pretty in their red and white gingham dresses, I even took a photograph. Each night before I slept I said a prayer and hoped that Margaret would contact me. But then … they moved. Margaret moved out of London. The next time I heard from her she was living in North Yorkshire. She wrote and told me she was happy, that Jess was doing okay and that moving away from London had been the best thing she could have done, for all of them.’ He swallowed hard. ‘It was hard for me to hear that the best thing for my daughter was being over two hundred miles away from me, but what could I do? It was much too far for me to travel, and besides I didn’t have an address, just a location. All I knew was that she was in North Yorkshire.’ He coughed, and sighed. ‘Morris remarried soon after. Which meant that it had all been pointless. Margaret could have stayed in London and we … we could have been a family. We could have had a good life and, if I’m honest, Jack, my heart tore itself in two.’ He walked onto the grass and stared at the sheep. They were all standing by the wall looking up at the ha-ha and seemed to stare back at him with a look of hope that their food would come soon.

  Jack simply studied the ground. ‘It must have been hard. I can’t imagine how I’d feel if Jess left, if she took the baby with her. It’d kill me if I never saw either of them again.’

  Bastion nodded in agreement. ‘It was hard, Jack. But I didn’t fight to keep them. I should have and I only have myself to blame. And that’s why, for all of your sakes, if you want this baby and if you want Jess to be a part of your life, you have to come to terms with what’s happening … and real fast, my boy.’ Again he coughed, paused and caught his breath. ‘I really do wish I’d fought for them more. My whole life would have been different. I missed all those firsts with Jess, all the love, the cuddles, the bedtime stories, everything I should have been there for …’ He paused and a sob left his throat.

  ‘So why now? Why after all this time would you come and find her?’ Jack looked up and stared out at the trees and Bastion followed his gaze, watching a squirrel who ran between the bushes, in and out, weaving a path through the longer grass, digging in the lawn for his food.

  ‘You see that squirrel, Jack?’ he asked and pointed. ‘He’s looking … no, he’s searching for what he’s lost. He knows he had food, knows he buried it somewhere, but he can’t remember what he did with it. Yet he knows that if he tries hard enough, if he keeps sniffing around, searches and keeps going, eventually he’ll find what he should have never let go of in the first place, and that’s just like me.’ He took a step towards the trees. ‘When I lost Margaret and Jess, I made a decision that I’d never love again. It had hurt me far too much. So I spent my time working, and drinking and then I met Annie and for a while my life was good. But one hit of heroin too many turned her into an addict and only then did I find out who she really was.’ He shook his head from side to side. ‘I discovered she was a high-class hooker, an escort. She got paid for dressing up, for going out with rich clients and giving them the extras.’ He looked back at Jack. ‘That’s right, my boy, my Lily came from a high-class hooker who turned into a dirty prostitute when the rich guys didn’t want her any more.’ He walked back to the seat and patted Jack on the shoulder. ‘My beautiful Lily, she has a hooker for a mother, a mother who didn’t want her, who abandoned her when she was just a few months old. A mother who chose drugs over her own child. Does that shock you, Jack?’

  Jack spun and stared at Bastion with disbe
lief in his eyes. ‘But, that’s awful. Prostitute or not, why would she abandon her own baby, her own daughter?’

  Bastion watched Jack’s mannerisms and could see the moment the realisation of what he’d just said strike home.

  Bastion stood for a moment, his breathing was laboured, and he patted Jack on the shoulder. ‘Exactly, my boy. Why would she? And now I need to go and lie down. I think my work here is done and you, you know what you need to do.’

  Chapter Nineteen

  Jess pulled on her anorak, hat and gloves. She was determined not to be indoors for the whole day. She turned towards where Madeleine still sat in reception, still surrounded by her multiple lists.

  ‘Come on, lazy bones. Bandit needs rescuing from the girls. He’s been looking after them all morning, and I’m sure I just heard him screaming for help … listen!’ Jess threw Madeleine’s coat towards her and pulled open the solid wooden door that stood between the grand hall’s reception and the tree-lined driveway. The harsh wind rushed inside and Jess felt a shudder go down her spine as she stepped outside into the cold winter day.

  She stamped up and down impatiently. ‘Come on, Maddie, or poor Bandit will be tied to a tree with skipping ropes and both Poppy and Lily will be playing cowboys and Indians, running round him with duck feathers in their hair,’ Jess called as she zipped up her coat. ‘Unless, of course, it’s Bandit that has the girls tied to a tree and then you could be in all sorts of trouble,’ she joked. ‘It could be him doing a tribal dance around them.’

  Jess walked in front of the tall, mullion window and allowed her eyes to travel through it and into the grand hall where the newly decorated Christmas tree stood in the corner. Its lights were reflecting in the many pictures that hung on the walls and Jess concentrated on the amber hue that the room had taken on from the fire, which she couldn’t see from where she stood, but she could imagine how the flames flicked and licked the back of the chimney breast, whilst busily crackling away as more and more logs were tossed on as the days grew colder.

  She thought of the Christmas before, how she and Jack had curled up on one of those very settees that stood in front of the fire and watched the flames dance in the darkness. They’d sipped wine, made wishes and reflected on times gone by and, on just one occasion, when they’d thought that everyone had gone to sleep for the night, they’d gently and quietly made love, right there, in front of the fire, laughing and giggling. ‘Shhh …’ Jack had whispered to her. ‘Is it just me, or do you feel like a teenager again?’ he’d questioned as they’d hurriedly dressed, and picked up their wine glasses, just in time before Bandit had entered the room with his arms full of logs. Life had been so good. So settled. They’d found a daily routine, which had been so much less complicated than it all seemed right now.

  She opened her eyes, walked back to the main doors and stepped through them, before staring through the dining room window beyond. She could see Jack sitting on the bench, chatting away to Bastion. They seemed deep in conversation and Jess found herself wondering what on earth they could be talking about. Or even why they were talking at all, especially after Jack had shown his initial distrust towards the man who claimed to be her father. She stepped forward as she saw Bastion stand, begin to cough and then sit down again. She had an overwhelming urge to run to him, but she couldn’t, knowing that whatever her father and Jack were talking about, the words were probably better off said sooner rather than later. Besides, she needed to have a conversation with Bastion herself. Madeleine had been right; the test did need to be done. But now, time was against them. It was the nineteenth of December already and it would soon be Christmas. Even with first class post it would be doubtful they’d get the results before the big day, and now Jess wished she’d sent for it sooner.

  Jess forcibly looked away from where Jack sat and turned her attention back to Madeleine who was now standing beside her in the doorway. ‘Hey, Maddie, come on,’ Jess said, grabbing Madeleine’s hand. She pulled her sister outside and then began to laugh as she saw the face that Madeleine was pulling. ‘Hey, you used to love being outside, always running here and there. We couldn’t keep you in at one time. What’s wrong with you?’

  Madeleine shrugged. ‘I’m just tired, Jess. My get up and go has disappeared. I have zero energy and it’s as though everything’s gone wrong.’ She spun around on the spot with her arms held out. ‘I love this place so much but it keeps on taking from me and after all that happened last year, I’d just started to feel okay, we’d just started being a family again.’ She wiped a tear from the corner of her eye. ‘I mean, not just a family, but a real life, normal family. We hadn’t had that for such a long time. Goddamn it, Jess, we hadn’t ever had a normal family life. And then Emily died and Bandit’s been a mess, after all she was his grandmother and he’d only just found her, and … well … it’s all really shaken me, that’s all.’ She stopped and sat down on the stone step and sighed. ‘Oh, and Bandit’s dad, he isn’t in the best of health either and, on top of that, it’s Christmas and we have a hotel to run. We have to turn on the smiles, for the staff, and for the guests. Everyone expects us to be really happy, to glow with enthusiasm and Christmas cheer. And right now I haven’t got an enthusiastic bone in my entire body, not one.’

  Jess pulled her sister to her feet and into a hug. ‘I know, Maddie. It’s been hard on us all. I miss her too,’ she whispered. ‘It doesn’t seem fair, does it? It’s only a year since she came back home where she belonged.’ Both sisters stared at one another with tear-filled eyes and shook their heads in unison, and then both jumped and screamed as a shower of leaves seemed to fall on them from above, making them spin around on the spot to see Poppy and Lily running off into the distance with Buddy, quickly followed by Bandit, who’d obviously instigated the whole game.

  ‘Right, you three are really going to get it now,’ Jess shouted as she threw her scarf around her neck and set off at pace, ducking and diving through the trees in fast pursuit. The leaves were wet making it slippery underfoot. ‘Maddie, quick, you go that way,’ she shouted, pointing to the left, as she ran to the right. ‘We’ll cut them off.’

  Madeleine joined in and took up the chase, over the ha-ha wall, past the sheep, across the field and into the woods. She quickly grabbed hold of Bandit, who’d purposely slipped on the leaves, landed in a heap, rolled onto his back on the woodland floor, and allowed Maddie to catch him.

  ‘Okay, okay, I submit,’ he shouted as Madeleine’s slim thighs straddled him. But the tables were quickly turned and the last thing Jess saw as she ran on was Bandit spinning Madeleine around, straddling her body instead, pinning her down to the floor, with his fingers waving in the air and coming down on her with full tickling intent.

  ‘You’re in trouble now,’ he shouted as Madeleine’s screams rang out. But Jess just laughed as she ran past. It wasn’t her job to save her sister, not on this occasion. Anyway, she knew that if Maddie screamed any louder, she’d be attracting the attention of every guest in the Hall, who’d probably end up running to her aid instead.

  Jess ran on. She’d been distracted by Madeleine and Bandit, but could see Buddy in the distance, and headed towards where he now played. She presumed he’d followed the girls, and ran in his direction. Jess laughed at him as he rolled on the grass, paws in the air.

  ‘What are you doing there, boy? Where are the girls?’ she shouted as she got close, but a thick, rancid smell drifted through the air and Jess turned her nose up. The smell had hit her way before she saw the remains of what may have been a squashed hedgehog and her whole body began to retch. ‘Buddy, oh no, get off. Urgh. Stop that. Urgh.’ She heaved repeatedly. The smell was unbelievable and she quickly grabbed at Buddy’s collar. ‘Stop that I said.’ She dragged him away from the animal’s corpse and back towards the Hall. But the fact that he’d being rolling in the decomposed animal meant that the smell was clinging. It was following him home.

  ‘You, my friend, need a bath, and I think we may need the hosepipe first.’
She looked down at Buddy’s pitiful eyes, the look of a wounded soul. ‘Don’t you look at me like that, I didn’t make you do it,’ Jess growled. ‘You stink, and, boy oh boy, my stomach is really not liking that smell. Couldn’t you roll in something really nice smelling, like lemons or snowdrops?’

  She dragged the dog over to where Maddie and Bandit now lay together on the grass, kissing and giggling. ‘Here, take your damned dog. He stinks,’ Jess announced as she dragged the spaniel towards Bandit, who immediately jumped up and took him from her.

  ‘What the … wow, Buddy, you really do stink. What you been up to, boy?’

  ‘Dead hedgehog, in fact it’s a decomposed hedgehog. It’s somewhere over there. Looks like it was hit the last time the sit on lawnmower went through.’

  ‘Bandit … come, come quickly!’ Nomsa shouted, and all three of them turned towards the Hall in concern. Nomsa would never shout, not from the front door, not while they had guests and certainly not unless it was urgent.

  Maddie and Bandit jumped up, and all three set off towards the house. They burst in through the front door and took in the scene before them. Bastion was breathing erratically and Nomsa was holding him up.

  ‘He was just sitting outside, he came over all funny, and by the time he’d gotten himself inside, he almost collapsed, right there in the bar,’ Nomsa yelled, her eyes full of concern. ‘He needs to be in his bed. I don’t know what I was thinking letting him go out there.’ She reprimanded herself and Jess could see the worry that was etched across her face.

  ‘He’s fine, Nomsa. He’s fine. It’s just the cold air,’ Bandit said as he walked across to Bastion. ‘Come on, sir, I’ve got you.’ Bandit quickly and effortlessly put Bastion’s arm over his shoulder and within seconds he was helping him up the stairs. ‘You’ve probably just overdone it, my man, being outside and all that, but just to be sure I’m going to get our Nomsa to give the doctor a call. Let’s get you checked out, just in case.’ He stopped on the last step. ‘Did you get that, Nomsa?’ He turned to see Nomsa, pale faced, holding onto the wall.